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Chase64

I want to cut off my hand...

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Hi there, I've been having this specific thought for a good while (maybe like 5 months now?), I've been wanting to cut off my hand... I've been self harming for about 6 years now and scratching my skin is very common for me when I can't self harm because I'm in public or I feel people are watching me. I have these little mental videos play of me cutting off my hand and I research stuff about it. I don't know why I want to cut it off, it wouldn't give me sexual pleasure or anything (that's what I saw a lot during my research) I just deserve to cut off my hand? I don't really know where it came from (possibly my urge to hurt myself is just getting stronger and the normal things like cutting and burning aren't satisfying my brain anymore) but maybe its apart of my STPD issues? Does anyone have similar thoughts? 

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Hello, Chase, welcome! :)

I'm sorry I don't have time for a longer reply, but at least one thing: Have you read about this condition?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apotemnophilia

Does this wikipedia article answer some of your questions? I hope it can at least help you to move forward to a better understanding of your problem and to adequate professional help.

Good luck!

L.

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Hi Chase, I don't have this desire but I did see an episode of Dr Phil which featured a woman who blinded herself, driven by an unexplainable complusion to do so.  She greatly regretted it and was now at the mercy of various family members, none of whom were too pleased.  

I say all this to reinforce the idea that you ought to seek psychiatric care for this condition before you do irreversible damage to yourself.  

Why do you self harm? Any insight into it?  Are there people that care about you? Are you getting professional help?  Tell more if you like.  

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36 minutes ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Hi Chase, I don't have this desire but I did see an episode of Dr Phil which featured a woman who blinded herself, driven by an unexplainable complusion to do so.  She greatly regretted it and was now at the mercy of various family members, none of whom were too pleased.  

I say all this to reinforce the idea that you ought to seek psychiatric care for this condition before you do irreversible damage to yourself.  

Why do you self harm? Any insight into it?  Are there people that care about you? Are you getting professional help?  Tell more if you like.  

Hello, thank you for replying to my issue and I have also seen that episode of Dr Phil, I don't plan on cutting my hand off (I'm a artist and that would be quite hard for me to continue if I did so) it's just a completely impulsive thought that I have a lot. I've been made to go into therapy not to long ago and was diagnosed with Avpd, Stpd, and bpd. Therapy in the end wasn't helping in the slightest and just made me angry because I knew she didn't know how to treat what I was going through (she was for non-personality disorders like depression or anxiety) and I felt like I didn't need help. I have a very bad past/childhood which is a long story I'm sure you wouldn't want to hear but my experiences connect with my self harm issues and other problems. 

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I had a therapist who actually made my problems worse too.  Thank God I had the good sense to bail after 3 EAP sessions.  

That was an intense episode of Dr Phil. I am pretty sure it is on You Tube.  

I had problems in childhood too, mostly w bullying and not being given proper guidance.  

Well glad to hear you are going to hurt that hand. Good luck w the art. Are you able to make a living at it or do you still have to work a regular job? 

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18 minutes ago, Victimorthecrime said:

I had a therapist who actually made my problems worse too.  Thank God I had the good sense to bail after 3 EAP sessions.  

That was an intense episode of Dr Phil. I am pretty sure it is on You Tube.  

I had problems in childhood too, mostly w bullying and not being given proper guidance.  

Well glad to hear you are going to hurt that hand. Good luck w the art. Are you able to make a living at it or do you still have to work a regular job? 

I wish I were able to make a living off my art, maybe in the future but for now I still have a side job which I'm perfectly fine with. 

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Welcome to the community, Chase. This sounds very distressful. :( Does it feel like an intrusive thought? Have you ever had other thoughts like this? Sometimes the difficulty is with a pattern of obsessive thoughts and not so much what they're about. What helps to clear your mind? Does creating art help?

 

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9 minutes ago, IrmaJean said:

Welcome to the community, Chase. This sounds very distressful. :( Does it feel like an intrusive thought? Have you ever had other thoughts like this? Sometimes the difficulty is with a pattern of obsessive thoughts and not so much what they're about. What helps to clear your mind? Does creating art help?

 

Yeah this is a very intrusive thought and I've had many like this before but none that was so consistent. In the past they've been more suicidal but now it's mostly seriously injuring myself. If I'm in public and this thought occurs I just forcefully push it away (I have this paranoia issue where I think people can read my mind) but if I'm alone then I might go on the internet or draw. In the past with intrusive thoughts I attempted a few if I had the chance but if not I'd just result to self harm which is what I usually do. I don't want to cut off my hand though, I just want to get rid of the images.

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Funny I get that paranoia too... I have determined though being paranoid is just our way of rejecting the reality that no one eve gives us a thought. I paint as well, funny we seem a lot alike.

I have the same thoughts. Its also hard not to act on them when you get in that self harming mood, especially for me after I have been drinking. I have resorted to looking at putrid things on sites like bestgore. Seeing the images can be triggering at times but overall I find watching, and seeing how pointless bodily injuries are I feel less inclined to do so to myself. Also imagining that the injuries are your own make you appreciate your limbs a little more. Maybe there is a different pain in this world that we can suffer that will justify what we feel, I am still looking...

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Hi i have similar impulses to but mines are different i think about pulling fire alarms also when im in public places i have the urge to yell bomb or gun.its extremely scary having these impulses and those are only just the beginning i don't know what this is.ive never been diagnosed with any impulse control disorder disorders.i don't want or intend to scare people.

When im out and about i control myself and only in mental hospitals and ers have i ever been the slightest out of control.ive pulled the fire alarms at the mental hospital and called 911 though it wasnt an emergency in these places my impulse control is zero.so i don't know what this is and i feel for you

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