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passionfruit3

May trigger but hello im new

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I go onto a lot of sites looking for support and friendship.i guess that's just the borderline in me.anyway none have been perfect got temporarily banded from one and talked down to on others.sometimes on apps theres just not enough people.but im trying this out cause i never came here before. Im not struggling so much with suicide as self harming ive done a lot in last week.if this were alcohol anonymous id say i have a self harm problem but self harm is more depression and having depression now in these times is not a good thing cause you can quickly get left behind by a bigger crowd.and drawn into a world were you suddenly are being ruled by the drug. 

I have this addiction to hurting myself though my brother calls me a masochist i dont know who i am i can handle pain for some reason while others cant.

Im not trying to trigger anyone in a first post so lets get off the sad.i like poetry.ive done it since 15 but growing up books were life.  Librarians always commented on how great we were.me and my siblings. The quiet kids at 8 and 9 while some little girl through a tantrum. 

Finally my disorders are conversion disorder.bipolar schizoaffective type and borderline personality disorder nice to meet you☺

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Hello, passionfruit, welcome!

How are you doing? From your other post, it seems you had a big crisis some hours ago :( . What happened? Are you better now? Was there somebody to help you?

What help have you got so far for your disorders and have you tried a psychotherapy to alleviate the self-harm urges and to understand the function of self-injury in your life?

Good luck and take care!

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I ended up burning myself which it doesn't look good.I've been trying to communicate with my doctors about this and tell them I have a problem with it but there advice was basically use your coping skills.this is not a coping skills problem this is i need help problem.funny thing is I would not be in this situation if my parents were more watchful.they know me.they know how I get yet they leave me at home for hours at a time.I know I'm an adult the responsibility should be on me. But I have a problem that is hard to control.

I sorta have a therapist though she's technicalay not one.I hated the actual therapist I had and did not see her again.she had tried to get my mom in trouble with adult protective services was the reason. Then before that the therapist I liked left.I haven't tried to get another cause what if the second is worst than the first.I'm not suicidal the reason I did it is cause I'm not sure what comes after suicide when you get better what do you do.how do you proceed when that's all you've know to do since 15.I'm debating on going to the hospital don't want to get locked up or deal with rude nurses and security guards but my hand is in bad shape and my family has not noticed a thing.

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Im sorry to hear about your problems with depression and self harm. :( When I was in high school I had same problem with self harm too. My family didnt see my burns. I havent self harmed for more than 6 years but I understand how hard is to stop.  Maybe is good someone to see your hand if Its really so bad. I know its not great to deal with rude nurses, but your health is more important. If you dont want to go to the hospital can you tell to your family, even if they didnt see your hand,maybe you can tell them.

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Yeah I went today I'm back home.I'm supposed to go to partial but I'm not excited about going.the psychiatrist I knew her as one of the people who never wants to deal with me.she sent me home once and I was back in thirty minutes for trying to jump off a bridge.she gave me papers for volunteer at the hospital somehow they also dissappeared at the hospital.I hate volunteering only cause it requires so much I be dependent on someone else.there's a readers program I wanted to do.but they want finger prints and orientation and I feel like without someone pushing me to take that first step I'll back out cause I have anxiety.plus I burned my fingers so I don't know how that would work if they want to do a fingerprint scan.i don't like explaining my issues.anyway at the hospital I  was a bit tachycardic so they did fluids though at first I refused and the doctors was yelling at me then a guy came in he was either Hindu or Muslim.anyway he was nicer so I let him do it.no one was at the hospital with me my family is tired of ,your antichs so they don't even come anymore.I did not prefer being  hospitalized but some part of me is like I wish I could have stayed overnight.another part knows it was probably good I went home cause I probably would have got sent to a mental hospital.still I'm afraid cause I know were all the stuff my mom hid to burn are.if she had come with me to the hospital she would've known to.

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