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Labdbr

Dont know what to do anymore

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Hey,

i had a very hard time lately as im struggeling with suicidal tendencies, self harm, depression, anxiety, anorexia and OCD for many years now but im never feeling "ill" enough, so writing this is like really hard for me. Just for basic information, Ive been in therapy many times, take anti depressants and started feeling worse again last spring. I told my teacher back in summer about my problems because she asked me a lot if everything was okay and we had this class trip thing that i was afraid of and i dont Even know why i told her everything but she is like really nice and i couldnt go on any longer without telling someone. She had to tell my mom at some point because the risk would have been too high but after that we rarely talked anymore. School is really stressing me out and im even worse than before but I don't know if I should talk with her about it and i don't know how because i don't wanna bother her with my stupid problems. Can anyone help me? Thank u for reading and I'm sorry for my bad english 

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Welcome to the community, Labdbr. :)

I'm sorry you've been struggling. :( I think if you've reached a point where you feel you need to reach out and ask for help, that it makes sense to listen to your needs. If your teacher is supportive and you feel comfortable sharing with her maybe that could be a place to start?

I hear you about the pressure you are under for school. What do you think might ease some of your distress? Taking some time to relax? Fun activities? 

No worries about your English. You expressed yourself well. The important thing, I think, is that you reached out. We are here to support you. I hope you feel better.

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Thanks for your fast reply! I really appreciate what you are doing here. 

The problem is that I really don't know how to approach her for more help because it feels that I don't deserve someone actually being nice to me. 

I'm going to finish school in summer so that's why it is so hard atm. I really don't have time to just slow down and take some mental health time or any other activities. Which is another problem because after years of self destruction my body is slowly giving up and it's getting worse and worse everyday. I just want to finally end it all

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I hear that you don't feel you deserve kindness and care. If a person doesn't feel okay with his or herself, it can be very difficult to accept care from others. :( I hope you can find the strength to reach out, Labdbr. Your feelings matter. You matter.

I understand that school is very important and it's challenging to find time for yourself, but this does sound as though this could be a need for you right now. Self care is very important, I think, and I try to make it a priority in my life...not always easy to do for sure, but essential. I hope you are able to take some time to breathe and heal.

Take care, Labdbr.

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Hello, L.!

23 hours ago, Labdbr said:

I really don't know how to approach her for more help because it feels that I don't deserve someone actually being nice to me. 

 

On 2017-03-14 at 5:06 PM, Labdbr said:

i don't wanna bother her with my stupid problems

I can relate to this very much. I used to feel this way for years, I even "couldn't" go to a therapist and/or psychiatrist for these reasons. I waited until I "couldn't function" in my everyday life. Since then, of course, I've regretted it (this "delay") very much...

It's very hard to believe when you're stuck in such a situation and when you have such a relationship to yourself (-> also speaking from my own experience as well as from many experiences here on the forum), but your problems aren't "stupid" or "unimportant" or "not deserving attention" and you yourself aren't a person who doesn't deserve care and love. You just feel this way now because of your issues. Try to see this all as one of the symptoms of your illnesses (because it really is so).

So... I know it's very difficult to make the first step and approach somebody to communicate your need for help. But it's not impossible and it's important - that's key. You can do it. You can, for instance, write down everything in a letter (that's my preferred way and I know many other people also consider it more comfortable). When you write, you have more time to choose your words and topics and well express everything important (including the reasons why you didn't tell her sooner, what you expect and what you fear, ...), not letting your shyness or embarrassment or self-hate suddenly stop you "somewhere mid-way". Also, the person you're addressing has (when being approached in a written form) more time to think about the appropriate reaction and help. BTW; writing is easier also because when you write, you can be totally open thanks to imagining you won't give the letter to her (and when it's finished, then you can fully acknowledge its importance and can take the next step - giving it to her).

In any case; you should reach for help; it doesn't have to be via a letter, it just "has to" happen. ;) You've already done the first step - you posted here! :) 

23 hours ago, Labdbr said:

I really don't have time to just slow down and take some mental health time or any other activities.

I see that school is very demanding and it's good that you don't want to neglect your responsibilities. However, one of your responsibilities, also related to the performance at school, is also caring for your mental health. I suppose you'd need more than you "can" do now, in this situation when you need so much of your time to study, but at the same time, I'm sure you can do at least "something" helpful; the key is to find a new way to organize your life. You surely cannot study all the time! So; what're you going to do with the "spare" time? It's up to you to decide. But as you're depressed and so unwell, you cannot easily make the right decisions about this - that's one of the reasons you need some help. Perhaps your teacher would be ideal for this (=perhaps you wouldn't even need a psychologist for this particular "task"): She may help you to make something like "a time schedule" with the activities you'd need to include in your life (for instance, spending some time in nature, having some physical activities, eating healthy food - all this is very important for fighting depression and other mental issues, as well as for maintaining good memory and being able to sustain stress - and it only seems to you now it would be impossible to get this all into your life).

23 hours ago, Labdbr said:

after years of self destruction my body is slowly giving up and it's getting worse and worse everyday

You've been already crying for help many years... When you start doing it by words, not by self-destruction, when you finally start to open yourself to help and care and love of others, your body won't give up and will be able to start to get better. I cannot promis you it will be easy or fast, of course. It needs time, but first of all, it needs to start very soon ("before it's too late")... You can do it and you deserve it. You don't think so now, but when you follow the advises and follow the part of your mind which wants to live and get better (- the part of your mind which helped you to talk to your teacher before and who made you write the posts here), then you'll get slowly in the state when you'll feel and believe it yourself (-that you deserve to be well and to be loved and cared for).

Take care and god luck!

P.S.:

On 2017-03-14 at 5:06 PM, Labdbr said:

I'm sorry for my bad english 

Oh; which bad English, where?? It didn't even occur to me you're not a native speaker when reading your posts. BTW; sorry for my bad English ;):P ! (As you can probably see, I'm not an anglophone, but... the times when I used to always apologize for my English on-line are long gone :) ... It doesn't mean I ignore that I make mistakes and express myself sometimes very awkwardly, but ... now I'm mainly able to enjoy the fact I can communicate so much, with so many people, when I need to.) 

 

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Wow thank you very much, Lala, for taking some of your precious time to answer my pathetic question. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to reply but I had and have some really important exams this and next week so I have even less time than before if that's even possible yeahy for school 

(I tried to quote the stuff you wrote but I'm on my phone and it took aaaaages so yeah I gave up sorry)

I'm sorry (wow well done for saying sorry so much girl) to hear that you had such a hard time yourself and I really hope you are feeling better now!

The last days let me keep thinking about whether I should contact her because everyone is like yeah talk to her and the school psychologist about it, you really don't bother her and stuff and then this tiny voice pipes up again like b*tch no she has better things to do and you smiled and laughed that one time last week and now she wouldn't believe you anyway so yeah still haven't decided what to do. 

This time schedule thingie is like a reaaaally nice idea, thank you for the tip. I surely will try to integrate this in my everyday life!

yeah I guess I really have to start some time but working on all the stuff going on is soooo exhausting and yeah I will try to do it. 

Thank you but your English is really good! I've been learning the language now for over 10 years and eventhough I got some kind of advanced class it's still so bad and I hate myself for not being perfect #pefectionistverymuch

Again, thank you so much and have a nice weekend!

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You're welcome, L.! I really hope our "answers" made some difference for you.

On 2017-03-18 at 10:45 AM, Labdbr said:

then this tiny voice pipes up again like b*tch no she has better things to do and you smiled and laughed that one time last week and now she wouldn't believe you anyway so yeah still haven't decided what to do. 

If you include this info in the letter or the "speech" in which you address your teacher and your school psychologist, wouldn't it be a useful "compromise" (= you do the right think and also do some justice to the voice) as well as a more truthful description of your "state"/problems? ;) 

BTW, you might like this:

 

On 2017-03-18 at 10:45 AM, Labdbr said:

my pathetic question

There's nothing pathetic about your questions.

On 2017-03-18 at 10:45 AM, Labdbr said:

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to reply

Same for me; I often can't find time to post here :( ...

On 2017-03-18 at 10:45 AM, Labdbr said:

I'm sorry (...) to hear that you had such a hard time yourself and I really hope you are feeling better now!

Thank you :) . My psychotherapy helped me a lot, but it was more than 5 years ago already (I live abroad since and I don't have access to therapy here) and in the meantime, some of my issues came back and some new emerged. But in general, it's better. :) 

Good luck!

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As it got even worse, I decided to send her an e-mail asking for another talk and really did it this afternoon with the help of some friends. 

I wrote something like 'i will regret this like right now but i spend weeks thinking about whether I should write this e-mail blablabla could we like talk again if you have time blablabla and so on' and she answered directly that I shouldn't regret anything and that we certainly could meet and look for a date and stuff like that but I don't really know how I should feel about it because yeah accepting help is still so hard especially if there are days when at school I laugh and joke and everyone notices that I'm happy or at least I seem happy and then I go home and can't stop crying and often fall back into bad habits. I don't know why I can't allow myself to be sad at school. 

Yeah whatever I just really hope she doesn't want to talk to my mum again because that would be like really bad. 

Thank you again for your advice and I'm pleased to hear that things are better for you know. Feel free to write me if I can help you somehow!

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5 hours ago, Labdbr said:

really did it this afternoon

That's great! Congratulations; I know it wasn't easy :) .

5 hours ago, Labdbr said:

but I don't really know how I should feel about

There's no "should"; your feelings will be "messy" and confusing - it's a part of the whole issue. You just "shouldn't" let the feelings stop you from reaching out and getting, receiving help.

5 hours ago, Labdbr said:

accepting help is still so hard

It's something you just need to learn; it cannot be easy at the beginning - as anything else (important and complex) one has to learn. You've already started to analyse the reasons why it's hard for you - that's good. When you understand them much better, they won't have such a power anymore.

5 hours ago, Labdbr said:

there are days when at school I laugh and joke and everyone notices that I'm happy or at least I seem happy and then I go home and can't stop crying

It used to be the same for me and I'm sure that also for many other people. Being able to laugh and making the impression of being happy (I wouldn't say you're happy; it seems you're rather able to be in good moods sometimes and "forget", for a while, "the bad things") doesn't mean not suffering and not needing big changes in one's life - changes so complex that they need assistance from somebody who's good at helping with mental issues. I know; we're all very much influenced by the picture of people with serous depression and other mental disorders so we think "I'm not like them, so I don't need and deserve help". Of course there will always be people who have worse problems than you have, but this kind of perspective shouldn't lead to refusing help or to feat that others won't recognize and acknowledge your needs. (Your family has been feeding you, not sending all the money or food to people who suffer from terrible famine, hm? It's similar with treatment and support. Yes, there are people who don't get it, because they are not well informed or even keep their prejudices about mental issues. But you may just ignore their point of view; there are other who can and want understand...)

6 hours ago, Labdbr said:

I don't know why I can't allow myself to be sad at school. 

Don't "allow" this; what would it be good for? On the contrary; enjoy all those moments when you can. They are important. Life would be even much painful without them. You're lucky that you can still laugh and you really shouldn't want to get rid of it.

6 hours ago, Labdbr said:

hope she doesn't want to talk to my mum again because that would be like really bad. 

i believe you're able to explain it to her and if she understands your reasons (why it would be "bad"), she won't do it. But perhaps she'll show you another point of view and you'll see that telling your mom would be better - I don't know. i only know it would help to be prepared to explain in detail why you don't want your mom to be involved.

6 hours ago, Labdbr said:

Feel free to write me if I can help you somehow!

Thank you, L., you're kind :) To be honest, it already helps me when I try 'helping' people here (/communicating, ...), so you've already contributed... ;) 

Take care and good luck with the talk! (When should it happen?)

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Thank you, it was so hard and I've been already crying because I regret it so much and don't have the chance to self harm etc. what would be my 'normal' punishment in a way it can be normal. I hope I'm not triggering you or anything, I just really wish I could go back and don't write her. 

Yeah this thought of being fake or not being ill enough is one of the main reasons for not reaching out although I've been told many times that it is really severe but I just can't help feeling like that's not true. I would never say that I have any many illnesses, more likely that I've been struggeling with those things or that I've been diagnosed but yeah you know. 

But I really want to stop acting as if everything was good because most of the times it's not real and my life seems to be a constant lie. It's like standing between wanting people to notice that I'm not even a bit fine but on the other hand I don't want to come off as attention seeking. 

It's kind of complicated because my mum knows about everything and my teacher was the one who told her that it got worse again and now my mum hates her somehow like wtf ok thank you make my life even harder and that's the reason why I don't want my teacher to talk to my mum about it because maybe she felt like I would replace her eventhough I only want to prevent her from my dumb feelings and stuff. 

Haha okay that's nice to hear!

On Monday we will try to find a date. She is always really fast when trying to make appointments. Not sure if this is good or she just wants to get rid of me faster. 

Thank you again and have a nice day (or night? Whatever time zone you are in)

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You're welcome. I'm glad to hear you didn't have an opportunity to self-harm!

1 hour ago, Labdbr said:

I hope I'm not triggering you or anything

No, don't worry about this. There are few things that can "trigger" me and most of the topics discussed on this forum don't have a chance ;) . (I'm mostly allergic to people who feel and behave like "having a monopoly on the truth", spreading conspiracy theories and/or hate-speech, ... Well; you can surely imagine what I mean... ;):(  )

1 hour ago, Labdbr said:

not being ill enough

This reminds me of:

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/outintheopen/invisible-illness-1.4019095 

(or mp3 = podcast: http://www.cbc.ca/radio/podcasts/current-affairs-information/out-in-the-open/ )

Perhaps you could have a listen. Those people are stigmatized or "not trusted" by others, while you're "self-stigmatizing" (and your mom seems to contribute to the situation by her unhelpful attitude). People with many different conditions  are presented there, so... you may end again with the feeling that "yes, those suffer, but not me; I'm not so seriously ill at all". But it's just that... you've been relatively lucky so far, but if you don't do anything about the present problems, they will get worse and worse. You perhaps don't have a mental illness now, but it can develop if you don't take care of yourself. Do you rationally think it's better to wait until your health problem gets "serious enough"? Would you do the same with a tooth - wait until it hurts so much that no med can alleviate the pain, for instance? Isn't it better to see a dentist when the dental carie is only very small? I know that mental problems feel very different, but I also think it's often useful to look at it from the same perspective as on physical health. It seems to me that to many, caring about their body feels more "appropriate", even though the mind can cause big problems, too... 

2 hours ago, Labdbr said:

But I really want to stop acting as if everything was good because most of the times it's not real and my life seems to be a constant lie.

I see. And I didn't mean that you should "act as if everything was good". I'm just convinced that it's good to enjoy - to the extent that is practically possible - moments with friends and 'acquaintances' when you're able to laugh, have fun, and relax to a certain extent. It's not really "fake". It's just not "the the fullest extent possible" (because you're still more or less aware you'll cry soon etc.), but it's better than not having this possibility or than trying to "be always true, i.e. sad, worried, ...". Because your only and whole "truth" is not only sadness, despair, self-hate, ... In that case, you would have severe depression. (And, paradoxically, you would know "this is serious enough", but you wouldn't have the energy necessary to seek help, to work well in psychotherapy (that's why patients with severe depression need also antidepressants - they first need to become able to go to therapy and make some efforts there).) As you implied, you don't have severe depression. So laughing and having fun sometimes isn't "a lie" or "something like that". (A deeply depressed person wouldn't be capable of such a "lie".) 

But to return to the quote above; "acting as if everything was good" would mean "not wanting help, denying or dismissing the problems you have (also by hating yourself for wanting to talk about them!), ... So yes; in this regard, it seems a part of you acts like this. But it's not the part that sometimes has a good time with friends. ;)  

2 hours ago, Labdbr said:

It's like standing between wanting people to notice that I'm not even a bit fine but on the other hand I don't want to come off as attention seeking. 

Yes, I know this, too. This also reminds me of my stupid "strategy"... You know; when I was at university, there was a prof I was in a contact with - a bit similar to the one you have with your teacher. And I had a strong wish "to be taken to a psychiatrist by him" (or, at least, to be persuaded to go there alone), but... at the same time, I wrote him explicitly something like "But, please, don't tell me to go to see professional help, because I know nobody could help me and my problems aren't of the kind that would "merit" medical or psychological attention". I wanted him to do it anyway - to convince me that I was wrong (I was, but he didn't - I waited so long that it became somehow "inevitable" to see a therapist...). In the hindsight, I consider it quite "crazy" and maddening... I could have been in therapy much sooner and many things could be different... :( Oh, well; I'm not going to cry over my past here ;-D! But I would really very much prefer to see you getting good, complex, adequate help as soon as possible, not waiting until it deteriorates so much that you wold regret it...

I understand also the problems around talking to your mum about it. In my case, I never told my family (except for a cousin because she's more like a friend) about my mental problems and my therapy. (I started therapy when I was already living with my husband, not with my mom anymore, so it was much easier to hide - the problems/"symptoms", too.) But it was mainly for other reasons: I didn't  want my mom to be worried about me and to have inappropriate qualms / remorses (because I think most "normal" parents suffer from the feeling of being "responsible" for the problems of their children, even in cases when they are not. And my mim would, I'm sure... But she had it hard with me and I don't blame her, so... I've wanted to protect her from my issues.)

But why would your teacher need to talk to her again? Perhaps she could just help you to find a psychologist / psychotherapist and then, with his/her help, you would also become able to talk about some of your problems to your mom (if you both decide it's "appropriate"). Or perhaps your teacher could help you to find "a strategy" to talk (much sooner than after some time in therapy) to your mom about "what's happening with you". The reaction of your mom you described ("hostile" to your teacher for telling her "bad news") was unfortunate and inappropriate, but... "human" (what else can I call it? ;) ). Your mom obviously has her own issues which prevent  her from being "the kind of parent you'd need". It would be useless and perhaps even unfair to blame and judge her. Perhaps there's at least one "positive" thing you can learn from that reaction: You should probably talk to her about your problems and needs yourself, not let your teacher to do it for you. (For instance, because it might feel as if she was "giving lessons" to your mom about you and/or as if you didn't have enough confidence to her to talk to her yourself.)

2 hours ago, Labdbr said:

Not sure if this is good or she just wants to get rid of me faster. 

Really cannot tell the difference / probability? :P 

It's the evening here as I'm writing this :) .

Take care and have a good weekend!

 

 

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Thank you, I will have a look at it as soon as I have the possibility. 

Well, yes, I think that I have to wait until things get serious enough. It has been 4 years now since my first cut but no psychologist ever knew about it because it just seemed unimportant. I'm always waiting way to long to see a new therapist but when I don't feel absolutely suicidal, I feel like I don't deserve it.  It took so much time to decide whether I should talk to my teacher in first place because I felt like she was forced to ask me if everything was alright. 

I've been diagnosed with severe depression and actually have to take antidepressants but yeah I guess I've some wrong diagnosis just like with the anorexia part. 

I've been with different therapists for 3 years now but after like a few week I came to hate every single one of them because they seem even crazier than me. One didn't even care that I lost like 7 kilos while being in therapy with her and my current just focused on why I never stop learing and school is so important for me which just didn't seem to be like the right point to begin when I often can't even allow myself sleeping.

My mum knows everything and she's actually quite supportive but I guess it's hard to see how her own child would rather want to die. So I guess, I have the same reason that you have, I didn't want her to be worried eventhough mothers like know most of the time if something is wrong haha

It wasn't really like hey come here and I tell you something about your daughter's problems but she had to tell my mom because we had this class trip and I told her before about my feelings and stuff and at some point said something about being suicidal and then my mom had to sign whether she could take responsibility for this. I can understand her in a way, I guess I would be mad in this situation because she felt like I trust my teacher more than her but that wasn't true. It was really just the part of protecting and also to let her know before the class trip because that kind of things is like really hard if there is no one around who knows about it eventhough one or two friends know about my situation  

Looking back, I feel like this was super dumb and I never should have written her in first place and especially not now but now I can't go back.

Oh okay, I tried to guess where do u might be from and somehow the idea of Italy or Spain popped up but don't ask me why haha

Have a nice day

 

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