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ThatOne

Long distance was a bad idea, again.

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It's been a while since last I posted on this forum, my life seemed to take a turn for the better. Then everything broke down again, and now I'm back to where I was about a year ago and worse.

 

I broke up with my last girlfriend about 6 or 7 months ago, maybe more I don't remember entirely. In early January I was in a deep and dark place, only reason I got up in the morning was because I wanted to have a cigarette, nothing else. University was killing me, my anxiety was at an all time high and I consider biting the bullet several times. Then a friend of mine suggested I join him and make a Discord server for only close friends and people who got along. I figured why not and joined in on it. That's where I met the most amazing woman I've ever met. For the sake of privacy let's call her E. E was everything, she was funny, cute, kind to the people she cared about and for some obscure reason she took a liking to me quite fast. One night after playing Overwatch she messaged me privately, after talking for a short bit she confessed that she had a crush on me. Me being the absolute fucking idiot I am decided to give her my time and we started talking. I quickly fell for her. Her music taste is just like mine, our taste in games, our humor everything. She is actually the most amazing woman I have ever talked to. So we started dating and have been for about 5 months now. Last week things started to change, she became more cold and distant towards me. She refused to say anything on it when I brought it up and continued to ignore me, give me one word replies where it once was long conversations. She told me I needed to not tell her I love her so much, that's fine some people don't like hearing that too much so I stopped. Then she started shutting me out even more. To the point where she doesn't bother saying good morning or good night.

 

I've been in a long distance relationship before. And we're talking properly long distance, seperate countries. Last time it ended with her thinking I was a waste of time because she met someone else, and broke it off with me a day after our one year anniversary. I was devastated, that same year I started abusing drugs and started what became a still ongoing and very self destructive lifestyle.

 

E means the world to me. And I'm scared that she has met someone else, or that she's quite simply realized I'm a waste of time. In either case, I don't think this relationship is going to last more than a few more weeks. I can't talk to her about it either, she straight up ignores me if I try to have any kind of meaningfull conversation with her. This means I have no one. I don't have anyone to turn to. I don't have friends I can turn to. She was my mountain (Yeah I know it sounds lame as fuck), she made me feel wanted and loved. Now all she does is make me want to paint a bathtub red. And I don't know why, if I knew why I'd atleast have that. But now I'm literaly just sitting here, staring at the Discord chat, hoping that she says something to me.

 

I just want someone to love me.

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Hi ThatOne. Just to add to what Vic has said, I think you deserve an explanation from her after 5 months - is there anyone else on the chat who you trust who knows her and would ask what was going on? It's a heartaching situation, but this cold, distant behaviour is now sadly another aspect of this 'amazing' person - better in many ways to find out after months rather than years. Be as kind to yourself as possible now, don't blame yourself in any way, you were just offering love.

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Just ignore her back. Move on, and have some pride (even if it's an act for now) and don't make any reference to her in the chat (is it a chat room?). Guaranteed that'll pique her interest and maybe she'll talk to you and you can find out what her problem was. That 'I love you' business can be tricky. It can be like poison to some relationships, especially if they have a negative experience the idea of it. Some people love it and overdo it and some people turn very sour very quickly. I'd just regroup and put yourself first in the pecking order, you matter most and it matters how you feel, she (for now) doesn't matter and that's just how it has to be. If she's found someone else, so be it, no point stressing out over things you can't change. Dust yourself off and stand tall, she'll come around. And if she doesn't, you'll find someone else because you'll be exuding confidence. 

Good luck

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I'm sorry you're hurting so much, again :( ... 

I can second jazz and YOTH and I'd also add two remarks (rather obvious, but I hope it might be good to "hear" it, to "remind you of" it):

- You've already been in a similar situation and it ended by finding "someone new", so - even though this particular person didn't turn out to be "the right one" - there's no reason to think you won't meet another woman who'll make you feel this way and who, in that case, could be better suited for a relationship with you.

- You seem so devastated mainly because someone who seems "perfect" doesn't want you anymore, while in fact, you've been just fooled by an illusion of "perfectness" as most of us do in such situations. Yes, she resembles a lot a woman you'd "need"/want, but... even though nobody can be "ideal / perfect", so in any case, you would (and will) have to accept many flaws, in this case, the main flaw she seems to have is crucial and makes her clearly not well suited to you: the flaw is that she isn't even willing to invest some efforts into discussion about and resolution of possible problems in your relationship! She obviously has a problem, but avoids even admitting it to you. That's one of the worst attitudes a partner can have! Imagine that you would marry her and she'd start to behave like this - that would only make you suffer. So... you now suffer from loosing someone who would only make you suffer more if you didn't loose her now but later...

Here is a short video that might, perhaps, interest you:

 

I realize that the deepest problem is not as much this woman in particular, as your lack of the feeling of being loved by someone. :( But... why does it hurt so much? Feeling loved is very pleasant, but... in adulthood, usually not essential for survival. I dare to presume it hurts you so much because you feel a need to be loved by someone else to believe you're lovable at all. And that's a problem that wouldn't necessary go away even in a relationship... so it would make sense to try to "resolve" it in the first place. I know, also from personal experiences, that it's not at all easy and there's no "quick fix". And in some sense, it is a work for the whole life, for most of us. But... I can tell you that psychotherapy can help significantly to overcome the worst and leave you in a much better place, much less / less frequently - or often even not at all!!! - suicidal and much better prepared for next relationships, including the possible disappointments...

I wish you to make the right choice; stay alive despite all and make efforts for healing and going forward...

Good luck!!!

Edited by LaLa
typos

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