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Flower Bobo

Cant handle yelling

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My moms a good lady but she yells a lot. She's been bey stressed ever since my dad died after being unemployed for 6 months. When that happened she had to scramble to get a job and could no longer be a stay at home mom. She's very frustrated with me bc I never ever clean ever. I know it's bad I just have zero motivation. But anyways, she yells at me a lot and she says typical parental punishment threats like "If you don't clean up down here I'll throw away everything laying out!" And she never ever acts on it and she loves me very much but I still get so anxious when she yells. Like anytime she yells at me, no matter how long or short it is I start to panic and get really sick and have irrational thoughts she wants to kill me. (she'd never do that and she's never laid a hand on me) she does her best and I love her a lot but I still need help managing my anxiety in response to yelling..

(please don't call my momma abusive shes a good person and saying that will give me an anxiety attack)

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Welcome, Flower Bobo.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. Do you have someone there, maybe a counselor at school or a trusted adult, who you can share with and confide in?

It sounds as though your mom might be going through a lot right now. I hope that she also has someone to support her through such a difficult time.

I don't do very well with yelling either. One thing that does help me is to try to care for myself. I put up a boundary and remind myself that this behavior is not about me. Does breathing help? Maybe too if you can get some space from her during these episodes of yelling? Is your mother approachable to talk with, Flower? Can you think of something that might motivate you to help more around the house? Are there activities you can do together with your mom? Time together could be healing for both of you.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this, Flower Bobo.  Take gentle care.

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@Flower Bobo She doesn't sound abusive, she sounds stressed. It seems like she's carrying a lot of burden with very little reward. I lack motivation and I find it really difficult to get myself in the mood to do anything productive. It's usually down to how much sleep I get, is that an issue for you? Try and figure out when you have the most energy and surprise her by doing something she won't expect, maybe when she gets home from work you've done the vacuuming or the dishes (I find mornings easier, but it will vary person to person). It's the little gestures that make a big difference. And the one thing that gets overlooked in relationships is talking. Sit and have a long chat, tell her how much you appreciate what she does and how proud you are of her working. Sometimes people just need to know you see what they do for you. 

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I can't handle yelling either.  That includes when it's not even directed at me.  I take it so personally.  Sounds like your Mum has a lot on her plate.  Maybe you could ask her to set up a night where you do certain chores and get paid a certain amount for them.  She can do some at the same time so you are making the house look nice together.  It might be motivating for you and reduce her stress (and possibly back pain) immensely.  If you do this every week, you can probably get it down to an hour a week.  Even that amount can be a huge help.

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