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YOTH

Continuation

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@Batman 

It's kind of hard to go from A to B to be honest because it's a journey I'm still on. I recently discovered that being tired all the time makes my fuse shorter than my cock. But if I could pinpoint a moment when it started to change it'd be the death of my great aunt. I lived with her as a baby until I was about 4 so we already had a pretty strong bond, but when I was kicked out 'my house' around 16-17 I went to live with her, and on and off I lived with her until well into my 20's. When she was dying I was living away and only got back to see her once before she died. It hit me hard and I was really angry on top of the walking around anger from everything else. I got into an altercation with my neighbours (two lads in their late teens) who gave me the stare one night waking back from the shop. I was just waiting for something like this so I fronted them both and they backed down. It happened again one night on my way to the shop and again they backed down, but this time they'd got a gang together when I got back. I scooted down an ally and went home, but it hit me like a ton of bricks, I was too old for this shit (every 80's action film ever). I was fighting battles on every front. I was fighting with some guy from around the way over a parking spot argument, I was fighting with a policeman who lived opposite me for calling him a pig when I was pissed and I was fighting in my own mind. My life was conflict, on every front. After months of buying self defence weapons and trying to predict who was my enemy (which being in gangs, dealing this and that I'd learned to do pretty well) it just overwhelmed me. And one day I'd just had enough and started angry crying (punching shit etc). It was too much to bear and I knew I needed to change.

Years before this I was sent to an anger management class for alcoholics (I smashed up a McDonald's) and they gave me a tape to meditate to. I only did it a handful of times it stuck with me. So I thought maybe I'd try it again just to be doing something. I found a few on YT that we're just music, but one day I saw a guided meditation with a Buddhist guy called Joseph Goldstein and thought fuck it and watched it. After a few weeks watching all of his videos Buddhism became my first positive thought system, and the beginning of turning it around. After years of hating myself and every cunt who crossed me I took responsibility. Every mediation I did really helped and as time went by I started to rely on it. And then one day it occurred to me, I'd started everything negative in my life. Every fight, every argument, every misunderstanding turned toxic had come directly from me. Either by staring at people or not letting a minor thing stay a minor thing and turning it into a major league event. About a year later I was walking home one day from dropping my kid off at nursery and realised I'd stopped doing it. I cried again (pussy?) A weight lifted off me like dropping a lead vest. To be fair, I can count on my hand how many times I've cried in my life, so I know when there's a genuine breakthrough. So overall I just stopped the attack on my end, nothing else, no grand gestures, no big scene, I just didn't start anything or retaliate to what felt like an attack. It took time with my parents, especially my father to realise I wasn't attacking him, but eventually he stopped defending himself and the relationship is a lot better for it. When you hear about people choosing forgiveness over conflict it sounds easy and cowardly, but that couldn't be further from the truth. It's really difficult and takes a lot of courage especially as hate comes so naturally to us. But there's nothing more powerful than not buying in. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do forgive everything eventually. And if the issue keeps cropping up, I keep on forgiving it. 

I honestly can't explain fully how it came about, because it really is experiential. But I can at least tell you that it's possible. It's been nearly 5 years since then and although I still get stressed and angry it lasts seconds/minutes rather than weeks/months. I hope this helped, even a little bit, because we don't deserve to feel like shit constantly. 

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On 31/05/2017 at 2:51 PM, YOTH said:

@Batman

My life was conflict, on every front...(which being in gangs, dealing this and that I'd learned to do pretty well) ...

 

Go on then. I'd like to hear about this. 

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