I want to overcome my anziety

[VilleLipponen]

My wife left me because of my small penis. She had never confirmed it, but the signs were obvious and she had remarried and is now with a man who is very well endowed.

This had damaged my self esteem, my personal image, my personality - i've become dull and negative, and had damaged my nervous system - i now live between panic attacks.

I want to find a way to not care about it, just dismiss the fact that i am rejected by the opposite gender, that my kids have a stepfather who they live with, because i was physically not enough.

I thought of committing suicide. I came very close to it, i think, and that is when my attacks started happening - i felt that i did not want to die but also had to do something about my situation and the only thing that i could do was to kill myself (i am not promoting that).

(i had a noose tied up and was going to hang myself in a sitting position. i stayed home that day, to work from home, knowing that i am staying to try and go through with it. i lack imagination - i don't know why i stayed home for that because this could have been done anywhere. that morning i kept debating with myself whether there is another way, another action that i could take ... that was all i could come up with. eventually i noticed that my heart was going extremely fast, that i was unable to move my arms because they were numb and  ... i blacked out for a second ... like everything just goes blank and black, you loose control over all muscles, i started falling, i shook myself out of it, jumped, ran outside, it happened again - another blank, fell on my knees, came back to it, i though it was a heart attack ... neighbors called an ambulance. this was on April 04. i still have these attacks once in a while)

So ... i am still unable to pry off the "i have a small penis" tiara of my head  

I want to find a way to not hate and want my ex wife back (a very confusing emotion).

I want to be able to accept the rejection, and find a way to be happy or indifferent.

I also don't want to be rejected by the opposite gender and what i want is to genuinely believe women if they were to accept me  ... i am sort of loosing my mind over this because i am deeply convinced that all women will discriminate against me and humiliate me and also think that somehow i should keep trying to move on and try being in a relationship, which i don't know whether i deserve, if my hypothetical partner would be giving up pleasure ... it is very confusing - i feel entitled and selfish ... and what i want to feel is "what a great day has this day been. look how much i've done and achieved", even if i am alone for the rest of my life.

 

How do i get there?

 

Thanks 

[YOTH]

Hi, welcome. Little penis tiara lol, I wear that sometimes 😂. It might be time to move on from thoughts of winning your wife back, those thoughts are painful. But it's not an bad thing to move on. I truly believe we have soul mates out there who'll be willing to accept us as we are. And you do deserve a partner, we all do. We have so much to offer. Happy and contented lesbians can go without a penis, so it's not the only tool on the belt, although it does feel that way sometimes. How is your relationship with your kids, do you get to see them often? That would hurt me most I think.