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Tina

Massive issues with university and dorm + I have hurt my friends

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OK, so.

I have started uni recently, Biology major. And I feel so DUMB compared to other students especially during chemistry and I feel like I am blanking in classes. I am also on dorm and my social phobia makes it super hard not to mention my roommate is ... not mean but clearly thinks less of me just beacuse I do not smoke. I have all symptoms of depression (losing interest, feeling tired etc.) but all of my mental healths experts invalidate me, say I only have social phobia I cried a lot, these two weeks. I got blackout drunk and fell asleep on my dorm corridor just becase I was so desperate. I genuinely consider selfharm just to make someone take my issues seriously and its getting worse and worse and worse.

Whats worst is that I have hurt my friendships too. I vent to them all the time, worry them, continue the toxic behavior I promised not to do, depend o them solely to make m mood better and they are mentally ill too I hurt them. I do not want to do it anymore, but I have no coping methods, no nothing on how to get better. It seems so hopeless. 

EDIT: I am sure my friends hate me now? Maybe it is a little uh, far fetched because they said they dont but I am so sure they do, 

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It's hard when you're trying to adjust to a new set of surroundings and you sound like you're not a 'try hard' as smoking is only 'cool' when you're young, after that it's a real pain to kick the habit, you're better off being a non smoker despite what your roommate says. It seems like you're just struggling to find a mind set to deal with these anxieties. I suggest pretty much any book by Wayne Dyer, he was an amazing man and his books are great at giving you the capacity to deal with the bullshit that this world throws at us. As much as it feels like you're the first person dealing with this bs, you're not, and there are people out there who can help you. Sometimes finding a support group outside of uni can be helpful, maybe Google some local groups of things you're interested in? I hope you find what you're looking for, and please don't feel like self harm is an option to make people understand what you're going through, there are options out there. Good luck 

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Hi Tina. College can be an adjustment and especially if you're living away from home for the first time. Are you involved in any fun activities on campus? Maybe this could help to relieve some pressure and offer balance.

Are you able to focus on yourself and your needs? How can you care for yourself now? Have you shared with your therapist that you feel he/she is not hearing you regarding your struggle?

Take care, Tina. I hope you feel better.

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On 10/1/2017 at 3:42 AM, LovingTheAlien said:

It's hard when you're trying to adjust to a new set of surroundings and you sound like you're not a 'try hard' as smoking is only 'cool' when you're young, after that it's a real pain to kick the habit, you're better off being a non smoker despite what your roommate says. It seems like you're just struggling to find a mind set to deal with these anxieties. I suggest pretty much any book by Wayne Dyer, he was an amazing man and his books are great at giving you the capacity to deal with the bullshit that this world throws at us. As much as it feels like you're the first person dealing with this bs, you're not, and there are people out there who can help you. Sometimes finding a support group outside of uni can be helpful, maybe Google some local groups of things you're interested in? I hope you find what you're looking for, and please don't feel like self harm is an option to make people understand what you're going through, there are options out there. Good luck 

 

On 10/2/2017 at 2:35 AM, Victimorthecrime said:

I encourage you to talk to the school counselor Tina.  Hope things go better for you.  College should be a joyous time learning, growing, planning and becoming confident.  

 

On 10/5/2017 at 9:13 AM, IrmaJean said:

Hi Tina. College can be an adjustment and especially if you're living away from home for the first time. Are you involved in any fun activities on campus? Maybe this could help to relieve some pressure and offer balance.

Are you able to focus on yourself and your needs? How can you care for yourself now? Have you shared with your therapist that you feel he/she is not hearing you regarding your struggle?

Take care, Tina. I hope you feel better.

Thank you all for well, encouraging words, but its over. My friends officially and righteously called me out on being a toxic friend and ended their friendship and I am having mental breakdown, deep shock and well I can not communicate properly and idk how to act so, never am i going to get another friends and all seems so hopless. I have nothing left

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Hi, Tina, i'm so sorry you're going through this all :( . I see that it feels overwhelming and hopeless at the moment; one cannot see "light" when being in a shock and when what'd preceded it also felt very bad. But crises happen and despite all the pain and helplessness, one can overcome them and start anew, or at least continue existence waiting for some changes.

I'd like very much to offer more (and sooner, too!!) to you, but I have just this bit of time now, I'm sorry. But, please, don't do anything hurtful to yourself, keep yourself safe even though you cannot, so far, feel the reason "why would it matter", will you?

And stay with us here - to vent, to put your feelings and thoughts into words and be heard is better than staying on your own and drowning in your misery. I know we cannot offer "much", but I also know, from experiences, that even on-line friends and acquaintances can make a difference. 

Take care!

:sad_huggy:

Edited by LaLa
preceded, not proceeded!

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1 hour ago, LaLa said:

Hi, Tina, i'm so sorry you're going through this all :( . I see that it feels overwhelming and hopeless at the moment; one cannot see "light" when being in a shock and when what'd proceeded it also felt very bad. But crises happen and despite all the pain and helplessness, one can overcome them and start anew, or at least continue existence waiting for some changes.

I'd like very much to offer more (and sooner, too!!) to you, but I have just this bit of time now, I'm sorry. But, please, don't do anything hurtful to yourself, keep yourself safe even though you cannot, so far, feel the reason "why would it matter", will you?

And stay with us here - to vent, to put your feelings and thoughts into words and be heard is better than staying on your own and drowning in your misery. I know we cannot offer "much", but I also know, from experiences, that even on-line friends and acquaintances can make a difference. 

Take care!

:sad_huggy:

I will. I drowned myself in Discords for LGBT people so I am good for now, but it still hurts. They were my only friends for a long time and it really really hurts, especially since its my own fault, because I was drowned in my worsening mental issues. 

I will nit hurt myself, I hope.

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I'm sorry this happened, Tina. :(

One positive thing about relationships, even the ones that end painfully, are the lessons we can take out of them. There is always something to learn about ourselves, I think, and the information we gain can help us have more satisfying relationships in the future. The experiences can be helpful to learn too how to relate to and care for ourselves. Also, there are two people in every friendship and I think it's rare for one person to be entirely at fault for the breakdown of a friendship.

I can understand that hearing this now might not help much. :( I hope that you can offer some compassion to yourself. Maybe do something kind for yourself? Keep sharing here, if it helps. We're listening.

 

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13 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Hey Tina please don't be so hard on yourself. Freshman year of college was a time of massive breakdowns for all of us.  Just keep looking and moving forward. 

Yea I hope :((((( I will try and get better and get more positive, just its hard. 

11 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

I'm sorry this happened, Tina. :(

One positive thing about relationships, even the ones that end painfully, are the lessons we can take out of them. There is always something to learn about ourselves, I think, and the information we gain can help us have more satisfying relationships in the future. The experiences can be helpful to learn too how to relate to and care for ourselves. Also, there are two people in every friendship and I think it's rare for one person to be entirely at fault for the breakdown of a friendship.

I can understand that hearing this now might not help much. :( I hope that you can offer some compassion to yourself. Maybe do something kind for yourself? Keep sharing here, if it helps. We're listening.

 

Yea..... I dont ever want to hurt people like that ever. This helpline I contacted told me that I am not selfish or narcisstic that I am just deeply sick and looking for answers and overwhelming other people but it feels fake, because I really hurt them. And I do not know if it is fair to blame them - I was too overwhelming. Yea I wil try to do something to relax.  

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Im so sorry that this happened to you, Tina. I dont think you have so much blame in this case. My first year in high school I had social anxiety and problems, but I found friends that care for me and support me even if I vent to them too much. Sometimes Im more secretive about my problems and they are people who ask me how Im feeling and if Im fine. I do the same for them. This year one of my friends had mental break down and she even called me at night, because she felt bad. I never even for second though that she is toxic friend, because she always helps me too. My point is that real friendship is to care for your friend and to try to help them when they are suffering. You not feeling well is not reason to abondan you. Of course you maybe was venting too much and making them unconfortable, but they just had to tell you not to talk so much about problems and try to distract you with something like my friends do,not leave you. If you are first year in university I think you should look for friends that care for you and are there for you and of course if they had problem you should talk about their problems too not just yours. You can write me when you want to talk.

Take gentle care of yourself

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1 hour ago, Andromeda said:

Im so sorry that this happened to you, Tina. I dont think you have so much blame in this case. My first year in high school I had social anxiety and problems, but I found friends that care for me and support me even if I vent to them too much. Sometimes Im more secretive about my problems and they are people who ask me how Im feeling and if Im fine. I do the same for them. This year one of my friends had mental break down and she even called me at night, because she felt bad. I never even for second though that she is toxic friend, because she always helps me too. My point is that real friendship is to care for your friend and to try to help them when they are suffering. You not feeling well is not reason to abondan you. Of course you maybe was venting too much and making them unconfortable, but they just had to tell you not to talk so much about problems and try to distract you with something like my friends do,not leave you. If you are first year in university I think you should look for friends that care for you and are there for you and of course if they had problem you should talk about their problems too not just yours. You can write me when you want to talk.

Take gentle care of yourself

No I was too overwhelming and even toxic I can accept that. I feel so sick of myself that even looking into mirror hurts? I dont know. I dont know. They told me what I was doing wrong but I was so hurt and pained and I didnt know that I was doing wrong tthey did the same thing?....... I deserve this I know I need to get better but it hurts. OK I will try......

 

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Even if part of the blame is yours we still care about you. Everybody sometimes feel pain and dont know what they are doing,because they are blinded by hurt. We are humans. Dont be so hard on yourself. I know its hard( I too struggle to be kind with myself), but I hope you will feel better soon.

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7 minutes ago, Andromeda said:

Even if part of the blame is yours we still care about you. Everybody sometimes feel pain and dont know what they are doing,because they are blinded by hurt. We are humand. Dont be so hard on yourself. I know its hard( I too struggle to be kind with myself), but I hope you will feel better soon.

I hope so too.....

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It's good that you're reaching out and have found some understanding people! :) 

I have some comments about the friends:

- I think your behaviour towards them might be perhaps interpreted also as a form of "test" you used to perform unconsciously: "Will they be there for me, no matter what? Will they accept me also 'at my worst'? Only if they do, I'll be able to feel "acceptable, lovable, etc.". If they don't, it will prove to me that I'm as bad as I suspect to be." Perhaps you'd been lacking this kind of full acceptance in your childhood, from your parents, so you seek it in friends. (It's not just my fantasy; I've read about such behaviour several times.) But although parents "should" be accepting and loving unconditionally, all friends have their limits for the kind of behaviour that they feel able to "bear".

In any case, what you used to do doesn't make you "bad", it only means you still don't understand fully your true needs and the origins of some behaviours. That's the most important lesson to learn from this. I'm afraid that when people here tell you that you should "learn", you'll make the conclusion sounding like: "I cannot be myself with friends, I have to hide what I feel, I have to pretend to be different to be accepted and liked" - but that's not the right lesson, I'm sure.

- They haven't rejected you forever. This is not "the end", you may make new friends, but also gain these "old-ones" back. All of you probably need some break now and as you'll feel better and prepared to "regain" them, they'll be happy to be friends again. I know this is not sure, but I consider it quite probable. (I also have some experience with resuming friendships after some months of "cooling" after a conflict.)

- It also reminded me of this thread you're also familiar with - it shows you "the other side", though in a slightly different context:

http://www.mentalsupportcommunity.net/topic/10461-need-to-help-a-friend-with-depression/?tab=comments#comment-127859

What do you see there? Is there hate and / or not caring and / or refusal to be friends? No, there is genuine caring and wish to help, sometimes overshadowed by the need to protect one's own mental 'wellbeing'. I'm sure if the sick friends got better, this friend "returned to" him happily.

Also, you mentioned that you feel stupid etc. But it's all about the right attitude. If you consider yourself stupid, the learning will be much much harder :( . Try to "trick yourself into" considering it a challenge - to sit down and understand the matter. And if something still seem unclear, you can find someone who'll explain it to you. (We had this opportunity (to have consultations) at uni from several teachers - perhaps yours would do the same if you ask. Or you can ask a student who seems to be very good and at the same time approachable (it would perhaps be also an opportunity to make a new friend - ?). You just need to be able to pose good questions = to be able to formulate what you don't understand. In that case, people are much more willing to help than if you just say "I don't get it / it's too complicated / it doesn't make sense to me" etc.)

 Sometimes, focusing on learning can be a good way to distract yourself from other problems you have. But you also need to believe you'll be able to understand and learn and get better at it, so that learning won't be frustrating. I hope that thinking about the experience from high-school will help with this: You are much smarter and much more capable than you imagine to be before tests and exams ;) . 

Good luck and keep posting!

 

 

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P.S.:

I wrote most of that post before Andromeda posted her 1st comment here, then came here to post it and haven't read what's been new here.

And yes, I do agree with A. and like the way she put it :) .

4 hours ago, Tina said:

They told me what I was doing wrong but I was so hurt and pained and I didnt know that I was doing wrong tthey did the same thing?.

May I ask what they said you did wrong?

And also; I haven't understood the "hey did the same thing" in the quoted sentence. Would you mind explaining? :redface:

6 hours ago, Andromeda said:

they just had to tell you not to talk so much about problems and try to distract you with something

This sounds also plausible - even if your friends haven't mentioned that, they might have felt it this way, too...

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9 hours ago, LaLa said:

P.S.:

I wrote most of that post before Andromeda posted her 1st comment here, then came here to post it and haven't read what's been new here.

And yes, I do agree with A. and like the way she put it :) .

May I ask what they said you did wrong?

And also; I haven't understood the "hey did the same thing" in the quoted sentence. Would you mind explaining? :redface:

This sounds also plausible - even if your friends haven't mentioned that, they might have felt it this way, too...

I... thank ou for your words which are logical and objective, it just hurts, I know I need to get better, but positivity seems like lying to myself too much.

First they said I idealize them and imagine them without their flaws which is dehumanizing. I do not understand what that meant? I did see them with their issues, with them whole but maybe I did not act like that? Apparently I was also guilt-tripping them into being my therapists, doing things they could not point out without me getting anxious and possibly suicidal. Which I do not remember? I do not remember any of it? I was  trying to avoid that behavior but maybe I was so hurt that I did it anyway? Also I mentioned suicide ED and alcohol and selfharm too much but...... I thought that was fine? Our friend did the same thing and others mentioned wanting to die a lot. Maybe I just talked too much about it? Trying to emulate their behavior and not think about how it would effect them?  Maybe they knew others would not do it but they knew others wouldnt do it but they saw me in that awful worsening situations and thought "I can not protect that anymore I need to protect myself first". They also tried giving me advice but I ignored that advice because.....well.... it was a generic advice I have heard before, which was bad from my side as well. But suddenly they got angry? There were more thingd there but I do not remeber it - it was too much of a shock for me. 

I mean we all were venting. All of us are mentally ill and they are in some awful situations as well. But I think I took it too far and started to depend on them too much without outside source of venting. My probably Asperger did it even worse. 

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