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MillPuppy

[trigger warning] Millenial Sociopath/Relationships/Money/Eating Disorders

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Hello,

I have always known how I was, I just didn't know other people were also this way; plus with the ridiculously misdirected information on the internet about people with ASPD/Sociopathy (amongst various other things) it was hard to really correlate myself with that. But because of a prolonged amount of relationship/money/health/law/life failures, I saw several therapists and ultimately got diagnosed with a shit ton of things, primarily ASPD, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety. Depressive episodes generally caused by the ASPD. Pretty sure its because of the boredom.

First I'll just say that I had a fucked childhood. My non-biological but rather adoptive grandfather, 30-year mayor of my former hometown, loved by all, got arrested for 93 (not the actual total of counts but a compromised decision of an amount to plead for) counts of primarily self-made child porn that he made with me, many of my siblings and cousins and classmates and community members. My dad was into heroine and meth, and my mother caught him doing meth in my closet when I was a toddler, told him to leave, he tried to set us on fire, blah blah, got away with it. Classic bad abuse situation, like in the movie "Enough". lol But yeah, she ended up having to sneak me and one of my brothers out of the state to where I currently live. We were poor and my mom was super irresponsible but chill I guess because she just fucked a bunch of dudes for money/rent, so we moved around a lot til we lived in the country, then our landlord would fuck her outside on the hay bales and get her drunk and leave her in the snow, and my older bro would carry her in. We were both pretty desensitized. I hated living in the country. Went to a tiny country school with a bunch of hicks. Had no good friends but on, she was kinda fucked tho. Had a lot of tantrums, wouldn't speak to adults, was really weird. She was cool tho. Demented. We used to play "Husband and Wife" and simulate sex without actually having sex. It was weird but we justified it. She would also get randomly fucking furious and beat me spasm-like and swear at me. I never really cared so I didn't tell anyone. I knew she was pissed and I didn't think I could really help her, so I let it slide. But I did hit her back a lot, and I talked shit about her, and even after she shaved her head for me when I had cancer, she told me she loved me and I thought people would think I was a lesbian so I said that was gross, she said something and ended it with "fuck you" and I thought I was clever and said "I know you want to, but I don't feel that" and I ended up laughing about it with the asshole jocks who made fun of her and it was props fucked but I didn't care. And OMG she made a "I hate 'Mill Puppy'" page on Facebook (btw mill puppy is in place of my real name.). It was hilarious, many of my classmates liked it. It was really fucking middle school demented but like I couldn't be mad. She eventually killed herself but I wasn’t at ALL surprised. And when I found out, I was almost amused. I pretended to be destroyed, but I can’t say I actually was/am. Anyway.

 

I had a lot of crazy shit happen in my childhood. Didn’t care. Knew how to lie and manipulate from a young age. Knew a lot about people. I’m high functioning. Cancer did not affect me. Didn’t take it seriously. Still haven’t. But I’m cured. I’m in college. I keep getting bored with people. Relationships. Romantic relationships. But I think I found another socio in my friend group. I really like him. We have lots of sexual tension. He’s my frat dad (they voted to allow girls in) and I often masturbate to fantasizing that he is my “daddy”. lol) He’s not particularly attractive, but he’s like me. He plays with me and I like playing with him. I’m in a relationship and I like the guy I’m with. He’s my ideal person. But he’s just boring. Idk. It’s hard. I really liked him. He only wanted to be friend at first, I won (as per normal) and now we’re in a relationship. I’m trying to see if my socio friend will want to relationship (I know he’s gonna be a good fuck) and he’s power hungry like me.

 

I also like fashion and Instagram, and I need a small body (but my body was fucked by cancer) so I starve myself. I feel no sort of guilt for this at all.

 

I was also raped multiple times because I literally don’t care.

 

Idk, I’m wondering if anyone has advice or is like me?



 

Edited by LaLa
added trigger warning

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Hello, Millpuppy, welcome!

As far as I know, we currently don't have members diagnosed with ASPD, so it's unlikely to receive replies from "someone like you". Some kind of abuse during childhood is, on the contrary, relatively widespread :( , but the kind and extent of abuse you've experienced is mind-boggling :( ... After reading it, it seems entirely logical to me that your brain reacted by "becoming antisocial", so to say. And that "everything" now feels boring to you, because you haven't "learned" to engage with people in a satisfactory way and your threshold for "activities / events that deserve attention" has been set so high, because almost everything around you was so intense that you had to protect yourself... so now the "ordinary people and experiences" feel  "insipid / grey". And even when something so fearsome (to most of us) as cancer comes, you can protect yourself from the horrors by all the existing psychological mechanisms you'd build in your childhood to survive. But, as it's the case with many of our strong psychological protection mechanisms, those coping strategies aren't perfect and have bad side-effects :( .These are, of course, just my thoughts and relatively superficial interpretations; I hope you don't mind me sharing them...

You mentioned you got diagnosed, but you don't mention any treatment. Has some therapy been offered...? Are you prone to try to get professional help?

You mention that you're starving yourself and don't feel any guilt which implies you suppose you should. Could you try to elaborate about this need for a small body (what does it represent for you - is it a kind of protection (to be small), a kind of "effort to disappear", ...???) and about the potential guild you "should / could" feel? 

You don't care about being repeatedly raped. May I ask you; would you, though, prefer not to be raped anymore?

You also seem to want some kind of advise regarding your boyfriend. Would you try to formulate some concrete questions about it, so that we could try to give you some feedback?

I know I haven't offered you much here, but it's mostly because I don't have enough information and would prefer know more about you before trying to, possibly, figure out some "advise" (that you're seeking). I hope it's OK with you.

Take care!

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