Here Comes the Rollercoaster

[LostBoy]

I'm not really looking for empathy or problem solving but I felt I needed to talk "out loud".

Today has been a rough day for me and I'm really not completely sure why. My wife has went to stay with her parents for a few weeks and so maybe some of it is me missing her or some of it may be my paranoia that she may be seeing "old friends" while she's away. I have no reason to be thinking this but every so often it creeps into my head like a leech sucking out all logic. Some of my thoughts likely stem from past Facebook conversations of hers, that I have read, that talk of her old boyfriend's "size" and his skill with cunnilingus as well as the fact that apparently he is still "hot". To my knowledge she has never actually cheated on me and the conversations that I have read are most likely "girl talk" but this doesn't stop the paranoia that grows inside of me.

I even dreamed last night that she was with him while she was in town. Most of this stems from my SPS, I believe, because even though I have learned the right techniques to bring her to orgasm I have to believe, down deep, that she would really like a romantic and sensual orgasm versus a mechanical one.

I hate it when I feel this way and normally when it starts I continue to spiral to a point where I'm drinking my pain away and becoming obsessed with masturbation and porn. It's so strange that things can go well for months and even in some cases years without this feeling creeping in and then in the blink of an eye it hits me.

Normally, I can offer support, logic, and reason to those around me but day's like today all I can offer is darkness and pain. There is no logic in my head right now and that just doesn't fit with my "normal" personality. I will overcome this, as I have done many times in the past, but for now I feel as if I have nothing and that I'm not worthy of my wife and that I couldn't really blame her if she did seek out others who could satisfy her needs.

I know all of this is in my head but that means little at this point as I am well aware that it is just a feeling and not reality.

[Lodz]

@lostboy1 thank you so much for sharing that. I know how hard it is to put things like that into words. When I'm feeling that way, i want to just retreat into whatever mind numbing agent soothes me the most in the moment. And it's ok to do that too, to some extent. But sharing that here is a positive step. #digitalbrohug

[Victimorthecrime]

Hey lostboy1 my 2 cents is to beware of the self fulfilling prophecy.  

If you start drinking & obsessing that will cause a change in you that could become a problem for the relationship.  

Maybe while she is away do something around the house to make things better and maybe plan a nice surprise for when she gets back - flowers, wine, dinner, whatever she likes.  

[YOTH]

I did that once, went reading comments. Bad for your health lol. I thought I was being slagged off by her family and was livid for weeks. But the comment was out of context, turned out I'd read part 2 and got it wrong. They do hate me, just not in that message 😂

[LostBoy]

Just an update, I've followed the same m.o. as usual when I'm going through this phase, heavy drinking and lots of porn and masturbation. I've found a web cam website that randomly picks people (male and female) for you to chat with but realistically it's just a way to show you masterbating and to watch others doing the same. It's not people wanting money, it's just "normal" people wanting to show what they have and see what everyone else looks like.

I assume the website is biased towards those that are proud of their bodies because most of the guys on their are above average in size and some are just plain huge. I get many comments from "aw that's cute", to the universal small sign of the index finger and thumb. Most of the females just look in amazement for a few seconds before moving on. Of course, there are always a few guys who are looking for something small and those are the ones who want to talk.

I know this is an unhealthy atmosphere and that feels and reinforces my SPS but it's like a train wreck, I just can't seem to look away. I guess the good news is that I will go to work tomorrow so maybe that will at least slow this coaster down.

Based on my past experience, this will continue for another week or two. For now, I'm just holding on as I go through the peaks and valleys.

I appreciate all of you for listening and the support you have offered. It's nice having a safe space to let it all out.

[YOTH]

@lostboy1 You've got bigger balls than me, I wouldn't dream of doing that. I've never even been on cam short of chatting on WhatsApp. I have been on those websites before tho, they were quite popular around 07-08, I always ended up chatting to people about general stuff. 

[Victimorthecrime]

I only have a phone at home no computer so I can't access these webcam chat roulette sites (thank god) but if I ever did I would wear a disguise if I was showing the goods because people record these interactions and then post them on the internet so word to the wise there.  I am sure I am not telling you all anything you don't already know but just as a reminder.  

The internet is a mixed blessing for sure.  I suppose anything that has power can be utilized for good or for destructive purposes.  

[LostBoy]

It's not as revealing as you think. Unless someone can recognize my "junk" then there's not really an association with me. Some people show their faces but most just show their bodies. There's some level of anonymity or else I wouldn't do it.

 

[Victimorthecrime]

Ok good deal lostboy1.  

[Lodz]

I get what you mean by rollercoaster now. The thrill of an approaching crash or dangerous situation. The thrill/fear of the next person's reaction. The excitement of humiliation. I've done similar things, compulsively, for 20 years. Been free of that level of self inflicted trauma for 6 months, but sliding in that direction lately again. I need to watch it myself. I hope you can find some level of freedom from it too.

[LostBoy]

2 hours ago, Lodz said:

I get what you mean by rollercoaster now. The thrill of an approaching crash or dangerous situation. The thrill/fear of the next person's reaction. The excitement of humiliation. I've done similar things, compulsively, for 20 years. Been free of that level of self inflicted trauma for 6 months, but sliding in that direction lately again. I need to watch it myself. I hope you can find some level of freedom from it too.

This is exactly what I mean and you say it much more eloquently than I. I'm not into humiliation, necessarily, but the validation that I'm very small could never ring more true than when going to these sites. I have yet to see anyone smaller than me and the reactions and comments reinforce what I already know. It's like an obsession to continually prove my thoughts, fears, and nightmares are all too real.

I reached out to my wife, tonight, to see if she was missing me sexually. I made hints about buying her a new toy to spark things up, hoping for a little grounding, but she was aloof and said that our libidos were apparently not in sync.

That is deflating beyond all comprehension. I now know that even when she returns there is no sexual desire that brings her back to me. I guess I'm now riding this till the end. It will either end as a normal ride or I will crash and burn.

[Klingsor]

99.99% of women are incapable of comprehending or even conceptualizing this issue. Expecting pity from them or trying to explain it is useless. You may as well try to explain the basis for a litter box to a cat. 

[LostBoy]

@Klingsor, I wasn't trying to explain my issue to her. I was just trying to see if she was missing me sexually. I was hoping that if I could get some affirmation from her then this might help me out of my funk because that would make me feel wanted.

I mentioned my small penis concerns to her years ago and it was met with little empathy and she compared it to peoples differing heights and was somewhat dismissive so I have learned that my size concerns are not a topic for discussion.

[YOTH]

@lostboy1 I'm wondering whether she was trying to not add to your concern? Maybe if you made it clear how it affects you on a daily basis regardless of whether she acknowledges it as a real problem, she might be more open to constructive dialogue. You can't just suffer in silence because she once compared it to height, she's your wife. I don't see the point of a significant other it your emotions and feelings aren't considered significant. It's a case of making her aware of how you feel day to day so she can try and be aware of how much support you need, even if that's saying she misses you sexually when she's not, we all say stuff to make others feel loved even when we're not feeling it ourselves at that moment. If I've learned anything about women it's that they know very little about what we're thinking, and like with most people, they just don't see what we think is blatantly obvious to anyone who glances in our direction. I say try it again when she gets home. I go a bit peculiar when she's at her mother's with the kids, it's all wanking off and eating shit and drinking anything alcoholic, but that's just boredom and a drastic routine shift. Just as I'm starting to settle in to the new regime, they come back 😂

[Klingsor]

I think you'd do much better to simply ignore her while she's gone. If there's one thing I've learned, women hate insecure men. As paradoxical as sounds, she will miss you more if you act like you don't care than by texting her and showing that you do. It comes across as needy. If she begins to think you're having a ball without her there, she'll come back ASAP.

[YOTH]

@Klingsor That works in theory, but all this 'men who are insecure lose women' nonsense only works on women who are equally insecure. If you love em and they love you, it's better to be open. It's only really a competition when you're dating anyway. Once you're 10-11 years in as in my case, it saves a lot of agro to just be honest. We spend so much time wasting our lives acting like indestructible bulls we forget how important it is to be weak (occasionally). I'm not saying he should start writing poetry and crying at sunsets, just be honest once in a while. Plus, I'm a moody prick when I want to be anyway, so that kind of keeps things frrrresh 😂

[Klingsor]

Honestly I don't know. Theory is all I have since I'm so weak in application.

[Small]

Women are extremely unsympathetic with their partners insecurities etc and this is a deliberate ploy! It's designed to give them the sole power of emotional and moral manipulation. Period. Note how a woman will incessantly dismiss a man's issues while encouraging him to get over it - simultaneously clutching to every bit of turmoil she's experienced. Since relationships are mostly based on emotions, and women manoeuvre themselves to be the recipients of their partner's emotion (& not vice versa), the relationship is centred around her needs & not his.

[Small]

Men never seem to notice this. Women spend ages encouraging men to open up and when they do - they are immediately met with a "you're a man get over it" narrative. So why do they encourage us to open up? To hang their banners on our emotional holdsups thereby conquering us. We will no longer have an emotional cave to which we can retreat and instead use it all on their issues. 

[Small]

In the western world, most men have yielded all power they once had over women and are extremely emasculated. It's by social engineering. If you want a woman then buy yourself a leash and practice rolling over. Not to undermine your problems lostboy1, but I agree with Klingsor on this. If you can rebalance the power it would help. If you manage to carve yourself a hobby that doesn't involve her - just watch her bitch about what a waste of time it is. If you manage to keep it up though, the chances are she'll start making an effort for you.

[Small]

This is why partner selection is so important in maintaining control. In most instances, men aim for the prettiest woman they can get. For the rest of the relationship, she will use her looks as leverage to keep her partner in check. Control is won & lost there IMO. Unless he has enough money, status or sexual attractiveness to trump her looks then he will probably spend the rest of the relationship making up for it by being her bitch. Things like finding new hobbies or maintaining your distance might work - but if she realises what you're doing she'll probably start doing it too - but in a way more provocative manner to incite your jealousy. Women are fucking bitches. Fuck them. Cunts.

[Small]

I know my posts aren't helpful. Sorry. I'm not trying to help I'm just venting. Good luck.

[Klingsor]

Small did a good job of summarizing my thoughts on this. Whatever the fuck those are worth. 

[Lodz]

I've been the bitch in every relationship i've had. In one way or another. I am just naturally passive, so it works. I gave up on pretending to be the hetero-normative dominant male a long time ago, and i think i'm better off for it. I think sps is a big part of what made me like that. But i know i'm not typical that way, even here.

[Klingsor]

@Lodz

Theres a guy I work with who was in the military and is also a bodybuilder. He likes to talk to me for some reason and he was telling me he was "the bitch" in his relationship. He said he's submissive around his wife, as in passive. He said he knew a lot of guys like that. So I guess it's pretty common across many types of guys. I suppose I'm like that in a certain way because I find cold, brutal women very alluring.