Adult Imaginary Friend

[LaLa]

On 2018-01-07 at 3:35 PM, MDeCa said:

I've been trying to crack this case for the longest time, so I stay 98% focused on it, on a daily basis.

I think it's admirable and good for you, but I also wonder if there's a possibility of a "bad influence", too. Not (in this case) "bad influence of Ben", but of the focus on your mental state all the time. Doesn't it prevent you from fully enjoying some things / activities? 

On one hand, "almost everybody" recommends mindfulness and preaches its benefits (and you seem to me (perhaps wrongly) to be "mindful" most of the time, like skilled meditators - am I mistaken?), on the other hand, "forgetting yourself" in a state called flow  is very recommended. So I'm a bit confused about these issues , yet I think I can pose you these questions about them. Can you experience flow, a pleasant state without thinking about "the processes in your mind"? Or, in other words, are there activities you enjoy and can be "fully immersed" in them?

Take care!

[MDeCa]

Of course it interferes. I can't drive to the park to take my dog for a walk without worrying the whole time if I'll have a panic attack or I get in a movie-like, irrational car wreck. I obsess on concentrating on my self-awareness. It's definitely the main cause for my anxiety is not the actual issues I'm experiencing, but the worrying about them. When I said 98%, I meant that literally. I do agree, it's not healthy. But I've always lived that way; over-analyzing, over-thinking, over-obsessing over the tiniest details. Obsession over my own mind is definitely like living in a whole world of my own. Beautiful, unique, exciting, but all too intrusive into my reality-life.  

[malign]

Well, if you spend all that time looking inside at yourself, a. I can understand how reality on the outside might start to fade, and b. How you might split into observer and observed, in a way.  It's almost as if you're so fascinated by the distress you're in that you can't break away from watching it long enough to get help reducing it.  You're not really a case to crack;  you're a person who is suffering.

Also, in a totally different angle, I notice that Ben's portrait quite closely resembles Slender Man;  is that intentional?

[MDeCa]

@malignYes and no. At a young age, Ben just looked like whatever I wanted him to look like while we were playing pretend. If he was supposed to be the prince saving me, he might have had blonde hair and a built body. If he was supposed to be the bad guy, he looked like a bad guy. But I always knew it was Ben. In between the age of pretend and the new form he has now, he was simply more of a conception of Ben. I had no use to actually see him, physically if I wasn't playing pretend anymore. So I usually didn't. And if I ever did, he would again, just look like how I was feeling at the time. Really complex to try and explain. 

When I experimented with tulpamancy, I already had Ben in my life. He meant something to me, yet I figured he was just a pretend thing that I played with. He was the easiest personality template to use. Yet, he did not already have a form, face, shape, etc. for me to use. So, I pictured a blank slate. Blank face, slender (almost skeletal) body, so that he could be built upon. This was meant to be just the structuring of Ben, and not meant to be the end result. He did not even have the suit while I was doing this meditating. I never completed my tulpa because I simply did not have the mental capacity to sit there and meditate and focus on building a face from scratch. It was exhausting and I lost interest. 

So even though I gave it up, in doing this, I actually made Ben more real to me than ever. Ben's appearance alone does not scare me. I look at it as an incompletion to be improved upon, not a sinister stare or covering up his emotions, etc. There are no emotions he holds back. 

I'm not sure exactly where the suit came from, and I'm not sure if it's something I dressed him up in, or if its how HE chose to represent his clothing to me. I simply don't know. Around the time I experimented with tulpamancy was kind of around the same time I was hearing about all of the scary internet things like the salad fingers videos on youtube, and yes, even slenderman. So its possible that he already had the white morph-suit look to him, as did slenderman, so it would be easier to imagine the slenderman suit instead of making one of his own. It's entirely possible. 

[malign]

I probably didn't need to ask about Ben's appearance at the end; it wasn't nearly as important as trying to shift your attention back toward healing.

As fascinating as your inner world no doubt is, you're here because of trouble in the outside world.  Those people, Drew and your pets and others, need you, too.  What I think you're debating is how they can safely coexist with you and Ben.

I can imagine how focusing on Ben long enough and hard enough would give him a more tangible reality.  It's not clear whether that was beneficial to you, though.  He could be, and was, a perfectly good friend to you before that, right?  I suspect there's a balance between inside and outside (life is full of things you have to balance.)  The more time and effort you devote to one, the less you have for the other.  Would you consider only devoting, say, 90% of your time to "cracking this case", and spend the rest with the people around you?

[LaLa]

21 hours ago, malign said:

90%

Do you really think this would be sufficient?  

[malign]

It's less than 98%, so it's a start.  

[MDeCa]

@malign I do agree. It's just so easy to get sucked into it. I know Drew is probably tired of listening to me rant about it. In the real world, I have anxieties and fear to an extreme extent. If someone says "What?" like they didn't hear what I said, or they didn't understand it, then that alone can set me into a panic attack. I've tried to push myself and out myself in a position to be in retail and have to make sales to customers. At first, I was extremely awkward, non-assertive, and just plain unhelpful. I've been working at my techniques for over a year, so my social skills have improved, although still very sensitive and unstable. This is a very professional environment and I had to go to the electrical room in the back to punch some dents in the filing cabinets we have in there due to being overwhelmed by the social anxiety. That could have cost me my job which I make good money at, and it enjoy the work I do there. 

So basically, there are still many struggles in my earthly reality, which makes me WANT to and feel like I HAVE to invert myself into my mental reality.  Its my way around punching dents into company property. 

It has its own flaws and hindrances towards me, but to me, is far less scary than the real world. 

[malign]

Real world anxieties and fear are fairly common, after what you've been through.  Have you tried any sort of counseling to deal with what must've been a horrible experience?

I went to work in a drug store, in my 20's, to overcome my social anxiety.  But mine may not have been as severe.  I wonder, though, whether punching metal hard enough to leave dents might say anger more than fear?  I could imagine how having been made to feel that much fear could make a person angry, as well.

I don't doubt that your inner world helps you cope, has helped you cope for quite a while.  But you had to come up with it by yourself at a young age.  Do you think you could, with help and now that you're older, maybe come up with even more effective coping skills, whether to modify the ones you've got or add to them?  There may be a way to cope as well as you are now, or better, with less need to turn away from your loved ones out here in the world.

That would be worth something, wouldn't it?

[LaLa]

I wonder if this would interest you:

http://meaningoflife.tv/videos/39683

 

[MDeCa]

No, not actual counseling. I see my psychiatrist every 6 months and the last time I saw her, I told her about it. She's the first professional I've told about the rape. She doesn't know about anything else going on with me, aside from the anxiety, which is the reason I started even going to her. 

The anxiety puts extreme fear into me. When I become that emotional, its not hard for Ben to start taunting me and giving me more reasons to worry or be anxious. If I was selling a computer to a customer and stumbled on my words, at first, it bothers me a little bit. As soon as I go to lockup to retrieve the computer, I'm repeating that part of the conversation over and over and over. Sometimes I don't realize I'm even doing it until I have to check myself because I don't want someone to see that I talk to myself. At this point, my ticks start to come out and my anxiety is getting worse. By the time the sale has ended, my anxiety is kicking me in the head. I have to leave abruptly and run to the back office or the bathroom and have to keep repeating the part of the conversation that I stumbled on until I feel safe again. Mind you, this entire time, Ben is telling me "You fucked up! You idiot! How are you going to sell something like that? Why should they (the customer) believe anything you say if you can even speak English properly!? They think you're weird. You're awkward. You have a lisp and they all hear it. You look stupid trying to sell something." 

Just constantly. Non stop. So its not the actual anxiety that gets my violence going, but the anger towards not being good enough, or in my saner moments, being angry at Ben for talking to me like this and trying to hurt my feelings. 

I've tried various little techniques. I have a pocket angel that I would twirl between my fingers to help how fidgety I get when I'm anxious. Yes, I'll admit, I have even used Fidget Spinners. I have to use subtle techniques that I could do literally at ANY time, and I try to use things (like the pocket angel) that will catch my attention so that I'm more aware of when I have anxiety so I can breathe again. Anxiety is such a main aspect to my every day life, that I don't even realize when I have it anymore. It catches my attention and actually surprises me when I'm relaxed. 

[malign]

Well, you know a psychiatrist these days is about meds.  And every 6 months is a long time unless she thinks you're stabilized.  And she couldn't guess you had been traumatized by the rape unless you tell her (many women survive rape without developing clinical PTSD.)  I know why you don't want to tell her more, but then you can't hope she'll suddenly guess what you need.  I wonder, have you told anyone else who might be, or might have been, able to help you process your feelings after the rape?

You said "... which is the reason I even started going to her ..." but it's not clear whether you mean anxiety is the reason, or that she doesn't know any more about you than the anxiety.  Would you clarify that for me, please?

I had moderate anxiety when I was your age, and although it has moderated some with age (I'm 56 now), I'm still on an SSRI for the anxiety/depression combo.  If I had the severity you do, I'd have to be tranked to the gills just to function.  So, congrats (?) on that.

You know, it's hard to imagine a friend talking to you like that.  Does it feel protective, to you?  Sounds painful, to me, like it would just make things worse.  But you're the one who's in there with it;  how would you describe it?

[MDeCa]

That's what sucks. If she was a therapist and could spend hours talking to me, I would spill everything to her because over the years I've developed trust for her. But unfortunately, that's not her job. The appointments are so far apart because I've been "handling my medications very well" and only need slight adjustments from time to time. I believe it was actually the last time I went to see her that I told her about the rape, so there hasn't been much opportunity to explore the issues about it. She tried to ask me questions that I knew she would ask me and I thought I could handle them, but I just completely shut down. Initially, the anxiety and depression are the reasons I started going to her. I was also seeing a therapist at the time, but I didn't click with her, I didn't like how she would poke around, so I stopped going to her. Pretty much, my psychiatrist thinks I'm fine besides the anxiety. The other aspects of my life that she knows about, such as family problems, school problems (when I was in school), etc., she has been led to believe that I've handled everything fine and she has no reason for concern. 

I know how it seems in reality, and then I know how it seems in my reality. So that's a tricky one. I know that if this behavior was coming from Drew, it would be considered painful and abusive. But I always have little excuses for Ben doing it. "Maybe since he's not human, he doesn't understand how to communicate like one so his intentions come off as aggressive; much like a child throwing a tantrum." I am a very emotionally intense person, myself. Every emotion I feel is to one extreme of another. I hardly ever have moments of leveled thoughts and feelings. So I think that's mainly where Ben gets it from. I think his intentions are not malevolent in the least, but rather, he does not know how to accomplish what he wants to do, so that intensifies the frustration and the desperation to do what he wants. Whether that is to protect me from a mistake, make me alert of my surroundings, or what have you. He and I are also both very intuitive, which is why its so easy for me to trust him and listen to him. 

[malign]

I can think of a couple of suggestions, as if giving advice were really my role, but heck, I'll give them to you and let you decide what they might be worth.

When you see your next therapist (okay, assuming you do), if you feel like they're poking around, you can always tell them to stop.  You have every right to tell your story at your own speed and in your own way.  Still, you can understand that if you're not telling them everything, a good therapist will be able to feel that and might be curious.  In other words, you don't have to tell them, but maybe you could just say you don't want to.  Then if they don't stop, you still have the right to go somewhere else.

The other idea I had was that if you want to tell your psychiatrist but find it hard to do in person, you might consider writing out some of the questions you expect and the answers you would give, ahead of time.  You could let her read it, but take it back if you don't like it being out there in writing.

I guess it comes down to whether you want to tell someone about it, at all.  You came to us for a reason;  maybe some part of you does need to let this out.

[Wayless]

On ‎1‎/‎3‎/‎2018 at 12:32 PM, MDeCa said:

@Small She basically told me that Ben is a REAL spirit person who has never been created by me or anyone. He is someone who has died who has been attached to me by my arc angel. This was because both Ben and I needed to understand the concept of karma and taking responsibility for our actions. They put us together so he could learn he can't make me do his bidding for him and be the one responsible. Also so I could simultaneously learn not to do other peoples bidding and do things for myself. She also touched on the fact that it is dangerous to have him around because he has a sexual attachment to me and if he rapes me or we have intercourse, I could become completely possessed by him. She has advised me to get rid of him. Just typing that is like nails on a chalkboard to me. It makes me angry to hear people say to get rid of Ben. 

I would tend to think the Psychic has done you a terrible disservice.

Ben is a part of you and performs OR TRYS TO PERFORM a function that the rest of you cannot perform or has difficulty performing.

In my opinion, you should think about and try doing for yourself some of the things Ben does or suggests, but in a more reasonable well thought-out manner.

For instance, perhaps you don't standup for yourself as well as you should.   Maybe you could start by speaking-up for yourself more.  You can take Ben's advice, but insist that you take the intent of the advice with necessary alterations for safety and reasonableness.  Feel free to accept Ben's help, but argue for more prudent actions.  Insist that Ben be more patient.  See what he says in response to your criticism.

Ben is part of you, so you don't have to worry about losing him.  He might merge better into you so he becomes a line of thought instead of being so dramatically "a person."  We all have discussions with ourselves and parts of ourselves.  I used to have a terrible internal critic, though I didn't think it was a person.  Finally, I became aware I was repeating unfair criticisms from my mother and so, argued for more reasonable criticism.

Having sex with him could be intense, but how could it be anything but masturbation?   Unless I'm missing something, wouldn't Ben be a considerate lover?  Why would the psychic suggest he wants to rape you?  Seems like the psychic was planting fear in you.  Disreputable thing to do.  Ben, even if too emotional, is trying, I gather, to help.

Ben, might be what the psychiatrist Jung called the animus.  He might be your archetype of what a man should be.  According to Jung women have a "male" animus and men have a female "anima" inside them.   Power works both ways in sex / possession works both ways.

For some reason, probably traumatic life difficulties, your animus perhaps has become more conscious than usual.  Try talking to him like he is part of you.  See if you can insist that he be more reasonable and stop getting you in trouble.  Agree with and try to implement his valid criticisms, but insist he be more careful, considerate and reasonable.

Argue stongly for yourself against Ben if he goes beyond trying to help you toward condemnation or suggesting you hurt yourself.  Insist that he be your friend.  You have a lot of power over him.

You might try instructing Ben on how to help you when you start to have anxiety attacks.  You might point-out to him that upping his criticisms during an anxiety provoking situation makes things worse.  Ask him to help you handle situations instead of criticizing.  Maybe he can help you remember what to do in difficult situations.  If he can't help tell him he needs to be quiet!

It is unfair and an over-reaction if Ben said you were raped because you were a slut.  Perhaps you should be more careful in judging people before being alone with them, but that is just an estimate.  Clever, cunning criminals might fool anyone.

[Wayless]

On ‎1‎/‎21‎/‎2018 at 6:07 PM, malign said:

Well, you know a psychiatrist these days is about meds.  

And it is really a shame, too.

I am gathering the meds are, in effect, almost 100% tranquilizers of various sorts.  Some help people cope, but none get to the root of either the chemical or psychological problems.

[Guest]

On 7/10/2018 at 8:52 AM, lbaker said:

It is unfair and an over-reaction if Ben said you were raped because you were a slut.  Perhaps you should be more careful in judging people before being alone with them, but that is just an estimate.  Clever, cunning criminals might fool anyone.

Interesting that I had a totally different reaction to being raped.  No blaming of myself even though I was reckless.  Total blaming of ALL aggressive men.

[siouxzen]

Hi, I see it's been a year since you last posted and I'm wondering how things are for you now?  If nothing much has changed I thought maybe a conversation with you and Ben [ who I do believe to be part of you, dissociated to make things easier for you] , you could start by thanking him for his help over the years and tell him that he is welcome to stay but on your terms and that there needs to be rules that are followed. You need to have made preparations and have a well thought out set of rules like absolutely no harmful criticism etc, of course Ben will have been in the background as you thought the rules through so he will not be surprised. You also need to make it clear that while you appreciate him, you are taking control and that if his influence does not become completely positive you will seek to end your association with him. You do need to be that strong for the sake of you and your fiancee. You have to decide that while his help is welcome {and I'm sure his presence is a comfort}, that you will not let negativity manifested in Ben or from anywhere have power over you. Tell yourself this daily and practise positive affirmations, train yourself to think more positively towards yourself. You are worth the effort. I wish you well and hope you will reply as I'm very curious to know how you are. Much love to you.