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So I am a female, 21 years old, and I have this imaginary friend. His name is Ben. Ben came to be when I first moved to North Carolina when I was 4 years old and didn't know anybody. He's always looked the same, but has not always acted the same. When I was younger, he was more of a playmate and supporter (even though sometimes I would imagine him spanking or being aggressive with me). I always had social issues (e.g. I would get a panic attack when I said something to someone and they responded with "what?", as in they didn't hear me or understand me. Never able to keep friends.

These days, Ben has been a constant voice in my head, telling me to stab my fiancé, kick the dog, scratch my face, etc. He can be very condescending to me and tell me I'm worthless, I'm a terrible person, I'm a slut, everyone around me wishes I was dead. On the other hand, Ben is extremely protective over me. If my fiancé and I are fighting, Ben wants me to protect myself and hit him first, "don't let him pin you down, attack him first." If someone outside of my head is being rude or mean, he tells me they're wrong, I'm beautiful, I did my best, etc. So he reverts back to the supportive friend he was in the beginning.

There are times where I have gaps in my memory. One time, my fiancé was talking about when his mom took us to Olive Garden, and I had NO memory of it. Ben proceeded to convince me that Drew (fiancé) was confusing me with an old girlfriend, until he got his mother on the phone to calm me down and convince me that it was actually me. There are so many incidents like this where I don't remember conversations, events, even entire days. I feel like Ben might be taking over maybe?

Also, I hear other voices, see other hallucinations, but none are as, I guess "important" as Ben.

This is a very scary situation for me. I have attempted suicide multiple times, stabbed an ex roommate, stabbed my fiancé, hurt my pets, etc. I have also had psychotic outbursts where I tried to bash my head into my driveway, slice my face up (which resulted in my fiancé having to pry the knife from my hands which almost cut off his thumb).

I haven't sought help because honestly, I am very scared to lose Ben. I feel like I am vulnerable without him, and I would be missing a huge part of myself. I don't want to be doped up on drugs and I don't want anybody to take Ben away from me. Ben was there for me when I was raped at 13, and has protected me from a lot of situations.

I don't want to lose him, but I cannot stand to see everyone around me continue to be hurt by me and by Ben. I don't know what this is, I've tried to do my research and it doesn't exactly fall into dissociative identity d/o, or schizophrenia. I need help figuring out what is wrong with me.

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Wow @MDeCa that is a lot to deal with.  

I would encourage you to seek help. It sounds like schizophrenia to me and while I am not a psychiatrist I have read that severe mental illness rarely gets better on it's own.  

I suffer from intrusive negative thoughts and it really worries me at times so I can relate to that extent.  

I wish you well and I wish you healing.  Feel free to vent here if it helps.  

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@MDeCa - I agree that this serious of issues are almost impossible to self treat. You need to go to a professional who can help.

I understand not wanting to lose Ben, especially since he's been a pillar of support for so long but physically hurting yourself and others doesn't just resolve itself. You need to seek professional assistance. Before you or someone you love becomes seriously hurt by these episodes.

Who knows, Ben may not even go away after you get some help. A lot of people have imaginary friends.

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Hi MDeCa. A really difficult situation for you and it seems to be getting worse, it does sound like time to ask for professional help. I've had psychosis and though I'm not saying that's what you have, one thing you can do in the meantime is mentally challenge Ben if he mentions something negative and get into a habit of doing that, assert yourself, after all if a real friend told you do something unacceptable that's what you'd do.

The truth is treatment can involve medication - though there are in some places psychological therapies, they are not very common. Don't let it put you off if you are at risk of hurting yourself/someone else - just make it clear you'd like to try a psychological approach if that is available at the outset.

Best wishes.

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I just want to say how much I appreciate how quickly you guys have replied. Its hard to find support. My parents arent even aware of the situation. My fiance has been so good about it and has obviously put up with so much. But its a constant fear that it will be too much for him. He's tried to convince me to seek help..and now hearing it from more people, I think that I should. Thank you all so much for being so understanding. 

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I know this isn't really the same but sometimes I feel like I'm in a tv show all about me. I find myself thinking up ideas of what people would like to see. 

I hope you get the help you need friend but people on this website have really really helped me before. They are a great group of people 

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I kinda feel that way sometimes. If Ben and I are talking out loud, I feel like my responses to him are what an "audience" would like to hear. Like trying to be politically correct, etc. 

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I have conversations in my head in response to people as if they'd said the thing that they didn't actually say. For instance, I thought the woman at the shop thought I was stealing, which I wasn't, but she didn't say anything, I just thought that she thought that. I paid for my things then played out the scenario when I got home. In my head I'm calmly telling her how offensive it was to assume the worst in me and that she needs to check her attitude. She gets aggressive and threatens to call the police. Which is bananas, because she didn't say shit. Not to mention that she knows me and wouldn't have thought that anyway. Such is strife. 

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