Still no use. Why do things never change?

[Powerhouse8000]

My life seems to just go round in circles.

Whenever I think I'm making progress and my life is improving, a few months later I'm always back to my old ways. I don't really move forward in anything.

I can't keep on going on this way forever. Something has to change, and permanently so. So without further ado, I will get straight to the point and discuss the problems in my life.

I know I've made threads before about my problems, but next year I really am prepared to make big changes. No matter how hard those may be, they should be worth it in the end.

• Money. I have money problems - because I have far too little of it. This year especially, money has been a major problem but I just can't stop spending. I have bills to pay but also have costs of living, food, shopping and also buy stuff online. I have said that I am going to cut out buying stuff online but I always seem to go back to it. I am stopped for the moment, but money is just so tight and it is a constant worry. I always struggle to make ends meet. I am planning to be more sensible with my money starting in January, just hope that works out and I can get out of the debt that I am currently in, because living in poverty is not pleasant.
• Dieting and losing weight. For those who do not know, I am a tall 31 year old male with broad shoulders and a large frame. Although I am not hugely fat, I do nonetheless struggle with my weight and being overweight has been a problem that I have had for years. What usually seems to happen, and has happened twice so far in 2017, is this: I will try to eat a healthy diet for about 4 months, then give up, and eat an unhealthy diet for about 2 months, then panic and realize I need to start eating better again when I start feeling fat, and then the whole process begins again. The same thing happened last year as well. Why do I never ever seem to make progress on this issue long term? I am planning to go on a diet again in January - I just hope it works out for the long term and doesn't fuck up like it did every other time.
• Going to the gym and taking exercise. Although I do get a moderate amount of physical exercise from my work, I feel I could do more. I am planning to join a gym in January, but will I have the motivation to go regularly and improve my health? I just hope so.
• My physical health in general. Aside from being overweight, I am also a former smoker and was also a heavy drinker in my early 20s. I've been told multiple times that everything is fine by my doctor, but it's something that I am concerned about from time to time.
• Fear of missing out and getting older. I am 31, certainly not a kid anymore. There's always this feeling that your life is slipping away, that you could be doing something so much better, that you might look back and regret what you are doing now. I certainly look back to what I was doing 10 years ago and regret that - although I was in a particularly bad place back then to be fair.
• Lack of friends and social life. Outside my work and my extended family and their friends, I don't have huge numbers of friends or a great social life. I do know people, sure - but still don't have much of a great social life. It's a vicious circle, because since I was an alcoholic I can't drink alcohol, which means that pubs and bars don't have much appeal for me, and that is the main way that heterosexual men socialize with each other, at least in the culture I come from. I do occasionally go to pubs nonetheless though.
• Dating. I was in a relationship with a girl for a year that ended in August. I chose to end the relationship. We got on really well, but I ended the relationship because I was not attracted to her. I was never attracted to her actually, just was with her more for the companionship because I got on well with her. Anyway, since then there have been a number of failed attempts by me to try to start things with other women that I have been talking to, but nothing has actually worked out. I've been on a few dates since, and that's been it. I have been doing online dating for about 5 years and it's quite a depressing process. I've had a lot of meetings with women off the internet that have been like one date only and that's it. I actually miss my ex for the company, but don't miss the physical/sexual side of the relationship at all. I think it's going to be very difficult for me to find another woman who I actually get on with, who I have common interests with, again. She was not your average girl. Your average woman in her late 20s or early 30s is probably thinking about marriage, kids and settling down when looking for a serious relationship. In all honesty, I don't think I could ever be ready for that. I have far too many complexes, I have trust issues, paranoia ... I have never actually lived with a woman before in a relationship and I have doubts that that would go well. Basically, I am getting older yet I don't see myself ever being ready to do all these "adult" things that everyone does like settling down and all that shit, even if I was to find someone suitable for me - as unlikely as that in itself seems at the moment. I tried to be a really good boyfriend to my ex - I took her on car trips, to concerts, weekends away, nights out and even to the filming of a TV show. I really did the best I could, but it seems your average woman these days isn't even interested in being treated well like that.
• Sexual intercourse. As if I don't have enough problems, on the occasions when I do actually get the chance to have sex, I am not actually very good at it. The total number of women I've done sexual things with in my life is 13, and not all of those involved full vaginal intercourse. Basically, I am a tall guy with a large build, and I have a large penis in both length and girth. I see so many threads from people on this forum complaining about how bad life is with a small penis. Now I don't want to belittle them or their problems in any way, but the irony is that many of those guys are married and have kids and even say that they are getting sex regularly and are able to have sex, and their wives are happy with their small penises. In other words, their sexual insecurities stem entirely from themselves and their own thoughts. Now while I "lost my virginity" at age 18, I have always found sex to be very difficult. Particularly, actually getting my penis inside a woman's vagina is very challenging. The first time I tried vaginal sex, I kept putting a condom on and it either slipped off or I kept slipping out. In fact, most times I've tried vaginal sex I haven't even been able to actually get it in the vagina. I tried many, many times with my ex to have successful vaginal sex but it just wasn't working. She was short and fat, I am tall with long legs, and our body shapes just weren't compatible. Not only that, but when I did eventually actually get it in her, she just started bleeding all the time. Every woman I've ever had sex with has told me that I have a massive cock. But I have never actually successfully had vaginal sex for more than about half a minute at a time without slipping out. I didn't even find it enjoyable. I found it a struggle to stay in the vagina, and I found it a struggle to keep the condom on. So in a very real sense, I don't even know what sex is because every time I try to do it, I can't do it properly for reasons I've already explained. And while I do enjoy receiving oral sex, I still can't orgasm from it. The only thing I have ever had an orgasm from in my entire life is masturbation. And now, last but not least...
• Self-hatred. This is an issue that I have struggled with more as I have gotten older, strangely enough. It is possibly more common to see self-hatred as a teenage issue, but for me it's something that has gotten worse and worse throughout my 20s and even into my 30s has persisted. To give you some context, I am a 31 year old male from Scotland. I am tall with broad shoulders and a deep voice and a muscular build but I am also overweight. I have a larger than average penis. I possibly have a mild form of autism/Asperger syndrome, but the jury's out on that one - I may also have dyspraxia as well. When I was younger I was heavily bullied particularly in my school days. I got into lots of fights, but nonetheless I ended up getting headbutted, punched in the face, punched in the abdomen, broke my wrist, got laughed at, got called names, had shaving foam put in my eyes one time, and generally during those times my life was just made hell. I've been called everything during my time, both then and since. I've been called highly intelligent, yet I've been called stupid as well. I've been called a big burly masculine brute, and I've been called gay and a sissy. I've been called tall and lanky, and I've also been called a fat guy. Everything seems to contradict itself. When I left school at 17, the bullying stopped and only really resumed when I started my current job at age 27 - where incidentally I got headbutted again for the first time since school - and then for the past year or so I've been moved to a different place so it's a bit nicer there so since age 30, it hasn't been as bad. Between ages 20 and 25 in particular, I struggled with heavy drinking but managed to overcome that - although I felt I half wrecked my life in the process. My mother also died of cancer, I dropped out of university twice, and I spent significant periods of time unemployed and lost a lot of friends. My early 20s were a very rough time for me. Since age 25 or so, I've been doing my best to try to rebuild things. But I feel like a damaged person in many ways. The average guy of my age has had an easier life that I have had. I have had it bad. Some people just naturally seem to have it good and everything flows well, but for me it's been problem after problem after problem. But no matter how low I feel, I persevere. I must be a really mentally strong person to be able to cope with all the shit that life has thrown at me, and still come out at the end of it going strong. Other, more mentally weak people than myself, would have committed suicide long ago given everything I've been through. Suicide has been something I've never actually tried, and I never will because the way I see it, you'll die one day anyway so why rush things? But anyway, yes. The price of everything that I've been through, is self hatred. I hate myself. Who would honestly want to be me? I am tall, 30-something, overweight and muscular, not bad looking, white heterosexual male with a larger than average penis. Why would you want to be that? Why would any woman want that? Which brings me on to the second part of this last point I'm trying to make because I'm going to have to split this paragraph up as it's getting too long.
• Sex, as in being male. I hate being a white heterosexual adult man and the expectations that come with that, as well as the predicament that I find myself in. Now I don't exactly even know totally what I want to be, but please just listen to what I honestly have to say because I'm telling nothing but the truth here. I don't want to be gay. I don't want to be transsexual - which in true biological terms is an oxymoron anyway in my honest opinion. I've already been a child. In the future I'll be dead and so will you and everyone else. Being a woman might be nicer than being a man in some ways, but it's not something that I'm ever going to be. That being said, I am not afraid to learn lessons from the feminine way of doing things from time to time. I am not in any way gay or camp, in fact I am too much the opposite, but I honestly think that sometimes rejecting masculinity can be a really positive thing. But then in other ways, masculinity is vital. It's hard. It depends on the context and you should form your own opinions about the choices you make in life. I don't give a shit if others don't like me or the way I do things. I am just me. But I also hate myself as well. What the fuck is wrong with me anyway? I've got family members that have suffered from depression, and I get depressed regularly, but I've never been on any kind of medication for it. Nor do I know what the effects of it might be. But anyway, as I was saying, the main issues that get to me are this: there is this "idea" that adult heterosexual men are obsessed with sex, and that women derive their power from being able to exploit men for it, whether economically or to gain social status or whatever. Maybe that was a clumsy way of explaining what I was trying to get at, but basically I hate how in being an adult male there is this presumption of non-innocence. All adult men have at least the potential to be paedophiles and rapists, or at the very least to sexually harass women. Men are expected to be stoical, yet women can basically do what they want. And at the same time, there seems to be this huge imbalance in sexuality, whether biologically derived or not - that is, women using their sexuality to obtain social power over men, whether in economic, evolutionary or social terms. Women can make money from their sexuality whereas most men can't. Women can have sex whenever they want, whereas most men can't. Women can gain power and influence through pairing with someone who has it, whereas most men can't. Yet, still we talk about equality. Equality under the law and equality of opportunity might be a real thing and that's all fair and well, but biological equality does not exist. Women's sexuality alone gives them huge power and influence that men do not have. What do men have? What can men actually even do when women have their all powerful sexuality? That is the tyranny of being a heterosexual male. Most women seem to absolutely love sex and sexuality at least as far as I can discern, but they are also not afraid of using it as a weapon against men, to further goals of obtaining social, economic or evolutionary power. And I honestly find some of the behaviour of male homosexuals and transsexuals to be extremely unpleasant, so please don't even go there. We're getting towards a very long paragraph again, so I will split it once more, but I promise this will be the final one.
• Race. Just when you thought I'd covered it all, there's still this dark horse of a subject lurking in the background. Now to some people, race is not an issue at all. Indeed, to many people, it is only racism, rather than race, that is a problem. I would also like to state that I actually like people of all ethnic backgrounds and cultures. That's all fair and well, but we shouldn't be in denial about the position we are in either simply because it happens to be an inconvenient truth. The fact of the matter is this: the white European branch of the human race is in terminal demographic decline, to the point where it will end in total genetic extinction. Now to some people this doesn't matter, and to others this is a good thing. Much of that will depend on your political outlook. The way I see it is like this - race, family and kin are all ultimately equivalent as they all represent different degrees of genetic relatedness. Logically, it is possible therefore to conclude that anti-racism is equivalent to genetic suicide. This, however, may be a sensible choice for a woman to make if she is a member of a weak group. To betray her own tribe and to join another may make the most evolutionary sense if she senses weakness amongst her own people. Quite simply put, there is no evolutionary precedent for the multiracial society we have today and in the past, the usual way that different ethnic groups came into contact with one another was through war and conquest, but now, all ethnic groups in Western countries are expected to live side by side. The mass settlement of the West by non-white peoples quite simply makes being a white adult heterosexual man a worthless existence. I often rage at the fact that I was even born because of the fact of being white. I hate myself so much for being white. Who the fuck would want to be a white male? White women that are attracted to white men have an evolutionarily atavistic preference, one that is not in accordance with what is known as mismatch theory in evolutionary psychology. For a white woman to choose a white man as a partner, is to choose weakness. The internet is full of this stupid "interracial cuckold" porn where white men are portrayed as cuckolds and white women are portrayed as whores who love "big black cock" - and that is a mirror of all white Western societies today, both on a literal and a metaphorical level. The current cultural, social and political climate in the West today is so far to the left that any kind of pride in being white is instantly shot down as racism, whereas the opposite is true for non-white minorities. Here's what is inevitably true if you are a white heterosexual man: you are going to die, you have no right to get sex when you want it, and your race is going to become extinct. All of these things are totally true, and there's nothing you are able to do about them either. Political correctness is actually worse in the UK and Europe than it is in North America. It is becoming like a kind of fascism in its own right.

I would appreciate if people here would give me straight up advice - no bullshit, no namby-pamby/airy-fairy nonsense, just helpful direct advice - as long as you don't be a cunt about it or talk down to me or anything because nothing pisses me off more than being spoken down to.

If you want to get some more background info about who I am, try reading this thread in particular:

Thank you for reading and for your help if you choose to respond. It is much appreciated.

[YOTH]

The rules are the same. I had to find Mrs right, so do you. I know you're having trouble dating etc, but you just have to keep the faith and keep at it. The sex you can work on, it doesn't always come easy and naturally, and often when it does, that's all that comes naturally and the actual relationship part doesn't exist because it wasn't nurtured. But I will say that the whole small men with families etc getting regular sex isn't where the problems arise a lot of the times. It's how we look and how we're treated because of how we look. It's no walk in the park, believe me. But we're all suffering on psycho planet, nobody gets out unscathed, we're in it together. Just be kind to yourself when you come off your exercise regime/diet etc, that's just the way she goes, motivation is fleeting for most people. Good luck with all, mate. You'll be alright, have faith and everything you want is just around the corner. ☮

[Powerhouse8000]

Thanks for that, David Bowie.

I am feeling really depressed tonight. And honestly missing my ex. I don't think people here really appreciate or understand that I did genuinely love my ex, and that I'm not fully over her. Yet I chose to break up with her as well and couldn't stay there any longer. Why did I do this? Well, it's complicated. The most simple way of explaining it is that while I really did enjoy her company and I loved her for who she was, I did not actually fancy her in the sexual sense. I cared for her, I enjoyed her company, I loved her. But I did not fancy her, I did not want to have sex with her. So what you have is a complex, complicated mix of conflicting emotions. I am thinking about texting her sometime, just to apologize and explain. But it's so hard to break the ice out of the blue like that when it's unexpected and you don't know how she's going to react. I don't want to get back with her, but I wish we could have just been friends or something.

I do wonder whether my sexual side and the emotional/romantic side are completely incompatible. I don't honestly know how I could love someone and want to have sex with them. If I find someone sexually attractive I associate it with a "cheap arousal" but love is a completely different thing. Sex is something I associate with whores and prostitutes and porn and strippers and fetishes, but love is something I associate with quality time spent together, trips away, weekends, going and doing fun things, nights out, going out for a meal, having a cosy night in ... you understand. I really miss some of the quality time I spent with my ex, and miss her as a person. Yet there was no sexual attraction there whatsoever. Nothing at all.

I don't think I'll ever find a woman that I'm compatible with, ever again. My personality is too eccentric for most women to be able to cope with, and my interests too unusual.

When you say about your penis size being an issue because of the way people treat you because of how you look - how would anyone even know what your penis size was anyway, unless it was someone you were having sex with, or it was in the changing rooms of say a gym or swimming pool?

[YOTH]

Most people who deal with this live where they grew up, so this is an ongoing thing. And people know because it's only a matter of time before men test the waters and find your insecurities. A lot of guys with SPS don't like pissing in urinals, swimming or any of the other things you mentioned. People pick up on it. It only takes one guy to spread a stupid rumour and then that's pretty much that. We all have our problems it seems that they meet us where we are. Just one of those things we have to deal with I guess. It's sifting through the mud with women, we're always looking for that fleck of gold in the mountain of crap. But we've just gotta keep at it and not give up the search. It sounds tricky not being able to have relationship sex without connecting it to porn etc, dunno how to work around that. 

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

On 12/8/2017 at 2:50 PM, Powerhouse8000 said:

I really miss some of the quality time I spent with my ex, and miss her as a person. Yet there was no sexual attraction there whatsoever. Nothing at all.

Yeah I totally feel you man. The one girl (since my childhood girlfriend) who actually loved me, like truly loved me, and would be willing to be with me for the long term happened to be morbidly obese. She is 5' 0" and weighed 300 pounds when I first met her through a mutual friend. Right before we had our falling out, she told me she weighed in at 350. Because she is also short, how I explain her looks to other people is that she is the human equivalent of a marshmallow. Now in no ways am I perfect when it comes to weight. I myself am 20 or so pounds overweight (down from 40 because I actually started to get off my ass this last summer) but I don't think I could ever be attracted to a girl that weighs more than me let alone a girl that weighs more than 99.9% of the population. But it sucks. I remember when we were hanging out the most and her crush on me was at its' peak, I was trying to get in a relationship with this girl I met on OKCupid. However, that girl ended up "ghosting" me. Anyways, I remember one night when the marshmallow girl was spending the night at my house (in the guest room of course, although she always used to beg me to lie down next to her. You can't imagine how starved a 350 pound female is of physical attention. I empathize with her because I am also starved of attention because of my own issues and having to turn down sex because of my SPS). Anyways, she was asleep and I was very depressed about this OKC girl ghosting me, so I went on a walk in the rain. I remember thinking to myself (and even saying out loud to myself) "damnit T.J., you have a girl who loves you and accepts you for who you are and she is in the guestroom in your house right now. But yet you continue to let these girls online hurt you and you continue to be alone." Basically the TL;DR is: It sucks when you find someone who you genuinely love and care about and would totally be in a relationship with but that someone is not only unattractive but physically repulsive. So in your case, is it because this girl is also overweight? Or is it something else?

[Powerhouse8000]

That sounds exactly like what's happened with me this year. The only difference between me and you is that I don't have the small penis issues. The rest is the exact same - being in a relationship with a fat woman you don't find attractive, and trying to get out of it by finding other women online, and then breaking up with the fat girl, and finding that the other women online offer nothing, so you find yourself on your own again and you have lost the only woman who has ever truly loved you (outside your family of course), even if you never fancied her.

And yes, I just cannot find a woman who is extremely fat attractive. It's just not healthy, it's not sexy, it's not a turn on at all.

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

On 12/21/2017 at 2:20 PM, Powerhouse8000 said:

And yes, I just cannot find a woman who is extremely fat attractive. It's just not healthy, it's not sexy, it's not a turn on at all.

I can't even find a girl that is fatter than me (which isn't even close to "extremely" fat) attractive because I hate that I am 20 pounds overweight. And for girls the weight issue is only more serious so if they are fatter than me that basically tells me they don't care and that as we grow older together, they will likely just get fatter and fatter.

[Powerhouse8000]

The weird thing is that when I was in my teens and early 20s I used to look at a lot of BBW porn online, whereas now I prefer more normal size women.

I do still like curvy women (up to size 16-18 is fine) but women who are very fat are definitely a turn off. Been there, done that. It's just not pleasant to share a bed with a woman who weighs over 250 lbs.