Advice: Stay or Walk Away?

[BellaMeilan]

Hi SPS Community:

I am a woman. I’ve visited this site numerous times as I have the desire to understand SPS and its effect on men. I’ve been hesitant to join and post because I am generally a very private person. I understand that this site has mostly men and possibly a few women. I would love to get mature advice from both men and women. 

I am in love with a wonderful man. I don’t want to diagnose him with SPS, but it is common knowledge to him that his penis is small. He always references his “little man” or “little wee wee.” I don’t want him to put himself down. But, I guess it’s his way of accepting himself. 

We had “the talk” at the beginning of our dating. I will admit, it was awkward and unexpected, as I was caught off guard. To his credit, I would assume based on experience, he wanted to have the “talk” before we got too deep into the relationship. He made reference to the fact that he would have to satisfy me good so that I would come back. This statement lead me to believe that he has experienced women leaving him in the past, either from the admission that his penis is small or the experience. He has confided in me that other women didn’t enjoy sex and essentially just laid there. 

We have built a relationship based on a solid foundation. We have NOT had sexual (nor oral) intercourse yet. I’ve told him that his penis size does not matter to me. He’s expressed to me that I am “the one”

Throughout our relationship, I’ve realized that this is a significant issue for him. I just don’t understand why he continues to make it an issue. I’ve wholeheartedly stated that his size does not matter. He is really sensitive about everything, non penis related. It seems that his feelings get hurt easily. He just emotionally shuts down. I think he is insecure and very needy. Even when we disagree, I have never used his size against him. He has had a difficult childhood, but he needs to face that and heal. I am willing to support him through it.

What I am seeking is real life experience, NOT scientific or research as there is plenty of that on the Internet. 

I really want to be with him. I know he wants to be with me. But, the emotional shut downs are becoming too much. It makes me feel ignored and not important. We have a strong bond. I am a successful person with plenty of dating options and high self esteem. We can’t help who we fall in love with, but I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. This has become emotionally draining. 

Thank you in advance!

[BellaMeilan]

Thank you @BarryUK and @lostboy1. I saw your replies. I am thinking this is more of an issue than I imagined. I really want to stick it out.

[Small]

@BellaMeilan

Hi

I might be completely wrong here, but I do get the impression that your partner desires...some level of erotic humiliation from you. Like he wants you to take lead of the relationship while making his lack of size an underlying reason for your assumption of control. For him to refer to his penis in the manner you describe makes me think he's privately "comfortable" with it & his emotional shut downs could be because you're not taking control, or even to draw out a particular level of assertion or dominance from you. These are just my thoughts. I could be wrong. But it's the general impression I got from your post.

Best of luck

[LostBoy]

Hello @BellaMeilan, you mention that you haven't had any sexual relations with him yet. Do you mind saying how long you've been together exclusively?

The fact that he openly discussed this issue with you is a good sign. It means he's not ignoring or burying it. The names for his penis are interesting because even though I have humiliating names for mine I would never use them to my wife. This leads me to think that @Small may be on to something in his post but it's hard to say without more information.

Emotional shutdowns is not uncommon for guys with penis size issues. I know I've had my fair share of them. They are normally a product of my SPS even if they are not directly related.

[LostBoy]

Also, if you don't mind. What are your rough ages? 20's, 30's, etc... And has he been married or in any serious relationships?

[IrmaJean]

Welcome, BellaMeilan.

Have you ever read about the different attachment styles? I wonder if possibly you and your boyfriend might cope differently. Possibly he needs to pull back at times and you need more closeness. Have you thought about  couples' therapy and do you think he would be willing to go with you? Also, have you discussed your concerns with him?

Unfortunately, I don't know if I have any useful advice about how to support someone with SPS. I don't have any in person experience with this, but I have read many men's stories here over the years. This can be very deep and painful and can also be all consuming. I would recommend being accepting, open, and honest and loving him.. Hopefully, in time and with healing, he can learn to love and accept himself.

I don't think any of us here can tell you whether to stay or go. Whatever you do decide, I wish you both well.

[BellaMeilan]

@Small, thank you. Can you explain what you mean by “erotic humiliation” I think you may be on to something. Generally, when he emotionally shuts down, I do all that I can to speak to him to get him to open up. I believe in space, but I do let him know I am here for him. It’s a hard issue and I feel alone because I don’t want to talk to my friends or family because this is a private issue. I find myself getting emotionally exhausted from dealing with this. It’s not about his size. But, how can we have a relationship where he doesn’t communicate. I just want him to snap out of this. Sometimes, I think he thrives on the attention that I give him when he emotionally shuts down. I just don’t know. I appreciate your help.

Also, just some background, I’ve never dealt with this before so it’s all new to me.

[BellaMeilan]

@lostboy1 I don’t mind. We have been together for about 7-8 months. The waiting has nothing to do with his size although I think he has some anxiety about pleasing me. We are in our 30s and never been married. Yes, I think he realizes that he is small. We just wanted to build a strong foundation that isn’t based on sex, but I do think he sexually wants me. 

My girlfriends and I have girls night and their consensus is they could never be with a small penised man because they think they would cheat on him. They said they would never “compromise” their sex life. So I feel I don’t have any support. I haven’t discussed this issue with them just based on general conversations. I also don’t want to tell his business to anyone.

[Small]

@BellaMeilan

Generally speaking, some men feel sexually aroused when they feel humiliated by a woman. Depending on the man's nature this can actually be quite covert, & the nature of humiliation need only be in the subtext. I get the feeling that he shuts down to get a response out of you, hoping that you in turn show some level of aggression to him. This will give him a means to feel subordinate to you, which can serve as a source of erotic humiliation.

 

I think he might have felt disappointed by how understanding you were about his sps. He might have hoped to manoeuvre you into the position of being the dominant partner. Is he sensitive? Intuitive? Does he seem to have empathy? Overly caring or understanding?

 

Anyway - It's difficult to say. I picked up on the sorts of names he had used to describe his penis. This jargon is commonplace in "small penis humiliation" circles. Please don't feel alarmed though. It might not be the case either.

[BellaMeilan]

@IrmaJean thank you. We are going to have to talk because I believe in healthy communication and I really can’t deal with the emotional shut downs. It takes too much out of me. 

Interesting that you mention attachment styles. Yes, he is more needy and clingy and I am not that way. I just read an article on this. I think maybe he shuts down to get my attention. I do think it’s a issue for him, his size and everything. It’s just hard. 

[LostBoy]

7 hours ago, BellaMeilan said:

My girlfriends and I have girls night and their consensus is they could never be with a small penised man because they think they would cheat on him. They said they would never “compromise” their sex life.

Ouch.  sounds like your girlfriends are size queens. To defend small penised guys I want to make sure you realize that being small doesn't equal bad sex. My wife has multiple orgasms every time we make love.

 

Anyway, since you guys have been dating for a while and since you're not real young then I would suggest taking the lead in initiating sex unless you have a reason not to. While his shutting down may be disconnected to SPS, you will not know until you get past one or the other.

You may have to be forceful to get him to accept the situation. 

[BellaMeilan]

Yes @lostboy1 they are definitely size queens.  I think there is the stereotype that a woman can’t “feel” a small penised man. I told them it wouldn’t matter to me at all and they said good luck letting someone pump air into you. I would never tell them this as they are just not supportive. 

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

(my first comment, oohhh I'm excited)

If your relationship is as solidly built on communication and openness as you project, I feel like you should just  give him the ol' "we need to talk", sit him down, and calmly tell him everything you have been telling us. For me, I would be relieved if a girl I was into (let alone dating for 7-8 months) was as caring towards my cause as you are towards his. I am surprised you guys have went quite so long without fooling around. As I like to say, oral sex is a SPS man's best friend. Like, why not just start with that and then eventually when he feels more comfortable, graduate (or not) to vaginal sex. What do you think he would do if you guys were kissing (you do kiss, right) and you started to slide down to your knees (or what not) and start to take off his pants? I feel like how you answer that question would tell me a lot.

[BellaMeilan]

23 minutes ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

(my first comment, oohhh I'm excited)

If your relationship is as solidly built on communication and openness as you project, I feel like you should just  give him the ol' "we need to talk", sit him down, and calmly tell him everything you have been telling us. For me, I would be relieved if a girl I was into (let alone dating for 7-8 months) was as caring towards my cause as you are towards his. I am surprised you guys have went quite so long without fooling around. As I like to say, oral sex is a SPS man's best friend. Like, why not just start with that and then eventually when he feels more comfortable, graduate (or not) to vaginal sex. What do you think he would do if you guys were kissing (you do kiss, right) and you started to slide down to your knees (or what not) and start to take off his pants? I feel like how you answer that question would tell me a lot.

Hi @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero We wanted to base our relationship on a solid foundation which was without the sex first. I think he is worrying about being able to please me which he’s expressed in the very beginning. He’s also had past partners to not enjoy sex with him. I feel that if he feels I am completely in love with him, even if the sex is terrible that it wouldn’t matter. It honestly wouldn’t matter to me. I love him for him. He’s told me I am the one. 

As far as sex, we have had moments where it is difficult. Yes, we’ve kissed and touched each other. It’s important to us to have that solid foundation that we have. I think he is very comfortable with me so I don’t think he would resist. 

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

If I were you, Bella, I would make sure he knows that his size or ability to please you in the bedroom doesn't matter to you and that you love him and will always love him for who he is. Oral sex is a SPS-man's best friend, (most of all because giving it doesn't require use of the penis). So I'm just going to play out the dream scenario for what would happen if I got a girlfriend and things were going really well and perhaps it's the third or fourth date: She would probably already know about my insecurities, (much like you know about his), and I would probably bring it up again subtly as things got hotter (in the middle of making out or what not) but she would say something like "Good thing there's oral sex. I want to please you baby, do you want to please me?" and then I would be like so incredibly turned on and excited and relieved at the same time, and I would say something like "oh my God yes" and try not to cum instantly. And then, for you, as soon as he says yes you just slide down to the fellatio-giving-position while reassuring him that everything is okay and that you love him and that you just want to please him. But reading this back over, I do think that line: "I want to please you baby, do you want to please me?" - I feel like if you drop that line in the heat of making out or whenever you are closest to going all the way, I feel like he would say yes. Do you think so too?

[BellaMeilan]

Yes @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero at this point, we have our solid foundation, so it wouldn’t matter. Although it never has. He’s ask me do I like penetration or stimulation and I said both. I think he’s worried about the penetration part. Do you think me saying I accept him without the sex is merely words and he needs to see the action to know that I won’t leave him. Many guys find me attractive and he has some insecurities surrounding his looks.

[YOTH]

The problem with sex is that it feels very all or nothing for a lot of guys. If you treat it like something fun without any strings or ramifications it's a lot more enjoyable. Sex is supposed to be a journey and it's fun trying new things, playing with new toys etc. Some men are more comfortable working with toys but a lot of guys see toys as a challenger to compete with. Sex was a really big issue for me, I'd get inside my own head and really break my own balls if things didn't go well. It was a vicious cycle and I became frustrated and upset for days afterwards. I'm glad those days are behind me. Now I just enjoy it and our whole world has opened up, we're closer than ever and the fact I don't make sex important seems to be what makes it so great. I'm not complaining about my size, I've always been more of a flaccid neurotic but I think it's quite common for it to feel like an all or nothing deal or that we're only as good as our last performance. There was a time where if I put on a good show I'd be reluctant to have sex again incase I fucked up. That mindset feels like a lifetime ago, I wouldn't take it back for a big clock. 

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

2 hours ago, BellaMeilan said:

Yes @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero at this point, we have our solid foundation, so it wouldn’t matter. Although it never has. He’s ask me do I like penetration or stimulation and I said both. I think he’s worried about the penetration part. Do you think me saying I accept him without the sex is merely words and he needs to see the action to know that I won’t leave him. Many guys find me attractive and he has some insecurities surrounding his looks.

Well if he does ask you that question again (penetration or stimulation) just make sure that you say stimulation. Make sure you emphasize to him that you love oral and would love for him to go down on you. Just a little bit ago when I was trying (and failing) to take a nap, I thought of something important to tell you (and this goes for all girls dating SPS guys) and that is to make sure that when you do start doing sex things to his dick to make sure you compliment it in any way except it's size. There's an amateur porn video online where the girl goes "such a gorgeous cock" and she wasn't just saying that, she meant it. Just because a dick is small doesn't mean it can't be aesthetically pleasing. I actually think mine is (especially since it looked almost identical to the guy in the video's). There was a guy on here whose wife said "I love your dick" and he said that he almost cried and that it had a profound effect on him. Just make sure to not say "such a big cock" or anything about the size because that would have an opposite effect of what you want to achieve.

[BellaMeilan]

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero Great advice. I actually like both but should I really lie and say one over the other???

[Victimorthecrime]

@BellaMeilan - personally I believe that any problem early on in a relationship is a huge red flag.  I know this is not a popular view but my reasoning is that if there are problems early on when the two people involved are young and vital and carefree and in the honeymoon phase then logically there will only be more problems as the years go by and age, health, financial, emotional troubles arise. The worst saying ever is "time heals all wounds".  I believe the opposite to be true. 

Full disclosure: I am an odd person who has led an odd life and has odd views on most things so take that into consideration as you weigh my statements.  I only mean to give you food for thought.  Good luck to you.  

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

Yeah I think so, actually. Just consider it a white lie for the sake of his confidence (you'll be making a lot of those I'm afraid). Another thing I would consider is to ask him what happened exactly with those ex girlfriend(s). And then reassure him that whatever happened with them wouldn't happen with you. But no matter what, at some point you're going to have to do more than talk. On the other SPS girlfriend's post that is active right now, there was a guy that was saying that she basically is going to have to rape him. (Obviously he isn't promoting rape, just sexual aggression lol) But I liked what he told her to do which was to go primal and put pressure on his body and not let him get away. I would save that for later after you've exhausted all other options. I would suggest talking to him, telling him your concerns, and then emphasizing that you want to please him and be pleased by him, and then start to go down on him. When you do get that nice little dick in your mouth, go slow (us small guys are sensitive) and make sure you tell him how you had been waiting to do this for a longtime and how he has a wonderful looking dick and that you don't know what his concern is. You could even throw another white lie in the mix too by saying you have seen smaller or been with a smaller guy (but only if his dick isn't like micro size, which it may be, and if that's the case, just reassure him everything will be okay. Use that GOT quote: "I am yours and you are mine." and then "Nothing is going to drive me from you." You got this, girlie!

[Small]

@Victimorthecrime

You are not odd at all. You're wise & practical. Chin up buddy.

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

6 minutes ago, Victimorthecrime said:

@BellaMeilan - personally I believe that any problem early on in a relationship is a huge red flag.  I know this is not a popular view but my reasoning is that if there are problems early on when the two people involved are young and vital and carefree and in the honeymoon phase then logically there will only be more problems as the years go by and age, health, financial, emotional troubles arise. The worst saying ever is "time heals all wounds".  I believe the opposite to be true. 

Full disclosure: I am an odd person who has led an odd life and has odd views on most things so take that into consideration as you weigh my statements.  I only mean to give you food for thought.  Good luck to you.  

You might certainly be right about that. However, these problems they are having are strictly related to his SPS issues and thus don't apply. If he had a normal size or bigger dick, and they were having these problems, that would be different. I mean, what you said hits close to heart for me because I know that I will have intimacy issues with whoever I do fall for. And as girls on this forum have shown, they don't really know how to get guys like me to feel comfortable. That doesn't mean whoever I do get in a relationship with, that our relationship is doomed. It's MY issue, not our issue, you know? So I don't think it's fair to apply that logic to this particular case, Bella's case.

[Victimorthecrime]

On 12/17/2017 at 8:23 AM, BellaMeilan said:

 

Throughout our relationship, I’ve realized that this is a significant issue for him. I just don’t understand why he continues to make it an issue. I’ve wholeheartedly stated that his size does not matter. He is really sensitive about everything, non penis related. It seems that his feelings get hurt easily. He just emotionally shuts down. I think he is insecure and very needy

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero - these are the OP's words, not mine. This does not sound like a problem for the relationship? 

 

 

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

I mean, possibly? I would have to know more details about what exactly he is sensitive over, and also one girl's definition of "emotionally shutting down" is another girl's definition of openness, I truly feel that if he didn't have SPS he probably wouldn't be so sensitive and insecure. I know for sure I wouldn't. SPS guys ARE needy, it's a reality. We need girls to reassure us constantly (at least for the honeymoon phase) that we aren't freaks of nature that are worthless because we can't fully stuff a vag.