Advice: Stay or Walk Away?

[Victimorthecrime]

6 minutes ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

SPS guys ARE needy, it's a reality.

Exactly. We agree. My only point is that if she is going to be his "one" (her words) then she would perhaps be well served to decide if she is prepared for potentially a life time of accommodating what you wrote above, his neediness.  

[Small]

@Victimorthecrime

Told ya you were wise!

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

That is a very good question. I feel like she is willing to accommodate that though based on what she has been saying, but it might be fair to ask her again right now: So Bella, you would be okay accommodating his needs and insecurities for the long haul?. But it brings up one of my fears and that is, I always think of a girl not wanting to commit to me because of the physical limitations of my size and how it affects sex, but I never think about the mental side of it. Like, she might be fine with trying different positions and doing more toys/oral, but is she fine with me always being down about it and having such low confidence regarding my body? I don't know...

But it is refreshing to be a new member to this site and see two girls already who are being such champs, such great girlfriends about all of this stuff. These guys need to realize that these girls are by far the best they are going to get and to stop worrying about their size and to start putting their dicks in places!! Like, I can understand not wanting to fuck vaginally, but how hard is it to lie on your back, breath deeply and slowly, and let a girl do nice things with her mouth on you? That's why I have been telling this girl she needs to just go down on him already. I think that will help a lot (or at least get a good start) on remedying their problem.

[IrmaJean]

A specific attachment style can cause a person to respond and cope to many different life situations in a similar manner. So is it that the SPS makes him needy or is that how he responds to inner distress? Maybe some of both?

Someone who attaches with an avoidant style, for instance, may pull away and withdraw emotionally in order to cope. Clingy/neediness has at times been a struggle of mine and can be a reflection of an anxious/preoccupied style. A partner who gets close and then pulls away could have a fearful/avoidant style. Sometimes when we get close to someone, the vulnerability can bring out insecurities and fears. I think it's possible that if partners are able to work with this together openly and with acceptance and hard work, they can become even closer. But I think that it's up to the two people involved to decide if they want to stay in the relationship or if the differences create too much dysfunction.

I wish you both well, Bellameilan.

[BellaMeilan]

3 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

@BellaMeilan - personally I believe that any problem early on in a relationship is a huge red flag.  I know this is not a popular view but my reasoning is that if there are problems early on when the two people involved are young and vital and carefree and in the honeymoon phase then logically there will only be more problems as the years go by and age, health, financial, emotional troubles arise. The worst saying ever is "time heals all wounds".  I believe the opposite to be true. 

Full disclosure: I am an odd person who has led an odd life and has odd views on most things so take that into consideration as you weigh my statements.  I only mean to give you food for thought.  Good luck to you.  

@Victimorthecrime I would tend to agree with you in normal circumstances, but these issues are related to SPS and him feeling inadequate. In addition to this, he is insecure about other things. We have all had struggles in life so I don’t think it’s right to give up on someone just because they struggle with something. I don’t think that is the definition of unconditional love. 

[BellaMeilan]

3 hours ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

You might certainly be right about that. However, these problems they are having are strictly related to his SPS issues and thus don't apply. If he had a normal size or bigger dick, and they were having these problems, that would be different. I mean, what you said hits close to heart for me because I know that I will have intimacy issues with whoever I do fall for. And as girls on this forum have shown, they don't really know how to get guys like me to feel comfortable. That doesn't mean whoever I do get in a relationship with, that our relationship is doomed. It's MY issue, not our issue, you know? So I don't think it's fair to apply that logic to this particular case, Bella's case.

Agreed @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero The issues that we are having are strictly related to SPS.  He feels inadequate. Of course, his experiences in the past makes him insecure. He’s been cheated on and ridiculed in the past. Normally, without the SPS issue, I would have considered it a red flag and left. But, I feel this case is different.

[BellaMeilan]

3 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero - these are the OP's words, not mine. This does not sound like a problem for the relationship? 

 

 

He’s insecure due to his penis size so when I say he is sensitive to other things non penis related, I just mean that I have to be delicate with any criticism that I have because he’s very sensitive and needy.

[BellaMeilan]

3 hours ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

I mean, possibly? I would have to know more details about what exactly he is sensitive over, and also one girl's definition of "emotionally shutting down" is another girl's definition of openness, I truly feel that if he didn't have SPS he probably wouldn't be so sensitive and insecure. I know for sure I wouldn't. SPS guys ARE needy, it's a reality. We need girls to reassure us constantly (at least for the honeymoon phase) that we aren't freaks of nature that are worthless because we can't fully stuff a vag.

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero Agreed. I think you have a good handle on this situation. You wouldn’t happen to be my BF would you. LOL. Kidding! But you’ve successfully tapped into the issues that he is having with this. 

[BellaMeilan]

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero You said this in the other thread, “Man, if I could find a girl that would take me for who I am and was loving, understanding, and communicative, I would think to myself "my God, I won the lottery. I found her!" and I would make sure to do ANYTHING in my power to keep her.”

I am just curious as to what lengths would you go through to keep her. 

 

[BellaMeilan]

3 hours ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

That is a very good question. I feel like she is willing to accommodate that though based on what she has been saying, but it might be fair to ask her again right now: So Bella, you would be okay accommodating his needs and insecurities for the long haul?. But it brings up one of my fears and that is, I always think of a girl not wanting to commit to me because of the physical limitations of my size and how it affects sex, but I never think about the mental side of it. Like, she might be fine with trying different positions and doing more toys/oral, but is she fine with me always being down about it and having such low confidence regarding my body? I don't know...

But it is refreshing to be a new member to this site and see two girls already who are being such champs, such great girlfriends about all of this stuff. These guys need to realize that these girls are by far the best they are going to get and to stop worrying about their size and to start putting their dicks in places!! Like, I can understand not wanting to fuck vaginally, but how hard is it to lie on your back, breath deeply and slowly, and let a girl do nice things with her mouth on you? That's why I have been telling this girl she needs to just go down on him already. I think that will help a lot (or at least get a good start) on remedying their problem.

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero I think my situation is quite unique in a way. Not only does he have SPS and insecurity related to that. But, I would consider myself to be very attractive and guys consider me attractive and approach me all of the time, I think this brings out more insecurity because he feels that I could be with someone bigger and/ or leave him.

Yes, I understand that he has insecurities that I am willing to accommodate for the long haul. I realize that his feelings of indequacy won’t disappear overnight. I think as our relationship progresses more, slowly those insecurities will decrease, atleast I hope so.

To answer your question specifically, @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero women want a confident man and while I am willing to work with him and realize he may always have insecurities that I am willing to accommodate, it comes a time when some of you need to just “man up” realize that you have a good person in your life. Women are not your therapist and I think as long as you guys are willing to work on your issues, we are willing to do the work too.

This is the reason why I advised @InLuvWspsMAN to move on with her life. I think she is an awesome person. But, her situation is slightly different than mine. 

 

[Small]

53 minutes ago, BellaMeilan said:

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero (...) it comes a time when some of you need to just “man up” realize that you have a good person in your life.

Who is this aimed at?

[BellaMeilan]

2 minutes ago, Small said:

Who is this aimed at?

No one in particular, just a figure of speech. I just meant that once a woman makes it clear that your dick size doesn’t matter, the man needs to stop harping on the issue and accept that he has been accepted not continue to make an issue when none exists. 

[Small]

Just now, BellaMeilan said:

No one in particular, just a figure of speech. I just meant that once a woman makes it clear that your dick size doesn’t matter, the man needs to stop harping on the issue and accept that he has been accepted not continue to make an issue when none exists. 

Well, lets say you were as ugly as sin. And your partner said your looks "don't matter". Do you reckon you'd be able to "woman up" and "stop harping on the issue?". I hope things work out with you, but you don't know any of us well enough to be so insensitive. Believe it or not, a man's self esteem issues transcend the opinions of his partner. 

[BellaMeilan]

My apologies @Small if that was an insensitive comment. It was more of a reply to @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero comment about the mental aspects that men feel. My comment was a general comment not specific to the men here. 

As for your comment, I believe looks do matter regardless of what people say especially to most men. I mean there has to be some physical attraction, but to be specific. Yes, I could “woman up” if my man made it clear that he accepts me for me I wouldn’t continue to harp on the issue that ultimately would push him away. I would seek whatever help I need whether therapy or otherwise to help myself navigate the problem.

[BellaMeilan]

I also want to be clear @Small that I don’t think this issue would disappear overnight but maybe it is unrealistic to think that a woman would want to constantly hear about an issue that is not an issue for her. Most of the men say that they want acceptance. There are two women in this forum that have unequivocally stated that size does not matter to them and they love their partners regardless. It would get to the point of emotional exhaustion to constantly have to validate someone’s insecurity. Patience is one thing, but if my man ultimately did not try to get help if that continued to be an issue, I would ultimately have to walk. We all have the responsibility to try to be our best selves, so yes, if I had an insecurity I would try to work on it with the of that partner.

[Small]

@BellaMeilan

Well you've answered your own question: Walk away. Find someone that matches your level of confidence & physical attractiveness. Why would a woman that's self professed as successful & beautiful want someone so mentally damaged? As you alluded to, you're not his therapist. It's been 7/8 months and he still hasn't responded in the way you would like. I'm sure you can bag a man that's far less work, and perhaps he'll get a woman that's willing to settle for his emotional saga.

[BellaMeilan]

1 minute ago, Small said:

@BellaMeilan

Well you've answered your own question: Walk away. Find someone that matches your level of confidence & physical attractiveness. Why would a woman that's self professed as successful & beautiful want someone so mentally damaged? As you alluded to, you're not his therapist. It's been 7/8 months and he still hasn't responded in the way you would like. I'm sure you can bag a man that's far less work, and perhaps he'll get a woman that's willing to settle for his emotional saga.

@Small, I haven’t walked away because I love him and he loves me. I see that he is trying and personally I don’t see walking away as unconditional love. I am not here to defend my relationship. I honestly came here for real life experiences and advice as to what SPS men go through. 

Everyone has issues and problems. We all have insecurities of some sort. But, we have to help ourselves sometimes. I am willing to put in the work, but what I am not willing to do is put in years into a relationship where I am constantly having to provide emotional validation and he is not trying to help himself if that were the case.

[BellaMeilan]

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero Made the comment “ but is she fine with me always being down about it and having such low confidence regarding my body? I don't know...” my response was a direct response to the question that he posed.

For me,  the answer would be No. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is constantly down for years and years and years. I am simply saying why lose a good woman over an insecurity that she embraces. After a while, it would get mentally draining. 

From my reading in this forum, most men would want supportive women in their corner. I am not suggesting that the baggage and insecurity would disappear overnight, but eventually if the problem persisted, I would want him to seek counseling which is the reference to I’m not a therapist because the issue would be bigger than me.

its not fair to judge me because I do not have self esteem issues to say that I should find someone else. I love him and personally I am not that shallow. We can agree to disagree.

[Small]

@BellaMeilan

I'm not judging you. I am going on what you've posted. Why admit your success, confidence & attractiveness if you didn't want to be known by it? And I said to find someone else on account of not having self esteem issues because (as you touched upon in another thread) it's usually easier for an insecure woman to deal with an insecure man. Or a woman with low self esteem. 

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

2 hours ago, BellaMeilan said:

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero Agreed. I think you have a good handle on this situation. You wouldn’t happen to be my BF would you. LOL. Kidding! But you’ve successfully tapped into the issues that he is having with this. 

lol, fuck, I wish. Like I said, you are like one in a million. It's so hard for guys to talk to girls about this and even harder for girls (who aren't informed) to understand the level of utter desperation, humiliation, and emotional pain we live with. So for a girl to already be aware of my issues and accepting of my issues (as you are with your boyfriend), it would be like: "Where's the marriage contract? Can we sign it right now? lol" That's why it's so hard for me to understand guys with SPS treating girls like that other girl that was on here badly (or what is the case with you: not communicating and not putting trust in the girl that she truly does love you for who you are). It's like, I want to shake your boyfriend by the shoulders and say "don't you see how lucky you are man?? Let the girl IN and talk to her!"

[BellaMeilan]

1 minute ago, Small said:

@BellaMeilan

I'm not judging you. I am going on what you've posted. Why admit your success, confidence & attractiveness if you didn't want to be known by it? And I said to find someone else on account of not having self esteem issues because (as you touched upon in another thread) it's usually easier for an insecure woman to deal with an insecure man. Or a woman with low self esteem. 

@Small the only reason that I mentioned that is because those issues spark more insecurities in him. He has a fear that I will leave him because I do get approached a lot. It is not what I want to be known for in this forum. It’s a real life issue that we are facing. I don’t know a lot of SPS but I know that he feels inadequate. Love is unconditional if someone runs at the first sign of trouble it is not unconditional love. When I met him, I didn’t say what is your dick size because if you have a small penis, I can’t love you. We got to know each other were compatible and He was open and honest with me on this issue. We are working on it. God knows I am not perfect myself and I would love for someone to embrace my flaws too. I realize this is a real issue. I have read in this forum where people have been suicidal and I had no idea that SPS causes that degree of pain. I guess the consensus is that women should just be shallow and not accept someone how God made them. There are two women that are not like that out of all the stories that people have had here.

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

2 hours ago, BellaMeilan said:

@PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero You said this in the other thread, “Man, if I could find a girl that would take me for who I am and was loving, understanding, and communicative, I would think to myself "my God, I won the lottery. I found her!" and I would make sure to do ANYTHING in my power to keep her.”

I am just curious as to what lengths would you go through to keep her. 

 

Incredible lengths I guess. I mean, anything in my power. Why, did you have a question/example in mind? I mean I would definitely at the very least not fuck things up with her by not listening to her and blocking her out. And I feel like your boyfriend is on the verge of doing just that.

[PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero]

50 minutes ago, BellaMeilan said:

No one in particular, just a figure of speech. I just meant that once a woman makes it clear that your dick size doesn’t matter, the man needs to stop harping on the issue and accept that he has been accepted not continue to make an issue when none exists. 

I actually agree with what she is saying here, and I think you took it a little personally Small. She has obviously been understanding and patient. I mean, dude, they are going on 8 months right now! She has stood by this guy for 8 months without any sexual attention paid to her. Are you kidding? She is only asking the logical question of "how long can I continue to let him be consumed by this one issue." Yes, I am SPS, and yes, I realize that the problem affects me everyday, but I would never let it get in the way of a girl trying to love me! Now, if she had just met this guy and was talking about "time to man up", that I could understand. But she has been SO PATIENT. A saint!

[Small]

@BellaMeilan

Well that settles it. Do what you feel is right for you. The only reason I engaged you again was because of your "man up" comment. As a small penised man on an SPS platform, i wouldn't let the pope himself speak to my colleagues that way. I believe that ends our correspondence. My best wishes to you. 

[BellaMeilan]

9 minutes ago, PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero said:

lol, fuck, I wish. Like I said, you are like one in a million. It's so hard for guys to talk to girls about this and even harder for girls (who aren't informed) to understand the level of utter desperation, humiliation, and emotional pain we live with. So for a girl to already be aware of my issues and accepting of my issues (as you are with your boyfriend), it would be like: "Where's the marriage contract? Can we sign it right now? lol" That's why it's so hard for me to understand guys with SPS treating girls like that other girl that was on here badly (or what is the case with you: not communicating and not putting trust in the girl that she truly does love you for who you are). It's like, I want to shake your boyfriend by the shoulders and say "don't you see how lucky you are man?? Let the girl IN and talk to her!"

LOL! @PDXsUnHungAndUnsungHero I think any woman that you find would be so lucky to have you. I asked if you were my BF because you seem to understand what he is feeling and convey it perfectly. Like you said, I understand what he is going through. I do. I am sticking around because love is unconditional. Actually listening to the other woman’s story made me see how even more great he is. Atleast he is trying.