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7 hours ago, Greg said:

dont tell her i hate her it all runs through my mind that shes lying and i hate her for lying.

Don't worry; I hadn't supposed that you would ever tell her you hate her ;) . I was only referring to your feelings of resentment - even if you don't tell her, those can, after some time, destroy your relationship unless you admit that it's a problem you need to try to solve. And it seems to me you already did realize it, at least to some extent :) , judging by your lates post here above. It's not only for her sake or in order to save your relationship with her; it's even much more important: You need to get appropriate professional help (psychotherapy) in order to slowly work to resolve your childhood issues and thus to get rid of the current depression, self-doubt, distrust of women etc. Your attempt at taking your own life was a cry for help. It's sad that no one listened and responded, but... did you? Have you been listening carefully to your true needs? It's sometimes (even often?) difficult to find out what one needs... Writing about it (for instance on this forum - you may even use the blogging option here) might help. But to change oneself so significantly (to get rid of depression and overcome childhood / family traumas) takes time and, most often, professional help. What are your options for therapy?

BTW, I'd invite you to look at some videos and articles posted on different parts of this forum; I'll give some examples later.

Here are some videos that come to mind:

You're "good enough" to your partner and that's great. She says you're prefect and that sounds false to you, but it's just because "the language of love" usually uses words like "perfect" instead of the "unromantic" "good enough":

https://youtu.be/1XgMZ1YgyoE

https://youtu.be/RbtflLkVv4E

Also, if you want your partner to be "more believable", you might show her this video and ask her how she would like you to change (then you'd probably hear what are the real issues that she has with you, and that it's really not the one you imagine😞

 

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Hm i hella do that ill look at sarah and see this beautifal woman that loves me and on no fault of her own ill imagine her as this twisted deviant that just wants to ruin me and play me around and i compare myself to everyone and she recognizes my problems but that doesnt change me or help me. I might need help but im used to lying and hiding id end up trying to please the therapist instead of being real with myself or said person and i dont know how to change that either

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I only have a little time now, so just one brief comment (for today) :

1 hour ago, Greg said:

id end up trying to please the therapist instead of being real with myself or said person

This reminds me of my therapy (some years ago) : After a few months, my therapist told me "I've been having the impression that you've been trying to please me." :) So, a good therapist should be able to recognize it and to know how to help one to overcome it. With your past and also current problems - trying to "please" your parents - this should be something every professional should expect and recognize. For this reason, I would recommend you psychoanalytic or psychodynamic therapy, or perhaps some other kind that is also, to a sufficient extent, transference-based. Therapists with this kind of training should be good at working with the therapist-client relationship (including tendencies as "efforts to please" etc.) and use it for the work needed. And, BTW, therapy, as well as psychiatric medication, is certainly not for (just) "weak" people. It often takes a lot of courage to go for it and it takes a lot of efforts to "work" in therapy (but it's certainly worth it). 

Edited by LaLa

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On 8/6/2018 at 9:04 PM, LaLa said:

I only have a little time now, so just one brief comment (for today) :

This reminds me of my therapy (some years ago) : After a few months, my therapist told me "I've been having the impression that you've been trying to please me." :) So, a good therapist should be able to recognize it and to know how to help one to overcome it. With your past and also current problems - trying to "please" your parents - this should be something every professional should expect and recognize. For this reason, I would recommend you psychoanalytic or psychodynamic therapy, or perhaps some other kind that is also, to a sufficient extent, transference-based. Therapists with this kind of training should be good at working with the therapist-client relationship (including tendencies as "efforts to please" etc.) and use it for the work needed. And, BTW, therapy, as well as psychiatric medication, is certainly not for (just) "weak" people. It often takes a lot of courage to go for it and it takes a lot of efforts to "work" in therapy (but it's certainly worth it). 

Just a random only semi-related question, but reading this and wondering, like, in general, how do you keep yourself from lying to the therapist to not embarrass yourself? So worried if I go see a therapist I'm going to end up feeling embarrassed even there and end up lying and getting messed up advice cuz of it.

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17 hours ago, GoldenBoyX said:

in general, how do you keep yourself from lying to the therapist to not embarrass yourself?

I don't know if there's "a general advise". But I have some hints / ideas:

- You cannot always keep yourself from lying to your therapist, but it's OK, as long as you keep going to therapy, being aware of what is not true / what you hide intentionally, trying to analyse the reasons why you do it (lie / hide), and then, after some time, when you feel you have established a good relationship with the therapist, you force yourself to tell him (or to write it to him) about what had been lies and why (you don't have to show all of them at the same time - perhaps try one first and then see how it went and if feeling encouraged, try to talk about the other lies).

- The best thing that I can think of, when you have this worry, is to tell the therapist during the first session about it. Don't say, of course (as it would feel impossible to do), what you feel like lying about / hiding, but just explain the fear of embarrassment. Fear of embarrassment and shame could be a very good topic to start with. You can talk about it and its reasons for several sessions before deciding to try to overcome it (-what can be a slow, gradual process; like... talk about something slightly embarrassing first, then something "worse", ... and finally about the very subject you feel now unable to talk about).

17 hours ago, GoldenBoyX said:

So worried if I go see a therapist I'm going to end up feeling embarrassed even there and end up lying and getting messed up advice cuz of it.

First of all, therapists shouldn't (in "regular" circumstances) give advise.

Second, if you know you're lying and you receive a feedback to your lie that doesn't apply to reality, you won't act according to the advise, will you? ;) 

In any case, I think you're probably mostly worried (not about messing up due to a bad advise, but ->) about not being understood, not feeling accepted as you really are, not being helped for/with the problem you really have. In other words, you're afraid therapy couldn't help you at all because you're unable to "do your part of the job" in it. But that's a natural fear that doesn't prevent one from becoming "a good (cooperative) psychotherapy patient/client". A great part of many (most?) therapies is becoming able to overcome fear of being mocked, judged, rejected, ... (first by the therapist, then also by others).

Good luck!

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6 minutes ago, LaLa said:

I don't know if there's "a general advise". But I have some hints / ideas:

- You cannot always keep yourself from lying to your therapist, but it's OK, as long as you keep going to therapy, being aware of what is not true / what you hide intentionally, trying to analyse the reasons why you do it (lie / hide), and then, after some time, when you feel you have established a good relationship with the therapist, you force yourself to tell him (or to write it to him) about what had been lies and why (you don't have to show all of them at the same time - perhaps try one first and then see how it went and if feeling encouraged, try to talk about the other lies).

- The best thing that I can think of, when you have this worry, is to tell the therapist during the first session about it. Don't say, of course (as it would feel impossible to do), what you feel like lying about / hiding, but just explain the fear of embarrassment. Fear of embarrassment and shame could be a very good topic to start with. You can talk about it and its reasons for several sessions before deciding to try to overcome it (-what can be a slow, gradual process; like... talk about something slightly embarrassing first, then something "worse", ... and finally about the very subject you feel now unable to talk about).

First of all, therapists shouldn't (in "regular" circumstances) give advise.

Second, if you know you're lying and you receive a feedback to your lie that doesn't apply to reality, you won't act according to the advise, will you? ;) 

In any case, I think you're probably mostly worried (not about messing up due to a bad advise, but ->) about not being understood, not feeling accepted as you really are, not being helped for/with the problem you really have. In other words, you're afraid therapy couldn't help you at all because you're unable to "do your part of the job" in it. But that's a natural fear that doesn't prevent one from becoming "a good (cooperative) psychotherapy patient/client". A great part of many (most?) therapies is becoming able to overcome fear of being mocked, judged, rejected, ... (first by the therapist, then also by others).

Good luck!

Hmm. I guess I need to try it. I'm not sure the embarrassment I feel is quite that. I also dont know how to introduce my issues to a therapist and still feel afraid to admit embarrassing things even to a therapist. Do you think it is different with a man vs. with a woman? I always picture a therapist as a woman. That scares me but less than a man. 

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3 hours ago, GoldenBoyX said:

Do you think it is different with a man vs. with a woman? I always picture a therapist as a woman. That scares me but less than a man. 

Yes, to some people, it maters a lot if it's a man or a woman. (To me, it did very much - I knew I only could have a male therapist and I was right :) . At the same time, I can say that after the therapy, I finally felt "now I would be "able" (/willing?) to have a female therapist if a new therapy was needed".)

So go with your instinct and choose a woman.

3 hours ago, GoldenBoyX said:

I'm not sure the embarrassment I feel is quite that.

Would you like to explain...? (Just if you feel like writing about it!)

3 hours ago, GoldenBoyX said:

I also dont know how to introduce my issues to a therapist and still feel afraid to admit embarrassing things even to a therapist.

Well, there are some reasons for therapy that one doesn't introduce at the beginning because one isn't ready yet. (It was also my case; I kept several "secrets" from my therapist for months and it was slow and painful (but also healing!) to "unveil" them...) You can have several reasons to come to therapy and everyone has several issues that can be improved in his/her life, so you can begin with something you don't feel so terribly embarrassed about (along with saying "there's something more important, but I can't yet imagine telling you right now; I hope that these sessions will allow me to get rid of the fear of embarrassment first" - something like that.)

 What do you think?

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4 hours ago, LaLa said:

Yes, to some people, it maters a lot if it's a man or a woman. (To me, it did very much - I knew I only could have a male therapist and I was right :) . At the same time, I can say that after the therapy, I finally felt "now I would be "able" (/willing?) to have a female therapist if a new therapy was needed".)

So go with your instinct and choose a woman.

Would you like to explain...? (Just if you feel like writing about it!)

Well, there are some reasons for therapy that one doesn't introduce at the beginning because one isn't ready yet. (It was also my case; I kept several "secrets" from my therapist for months and it was slow and painful (but also healing!) to "unveil" them...) You can have several reasons to come to therapy and everyone has several issues that can be improved in his/her life, so you can begin with something you don't feel so terribly embarrassed about (along with saying "there's something more important, but I can't yet imagine telling you right now; I hope that these sessions will allow me to get rid of the fear of embarrassment first" - something like that.)

 What do you think?

I used to have this nightmare that I'd walk into a therapist's office and the therapist would be the mom of a kid I used to know in high school who would often pick on me. She would break me down and get me to admit I had a small penis and that I couldn't satisfy my girlfriend. She would compare me to her son who didn't have those issues and remind me he used to pick on me. I'd end up crying and she'd sit there comforting me encouraging me to just accept that I'd never be equipped enough to ever satisfy a girl. It was a weird nightmare and I'm not even sure where it came from. In reality I'm fearful both of a therapist getting me to accept it and also am fearful of getting a bunch of tired overdone "size doesn't matter" or "you're fine, you're just imagining it" stuff. Like how could a therapist possibly understand what this is like? Or otherwise get me to let go of all my ambition in life to be the best at everything. Like, I talked to a therapist once and told her about how much it was crushing me to not yet be like totally given all the opportunities I wanted to be given at work and her response was basically to try to get me to just let go of my ambitions. That was even more crushing. I guess I don't know what I want to get out of therapy.

Anyway to your questions yeah I think it would have to be a woman.

I mean, it sounded like you thought I'd feel embarrassed by fear that the therapist wouldn't help me with my true problems and I think it's more like fear of even admitting these issues to anybody in the first place, much less a therapist or somebody who's going to be judging me. I got a copy of my childhood medical records a while back and realized just how much doctors write down about you. It's super embarrassing to think about all those notes from my file about how I was doing in school and what camps I was going to also included medical stuff about my puberty and penis size and stuff like that. I guess I'm just really afraid to admit some of these things and the events that caused them and how much they affect me to anyone because of how embarrassing it is and just what they will think of me will be ruined if I did that.

I do like your approach to easing into it though. Maybe that would help. I still don't know if I could ever truly admit it to someone though.

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@GoldenBoyX Sometimes people write down the really worrying stuff and give it to the therapist to read, which avoids the sometimes huge difficulty of trying to explain - can be easier. I had a female therapist. It's really important I think to research different types of therapy and therapists to see what appeals to you and if you meet someone and it doesn't gel quickly don't be afraid to choose another therapist, it's so important that you feel empowered by someone and their help.

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I don't have a problem admitting it to a therapist in fact I've told a few women who were medical doctors but not therapists. I kind of enjoy it and they don't give a damn. Why should they.

My problem is I don't see that any good that can come from therapy. No one can do anything about my situation so what's the point. Plus if I did go to see one it would have to be at the VA as I can't pay for private and I would feel like I'm wasting their time when they could be dealing with someone who has far more important problems.

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I do feel a compulsion to talk to a real psychologist it's just that my problem is my life. At least the last 40 or so years and there is nothing me or anyone else can do about that. Even if I had a time machine and could go back to when things started going bad and got to do it all over again I would still be the same me and would probably make the same decisions and same mistakes as I did the first time. I know what she is going to say before she even says it. However I still would like to talk to a therapist if for no other reason than to let one person know how completely screwed up my life has been.

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1 hour ago, lifelongvirgin said:

I do feel a compulsion to talk to a real psychologist it's just that my problem is my life. At least the last 40 or so years and there is nothing me or anyone else can do about that. Even if I had a time machine and could go back to when things started going bad and got to do it all over again I would still be the same me and would probably make the same decisions and same mistakes as I did the first time. I know what she is going to say before she even says it. However I still would like to talk to a therapist if for no other reason than to let one person know how completely screwed up my life has been.

I don't anticipate it would actually help. I anticipate I'd just get told that I'm fine and that I shouldn't worry about it, which completely isn't the point, much less not being true. And yet there's still something, well, maybe I just want somebody to listen to me even if they can't solve my problems. Just having somebody to finally listen and acknowledge this struggle would be nice. The world is so full of people who either pretend it's not a real issue or, well most of the time you can't talk about it because it's so taboo. I just want somebody I can vent to who can acknowledge it. Some days i just want to hear it affirmed that yeah, I have a small dick and yeah, I suck in bed and yeah, other guys are sexual supermen compared to me. Fuck it. Why am I always having to convince other people I have a problem. I want to convince them I can overcome it, not have to convince them I have a problem in the first place. It's exhausting.

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@lifelongvirgin I don't think it'll be a cure all, but it could be a step in the right direction. Maybe see how you feel after unburdening yourself, it may be just what you needed. Hopefully with it being a therapist rather just a doctor they won't give you the motion in the ocean speil, but if they do, walk out and find someone else. I still think you should put yourself first in this case tho, you're just as worthy of anyone else. 

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The trouble is the VA has such budget constraints they they have very few actual psychologists. Getting to see one is very difficult and can take time so switching from one to another would be hard. I don't mind if she just gave me the kind of advise we usually get. I would just try to explain how it feels when you're the one living with it. I've never actually had a real conversation with a therapist. I did go for therapy a few years ago but we only discussed my anti social problems. We never touched on the penis size issues at all.

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In what other area are we content with "good enough" or "average" as our saving grace. The fact that my girlfriend tolerates sex with me in spite of it being unsatisfying is supposed to make me feel good?

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