I can’t do this anymore

[Renni.cl]

The past weeks have been awful and I feel each time lonelier and hopeless. I have been conciedering suicide for years now and I think I am gonna do it. I can’t keep waiting for good things to happen, I am tired of trying. I am just not good enough. I don’t want to go to school or talk to anyone, I don’t want to eat. I don’t even want to go to the Katy Perry concert anymore. None of that matters. I don’t matter. Sometimes I think people will be better without me. The other day I was at a party and I was sitting alone watching all my friends dance and having fun and they all seemed happy without me. I don’t want to see another day again.

[Victimorthecrime]

I hope you change your mind @Renni.cl.  You sound like you might be a young person and so much can change in a few years. Try to look down the road at good things that can happen.  

It is normal to feel bad sometimes, it happens to me too.  We only get one short chance at life so it is worth living.  If there is someone you can talk to that might help.  Let us know how you are progressing.  

[LaLa]

Hi, Renni 

I'm so sorry you're feeling so hopeless  . I understand that life is difficult for you now. I used to be very suicidal as teenager, too (I'm in my mid 30ties now), so I can relate. I also hated myself and didn't think it could got better, but it did. I know we are all more or less different, in different circumstances, but some principles are valid all the time: In most cases, life consists of "ups and downs" and even if you're "down" for a long time, you'll be later grateful to your younger self for not killing yourself.

12 hours ago, Renni.cl said:

I can’t keep waiting for good things to happen

Why precisely couldn't you? That's just an opinion you're telling yourself. And your opinion isn't based on many facts available; you only listen to your feeling:

12 hours ago, Renni.cl said:

I am tired of trying.

I hear you and I don't doubt you are tired, but that's not a reason to give up. What about trying differently? To find your own way of "accepting yourself and existence", you first need to search a lot; gain new facts and points of view. By this I'm not saying you're "stupid" (-I just want to make sure you won't misunderstand me!); it's a natural consequence of your very young age that you haven't yet read and discovered much about ways how to cope with suffering, how to accept yourself as you are, how to find meaning in life, how to find some "high enough" level of satisfaction. Yet, you're thinking about giving up before even really trying to discover some the numerous and diverse ways that so many other wise people before you have described (mainly in books).

Here is just one of many famous examples https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man's_Search_for_Meaning,

but I invite you to read these propositions here http://www.mentalsupportcommunity.net/topic/3279-recommended-readings/and perhaps also here http://www.mentalsupportcommunity.net/topic/9297-recommended-tedx-talks-and-the-school-of-life-videos/

then try to get at least some of the sources mentioned there (those that seem the most appealing to you and / or those that are easily available).

12 hours ago, Renni.cl said:

I am just not good enough.

This is your opinion, based on your idea of what "good enough" should look like. But how can you be so sure about your own opinion to let it condemn you to death?  I've always hated it when someone called me "a perfectionist", because I never wanted to be "perfect", just "good enough", so I can imagine that you may easily be angry at someone who advise you "not to seek perfection / not to be a perfectionist". Yet, I've learned that my idea of  "good enough" had been wrong. I already know you a bit from this forum, I know you're a sensitive, kind, smart girl, trying to be good and desperately needing the recognition and love of others who, unfortunately, haven't yet been "open-eyed" enough to fully see and love you for who you are and be as kind to you as you deserve. Some people change and, mainly, life will make you meet many new people. In the meantime, you can get better prepared to meet those who'll like you very much. Because, even if it sounds weird and / or cliché, you need, most of all, to learn to accept yourself and see for yourself that you already are good enough. I wrote "learn", because it's a process, it's not a miraculous moment just based on a few hours of "trying". In the process, I recommend you to watch also these videos and to try not to reject the important messages there by objecting: "I don't want to be perfect" and "I already know I'm not good enough." [there are also subtitles available if you prefer it]

https://youtu.be/g8pti-Swh_E

https://youtu.be/RbtflLkVv4E

12 hours ago, Renni.cl said:

I don’t even want to go to the Katy Perry concert anymore. None of that matters.

This is one of the major symptoms of depression: The loss of interest in the things you used to like. It's very important for you to know that it's a symptom of a treatable illness. It is very hard to experience, because depression makes you falsely believe that there's no chance to get better. It's one of its dirty tricks it plays on human brain  . But do you believe your, let's say, hand when it hurts after an injury that "the pain is so terrible it won't ever stop"? No, mainly because you have already the experience that it stops after some time. But in this case, you lack the experience so far, so it's hard to believe your mind will get better. Yet, you still have the power of you reason to convince yourself that the depression is wrong and that your harsh opinions about yourself are wrong, and that you need to try, learn, seek help, read, communicate with people who try to help etc. to destroy this "dark cloud" that, so far, taints your opinions and feelings.

13 hours ago, Renni.cl said:

I don’t matter.

You do matter. You matter to us (otherwise we wouldn't communicate with you) and you matter also to your family, although the way they communicate it to you isn't a good-one. (Why would your mom otherwise  even care to tell you her "advise" (no matter how useless), for instance? Why would she sometimes be angry at you? You're never angry at someone who doesn't matter to you, are you?)

13 hours ago, Renni.cl said:

Sometimes I think people will be better without me.

This is yet another typical opinion that depression (and some different ailments of the mind) make people think.  

13 hours ago, Renni.cl said:

sitting alone watching all my friends dance and having fun and they all seemed happy without me

Yes, they might have been "happy without you", because they are not suffering from any mental illness that would prevent them from having fun. They would be equally, probably even more, happy if you were there dancing with them, but you felt bad, so they were just "being teenagers" and having fun, not "being thoughtful" as they would be in an ideal world and trying to help you. This experience doesn't say anything about your importance or worth!!! It only shows that you're an illness to conquer while your friends don't know much about it, so they cannot be very helpful. It's pretty probable that they have been sad that you wasn't willing to join them and share the fun, but they prefer to ignore the sadness because it's much easier. 

 

 

13 hours ago, Renni.cl said:

I don’t want to see another day again.

I hope very much you'll see many days and that many of them will be nice for you. It probably won't get better very soon (but who knows; some wonderful coincidences sometimes happen and make great changes!), but if you give up, you'll also give up the good waiting for you to experience.

Good luck and keep writing!

[LaLa]

Hi again,

I've just listened to this podcast and I think it might be a good example for you of a sudden, unforeseen change (in this case, a religious conversion):

http://meaningoflife.tv/videos/39973

Or here, this author describes an unexpected huge change (when it "feels like having a blindfold removed") in his point of view / attitude and, consequently, also feelings:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/wes-janisen/you-should-fall-for-someone-who-doesnt-love-you_b_6624284.html

Quote

While it takes varying amounts of time, everyone finds their breaking point, that moment when enough becomes enough. It could be the third night you cry yourself to sleep, the fifth time they cancel plans with you to be with someone else, or the eighth night in a row you spend getting drunk alone. It can take months, or even years. But here’s what you’ll have once you get there:

After surviving that kind of ache, you’ll be so much stronger, so much more certain of yourself. You’ll see that all pain (physical, emotional, and metal) is a temporary state of being, not a permanent one. There is always a reason to go on, always a reason to fight for yourself.

You’ll realize that because you are not loved by one does not mean you are not loved by all. You’ll understand that love cannot be won like a teddy bear at the fair; cannot be stolen like a rare painting from a museum in the dead of night. You’ll see that real love comes first from within, not from anyone else. You learn that those annoying people who say things like, “Real love comes from within” were telling you the truth this whole time, but you had to learn it for yourself. Don’t worry — you don’t need to tell them they were right.

Getting over unrequited love feels like having a blindfold removed; you suddenly see all the love you’ve had in your life this whole time, and you’ll appreciate those individuals like never before. You will be humbled, you will be grateful, you will be wiser.

Please, don't look at it as my attempts to show you how your future will look like  ! These are just two random examples I accidentally stumbled upon today that made me think of you again because they both show a moment in life when some kind of suffering (or at least unsatisfactory situation) was ended suddenly, without the person expecting it. There are innumerable examples in the world and you don't need to know them all to be persuaded it's mathematically probable that something "similar" (yet special; each case is unique) will happen to you, if you let yourself experiencing your life (and trying to find help and change points of view). Perhaps it won't be so sudden but gradual (there are many examples of such kinds of change, too!), but it can happen, as far as you stay alive.

I'm looking forward to your next posts! Take care!

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Renni. I hear that you feel tired and sad. Loneliness and feeling excluded can be very painful. Do you have anyone to talk and share with? Possibly the friends you mention or a family member could be supportive? A school psychologist? The teenage years can be stressful and difficult to experience and go through. I hope you are able to keep a door open to the possibility for positive change. We are here to listen, if sharing more helps. Sending you light and love.