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my life.

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i just had to get this off my chest.

(i am 16 at the moment)

it all started when i was 13, by parents had a rough divorce that included violence, police,cheating  and sadly, me.

it started my my dad figuring out my mom was cheating on him, first thing he did was put back my dog where we got him from, but what he told me was that he had left him stranded in some field tied up to a tree with no food or water, and i was just convinced that my dog was dead, for 2 entire days.

the police were called many times, mostly my mother feeling "threatened" and one time because he slapped her, unfortunately i witnessed it.

one time i even had to go to the police station and tell them what i saw, but i just could not have said anything to would put my dad in jail so i had to lie.

i could not pick a side so i just tried to support them both but it was so hard...

he was constantly calling her a whore in front of his children.

he took away her car, her phone, and put her in a small room with nothing but a bed. she did end up getting a cheap phone, and a car which he cut the tires off at some point.

it sounds like she was being abused, but she did do some horrible things which i cant recall, and all of it was because of her stupid lawyer.

my mom isnt the smartest so she just did everything her lawyer told her so they could get most of his money and a lot of it for herself.

i had trouble sleeping, my grades were getting worse and a few month like she moved out, i still live with both of them though.

 

this is just some of the things i had to go through.

but now everything is getting worse, im rarely going to school, i have a shitty social life, i'm in my room all day long just playing video games.

i tried cutting myself a few minutes ago but it was too painful.

as far as i can see my future isnt very bright, i got almost no education which wont get me too far.

im just sitting here wanting to kill myself and looking for reasons not to, i managed to convince myself that some day when everything falls apart, i will just end it all.

and i cant get that out of my head, i dont wanna die but i just want to stop the pain.

i cant get these suicidal thought out of my head.

i just know ill grow up to be a failure and i am calming myself down pretty much saying to myself "i wont have to go through all that in the future as i wont be here when life gets too hard.

it feels good to let it all out, but at the same time feels bad recalling all these bad memories.

 

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Let's see if i understand what has happened to you in the eventful last few years.

Your parents got, or are getting, divorced (is it final yet?).  They did not treat each other well, but more importantly, they don't seem to have managed to avoid treating you badly, as well (no child should be expected to choose between their parents in a divorce.)  They are separated, but you split your time between them.  Is that right, so far?

Then, you have been having trouble sleeping, which has carried over into problems at school.  Now, you rarely go, and instead spend your time on video games.  You worry about the effect this is having on your future.  I think I understand, so far.

But then you said, "... when everything falls apart" -- do you mean, when your lack of education starts to cause you trouble, or is there something else that is going to fall apart?  And, what might it mean to you if some day you thought you were a "failure"?

Having been suicidal myself, I tend to think of it as a forever solution to a temporary problem, but that's just my opinion.  We're here to listen to yours, if you feel like sharing some more.

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yes they did divorce over a year ago

and yes, when my education will start causing me problems is what i meant.

thanks for listening.

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I like listening;  it's why I'm here.  :-)

So, you're aware that not going to school is causing you problems, but you don't go.  Can you go into what keeps you away, a little?  Because, at least for the academic side, it's always possible to catch up.

Is there any possibility of getting some counseling, to help you deal with the unpleasant memories?  Are there any support groups near you for teenagers whose parents are divorced/divorcing?  You can't be the only one.  At least it would give you people to talk to who have gone through the same stuff.

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been having issues in school since ive been in 8th grade, im 10th now, not much time or motivation to catch up, mostly because i just dont see how it will help.

and i used to go to a social worker, but that ended really quickly due to lack of motivation.

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Time or motivation, then.  But you seem to have enough time.  Video games, right?

So, motivation.  I can understand that if you don't see how it will help, you wouldn't be excited to do something.  But you've said that you're aware of how not getting an education is hurting you.  Wouldn't it help, then, to try to get one?  Or do you believe, say, that it's too late or something?

Or maybe it's something else.  You said that things would all fall apart at some point, if you didn't have an education.  How exactly do you imagine that happening, the falling apart?  What will happen if you don't do well in school?

And therapy is different from school.  You lacked motivation for it, so it must not have been giving you what you needed/wanted.  What was it that you were seeking, that they didn't give you?

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i know the knowledge i was supposed to learn in school would not help me with anything i'd like to do, but it does help getting jobs and stuff.

and i was not seeking to speak to anyone, i am just looking to lock myself inside my room and do nothing but video games.

i have a gym memebership but i also lost motivation to do that.

i just have no motivation to do anything.

 

 

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Well, for one thing, it sounds like you picked the right forum, Depression.  And, you chose to come, so you have a little motivation not to stay depressed.  How do we expand that into an action you can take to make things better?

The knowledge you learn in school can certainly help, both for jobs or for things you'd like to do (what would you like to do for a living, if you could choose any job?)

Hmm, I didn't think of that:  you probably didn't ask to talk to a social worker.  It's hard for them to help, in that situation.  So, okay, if you want to lock yourself in your room and do nothing but video games, I can see how, eventually, that might no longer be possible, which could be the "all things will fall apart."

So, let's return to the first paragraph.  You don't have much motivation, at this point.  But you came here, and you keep responding, so there's a little.  What can you do with it?  Could you try going out for a walk every day, maybe only half an hour?  Then you could go back to your room.  Can you make an effort to eat right, and to go to sleep and wake up at regular times?  Each of those things has been shown to help people who are depressed.  It doesn't have to be much, just a little really.  But no one can do it for you.

I could suggest seeking counseling and/or medication.  If there's a way to get them and you have enough motivation to try, those methods are easier than doing this all on your own.  But if they're not available, or not available right now, there are things you can do for yourself, and maybe new options will open up.

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i do have the motivation for small things, sometimes im feeling better and some days i just feel like absolute garbage and cry myself to sleep.

and i do have access to counseling and medications but i said no to both, everything i avoid is just me thinking it would not help, though it probably will.

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Do you have some ideas about what separates the good days from the bad?

" Everything I avoid is just me thinking it would not help, though it probably will."  That's a complicated set of ideas.  There's stuff you avoid.  You're able to see that the stuff probably will help.  But for some reason, you tell yourself it won't.

What do you think about that?  Could it be that the depressed part of you is just really negative ("Nothing could possibly help"), but a more stable part of you is aware that maybe something could?  Or is there maybe something else going on, like part of you doesn't think it deserves help?  Or something else?

And the other little stuff, like getting outside a little every day, can still help.

Take care.

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