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Seo Alvin

A creepy classmate

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Hello, it's me again, Alvin from renaissance school in Saigon. My friend who got rejected by his crush and attempted suicide, took things even worse. What do I mean by taking things to worse? His attitudes on other girls he sees apparently. I just found out that he is a step below of being a rapist. I don't want to reveal his name, YET. 

So, here's the story. This guy just went through some hard times and now he really needs help. After breaking up with his ex, he tried to stay cool. Then, a month after break-up he had a crush on another girl. He attempted to ask her out for a date many times. All got rejected and she had new boyfriend. That's when he tried to suicide. I first though she was being a bitch for rejecting such a nice guy. Then she told me the reason why.

She said that when he was still dating that girl, he wanted to have sex with her, so he asked her about it many times. She refused to have sex because she felt insecure and doesn't want to take risk whatsoever. The more he asked, the more creepy he became. This was his climax of his creepiness. He was taking her home after a movie. They took a taxi and they sat together in back seat. They had argument that day and he was mad because he saw her with another boy(which was her cousin but he didn't know). However, somehow he took that as an advantage to have sex. He said that because she made him mad, she needs to have sex with him, so he won't be mad at her. When he said that, he was rubbing his hand on her thigh and his other finger rubbing her boobs. He did that to make her feel horny so she would have sex with him. But, she realized that she was being molested and she rejected him again. This time he was mad that he left the taxi middle of nowhere and he found his way home. So she had to pay the taxi fee all by herself. And that was one of the main reason why they broke up. Somehow that day when I met him in school he had a pack of condom in his bag which I believe that has to do something with his incident.

I got goosebumps when I heard that story. I though that was the end until I continuously see him being touchy when talking to girls. He either rubs his hand on her leg or her arm.This "touchy" thing has been going on for 3 months straight. Moreover, whenever he sees a girl he ALWAYS asks me whether she's hot or not. My school had a music festival few weeks ago and there were several girl group that was dancing team from other school. When they were dancing, kept on asking whether they were hot or not. Because the other school that came to the festival was my former school, he asked me to hook him up with one of them. He kept on doing this throughout the festival.

My entire year group knows this and they don't want to be near him anymore. They're not avoiding him obviously, but they are scared of him. Furthermore, they are concerned for his sister that one day he would rape her. What could I do to stop him from molesting other girls in my school? This is serious issue that is affecting our studies.

 

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Hi, Seo,

Sorry if you already mentioned it before and I don't remember it, but do you have a counsellor / psychologist in your school? If yes, I recommend you to go and talk to him/her about this problem, without mentioning names (only telling the boy's name if she insists and explains why).

If there's not psychological help, I wonder if there's a teacher that would, in your opinion, be 'the right' adult to talk to when a problem like this occurs. 

Now I'm going to describe my subjective impressions of what you wrote, so that you could think about it differently and then perhaps tell us some more information about the situation to explain it better.

First of all, I consider it very positive that you (the students knowing about the behaviour of this guy) seem all concerned about the wellbeing of girls, have great respect for the importance of consent etc. I hope it means you are all thoughtful and sensitive enough to be respectful 'admirers', boyfriends, and partners. You also want to 'do something' to prevent the guy from hurting anyone. This is all great.

Yet, at the same time, I also have to say your interpretation of his behaviour sounds (perhaps wrongly) a bit exaggerated to me. Mainly that you call him "a step below of being a rapist". I don't think his behaviour was OK or 'acceptable', but it seems to me he only used 'mild form of touching' trying to make the girls 'want more', but as he saw he wasn't successful, although too angry, he gave up, he didn't continue nor did a worse thing. So I would probably rather see him as someone with issues with proper boundaries, someone who perhaps even cannot interpret social cues (-the girl probably at least slightly rejected him even before he noticed it, during the situation in the taxi), not "almost a rapist". But it's possible that it's (also) this kind of people who are prone to become rapists one day, after "too many rejections" due to their bad social skills. That's why I think he needs help and support to, first of all, gain enough self-esteem to become much less prone to suicide due to a rejection, but also to become better able to understand what an appropriate behaviour is. But if you consider him 'evil' (or "almost a rapist"), it will be hard / very challenging for you to be kind to him, not to reject him entirely, try to help him - and such behaviour from his peers might easily trigger in him worse problems, worse behaviour, vengeance, ... (You probably know that most of those who commit horrible acts have been bullied and hurt by their families and/or peers or felt rejected by society in general.)

So I wonder if you feel like being able to talk to him, without being too angry and blaming, about relationships with girls, the importance of consent etc.

May I also ask what kind of student he is (does he struggle with some subjects, goes he seem 'a genius', ...?) and if you think he might perhaps be on the autistic spectrum? (The kind of autist called highly functional, but still struggling with ) Has he been bullied?

That's all for now; I'm looking forward to your answers.

Good luck!

 

 

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Hi again,

Listening to  this radio documentary, I was thinking of you and your classmate:

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/the-current-for-april-26-2018-1.4636157/violent-misogyny-found-in-incel-is-a-form-of-terrorism-says-author-1.4636164

Perhaps it would be good to show it to him and them talk about the content, to see what his opinions about these issues are. He isn't radicalized, but perhaps hearing about the terrible consequences of such path might decrease the risks he'll once become a dangerous person. (?)

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Hey Seo,

This guy needs to be confronted about his behaviour. If no one ever lets him know it's wrong, he'll continue thinking it's fine to act like this. You need to tell him that everyone thinks he's being way too aggressive and that he's not respecting women's boundaries, and that when he gropes girls like that he's actually sexually assaulting them. You should tell him that his behaviour is rapey and you're worried he might take it too far one day.

I think for guys like this it's important that someone spells out the notion that not all rapes are committed by guys hiding in the bushes waiting to pounce on a girl, but rather most are committed by someone the girl knows. Just because he's on a date with a girl and she goes back to his place doesn't mean she wants to have sex with him. And if she's too drunk or passed out - yes, that's also rape. Because he's pressuring girls so much, he may end up raping someone one day while not realizing it's rape.
The easiest rule to avoid this is just to ask every time. It may feel a little awkward, but just ask 'do you want to have sex?' once you think things are heading in that direction.

I'm assuming your friend will get mad and deny he's being rapey or would ever rape anyone when you confront him on it. If so, just challenge him to ask this simple question every time then. If he really feels that way, then prove it by asking every time, and if he doesn't ask the question, then he should ask himself if he's pressuring the girl into sex.

Unfortunately, this responsibility seems to be falling on your shoulders to tell this to your friend, which won't be easy, but this conversation could save a girl from getting raped one day. I think you are obligated to confront him on it.
It sounds like he's a troubled person, he'll really need your friendship to get on a better path in life.

Best of luck,

Ben

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