I'm scared I'm a pedophile

[Jodie]

I don't know how to start this. I just don't want this. I feel awful. I keep having these horrible thoughts about children, ages 1-18. Like 14-18 isn't weird, I'm 16 but the kids younger than that? Jesus. And I just.. it's these thoughts about rape. And it doesn't turn me on, not when it's KIDS! I like to fantasize about myself being forced or forcing someone to habe sex, though it's more like a "no... no i dont want this.... noo.... ok yes i do...... i really do" and not like horribly violent or anything. But the thoughts about kids keep popping up and I DO NOT WANT THEM. I did not even have these thoughts a month ago. What the fuck is wrong with me, no normal person thinks like this. The thoughts come every single day and now when I see a child I just go "dont think about it" over and over again. I've always had fucked up fantasies but NEVER KIDS. I would never hurt a child, I would never touch them. I have no desire to. It's just in my head but it's driving me insaine. I don't want this. What the fuck have I done to deserve this? It's similiar to the violent thoughts I've had for a long time. The come and go but I have zero desire to act on them ( sure I'd punch someone in the face but I think that's normal when people are being dicks? I mean like actually violent things). It's the same thing, but this is far far worse. Makes me feel like a monster. 

And it's awful because I want to have children some day. Obviously I want to hold them close and stuff but I do not want to fuck a baby, absolutely not. 

This is going to get graphic but like,, I get turned on by a tight, hairless vagina, right? But it has to be on someone around my age or older. Like say a 17-20-25-30 year old? That's sexy. But when it's a child... like no. No no no. I don't want that at all, but am I a bad person for wanting thst, even on an adult? 

Im uncomfortabe around kids now. I never was before. I mean fine, when my cousin wasis jumping on me with her underpants yea, I was uncomfortable but not turned on at all. I think that would make most people uncomfortable. 

 

I just.. i dont know. I feel awful. And if these thoughts dont go away by the time I'm 18 I'll probably kill myself. I can't live my life in a constant state of anxiety and anger.

[LaLa]

Hi, Jodie, welcome!  

I see you're very confused and suffer very much because of these thoughts and fantasies  . You feel you're not normal, but your problem is more common than you probably suppose. You might look at some of the websites describing this 'condition' - you might find there some new insights and, perhaps, also some comfort in knowing that this isn't "you being bad" but it's a disorder that can be treated, similarly to other kinds of obsessions:

http://louisvilleocdclinic.com/pocd.php

https://www.ocdbaltimore.com/pocd/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/culturally-speaking/201212/could-i-be-pedophile-the-worst-kind-ocd

5 hours ago, Jodie said:

I can't live my life in a constant state of anxiety and anger.

I agree, but the best way to get rid of these emotions and of the fear etc. of being around children is an effective treatment for OCD. It might perhaps take some time to find a good therapist and (possibly) also a medication that will help, but it's certainly worth all the efforts and waiting. Your problem is quite new, so it should be easier to treat it than in a case of someone who's already suffered from it for many years. So I would encourage you to take advantage of this (being "in an early stage") and overcome all the difficulties that might seem to prevent you from seeing a psychotherapist. If you cannot imagine how to start talking about it, you might perhaps show him/her (or send in advance) the articles / websites above. Also, you don't need to tell your parents about it at all - it would be enough to tell that the reason you need therapy is, for instance, overwhelming anxiety.

i should probably also mention that there have been some cases of severe personality changes in people with some physical illnesses (for instance: https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn2943-brain-tumour-causes-uncontrollable-paedophilia/). I don't want to scare you by brain tumors, I just think that if your change was sudden, perhaps checking your physical health would also be a good idea.

Good luck! 

Edited June 3, 2018 by LaLa