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mikestevemmm

I'm a pedophile and am beginning to act on my urges

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Just for a bit of context, I am a straight, 16 year old male and have developed an attraction towards young girls, specifically my 8 year old neighbour but also towards photos of young girls I find on the Internet (fully clothed).

At first I thought very little of it as I am still attracted to girls my age and older  and masturbate regularly to fairly regular porn. This changed recently when I found an urge to film my neighbour while she was swimming in their paddling pool naked. This would have been a couple years before now so she was at an age where her mother saw no problem with her being naked in the garden. I saved the video onto a memory stick and want to delete it but can never quite bring myself to do it.

I have since recorded her a couple other times, although not fully nude, and have a desire to take it a step further by recording her bedroom through the vent that our bedrooms share. I understand that what I have done is immoral, let alone illegal and it fills me with dread knowing that each thing I do is taking me one step further to screwing up my life. 

On top of this I also have some strange fetishes like enf and voyeurism that are probably partly fuelling the matter. 

So my point of posting here is in the hope that someone might be able to offer some advice to lead me away from making the wrong choices cause right now I'm basically just thinking with my dick and it's making me feel sick.

Many thanks to anyone who can offer even a scrap of advice and sorry if I'm posting this in the wrong place, please redirect me to a suitable place if that's the case.

Thanks,

Anonymous 

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Stop and seek help. Talk to someone you can trust. See a mental health professional. Don't do anything crazy.

If you are attracted to women of legal age then stick with that, even watch as much normal adult porn as you want if it helps you to avoid the kind of behaviour that will get you in trouble.

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Hi, mikestewemmm, welcome!

I'm sorry you haven't received a reply yet. [added later: The previous post was added while I was writing.] Many people find it too hard to communicate about the subject you mention in the title. (In my case, I was just busy in the meantime.) And lately, this forum has been very 'quiet' in general. 

It's great that you decided to share your issues and are trying to gain new, helpful insights. It's one of the hints that you have high chances to resist all the bad urges. You're 16, an age when one can easily be confused by many 'weird' things concerning his sexuality (as well as identity), but can still change much easily than an adult would. But as a teenager, it's also harder to rationally control yourself (but not impossible - blaming immature brain isn't even scientifically backed-up anymore: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/impulsive-teen-brain-not-based-science-180967027/  ). Yet, you have already taken some small steps towards self-control, although you still have some 'hard work' ahead. Let's try to look at your situation and motives and goals to make your true values and wishes clearer to yourself, thus make it easier to act accordingly and avoid pitfalls and other consequences you would regret too much.

 

On 6/24/2018 at 11:47 PM, mikestevemmm said:

At first I thought very little of it as I am still attracted to girls my age

Just an info you perhaps already know: There are so called 'exclusive' and 'non-exclusive' pedophiles and you're lucky to be of the second kind - you don't need kids to get aroused, so you can form healthy adult relationships and not being sexually frustrated. It's even possible that the kind of attractions that worry you now will fade away - mainly if you don't feed them nor start obsessing about them ( https://www.intrusivethoughts.org/ocd-symptoms/pocd-pedophile-ocd/ ). That's why I think it's important to find psychological help. Seeing a therapist now may seem scary and even unimaginable, so I'm not going to suggest it; it's also quite possible that good peer support online would be enough for you.

As far as I know, there's a peer support group at Virtuous Pedophiles - a website by and for pedophiles who would never harm a child. I suggest to you to join that peer support community, while you can also still keep communicating here (I hope you can get some helpful support here as well, although not many members are active these days). You may also find some old insightful conversations here about these topics. Unfortunately, the member who was the most helpful for people struggling with pedophilic attraction and/or urges ( @Musicman ) requested, few years ago, to delete all topics "about him" (his past of an CP addict was a closed chapter for him at that time and he had made big successes in this psychotherapy) and he (almost?) doesn't visit this site anymore, but perhaps you might try to send him a private message and ask for help and/or read some of the posts he's written to some other members, here: http://www.mentalsupportcommunity.net/profile/3640-musicman/content/

On 6/24/2018 at 11:47 PM, mikestevemmm said:

want to delete it but can never quite bring myself to do it.

Can you describe what the video means for you and why a part of you doesn't want to 'give it up'? 

On 6/24/2018 at 11:47 PM, mikestevemmm said:

have a desire to take it a step further

We people have all kinds of desires, but we also have mental mechanisms to discriminate among them and choose which we pursue outside our fantasy world. It's probably harder when you're still a teenager, but that doesn't mean you cannot do it. What's more, if you "man up", take control, and listen to your rational thoughts, you have here a great opportunity to learn, to 'train your brain to be more resistant', so to say, and gain some confidence that you're able to be rational and have self-control in future.

On 6/24/2018 at 11:47 PM, mikestevemmm said:

each thing I do is taking me one step further to screwing up my life

You haven't done it yet (at least I hope so) and you don't have to. Yet you already think a lot about screwing up your life. I wonder if there's a (so far hidden) urge to screw up your life (to punish yourself, to do what some others (parents? bullies? ...) presumably think you should do (=screw up), ...). What do you think? Or is it just some craving of an adrenaline rush - doing something illegal and hoping, regardless of reality, that it won't be ever uncovered and punished? Does it make you feel any good to know that you're doing some 'questionable' things secretly? Does it provide some unrealistic feeling of peculiarity, entitlement, 'indestructibility', ...?  In any case, are any of the good feelings that you could gain from such actions worth it??? 

Another thought about "further screwing up your life": How do you consider your life "already screwed up"? (Some mental problems due to 'bad' childhood can manifest themselves also in ways you've described...) Would you share more about your life and issues other than sexual (or 'legal')?

On 6/24/2018 at 11:47 PM, mikestevemmm said:

someone might be able to offer some advice to lead me away from making the wrong choices cause right now I'm basically just thinking with my dick 

As I said, good advise, professional help, peer support, ... all that can be helpful, because most (if not all) of us need at least "someone" to support us in some way when we are suffering and need to make changes that seem almost impossible at the moment. But your post shows you already know all you need to know to make the right choice. You can recognize the moral and legal problems. You say you're "not thinking with your head", yet at the same time, you do think with your head, because you were able to write that post and realize all the 'bad / dark' aspects that you mention there. Well, perhaps there are still some facts that you haven't yet realized - one comes to mind right away: What you consider doing may easily have a very bad impact on the girl herself. You probably imagine she wouldn't know or wouldn't care (or would be even flattered? - I hope you don't go so far! ;-) ), but there's always a non-negligible, even quite high, risk that she'll find out and start feeling very insecure, scared, anxious, ... never safe again, even in the 'refuge' of her own room - and that can impact her whole life. Would any of that be justifiable by any kind of pleasant feelings you might get from acting on your urges?

I also wonder a bit if your request that someone leads you away from wrong choices isn't, to some extent, an effort to avoid responsibility. It's, unfortunately, easy not to find "the right" advise and then, at least partially, "blame the internet" for "not helping you not to do bad things". I don't think this is intentional, but I think it may be important to realize there's possibly this aspect and to face it rationally and try (intentionally, this time) to avoid this temptation to facilitate wrongdoing by avoiding responsibility.

On 6/24/2018 at 11:47 PM, mikestevemmm said:

it's making me feel sick

You don't only can think rationally; even some of your emotions are (at least sometimes) giving you strong 'hints' what is wrong and what is right. It's been apparently hard to listen to them, but you may start by relatively small steps: 'inactive action' (-I know; funny oxymoron): not to 'spy' on the girl; 'active action': delete the videos you have; 'analytical work': try to understand better your problems, your priorities, your life, your past, ... (-for instance, by joining the Virtuous Pedophiles, answering my questions and comments in this post, ...) ... And later, perhaps, you'll gain more courage to seek professional help if you still struggle with your urges.

Good luck!

Edited by LaLa
added text

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