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[YOTH]

Im so messed up off this, I don't know what to do with myself. Im at a loss, I miss him so much. 

[LaLa]

It's natural that you feel "messed up" (but you surely know that)...   I think all you can "do with yourself" is to try to take care. Yes, it includes allowing yourself to be sad (and angry and any other emotion that comes naturally to you in this situation), but perhaps you might try a strategy that I've heard of from some people: Choosing a particular time each day (some 30 min) to focus on your grief (being alone, crying or talking to yourself or writing about it etc.). They say it can help with the rest of the day - when you sort of "compartmentalize" like this. It doesn't mean you won't ever be sad at other times, but the most intense emotions could be avoided. It is also recommended to "keep your routine up" and do simple things for yourself. Here are some recommendations, perhaps you'll find some inspiration there:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/dealing-with-grief-and-loss/#how-to-cope-with-grief-and-loss

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm#yourself

I know it may seem absurd to "follow a guide" when grieving (as it's such a personal and emotional issue that "guides" may sound useless), but... I think the recommendations come from many experiences and may be truly useful...

 

Last few days, I've been thinking about sharing here some info about the causes of suicides. I'm not sure if it can be helpful to someone grieving and / or questioning "why that happened", but I'm finally going to try: The main "message" is that we, as "observers" (= including friends and family), cannot predict suicide based on behaviour and mental illness and that suicidality is better considered as a type of mental illness of its own, not as a usual part of depression. Some people have predispositions to it and those can be only revealed by detailed medical and biochemical examination, not so much (at least so far) by "psychological observation". So, when you ask yourself "why did he do it?", part of the response is "because of his biological settings". It doesn't make it any less tragic, obviously, but it helps to elucidate part of the mystery / part of "the incomprehensible". 

Here are some short excerpts about it (and their sources):

Quote

There is growing evidence that suicidal behaviour is a condition is its own right and not just a consequence of other psychiatric disorders, say brain researchers.
People who commit suicide show distinct changes in their brain that are independent of any mental illness they may be suffering from.
"There is an assumption that people get depressed, get depressed, get depressed....and then finally end it," says Mihran Bakalian of the New York State Psychiatric Institute. "But that is not borne out by the biochemical or psychiatric studies." 
[...]
the difference is most likely to lie in the systems that modulate aggression. Psychiatric studies have frequently linked aggression with suicide, and it may be that people who take their own lives are unable to reign in aggressive urges towards themselves.
[...]
suicide victims had a lower density of serotonin receptors in their amygdala, a brain region involved in controlled aggression and other emotions, than those who died by other means.
[...]
in some cases it might be better for psychiatrists not to prescribe SSRIs. Data from animals suggest that SSRIs can increase the number of serotonin receptors now linked to suicide. That could be why a small minority of patients are more likely to commit suicide once on this medication
https://www.nature.com/news/2006/061016/full/news061016-1.html 

These findings provide evidence of a neural basis of suicidal behaviors in major depressive disorder. In particular, reduced gray matter volume in the left angular gyrus may be a neurobiological marker of suicidality in depressed patients.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0010440X15300419 

[...] have found six such biomarkers in blood that they say can identify people at risk of committing suicide.
[...] “Suicide is not just related to mental illness,” he says. “It’s a very complex behaviour.”
https://www.nature.com/news/predictors-of-suicidal-behaviour-found-in-blood-1.13570 

 

[YOTH]

I just miss him, it's coming in waves

[peter]

On 8/13/2018 at 7:24 AM, peter said:

My thoughts are with you Yoth at this sad time mate.

 

I am really pleased you took the time to get to know tom he was asking for friends i said i would be his friend but he never took my offer up but i am pleased he took your friendship upso he had some one to talk to and pass his promblems on to or share with.. You are a great lad Yoht And you do not talk shit as you care about people.

 

[IrmaJean]

Grief works like that for me too. Waves of emotions, sometimes when you least expect them and not something you can always control. One thing that helped me during those waves of sadness, yearning, and pain was to try not to fight the feelings. As hard as that is, just to sit with them and let them flow. Breathe, listen to your needs, acknowledge the feelings, and they eventually ease up...until they show up again. Try to sit with yourself and be with yourself through it, if you can. It really sucks, it does... I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[YOTH]

@IrmaJean I actually started some new medication very recently and it's thrown my centre off to the side. On the one hand it's worse, on the other a little better. I had a vision today, or more of a feeling of him happy and with Jesus. I felt that if he was so close to my heart Tom would bump into him eventually. Now he can go and do something without the fear. Or for you atheists out there, he has evaporated into the eternal abyss, which although it sounds terrifying is what we parents dream of when we collapse at the end of the day lol.