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YOTH

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21 minutes ago, jazz said:

No, can imagine. Just such a total shock for you, with no real warning that the situation was so desperate.

Sometimes it's spontaneous, you have no intention to end your life that day but you just get into the right frame of mind and think 'why the fuck not' and just do it

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Ohh, that is so awful. :icon_cry: I'm so sorry, YOTH. I had a close friend who attempted suicide years back and for some time, I did not know if they were dead or alive. As much as emotions may go all over and they may, it has helped me to remind myself that there is no way any of us can know what another person will do and there is no way we can control their choices...over and over again... I hope you will let yourself feel what you will and what you need to feel. Loss can feel so immense it is difficult to fathom. Keep sharing, if it helps. We are here listening.

Care to you.

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9 hours ago, YOTH said:

The person you may know as @lookingforafriend has killed himself. I met him on here, we were friends. We spoke almost every day and stopped posting here because of the support he gave me. He was on new medication, he wasn't sleeping. He sent me tshirt for my birthday that arrived after he died. I didn't know. I sent him messages all week. Desperate, I checked Facebook. He killed himself. He didn't sound suicidal on Sunday, but he was feeling worse than usual. We arranged to speak on Monday evening, he killed himself Monday morning. I don't what to say or think, I still can't believe it. 

My thoughts are with you Yoth at this sad time mate.

 

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@IrmaJean thanks, Irma. I'm still in disbelief, haven't processed it at all. Feels like a dream and I'm about to wake up and realise it isn't real. I don't even know where to begin. He was such a good friend, and he died alone. 

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I'm so sorry. :icon_cry: This hurts. It's hard to think of people we care about dying alone, especially when we wanted so much to be there for them. :( I hear you. I hope that Tom found some moments of peace. 

I think talking about my loss helps me process it, though not without pain. I think too everyone copes in their own way. I hope you continue to listen to your needs. 

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@Small He was a strong guy mentally. But it wore him down, constant piss taking at work, his personal life was going through a transition but new medication with no sleep for days didn't help. I'm trying to remember him how he was, not how most people will remember him. I feel sick from it, I can't get him out of my head. We planned to meet up in Edinburgh again for Christmas. I'm lost 

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Yoth -- my condolences. I remember he wanted to get a face-face group going for mutual support. It infuriates me beyond comprehension that his coworkers will suffer zero consquences from this. 

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@Klingsor I'm not gonna lie and say work was his only problem, but it was the lion's share. He'd asked to be moved to an office away from the rest of his colleagues and they'd said they would for a few days a week. It killed him having to put up with that all week, he fucking hated it. This is psychological torture at its most acceptable. But he did what he did, and now I'm crying at stupid shit when I realise he isn't going to do the things he wanted to do. He had holidays planned, TV & movies he wanted to watch, plans for the future, drinking ciders in his new garden. I was gonna see him next year, we had plans. This is why we need a real support system, this forum is what it is, but someone has to stand up to this shit, stop feeling embarrassed. He's dead because it's ok to do what they do, it's funny. His whole life flushed down the toilet over a fucking joke at his expense. 

Btw, I can't like posts, I'm not being a dick it says I've liked too many or something. 

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Many of us have spoken about what a nightmare the work environment can be.  It really is a huge problem.  I think I remember talking w lookingforfriend about it here.  It might have been him that said he went for a beer after work and it was fun but the next day coworkers brought up things that were said that were meant as bar talk but threw it in his face and he was unsettled by it.  If I got the wrong guy I am sorry, going from memory.  

Times like this make it so hard to know what to say.  I don't want to just throw up my hands and say the world sucks but I don't want mouth empty platitudes.  

Hope everyone finds a way to be as well as possible given everything they are going through.  

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@Victimorthecrime That sounds like him. It was a constant strain on him and in turn on his mental health. I can't believe it tbh, still quite hard to accept. He was a true confidant, the only real one I've ever had. The only person in the world I could talk to who understood what I was going through. 

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12 hours ago, YOTH said:

He had holidays planned, TV & movies he wanted to watch, plans for the future, drinking ciders in his new garden. 

That right there makes me so sad.  I had a bunch of shit written out but it didn't make much sense. I'm tired and mentally drained. It basically said I completely agree with needing a support group, and I would go a step further and say we need activism.

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@Klingsor @Small Very difficult for activism to break through that plausible deniability. He had one woman constantly mentioning how small things were, like sweets and salt pots, fucking cruel sociopaths. Not much he could do except ignore it and get on with his day, but they'd never let up. These are the people who will console eachother at the loss of their colleague and whisper conspiracies that they 'could see it coming' or 'he was deeply troubled'. But he was worth more than that. I just keep thinking about his last moments, did he feel alone, scared, relieved? I wish I'd said things, I need to talk to him. 

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That kind of bullying over time can have a profound effect. :(

I have found that I go through an intense mental replay after loss. My thoughts are consumed with past conversations, what ifs, interactions, regrets, happy memories, painful memories, as well as a rollercoaster of many (and sometimes conflicting) emotions. It can be mentally exhausting, but I think--for me at least-- it's a necessary part of my grief.

Can you write to Tom, talk to him, and tell him what you need? If there is a drive there, maybe it might help to express those thoughts and feelings?

 

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