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ILoveZed

I am feeling depressed every time i thing about sexuality

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Sorry about my English.

Hi, so sometimes I feel really depressed and confused when I am thinking about my sexuality. I feel like I dont know what I am. I dont know if I Iike guys or girls and I am really confused about what should I do. I feel like I cant tell anyone. Cuz if I tell my parents they will be asking me "why didnt you tell us" and if my grandma knows she would probably get a heart attack. So I cant do anything else than to just search for help on the internet and it does make me feel better when I write about this stuff. I am going to start with the fact that I have had a crush on a girl only one time and it was at 3 grade and back then I didnt really know what I was feeling, so I am not sure if I should count this. Anyways I just have always had a crush on guys. It was really weird. There is no one esle on the school who has got only one girl crush in his whole life. Everyone is talking about girls and I pretend to like girls too, because I cant imagine their reaction if I tell them how I feel. Another thing is that when I feel depressed I just want to hug someone and because I cant i feel even more depressed. I have tried to jerk off to a straight porn, but it just doesnt work. Also I never get hard from a girl. I always get hard around guys. And actually the thing that makes me feel depressed is that I dont want to be like this. I want to be normal. I have talked with my mom about gays and all of that and she is ok with them and I then I felt like I could tell her, but I am still not sure what I am. I am just praying that it is because of puberty and it will go away, but it is not going away. I am only 14 and most people will probably tell me "Ahh you will be ok", but I am not ok. I want to know what am I and to be able to tell my parents and friends about it without feeling uncomfortable. Please help me.

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Welcome to the community, ILoveZed. 

At 14 years of age, there is so much happening as you mature. I can recall feeling overwhelmed with life at that age. Maybe with more time you will be clearer about how you feel? If you don't feel comfortable discussing this with your immediate family, is there another trusted adult you might share with? Another family member or counselor at school?

In the meantime, I hope you can care for and be gentle with yourself. It's okay to be you.

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I dont think I have anyone who can take this normaly. I had a teacher in my school which was really cool and I liked talking with her. She was really open about everything and I feel like she was really going to help me with that, but now I am not in that school anymore.

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Hi ILoveZed. Just wanted to welcome you and say it is quite likely that you are not the only one in your school that has the same confused feelings, no matter what the other guys say. Is there any sort of local youth counselling service in your area that you could get in touch with? Also, you never know, your mum may even have an idea what you are feeling already, just wondering about that as she said she was totally ok with it when you talked about the subject of someone being gay and sometimes people close to us just pick up on these things.

Share more here of course if that helps, sometimes people don't fit neatly into boxes, like gay or straight, especially at 14.

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I know it's difficult, but at 14 you kind of have to allow yourself to go through the motions. There isn't a straight/gay/bi guy on the planet that wasn't a mixed up mess at 14. We're just very good at hiding what we're going through. You're about as normal as you could be, and feeling as if you're not normal is textbook normal. Nobody is honest, they all lie. It's why we don't really know who we are until we're older. Just let yourself be whatever the hell you are without the guilt. In a few years you're gonna start experimenting, and that's a fun time. We all look back at ourselves at your age and think 'why didn't I just enjoy myself when I had the chance?'. I'm not telling you everything is ok, because you don't feel ok. But you're definitely NOT alone or unique in feeling like this. Sometimes you have to have faith that you're exactly where you need to be right now and enjoy the things that make you happy before life kicks the living shit out of you ;)

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