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Unhealthy sexual obsession

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Feeling small found its way in my head since puberty. One particular way was there from the start. Was anyone else obsessed with the size of their brothers penis? I did everything i could to see his soft and hard and kept trying even after i saw it.  Or is this just me? This created a huge amount of guilt and contributed to my depression and shame, even issues with questioning my sexuality. Seeing him and seeing him and seeing he was nearly identical hard just made me feel worse that he seemed fine with it. It kept feeding sexual fetishes and kinks I wanted no part of but could.not escape. No matter how much i knew it was wrong and not important I could not get it out of my head. Even as a middle aged man it comes back and I feel ashamed. Being small effected a lot of my life and obsessions like this always kept it in the front of my mind. Bringing new waves of guilt and shame. Just one more way I seemed never to escape the thought everyone was bigger then me. My desperate need to compare with out showing off was/is overwhelming at times. I watch a video of him hard over and over and over. Feeling guilt after but pure pleasure at the time. 

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