Back again, depressed. Essay forthcoming.

[Powerhouse8000]

Yes, it's me. Back again.

Some of you may remember me from when I first came to this forum in 2013 with extreme self loathing issues. I then returned in 2017 with a different username and posted a thread about my life, and then posted several threads after that.

For anyone who doesn't know, I am a 31-year-old guy from Scotland, 6ft3 tall.

I have been inactive on here for a good while and have not really been on here much at all this year. So I'll give you all an update on what's been happening, if anyone cares to listen.

The first half of 2018 was very quiet for me in terms of dating and sex. Despite this, I joined a gym in January and have sought to improve myself through exercise, doing both weights and cardio. The payoff has been worth it as well. I have gone three times a week most weeks since the start of this year. I do not look perfect by any means, and my diet could still use significant improvement, but there has been definite progress made there on my looks and fitness for sure.

The main dating app I have been using since the beginning of the year has been Tinder. As I said, the first half of the year was very quiet, after seeing someone for a short while in October and November 2017. So while I kept on adding better and better photos and getting matches here and there, nothing really materialized until I got a date at the start of June.

She was a tall and slim and quite intelligent and classy 33-year-old brunette, and I was pretty pleased that I'd matched with her and chatted, but although I'd bought her a meal and we talked for over an hour, ultimately she wasn't attracted to me.

Shortly afterwards, I matched with a very short but cute 29-year-old blonde, and chatted for a few weeks. Had one date at the start of July, had a nice date which involved a nice kiss or two, she told me she had an incurable illness, I said I'd be willing to help her with it, she messages me next day saying she's not interested.

Later in July, I matched with a 37-year-old woman who I didn't find hugely attractive as she was short and fat, but she seemed very keen on me. Anyway after talking for a while, we met up and I drove to her house, I took her out that day and then I stayed the night at her place. We attempted to have sex, but as per usual, I had the performance problems that I always experience. The fact that I was having sex with a short and fat woman whose body didn't really even fit with mine and who I wasn't really attracted to didn't help anything. I drove home the next day but we kept talking.

At the beginning of August, I was at a music festival and met a 44-year-old woman by accident at the festival who I ended up kissing and then later getting her number. So for a while, I was talking to two women at the same time, neither of which were my ideal choice. I was supposed to meet the 37-year-old the Friday after the festival but felt ill as I was driving up the road, turned back, she was disappointed, then that evening I said to the 44-year-old it wasn't going to happen due to distance and other factors, next day I told the 37-year-old I wasn't feeling it with her either, she got really angry and sent some abusive texts and then that was the end of that.

In September, I began talking to a 27-year-old brunette, larger girl but with pretty face and nice eyes, who I went on two dates with, decided after the second we didn't have anything really in common.

October was quiet as far as dating was concerned, and then at the start of November I began talking to the woman I'm talking to now, a 35-year-old curvy blonde with a pretty face and bright blue eyes who I'm really attracted to. I will explain my situation with her from this point on.

Last Thursday, I matched with her on Tinder. We began talking and she was messaging me a lot last weekend, so we agreed to meet on Monday and went to see some fireworks and had a walk around for a few hours chatting and getting to know each other. Within a few minutes of chatting to her I could tell she wasn't my usual type and that we didn't really seem to have that much in common but somehow the conversation just flowed and in the end we ended up having a really enjoyable night. I took her back to where I met her and got a quick kiss or three before saying goodbye.

So I have had a very busy week, and have been away places and doing things and was off work from Wednesday afternoon onward and am not back until the following Wednesday. We agreed to meet on Friday which was last night. I drove to her house, which is in a village near the city that I live in, and I bought her flowers just to be nice. I then drove her around 20 miles in the rain and the dark on rural roads to another village as we were going to a hotel where a band was playing.

Her best friend, who was large and unattractive but talkative, was there with her husband, who said little. Anyway, I was drinking soft drinks and she was drinking vodka and before she'd already even finished her first drink she was talking about flashing her boobs, playing with her fanny (pussy), and going for a piss at the side of the road and flashing her arse (ass). She was giggling and laughing about that stuff with her friend while acting like a mad woman, and also touching me a lot and making silly faces at me. So basically, I knew that I was onto a winner and that it was highly likely, from her behaviour and body language, that I was going to end up in her bed that night.

On the drive home, she was telling me about how she struggled to find a man who would treat her right, and that she was sick of sleazy guys. I obviously didn't say this, but I was thinking to myself that her "slutty" behaviour such as she displayed that night was maybe attracting that type of guy rather than repelling them? She said she was sick of guys who only wanted sex, but the way I see it the way she was acting that night was as if it was her that only wanted sex, and she even had her hand on my leg as we were driving home. The signals were dead clear.

My subjective impression was that she had had quite an extensive history with guys and had "been around a bit", that is to say had sex with a lot of guys but never really settled for that long.

Anyway, I parked outside her house, we went inside and locked the door. We put the TV on at a low volume, then started kissing. Took off a few items of outer clothing but still remained on top of the bed sheets. After a while we took off a little bit more just down to underwear and t-shirts and we started kissing and cuddling. Before I knew it, I had my hands down rubbing her pussy and clitoris and was trying to bring her to orgasm but it didn't quite work as per usual and she had to bring herself to orgasm eventually.

She also began wanking me off, but I was too dry and had to spit on my dick. She said the spitting was disgusting but I said I needed something to lubricate it. Anyway she kept on wanking me really hard but I didn't cum even though her arm went dead. I then tried wanking myself off while she played with my balls but that still didn't work. Not sure if I was just too nervous, or whether I needed more visual stimulation as couldn't see anything in the dark, which is a big contrast from looking at a pornographic image on a smartphone.

So I felt that I'd disappointed her by not being able to cum. I wanted to let her taste my cum and had specifically not wanked the night before because I wanted to save it for her. That was the first thing that made me feel inadequate last night.

Not long after, we decided to try to get some sleep. But I kept tossing and turning as was uncomfortable, kept going to the toilet, kept drinking water, kept having a dry mouth and feeling like I was going to die of dehydration. Not only did this annoy her, but I also woke her up several times unintentionally. Neither of us got a good sleep, so I feel like this is the second way in which I let myself down last night.

Despite everything, we are still talking and texting, although I think her interest in me might possibly have been diminished to some extent because of what happened. Really hard to tell at this stage. It was all going so well, but then I let myself down because I have problems with performing sexually, both when it comes to mutual masturbation as well as sexual intercourse, and also have problems with getting to sleep while sharing a bed. I have had these problems many, many times before when doing sexual things with women and sleeping with them and it feels awful.

All I want to do now is to keep her, develop our relationship properly, have a good and full enjoyable sex life with her, and be the man she needs in her life that will treat her right.

Will that happen? Knowing my luck, probably not. I'll just be condemned to misery forever, she'll lose interest and I'll be left out in the cold again like always.

[Powerhouse8000]

Are Internet forums, like this one, just completely dead now?

Has everyone moved to Reddit? That seems to be the place people go now when they want to have a rant and seek sympathy.

Anyway, things have not turned out as bad as I feared.

I texted her on Monday morning asking her if she wanted to meet again. Was hard to tell at that point if she was losing interest or not, but it turned out she was still interested. I was off work Monday and Tuesday, and then work was pretty shit Wednesday through to Friday due to a certain person at my work being a cunt.

So she kept texting me all the time on WhatsApp, so much so that I can't even keep up with her. Quite often she talks about sexual stuff in her texts, even first thing in the morning. Everyone that I've showed pictures to thinks we look cute together and make a good couple. We agreed to meet again on Saturday night.

So last night she picked me up in her car, we drove to a car park and I'd booked a table at a Thai restaurant. We both really enjoyed our meal and had a good chat. We then went to the cinema to see a film. We bought some drinks and snacks then went into the cinema. Around half an hour into the film she kept giggling and fidgeting and whispering to me. Although she is a 35-year-old woman soon to be 36 in the new year, she has all the maturity of a 16-year-old in the way she behaves and I had to tell her to keep still and behave and just watch the film!

Anyway I had my hand on her leg during the film, and she basically hinted at me to put my hand closer. Before long my hand was right between her thighs and I could feel how wet her pussy was through her trousers as she rubbed her thighs against my hand!

She also tried to grab my cock and balls during the film, but I had to stop her as I didn't want us to get thrown out of the cinema!

After the film she drove me home and I got a few kisses and we both really had a nice evening. I'm seeing her again on Thursday, not sure exactly what we are doing, but on Saturday she's coming to my flat to stay overnight next weekend.

And I'm fucking terrified.

Of what?

Of not being able to sexually satisfy her.

Of losing my erection, of not being able to get a condom on, of not being able to get my cock inside her pussy.

And all the other shit that was a problem last time with keeping her awake, going to the toilet, and all that crap.

Basically, of her being sexually dissatisfied with me. And then being so dissatisfied that she loses interest. And I'm back to the start. Again. As always.

She seems like a highly sexual person based on her behaviour - she seems to talk and think about sex more than I do, and I'm a guy!

But that sort of woman needs a guy who can satisfy her.

And if I'm not up to the job, then who the fuck am I?

[jazz]

Powerhouse, do you think you'd benefit from discussing these issues with a therapist? Maybe you need to spend a lot more time getting to know this new person so you can feel more confident, comfortable  and safe.

 

[Powerhouse8000]

On 11/18/2018 at 11:43 PM, jazz said:

Powerhouse, do you think you'd benefit from discussing these issues with a therapist? Maybe you need to spend a lot more time getting to know this new person so you can feel more confident, comfortable  and safe.

 

 

I neither have the time, nor the money

[Powerhouse8000]

So a quick update then.

On Thursday I met her for a game of bowling and pool. I'd had a super busy week through the week with loads going on. And after lots of cleaning and getting stuff ready, she came over to mine on Saturday.

But I went over to her place first, which is in a village directly north of the city that I live in. We had a Chinese takeaway, then we went to my dad's house strangely enough just to say hello because he was having a small party with his wife and a few friends.

Anyway, I introduced her to my family, and we ended up staying for about 3 hours. She kept on drinking more and more vodka while I drank non alcoholic beer. Eventually we got back to mine after midnight. She was drunk when she got back to mine, and she was quite clear about what she wanted.

After a little kissing the clothes soon came off and I was still kissing her, looking at her pretty face and blonde hair and blue eyes (which is a big plus to me) and feeling her soft curvy body, thrusting into her but not penetrating her. We tried blowjobs, titwanks, handjobs, and a variety of different sex positions. I also gave her oral by licking her pussy, fingered her cunt, licked her tits, and gave her several orgasms. I also tried using lube and took a viagra pill for the first time. It did nothing except make my heart beat faster and give me a red face. With my bed sheets soaking wet with her pussy juice, she eventually fell asleep and I followed.

In the morning I fingered her pussy again and made her cum one more time. I also had her run her hands up and down my body, then I wanked myself off and came all over her tits while holding her body with one hand.

And I had the problem that I feared: namely, an inability to penetrate the woman I wanted to fuck, to show her how attracted to her I am. My erections come and go. The viagra did nothing. We never used any condom. She was on the pill. And I failed completely in any sex position we tried to get my cock inside her pussy.

She's the 15th woman I've done sexual things with in my life. And the 15th woman I feel I've left sexually unsatisfied as a result of my physical failings.

Do you know how demoralizing it feels to want to be able to have sex with a woman, to show her how much you find her attractive, yet not be able to?

In addition to this, my work is causing me a lot of stress at the moment as well.

She texted me on Whatsapp last night to ask why I couldn't manage sex with her properly, and I had no good answer.

We're still talking, but she goes into hospital for an operation tomorrow.

These are difficult times.

We will see what happens.

But I really can't see a solution for my erectile dysfunction and inability to penetrate a woman sexually.

She's the 15th woman I've done sexual things with in my life. And the 15th woman I feel I've left sexually unsatisfied as a result of my physical failings?

Do you know how demoralizing it feels to want to be able to have sex with a woman, to show her how much you find her attractive, yet not be able to?

In addition to this, my work is causing me a lot of stress at the moment as well.

She texted me on Whatsapp last night to ask why I couldn't manage sex with her properly, and I had no good answer.

We're still talking, but she goes into hospital for an operation tomorrow.

These are difficult times.

We will see what happens.

But I really can't see a solution for my erectile dysfunction and inability to penetrate a woman sexually.

Sex is something that most men, probably most women as well, really look forward to.

But me?

I'm fucking terrified of it.

Why? Because I feel that I'll fail to perform, like always, and leave my partner disappointed like always.

I simply don't know how to penetrate a woman properly with my penis. I just find it impossible. And I feel there's no hope for me.

[Victimorthecrime]

You will have to see a urologist if you truly want an answer.  If not:

 

 

[Powerhouse8000]

Well we're still talking and still seeing each other.

But I sense that she is sexually dissatisfied with me.

I've got a woman that I'm attracted to that wants me, yet I can't do anything with my penis.

I think I have quite a deep rooted anxiety to be honest and always have done and I think that that is contributing to this.

All my mental problems are caused by anxiety, and the probable cause of anxiety, which has led to all of my other problems, is the fact that I was bullied at school.

Everything - the heavy drinking in the past, the self hatred, the paranoia, the obsessiveness, the inability to do things properly - comes back to this.

I'm probably making not much sense now, but I don't care as long as you get the general jist of what I'm saying

[Victimorthecrime]

Yes bullying negatively impacted my life as well.  As a child I was small and skinny and it made me a target.  Not that anyone gives a shit or ever did.  But of course my heart is supposed to bleed for everyone else or I'm a bad person. 

[Powerhouse8000]

Finished with her now

She was a selfish ignorant bitch anyway, I don't even care

But why can't I even have sex without losing my erection, or slipping my cock out, or not getting it in there in the first place.

As soon as I stop talking to one woman on Tinder there's another one that wants to talk, it's pretty much constant. But they are all fat

[Victimorthecrime]

There are 3 things that inhibit erection:  1) blood flood, which can be impeded by clogged arteries or by high blood pressure or other vascular disease 2) nerve damage in the perineum that can be caused by bicycle riding and 3) Low testosterone.  

I'm not a doctor and I am not making any diagnosis. Just sharing the medical information I have read.  

There was a time when it was believed that stress or other psychological problems could trigger impotence but that has been debunked.  

Will you continue to pursue wimin on Tinder or are you taking a break?

[Powerhouse8000]

Taking a break from Tinder

I masturbate to porn all the time, and have no problem getting an erection for porn, it's just when a real live woman is in front of me that I don't get an erection

How has it been debunked?

If you are going in there dreading the prospect of sex, and thinking about all these ideas and theories you've read about online... well of course you are going to be in a negative state of mind

For many years I hated myself for being a white male...

More recently I have simply been hating myself just for being male

Well, actually, here's how it worked

1. I was bullied in school (up to 2004)

2. I went out into the world, started normal, quite happy (2004-2008)

3. Began to hate people of certain ethnic backgrounds and women (2009-2012)

4. Began to hate myself for being a white male (2013-2016)

5. Began to hate myself for being male (2017-present)

I'm a fucking mess, I should just kill myself

[Powerhouse8000]

But I'm not going to

Posting on this forum always makes me more depressed, not less, so I will go away from here for just now

[Powerhouse8000]

I don't care about penis size, I don't care about masculinity, don't give a fucking damn

Being male is shit and I hate it, being a white male even moreso

In case you are wondering, I don't believe in "transgenderism" - that is I don't believe that humans can biologically change sex

That means you are born what you are and can't choose anything

[Powerhouse8000]

Actually, I'll tell you something...

I have a secret Twitter account and I post pictures of myself on it all the time. I never show my face, but just my body, and it's also non nude so all pictures of me are wearing at least something.

My self esteem is low as fuck, and I need self validation, that's why I do it

I am in a lot of ways quite feminine. Hate masculine things like football, getting dirty, etc. Even drinking I'm not interested in anymore. It's like, I've done all the masculine stuff in life and it doesn't appeal to me at all. What the fuck are you trying to prove and who are you trying to prove it to.

Even hate the fact that masturbation makes my bed sheets dirty.

[Powerhouse8000]

I am an absolute fucking mess, no one to talk to, no friends, nothing

No one cares

In this country you talk to your doctor they are just not interested

[Powerhouse8000]

Sorry, just went a bit crazy there, please ignore

[Powerhouse8000]

It's just like, my political beliefs used to be so far right, till I realised, even though I always knew, the far right is just a bunch of powerless impotent white male losers

But if you are born a white male you are born to lose anyway, at least genetically

What is the relationship between money and evolution?

[Powerhouse8000]

I hate myself SO MUCH, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY, for being a white male

Yet people are constantly saying about how you know like, white male privilege and shit

I should be pretty close to perfection

https://news.st-andrews.ac.uk/archive/study-finds-tall-35-year-old-men-appear-more-dominant-than-others/

https://medium.com/@tjpeters/i-hate-being-a-white-male-74d1ad85b04e

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/sep/05/straight-while-men-suffering-sex-feminism

But instead, it's just not like that

I hate how to such a large extent, a man's success in life is tied to his career

That, more than anything else, could tip me over the edge

[Powerhouse8000]

Look at me, I'm a fucking well paid cunt, I'm so STRESSED that I have to give £2000 to my financial dominatrix because I'M LIKE, STRESSED, MAN

https://bit.ly/2VGrkoZ

Fucking ignorant cunt

[Powerhouse8000]

Sorry about all this shit, by the way

Sometimes I just need to blow out all the craziness and shit

I'm not going to kill myself

[Powerhouse8000]

Read this website:

 

http://www.heretical.com/

[Powerhouse8000]

I know that I'm mentally ill and have no one to talk to about it

I talk to myself all the time, and have various OCD-type symptoms

When you question the meta-ethical principles that are the foundations of the moral framework of the modern West...

Actually, nah, fuck it, we should totally go to Greggs

[Powerhouse8000]

I'm off my rocker, mad as a hatter

Yes I know...

I've been mad for fucking years

[Powerhouse8000]

A lot of working class people live very simplistic, repetitive and highly unadventurous lives.

It's only the middle class people who take fancy holidays, have big cars, and nice houses.

Anything too exotic and adventurous, is only for the rich.

[Victimorthecrime]

How is that you were bulllied because I thought you are a big guy?