It Started As OCD

[tropic2234]

I am extremely confused. This all started with what I’m sure to be POCD. I say this because this all just started with a “what if”, not even with some sort of random groinal reaponse or anything. The evidence was tremendously in my favor of me not being a pedofile. However, almost two years later and I’m not sure about that anymore. In the passt few months it’s gotten much worse. I think it all started when my arousal to women went away. I mean, it had decreased when this first started, but not it is COMPLETELY gone. I can only get aroused by children and my girlfriend now. To keep it brief, through compulsions I’ve basically perfectly set my brain up to think that: I can’t be aroused by women, there’s no physical arousal so there’s no point in checking women out, and there’s no physical arousal thus I must be a pedofile. Only recently has checkingg for groinal responses intensified into masturbating because in my mind that’s the only thing I can get off to. When I start jerking off to my usual female porn I start thinking “no you can’t be aroused by this anymore” and “you would finish faster to a child”. So in the past week I’ve masturbated to children two times. The thing is, I don’t find children to be attractive. Their features are underdeveloped I don’t see how anyone can but I’ve taught my mind that this is the only true physical arousal I’m experiencing so this must be who I am. You know who I do find attractive-WOMEN! But, now everytime I do there’s no physical arousal and I’m met with a sense of defeat and incompetence. I don’t think I ever felt physical arousal as strong as the recent one to children, which disgusts me. However, I can’t remember what my labido was like before this all started so idk. I feel like it’s starting to get too late. Has my condition  morphed? Is it too late for me? Am i broken beyond repair?

[tropic2234]

I also think I don’t know what defines a sexuality. or what sexual attraction is or means. I don’t know anymore.