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Unknown21

I don’t know anymore.

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Hello, I’m new to the community and anyone that reads this - I thank you for even putting the effort forth. I’m gonna try to go in as much detail as possible, so get your popcorn I suppose...

I’d first like to say, this is new to me.. I never saw myself ever or even dreamed of ever coming online to get support but I honestly feel like I have no one and if this continues on, I just think i’ll end up doing something terrible. This is my last chance.

For the past year, I’ve been the down of the party as a metaphor of course. I cannot smile, I cannot laugh. I want to say I’m depressed but A) Who is to tell? and B) I don’t think I am or maybe i’m in denial. I used to be full of joy, I’d be the life of the room. I’d walk in and everyone would light up because of my perfect sense of humor. Now? People look away or feel awkward. I don’t have any sense of humor anymore, I think the best word for my emotion is “empty”, i’ve had some life events recently which i should have cried over, instead i felt nothing. Other instances i should have laughed but didn’t... More Recently I’ve been in situations where i’ve made a fake laugh just to make others around me not feel weird. It’s to the point of i have no emotion, and it’s ruining everything around me and I don’t know how to stop it. Writing this message alone if giving me this embrace of sadness which I haven’t felt at all in in months now. 

I suppose I should go further into myself and who I am... I’m currently a teenager and have been in a relationship for two years. I have lived with my partner for a year now. 

Two years ago, My father brought me on a trip with him ( he travels frequently ) that was supposed to last for two weeks. I ended up living in a foreign country for 4 months. I wasn’t exactly thrilled but after time I was a form of happy, I had evolved to my hotel life style and surroundings. Whilst this was happening, Behind my back - My father was issuing divorce motions to my mother. This was no surprise as my parents had been unhappy for some time at this point and had both discussed this happening. I was a tad upset but nothing serious, Life would move on... Right? When I got home, My house was the same but empty, My mom had moved out wnd it was only my sister, my dad and myself. He stopped traveling for some time after this and while this happened, My partner and I became closer. They lived above 12 hours away so it was long distance but we’d been together almost 5-6 months now so we decided it was time to meet. My father went on a business trip for two weeks and my partner came down. I honestly cannot recall a point in my life when I was anywhere close to as happy as those two weeks were. I’ve had issues throughout my life as anyone does, The constant feeling of being alone, barley any friends, etc. I forgot to mention my dad pulled me out of school in the process of moving me to another country. 

Regardless, Those two weeks were fantastic. My partner at the time was 18 and was ready to move out so they did just that. 2 months later, they moved here and a long story behind the housing but in short they ended up with a restaurant job and living in a hotel. We would sneak out, sneak around and have fun! it wasn’t anything bad and I was always safe. I’ve genuinely been a honest and safe person but my parents were never parents so I was never with friends or allowrd to do things. I stayed at hone for weeks on end, I was finally living my life and I was happy for that. a month went by, maybe two and they got a room at a friends house that we’d met months previously together. We continued the sneak outs and hanging out when no one knew type things. It was all well, Then they got kicked out and my father had met my partner introduced as my friend in the past multiple times. He’d trusted them and knew they were a good person, They ended up moving in and I’m unsure if this is the cause or if something else is going on so I ask no one automatically assume that this was the problem and is my problem. My entire life, i’ve had horrible anxiety, paranoia etc, This was for many reasons including my house being broken into while my dad was gone which to this day he will be gone for sometimes months in end and i’m here to fight for myself. Even when my mom was here, she was more worried about being out with friends and drinking then dealing with her kids. My sister and father had many issues against each other and she ended up moving out leaving just me, my partner and my father. 

My partner and I used to be happy and now I feel alone even tho we’re together whenevet they’re not working which is all the time.. I feel like i have no one, I keep getting these thoughts like who would care if i died? I have these dreams where I wake up screaming because i had been killed in an accident or sometimes i just have nightmares where I go the night my sister called me from her car after she was tboned by a car going 80mph on a highway, screaming and asking for help when there was absolutely nothing i could do, at this time it was just me and my sister in the house as my dad had been gone for 2 months. i’ve had ptsd from that for awhile.. or I have a nightmare about the break in when I was here alone, my sister was out with friends, and my dad was gone out of town.. When three men broke into my house, I jumped off my roof, fractured my foot and still ran for 1.4 miles to a family members house bleeding and screaming for help, no one ever came. before anyone says “call the cops” the family member i ran to called the cops and they found the men bht couldn’t link them so they got away. 

I feel lonely all the time, I feel like no matter what. I have no one, no one is coming to save me or help me. Even with my partner living here, i’m always scared. I wake up in the middle of the night terrafied for no reason, I get showers and have panick attacks for no reason, I see a car coming twords me on the road and I have panick attacks. 

I have applied for jobs everywhere to ultimately be denied even tho my interviews go great, i dress nice, nothing works. I have no money and I have to depend on others and pray they will help me have a bit of food everyday. 

I sit in my room everyday on my computer, Gaming and programming things, They keep me sain and keep me occupied and busy so I can stay calm.

One major thing which i’ve had for years is I have these moments ( i’ve NEVER told ANYONE about this ) i have these moments where ( and mind the fact that i don’t know how to explain this ) everything around me is moving a million miles an hour, even when i talk i feel like i’m speed talking, walking i feel like i’m running but in my head i feel like everything is slow motion and it lasts for hours sometimes and i’ve came to par witb it but recently it has become so frequent i have came out of it holding a knife ready to die. 

I have no one to talk to and i’m out of answers. I’m in love with my partner and they love me, but i’m pushing them away, I’m being extremely clingy and it is causing arguments and tensions which only make things worse. I have communication issues and i don’t know how or even what to say and explain how i’m feeling and as i’ve tried, i’ve said it wrong and caused confrontation. I don’t feel like i can go to them to explain my feelings because i don’t think i can go to anyone.

i don’t know what to do anymore and I really hope soneonr can lend just a few words of advice. Thank you so much.

ps: this was moved around ( timeline wise ) so much and i’m sorry for that. this wasn’t a planned rant but it’s 2am and i don’t know what to do

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@Unknown21 - wow I that is a lot happening in a short period of time.  Sometimes when that happens to me I need to "drop back 10 and punt" (an expression from American football) and just take a break, cool out, until such time as I reassemble myself and am ready to rejoin the battle.  

Take care of yourself first and try to focus on the positive.  It sounds like there are good things in your life so try to keep them that way and add to it.  

Let me know how it's going.  Good luck!  

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Hello, Unknown, welcome!

Thanks for describing your situation and experiences so thoroughly; it's always better to have a better picture than to have just a few hints! Of course, we couldn't "know and explain everything", even if you described much more, but I hope some new insights will be helpful to you.

11 hours ago, Unknown21 said:

want to say I’m depressed but A) Who is to tell? and B) I don’t think I am or maybe i’m in denial.

From what you describe, I'd say you definitely are depressed. Check at least these articles:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-you-dont-feel-anything-during-your-depression/

https://www.healthline.com/health/feeling-numb#quotes-about-feeling-numb

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201510/the-important-difference-between-sadness-and-depression

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320049.php

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prescriptions-life/201505/stop-numbing-out-and-awaken-your-life

https://worthyinside.com/i-feel-nothing/

some excerpts:

Quote

many people with depression don’t feel anything except for numbness or emptiness.

Dean Parker’s clients often describe a “thick feeling throughout their body.” Some describe feeling like they’re “covered in lead.” Others describe being “in a fog.” Still, others say things like: “I have no emotions,” “Nothing gives me pleasure,” “Nothing gives me joy.”

Quote

Through technology, we can have unlimited, easy access to materials which can over-stimulate and abuse our healthy dopamine production.

When we access these materials and get those dopamine surges, we distract ourselves and numb our emotions.

And seriously, we usually binge on these things when we are sad or disappointed.

But sadly, the medium is addictive.

We come back again and again to get those dopamine surges. We get them easily and we get to numb the heavy feelings. We go deep as novelty is never a problem in today’s world.

In the end, we will reach the point where we are numb and sad. And we will attempt to numb this sadness by going deeper. We will succeed. But then there will be more sadness. We will again try to numb it and bury it. And the cycle is repeated.

Not only choosing to numb emotions is a bad decision, but also we have devilish methods to numb them and to shut them down.

So, when you hear “numbing emotions”, don’t assume it’s only about swallowing bills or junking your arms. It can be very subtle and it can go under your radar.

Your also depression seems to be linked to your PTSD.

11 hours ago, Unknown21 said:

I ask no one automatically assume that this was the problem and is my problem.

In any case, wouldn't think your partner moving in "is the problem". As the onset of your symptoms coincides with this change in your life, I would rather assume, based on what you wrote, that it was a time when your life "was finally supposed to feel (even) better, safe, ...", so your subconscious mind finally "threw away" the previously useful defence mechanisms which had been protecting (or trying to protect) you from all the stresses and potential dangers in your life. But this uncovered the underlying problem and you were no longer able to hide (to yourself and others) how influenced you've been by all the "bad stuff" in your life. That's my hypothesis, but it's not very important; the coincidence might have been even totally accidental and this info wouldn't change much (if anything). What is important, though, is that when living with your partner, you have more occasions to enter in conflict with them, so your illness(es) (depression, PTSD) can "cause harm" more easily. I see that it's been very hard for you to try to explain this to your partner :( . But I'd encourage you to try to do it, so that you could cooperate better, have a stronger, healthier bond, work together to make you feel better and to make your relationship suffer less. A way to do it could be letting them read your post (and, perhaps, also our answers). It's often much easier to explain difficult, emotional, distressing things in a written form. And you don't even have to think of writing a letter, as you already have this post of yours, above.

12 hours ago, Unknown21 said:

 i’ve had ptsd from that for awhile

It seems to me that you probably might still have some degree of PTSD. If you haven't been in treatment for the first one, it's possible it still lingers, even if there weren't any new traumas. Have you researched some available help? Have you read more about the subject, to understand better what's going on? For instance:

https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/treatment

https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/ptsd-hotline/

https://elkrivertreatment.com/treatment/ptsd-treatment-center-for-teenagers/

https://www.npr.org/2012/08/17/159023437/ptsd-not-just-war-wound-young-people-suffer-too

https://www.adolescentgrowth.com/treatment-programs/mental-health/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/

http://www.ptsdassociation.com/mentalfitnessforteens/

Even if you're in a country where your psychiatric treatment and / or psychotherapy wouldn't be covered by your insurance, I'd urge you to try to find some kind of affordable professional help. It's been quite long since your suffering started! :( But it's not too late and the sooner you start getting help (professional therapy), the better; the sooner and easier you can get better.

Good luck!

And keep us posted!

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Thank you guys for such kind responses, I’ve been checking this regularly today ( whilste alone as usual ) 

I don’t often think of the past issues and events in my life so I don’t feel as I can say the PTSD is linked to the depression and just to note, I shouldn’t have called it PTSD, I haven’t been diagnosed and honestly I haven’t seen any doctors in almost 2 years, So I haven’t received help. 

I live in the U.S and the opportunities are there but they’re not cheap, and as I described.. I just cannot get a job so how would I pay for it? This along with the focus of being a minor, You must have parental consent for things like that which is where two problems come into play, 1 being that as described that my parents are rarely in my life and when they are it’s continuous “bs” to say the least and 2 I’ve spoke to my mom in hopes she’d help, briefly about my feelings and she couldn’t really care less. I would talk to my dad but he won’t even look at me without disgust in his eyes, More focused on his international relationship(s?)

I’ve researched slightly regarding Depression and PTSD symptoms but as I said, I feel as i’m in denial of the facts. 

I would show this to my partner but I’m far more scared of the reaction i’ll receive rather than the help I think i’ll need. My best bet is try to explain my feelings and hope it goes well, which I think after our discussion.. I may just do, I forgot to bring up that 3 nights ago, While asleep I punched my partner in the face and I awoken immediately after in extreme terror and unable to remember anything that had happened, I just knew something did happen. Do you think this could be at all a side effect?

I think I agree with your statement of the hiding from my fears. For so very long I had so much emotion and I had no way to express it. I don’t mean to get into conspiracy or talk about unrelated details but the country which I was moved to for 3 months is well known for spying on any american that stays in their country. I even found microphones and cameras in the hotel room, My phone died and never turned back on after i left the country which proves even further my fear my expression. Obviously no one wants random people to know their feelings so when I was there for however many nonths, I had no way to express my sadness and rarely any happiness as I was not alone most often and I am beginning to think this is where it started, with so much trumped up emotion and no where for it to go, i just started locking it away and pretending it wasn’t there then when I came home, It all came back but it was “empty” now?

 

I’m unsure how to proceed, Maybe I can speak to my partner and see if any good comes from it.

I’m honestly lost.

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Thank you for your clarifications and explanations!

I was probably wrong about the PTSD, but... it doesn't mean there wasn't a trauma (or even several traumas) in your life (even the situation in your family is traumatic, and the stay in the foreign country certainly is, too, even without some terrible incident). The "untreated" wounds accumulated during your life are now manifesting as depression and need to be addressed with a good therapist (or, before that, perhaps with a friend or partner who is able and willing to try to understand...). It's very sad that your parents aren't helpful at all. How long do you have to wait to be 18 (?), thus able to  see a doctor and/of therapist alone? BTW; even if your dad ignores your attempts to explain your needs to him, perhaps if you see a doctor or therapist  alone and then you just give a paper (consent form) to your dad to sign, he could do it, as it would be simple and your need of help would be thus confirmed by "an authority". I cannot know, of course; it's just an idea how it could perhaps be done.

Have you any news? Have you already got the opportunity to communicate with your partner about this?

Good luck, take care!

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