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Desolate Ronin

The Door I Never Talked About

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I don't why I'm finally addressing this or what caused me to bring this up, but I'm opening up a door that I have never opened before. I'm a 30 year old male , but when I was 12 years old, I was sexually assaulted by my middle school English teacher. She was in her early 60's, and I remembered when she first took interested in me. It was my first day in a new state and at a new school. I was born and bred from Chicago, Illinois but I had to move down to Texas with my mom and siblings after my parents split. I definitely stood out with my Midwest accent amongst the sea of the southern kids in a small Texas town. Anyways, my first class with this English teacher was overwhelming because she made me the subject of the discussion. She would always incorporate something about Chicago or use me as an example for the class. I thought it was weird at first, but shrugged it off, and went to lunch after class was over. So 15 mins later, and that English teacher asks if I would like to have lunch with her in her classroom instead of the cafeteria. I politely declined. Well, days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, and that teacher was still showing peculiar interest in me then one day, things escalated a bit. She caught me talking in her class, and so she immediately dropped the classroom discussion and diverted the classroom's attention to me. She asked me to get up out of my seat and move over to her desk and sit on the floor behind her desk. All my classmates suddenly became uncomfortable as well as did I. I told her no. She insisted that I find my way into the hall and to sit there until class was dismissed. After that, things went unsaid and I jetted to my next class. Twenty minutes into my history class, I get paged to the principal's office. I go to the principal's office and he sits me down to tell me that I'll be attending afterschool detention in my English teacher's room with my English teacher. I insisted no, and the Principal's reply was if I refused then it would be a week of suspension. I couldn't really afford that because how else was I going to explain to my mom about why I was suspended. So I accepted the afterschool detention, and I really wished I had gone with the suspension instead. This crazy woman had somehow switched her dress attire from casual teacher to borderline inappropriate revealing shortcut dress with the old lady hosiery. She would constantly gaze at me, much like a lion to a gazelle, and it was so creepy and uncomfortable, but I diverted my attention to my school work to kill the time. She got up from her desk and grabbed a sit right next to me. She looks at me and asks "Why do you insist on being a thorn in class, Mr. F?" My response was simply, "Well, I'm not trying to be. I just got distracted with another classmate, that's all." She leans in and looks into my eyes with a smirk, and says "Well, Mr. F...we're gonna have to stop this nonsense because it's distracting others." The same time she utters those lines, I can feel her hand slide onto my leg and over onto my penis. I felt discussed, violated, and grimy. The messed up part of it was she knew I was uncomfortable...….she could see it on my face clear as day.....and yet, she thinks I'm into it. After that, I felt ashamed. I thought to myself "Is this how older people especially women express themselves??" I went to my guidance counselor to see if I could get transferred to another English teacher but no dice. I couldn't tell anyone because how ashamed I felt towards myself, and the pure fact that one would believe me. I found myself very quiet in her class; making sure I didn't utter a sound or participate in class discussions, yet she would find a way to get to me. I dropped my pencil one day and my classmate bent over to pick it up for me. The English teacher accused me and my female classmate of disrupting class, so she made the girl wait out in the hallway until class was over and made me stay afterschool for detention. While I was doing my work she would whisper things into my ear like what she wanted me to do with her. She asked me to let her sit on my face which I always responded with a cold no. Finally when she knew I wasn't gonna give in, she hits me with a "Do what I say or else" card. She threatens to fail me unless I play. I was at a crossroads, because my reputation at the time was the class clown so my word wouldn't hold up against hers. At this time, I had three months of school, and at that point, I was tired of fighting it. So for the next three months, it was her pulling my pants down and tugging on my penis while cooing in my ear. It went even as far as her putting her underwear in my backpack with a message on it. Every time I saw her, I wanted to shower or at the very least put soap in my eyes. It was like the longest year of my life. By the next year she was moved over to the 6th grade learning annexes where I never really saw her again. I wish I could say that it stopped with her, but sadly no. It happened two more times with two different teachers. I often ask myself from time to time, what made me such an easy target. 

 

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