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mook2291

Still Struggling

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So about 2 years ago, I found out that my ex told some of my friends that I have a small penis. At the time when we broke up, I knew her friends were aware of my size, but not mine. A whole year went by of everything with my friends being normal after the break up. Then out of nowhere, I started to hear comments and jokes about penis size. At first I didnt think anything of it. Then it started to happen more and more. It seemed like everytime i was around my friends, penis size would come up in a conversation. Then the truth came out, most my friends knew. I was heart broken. I honestly wanted to die. I spent my whole life (I was 30 at the time, 32 now) hiding this fact about me. I made sure that my penis was never seen by friends or talked about that I was small. I am fairly tall, so that seemed easy to do. But now they knew and it seemed like there was more and more jokes. I remembered literally running from a party in tears because of it. I even went home, smashed my phone, and was so close to killing myself. I am not the biggest or the most religious person out there, but someone answered a prayer that night. I remember a friend calling me at 3 am. He said he was calling, but didnt know why. He is a friend that is not associated with my other circle. But for some reason he felt the need to call me. Maybe it was the alcohol that night that really set me off, but I feel like I was close to death, but that friend saved my life that night and I dont think he really knows. 

This is probably getting a little long... I will try and speed up the story. 

So a couple weeks later I end up meeting this amazing girl. She is the first girl that truly loved me for me. She never said one thing about my size or even felt the need to tell anyone about it. It was between us and that is how it should be. I waited a few months of dating her and to let things blow over with my friends before I really started to bring her around. When I felt like things should be better with my friends, we started to do more with them. Then the side comments about penis size just seemed to come back up again. I started to get depressed. I started to get angry. I started to hate my life and my relationship. I couldnt handle it anymore. I wanted my friends to understand my hurt, but I couldn't talk openly about my size as that would admit that I was small. I still had hope that maybe they dont know. Its like I had something to prove. 

Anyways, a little over a year later and I graduated. I had the opportunity to final leave my friends and move about 4 hours away. I was still with my girlfriend, but I needed to run away from my friends. I made it sound like this amazing opportunity and my gf agreed and we did a long distance relationship. For those 8 months, I felt so much better. I hated the long distance with my gf, but for months, I didn't feel ashamed of who I was. It was a new city, new friends, and I could have the biggest or smallest penis and no one knew or probably cared. 

Now go bring us up to date...

I had an amazing opportunity with my career to bring me back to the city of my gf and friends. I had to jump on it as it is one if those once in a lifetime opportunities. I was excited to be back. I was excited for my relationship. And I was excited to see my friends again. So I started to hang out with them a little more. I started to do more and more things with my friends. Now i am starting to feel like crap again. I guess I was hoping for things to go back to the way it used to be before they found out I was small. There wasn't any jokes or comments that I heard, I just feel like its a known fact in their heads that I have a small penis and it really makes me sad and angry. Its hard for me to describe it, but the thought of them still knowing hurts. Everytime someone laughs at something, I feel like its about me. Everytime someone talked to someone else, I thought it was about me. I'm starting to get paranoid. It's not a good spot to be in. 

I am sure everyone will say to stop hanging out with them and I know you are right. I just dont know how to let things go and stop trying to fix it. I feel like I don't owe them anything to even bring this up to them. I can just leave at any moment. Just hurts to think that I won't have friends but maybe that is what I need. 

I think it just feels better to tell everyone here my story. Thank you for listening.  

 

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Hi mook, welcome, just wondered do all the friends in this circle act the same or are some different/potentially more supportive? 

Good you found someone special who knows it's no one else's business.

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20 minutes ago, jazz said:

Hi mook, welcome, just wondered do all the friends in this circle act the same or are some different/potentially more supportive? 

Good you found someone special who knows it's no one else's business.

Some are supportive. I still want to be friends with a few, but it's hard because we tend to plan things with everyone. 

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12 minutes ago, mook2291 said:

Some are supportive. I still want to be friends with a few, but it's hard because we tend to plan things with everyone. 

It's up to you, but may be time to get selective, both within the group and about which invites you choose to accept. Somehow I think they will all soon get the message.  Could be worth trying.

Your 3am caller friend sounds like gold dust.

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Sometimes you have to leave behind life long friends to gain life long sanity. Not that it's easier anywhere else, eventually somebody would pick up on something and it'd all start again. But I did this exact thing with my old friends, it was them or me. I chose the latter. 

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All of my friends know I am small. Especially where I played football the bullying was getting bad. Right up until I broke the foot on a guy in a tackle.
He was kind of leader of the of the bullying.

When I cant sleep at night I think of crack I could hear when it broke........ sheer orgasm :)

But Agree with YOTH. Move away.

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