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Klingsor

5 years of spiraling insanity

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(((Klingsor)))

I'm sorry you feel this way :( 

I'm sure now it sounds unrealistic to you that the nightmare will disappear if you get yourself a chance to get help and enough time to get better. :(  Hang on, take care, one day at a time.

Would you like to write more, perhaps to vent a bit (or a lot)?

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Hi Klingsor. Has anything happened or changed recently? I know you have experienced recent loss. It's hard to constantly adjust to the shifting terrain that events can bring to our lives, isn't it? 🙁 That can make things feel muddled and confusing. We're listening if it helps to share more. Thinking of you.

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The problem Beth is that I have no real life human contact outside of work. Therefore I spend an unhealthy amount of time on the internet. Internet culture is the worst of human nature on full display. Being hypersensitive, I can’t deal with it.

It’s just another swing of the pendulum. If I can survive summer it’ll swing back and another year will pass and I’ll be one year older and staring at the same flat ocean in the same cramped boat complaint about the same things. Until the kraken finally catches up and eats me since I’m too lily livered to just jump as I e proven to myself.

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If you have no particular ties to where you are, do you think planning for a move to somewhere cooler and different would be a realistic option or not?

I saw a clip on TV a while back where a sports star confronted unsuspecting internet trolls after inviting them to a fake press conference - of course they behaved completely differently in person and were highly embarrassed. The anonymity of the net leads to people behaving like jerks.

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Yes Jazz you are right. I’ve come to the conclusion that the internet is an immense, labyrinthine social control and social engineering construct. A vast psychological operation. Controlled and managed by scattered gatekeepers. I truly think this was the purpose of some recent internet recruitment operations utilizing puzzles (cicada) - recruit suitable acolytes for initiation as these gatekeepers. One intended consequence is to drive vulnerable people insane and even to violence if possible. These trolls remind me of certain boys I went to school with who were always going to the website rotten.com and loved South Park. They don’t fit contemporary political labels and believe in nothing except their unbelief. Bots come into play to a greater sophistication than we’re led to believe I think. 

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Social control - maybe, certainly a way to make pots of cash for some.

Could potential 'baddies' who wanted that sort of control be organised and efficient enough to manage it? Nah, they'd stuff up, make loads of mistakes and get exposed in the end.

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Beth it wouldn’t help and I wouldn’t know how. I have extreme social anxiety. I’m 32 and the textbook definition of failure. The only people I’d be comfortable around are other failures, and if that’s the glue of friendship I don’t see how it can provide anything but negative validation. I’m dead flesh that reacts to an electric prod. There is nothing inside to express. Anyone that has achieved any form of self actualization or success I envy and don’t like being around them because it’s just a negative affirmation.

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There is a global infrastructure dedicated to driving vulnerable people of any extraction completely, irretrievably batshit insane and/or to suicide. Its only purpose is the pleasure derived from accomplishment.

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