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My close friend was murdered in february of this year and i’m thinking of committing suicide.

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in february of 2019 a close friend of mine was robbed and murdered for THC carts. i haven’t been able to be sober for a day since he passed. i lost over 20lbs (from 115 to 91) and just have overall not been doing okay.

i remember standing back to back because he always thought he was taller than me, you know? i remember the day he turned 18 he was so excited; he called me “minor” for a solid 2 months after his birthday just because he was an “adult” now. and i had this brown fuzzy jacket he used to call my “sheep coat” and he’d take it, ball it up on his desk, turn his head to look at me and fall asleep. it always smelled like him when he gave it back to me. i can’t get the smell of death out of my mind when i think of him now. 

i feel like i’m moving on too quickly, and at the same time not fast enough. like if this is grieving, i’m doing it wrong. i have a hard time recalling memories of us, the only things that stick out are the bad ones and those only make me feel worse. in the beginning, i couldn’t even remember if we were friends. i remember being so lost, confused and out of it. i couldn’t remember if he liked me or not. i couldn’t remember what my last words to him were (they were “i hate you,” by the way). i had to look at pictures of us to prove to myself that we were friends. that he didn’t hate me. so i guess i feel like i’m not part of it? like there were so many people who were closer to him, way closer than us, people who knew him since kindergarten, and here i am contemplating suicide over the death of someone i’ve known for 6 months... i feel like only a small amount of people are allowed to grieve after the first week or two, and the rest are just looking for attention. i have a hard time allowing myself to feel things and be vulnerable/open up to people.  

i heard the gun shot, my window was open. i heard the sirens and the train, everything. i remember saying to my friend, “well, someone just died.” and i can’t help but feel guilty for not checking up on him. but then again, how could i have known? but the thought of me doing something about it, saving him... how different things would’ve turned out. i could’ve done that. i could’ve saved him. but i didn’t. and now he’s dead. but i could’ve stopped it. and i don’t know how to forgive myself. i’ve fucked up in the past, but nothing like this. i was wrong. i was so wrong about him. he wasn’t like the others, he didn’t want to leave. i kicked him out of my life before he could kick me out of his because of what some shitty sophomores did to me years ago. 

i still feel his fingers on my back every time i put my head down. i still hear his voice whisper in my right ear, “why are you mad?”

i’m in love with him, i’ve been in love with him for a long time now and he expressed interest in me, too. i remember him tickling me the first day we met, and i remember the day before he died he walked up to me, playfully pushed my head,  smiled at me and walked to class. that was the last time i saw him alive. 

i don’t know how to deal with something so painful, i’ve never lost anyone before. i’ve had depression since i was 12 so it’s not a new feeling to me but i don’t think i’ve ever been closer to actually committing suicide before. i told a close friend and the teacher who’s class i had the boy in about everything that happened, but it’d take me lifetimes to get through the entire story. 

it hurts my heart to think that anyone could ever hurt him. i remember walking up to his casket and not even recognizing him over the bruises and swelling. it didn’t even look like him because the family was so shocked that they put off the funeral for a week and a half and still had an open casket. i’m so confused, i don’t understand where he went. i just want to kill myself and find my best friend and make sure he’s okay. everything is wrong and it can never be right again because the only person i’ve ever found who i’ve actually connected with is dead and there’s no way to bring him back. living has become an endless cycle of hell; the only reason i’m still here is because my mom told me she would kill herself if anything ever happened to me or my siblings, we don’t really have a relationship, and my friends. i don’t know what to do.

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Hello and welcome!

I'm sorry this has happened and you're suffering so much :( . Many difficult feelings caused by many complicated circumstances of your life and of your relationship... :( 

First of all, I'd like to encourage you to think, every time you feel very suicidal, about your mom: She would suffer in a very similar way as you do now, if she lost you. By staying alive, you can spare her that terrible, excruciating experience, and you also give yourself a chance to get better. 

Yes, "getting better" may now sound impossible, but that's because of your mental problems (as you probably know, one of symptoms of depression is that you tend to think it's impossible to improve your mood / life) and because of the very complicated grief that you're experiencing. You had a nice close connection as well as some intimacy/vulnerability issues in this friendship, you had also already had other reasons for depressive moods and thoughts; all this adds up and makes it so difficult. But there are many kinds of complicated grief and it's possible to get help, to 'work throughout' it, to process it, to find a healthier way to grief, to slowly find something like "peace of mind".

Professional help could also help you with your intimacy/vulnerability issues so that you'd become able to maintain meaningful close relationship in future, not repeating the same pattern of ("preventive) abandonment of someone you don't want to lose. ( -> Here I'm referring to your: "i was so wrong about him. he wasn’t like the others, he didn’t want to leave. i kicked him out of my life before he could kick me out of his because of what some shitty sophomores did to me years ago. ") Most importantly, you need help to get rid of your feeling of guilt...

5 hours ago, x.x.x said:

i can’t help but feel guilty for not checking up on him. but then again, how could i have known? but the thought of me doing something about it, saving him... how different things would’ve turned out. i could’ve done that. i could’ve saved him. but i didn’t. and now he’s dead. but i could’ve stopped it. and i don’t know how to forgive myself.

Those thoughts are, sadly, natural; we would all prefer to prevent some terrible things/events and in some particular cases, we blame ourselves for not having done so, mostly because it's somehow easier for our brains than admitting we couldn't have done anything. I thinks it's related to this kind of fallacy, 'although' you don't blame him for getting shot, but yourself for not doing something to keep him alive, and you punish yourself (by all the feelings of guilt etc.) for failing, although you couldn't have done anything, in reality: https://psychcentral.com/encyclopedia/just-world-hypothesis/ But mainly, it's related to the human illusion of control: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illusion_of_control

If you have, at least sometimes, enough energy to read, I would recommend you to learn more about complicated grief, for instance here:

https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/professionals/complicated-grief-professionals/overview/

https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/blog/help-someone-complicated-bereavement-fostering-understanding-seeking-treatment/

https://www.talkspace.com/blog/finding-help-complicated-grief/

But, most importantly, I encourage you to search for professional help (psychotherapy, or, at least, counselling); there should be "something out there", accessible for you (you might start by school counsellors/psychologists, if I understand well that you're still studying).

Good luck and take care!

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my teacher was worried about me so she contacted the school counselor and told her her concerns. i talked to her about hearing the gunshot and she told me a lot of people were also having issues graduating because practically everyone in the school knew him. i can’t tell my mom anything because she would make my life significantly harder and more of a living hell than it already is, so i can’t get real therapy.

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thc carts are carts of pure thc (active ingredient in marijuana that gets you high). the four people who murdered him are also friends with all of my friends, as if this situation couldn’t get any messier. 

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11 hours ago, Victimorthecrime said:

What are THC carts?  

Do you have other friends that knew this man and are also grieving?  

I love the story about the sheep coat. I am sentimental like that too. 

^ explanation above.

 yes, the entire school was in shock. he was in my eighth hour, there’s another boy who sat right next to me and him and who was part of our group. 

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1 hour ago, x.x.x said:

i can’t tell my mom anything because she would make my life significantly harder and more of a living hell than it already is, so i can’t get real therapy

I'd supposed you were above 18 based on:

17 hours ago, x.x.x said:

i remember the day he turned 18 he was so excited; he called me “minor” for a solid 2 months after his birthday just because he was an “adult” now.

If you're over 18, you don't need parental consent for therapy, so I'm not sure I understand your reasoning (is it that you don't want her to know about it but she would because she is the one whose insurance would pay for the therapy?).

Anyway; I'm curious why you presume she would make your life more of a living hell if she knew. Would you like to let us know more about your relationship (with her), your 'situation' (how does she make your life hard)?

1 hour ago, x.x.x said:

she contacted the school counselor and told her her concerns. i talked to her about hearing the gunshot

But did you tell her more? It's possible she thinks you only suffer some mild PTSD due to the shooting, while your problems are much more complex. Perhaps the school counselor can actually do more for you than it seemed from your one (?) visit / conversation, even though she doesn't offer psychotherapy. Would you be willing opening up to her more?

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X.x.x, I am sorry for your loss. You are grieving and this can be an immensely painful experience. There is also trauma around the loss because of the way your friend died. 😞 I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be to lose a loved one this way. Try, if you can, to care for yourself through all of the feelings. It's okay to feel anything you feel, you are trying to process what happened. Please keep talking and sharing if you feel that is a need, write, cry, scream, reach out to friends.. Sending care to you.

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5 hours ago, LaLa said:

I'd supposed you were above 18 based on:

If you're over 18, you don't need parental consent for therapy, so I'm not sure I understand your reasoning (is it that you don't want her to know about it but she would because she is the one whose insurance would pay for the therapy?).

Anyway; I'm curious why you presume she would make your life more of a living hell if she knew. Would you like to let us know more about your relationship (with her), your 'situation' (how does she make your life hard)?

But did you tell her more? It's possible she thinks you only suffer some mild PTSD due to the shooting, while your problems are much more complex. Perhaps the school counselor can actually do more for you than it seemed from your one (?) visit / conversation, even though she doesn't offer psychotherapy. Would you be willing opening up to her more?

we don’t have a casual relationship, i can’t really talk to her about anything. she worked all through my childhood so i never really developed a bond with her. she’s insane, irrational and over controlling. i try to reason with her but she just screams until her voice starts to crack. she’s punched multiple holes in my door. she stresses me out to the point of tears sometimes by just talking to her. one time i had to leave for work in 10 minutes and she got mad at me, took my keys and my car, drove it to an abandoned lot and wouldn’t tell me where so i had to call my boss to explain. she’s paranoid (thinking people stalk me all the time) and has to constantly monitor my location. i am uncomfortable with her knowing anything personal about me. if she knew any of this, all of the things she’s doing now will increase 10000X and she would be breathing down my neck,  make me have my door open 24/7, monitor my bank account, not let me hang out with my friends who she claims are “bad influences” but they’ve literally been there for me through this and they’re the only reason i’m still alive in the first place. 

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1 hour ago, IrmaJean said:

X.x.x, I am sorry for your loss. You are grieving and this can be an immensely painful experience. There is also trauma around the loss because of the way your friend died. 😞 I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be to lose a loved one this way. Try, if you can, to care for yourself through all of the feelings. It's okay to feel anything you feel, you are trying to process what happened. Please keep talking and sharing if you feel that is a need, write, cry, scream, reach out to friends.. Sending care to you.

thank you. i needed this

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