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YOTH

My Friend Tom

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As many of you already know, my friend Tom who I met in this forum died last year after taking his own life. What many of you won't know, is that not only did he kill himself, but he also murdered his wife. When it happened I was in complete shock, they were most loving couple I'd ever had the pleasure to know. This news was immediately met with an unfair and ignorant backlash from people and news outlets, who didn't know him or his wife calling him a wife beater and an abusive husband. This couldn't have been further from the truth, he was an amazing and loving husband who would have done anything for his wife, but after 4 days without sleep (Insomnia caused by a new medication he was on) he had a major psychotic episode. What makes this whole event so sad, was on the night he murdered his wife and to took his own life, he was at the A&E begging to be sectioned. But he was told to go home, even though a nurse had highly recommended he be sectioned for his own safety. Hers and Tom's wife's pleas fell on deaf ears and the mental health team cut him loose. By 9am, they were both dead. 

After many months of inquests, the coroner found that the NHS was at fault and Tom was ruled to have had diminished responsibility. Massive avoidable failings were brought to light during the inquests, and the nurse on call that night even testified that the mental health team had not only failed them both, but had actually laughed when his wife mentioned his penis anxiety. 

SPS slowly wore Tom down until I didn't even recognise him. 4 days with no sleep was just too much...a culmination of societies apparent God given right to torture another human being over something he couldn't help.

After the ruling, his wife's family finally knew the truth and they were buried together. 

I miss him. 

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That's so terrible and so very sad :( :( :( ...

And... they laughed at SPS??? SPS should be a part of the standard curriculum for all medicine students - how come it is not?? (A naive question, I know :( ...)

Thank you for sharing the truth with us.

I wish all people working at A&Es learn about this and never let something like that happen again.

How do you feel, YOTH, how are you coping?

Take care.

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On 6/28/2019 at 5:31 PM, LaLa said:

That's so terrible and so very sad :( :( :( ...

 

I'm ok, I've done a lot of forgiveness work, a few times over. I don't want the rest of the year to be a focus on what went wrong. He was worth more than grief and mourning, so I'm trying to remember them both exactly how they were before. I just really don't want another guy to feel like he has nobody and do something permanent because of sps. 

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12 hours ago, YOTH said:

It's pretty messed up. 

Horrible!

On 6/28/2019 at 3:31 AM, YOTH said:

 But he was told to go home, even though a nurse had highly recommended he be sectioned for his own safety. Hers and Tom's wife's pleas fell on deaf ears and the mental health team cut him loose. By 9am, they were both dead. 

What does "sectioned" mean?

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5 hours ago, Under5 said:

Yoth, the story is so sad.  I hope you are okay.

I'm ok now, it took a while. Going back to Edinburgh this Christmas, it'll be 2 years since I last saw him there, thought I'd let some balloons off. I still miss him, but I'm in a better place with it, as good of a place as I can be. 

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On 6/28/2019 at 12:31 PM, LaLa said:

SPS should be a part of the standard curriculum for all medicine students - how come it is not?? (A naive question, I know :( ...)

Here in the States, psychology is taught for one semester in medical school and offered as an elective.  Body dysmorphic disorders are covered, however, SPS was not part of the curriculum at the time I went to medical school. I am doubtful that it is covered, except for an inclusion on a list of BDDs in the OCD category.

Very sad story. I wonder which medication perhaps led to this.

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3 hours ago, Toosmallforcomfort said:

I wonder which medication perhaps led to this.

 

On 6/28/2019 at 2:31 AM, YOTH said:

the nurse on call that night even testified that the mental health team had not only failed them both, but had actually laughed when his wife mentioned his penis anxiety. 

 

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It has been clearly documented some individuals that exhibit suicidal ideations do not commit suicide ironically due their severe depressive state. Once they start antidepressant treatment, they can soon after get up enough gumption to actually succeed. I'm not saying that this was the situation, however, this is a well known issue. Clearly, the psychological care at this institution majorly f***** up.

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@Toosmallforcomfort He was getting by with about 4 hours sleep a night on a good day before it was prescribed, so the extra insomnia tipped him over the edge. Still fucks me up if I dwell on it too long. Hard to accept when you knew the kind of guy he was, so avoidable with the right care, the right care on the night would have been enough but they failed him at every turn. 

This was the first medication he'd been given, so they should have been monitoring him closely. It's a waste of two nice and decent human beings. 

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@YOTH, sorry for such a "out of topic" questions, but I'm curious and it's intriguing: How do you know about all those details of that night, who told you? I don't ask for a name, of course, just... who was there to see / hear it and then to tell you, Tom's friend (not family), although it's sensitive information. If it was some doctor present at the ER, he/she would probably (?) try to "hide the ugly truth about the ER / medical profession", wouldn't (s)he? So who was willing to inform you about the behaviour of the people who "received" them that night? Someone from the police who investigated it?

And; is it (the coroner's report) public information now or you know because you had special relationship with Tom (or the coroner)?

I wonder if "people" see it and take some lesson...

Edited by LaLa

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@LaLa His best friend was the only other person who gave a shit, he knew as many details as I did in the beginning, we both couldn't understand it. But as more information came to light he kept me informed. He also gave the police my number so I told them as much as I knew, which wasn't much. I searched for him on Facebook at first and thankfully found him on a tribute page.

The medical failures came from the tribunal held to find out how it happened and why. After being unjustly labeled a wife beater, his friend went on to BBC radio 4 after the tribunal and put the facts straight. 

Everything that happened is in the public domain, most of it was in the papers. But the real gritty details came out during the investigation and his friend told me a lot of it. I still stay in touch with him occasionally, he sent me a picture of their graves next to eachother. At least they were put to rest together.

 

 

IMG-20190415-WA0013.jpg

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On 12/5/2019 at 1:58 AM, KlingBro said:

This whole affair fills me with incredible rage. I’m sorry for your loss.

I just try and remember the good things about him, I've felt enough rage to last a lifetime. 

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