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Jktw

I’m New and Looking For A Bit of Guidance.

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I’m honestly not quite certain how to start this, but I just discovered this site and think that I might be in need of just some advice right now. (Sorry in advance for the super long post) I’ve never been on this site before, but I’ve been on websites like this. They were just communities where you posted about something you needed help with and people could reply. Many of them weren’t very active with replies and just weren’t good for me, and one I was on when I was around 16 or 17 years old. When my parents found out that I made an account they were so upset with me and thought that what I was doing was dangerous, and I was so ashamed that I never went on again and deleted everything I had to do with it. Parts of me think that it really just propels some of my bad habits, but considering that I am now 20 and keep thinking about it and coming back I think it was helpful in someway. 

I don’t know what I need help with at this point or what exactly is going on with me, but I’m tired of being like this all the time. Everywhere I go I feel like I’m the weird one, no matter where it is. In my family I’m the one that’s kinda crazy cause I like different things, and even though I’m smart I’m the kind of person that doesn’t always get the joke or understand what your saying right away. I can’t stand the sound of bottles crinkling or people chewing, and every time I’m just told to stop making a big deal about it. In middle school I sat alone all year cause people were making rumors about me and I was too nervous to sit next to someone. In high school people thought I was mean because I didn’t talk to them, when in reality I was too scared to. In college I’m just outright invisible. I only have one person that I’m really truly friends with and we have been for a long time, but it took a good three years for any sort of interaction to actually happen at all. I’m just flat out scared and uncomfortable talking with people, and it’s gone on for so long in my life that it seems like a normal thing now but it sucks. I’m always so worried that I won’t make sense or will sound so ridiculous that I won’t even try to talk to anyone. I’ve always been the person that will sit in class for two hours with bad gum because I’m too scared to just stand up and throw it away (which is unfortunately a true story).

Lately just everything puts me on edge, and I don’t know what to do about it anymore. Some days I’m fine and some days I actually wish that I could just burst into tears and cry. I don’t sleep anymore, not because I can’t but because I don’t want to. I don’t want to sleep cause when I wake up I have to deal with everything all over again. I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is anxiety or what, but I’m so tired of it. It’s been like this my whole life but I’m tired of being nervous and too afraid to just live my life with other people. Even now it’s 3:15 in the morning and even though I know that I need to sleep I just don’t want to. It feels like there’s a ball of tightness in my chest that just won’t go away. 

Super long explanations aside I just need advice. I can’t live like this forever, but I don’t know what to do about it. 

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Hello, @Jktw, welcome! :)

Don't worry about the length of your posts - it's always good to vent as well as give the readers enough information! :) I hope you'll find here a welcoming environment that will help you to gain new insights and more forward, get some effective help!

7 hours ago, Jktw said:

Everywhere I go I feel like I’m the weird one, no matter where it is. In my family I’m the one that’s kinda crazy cause I like different things, and even though I’m smart I’m the kind of person that doesn’t always get the joke or understand what your saying right away.

It has to be difficult to be "different", but it's not necessarily "a bad thing" - I hope you already realize that. It's challenging, but possible to find the positive sides of your "difference". 

7 hours ago, Jktw said:

I can’t stand the sound of bottles crinkling or people chewing, and every time I’m just told to stop making a big deal about it.

I hope it'll help to know it's a known condition: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misophonia

Perhaps you could find articles that explain it (also with personal testimonials of fellow sufferers) and give / sent them to your family members. Also, such articles might give you some practical advice to cope better with the problem.

7 hours ago, Jktw said:

I don’t sleep anymore, not because I can’t but because I don’t want to. I don’t want to sleep cause when I wake up I have to deal with everything all over again.

I wish you to stop with this sleep-avoidance immediately. Lack of sleep (not enough sleep) is very damaging to the brain and triggers mental as well as physical illnesses. You're lucky so far that you're not insomniac, so take advantage of it and get as much sleep as you can! You need it to feel better and to face all the challenges and problems of everyday life!!!

From what you describe, it seems plausible to me that you also suffer from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder

In any case, it would be ideal to address all your issues with a good therapist. To start, you may talk to a psychologist / counsellor at your college. You deserve to get much better and live without all these anxieties and insecurities! It'll be probably a long journey to wellbeing, but it's worth it and the sooner you start, the better.

Good luck and keep posting!

Edited by LaLa

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@Jktw mostly likely your school has a counseling center.  Also call the customer service # on your health insurance card. Get names of psychiatrists & mental health centers & schedule an assessment.  To me some of what you wrote sounds like something on the autism spectrum.  Pursue it. Don't let it get the best of ya. 

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