NewHere Posted August 3, 2019 Report Share Posted August 3, 2019 Hello there, I usually don't like to share my problems with strangers but I am feeling like my husband's family brings the worst in me, especially his mother. First of all, I apologize for my grammar. I was raised in Europe and English is my 2nd language.. I married my husband 11 years ago. Our marriage was a bit rocky, lots of problems and unnecessary drama but we sort things out and moved on. I guess his mother didn't. First of all, I always been very respectful and polite to my mil and tried to please her so she will like me. It all started when we got married.. I should probably never add her to our Facebook because the moment she found out we got married she started drama with my husband's cousin about how I'm goldigger and I will end up leaving him for a rich man. (11 years later i'm still happily married), she also asked my husband's first love to add him on facebook for not particular reason just to stir stuff up. I am not against his exes or anything but I didn't understand reasoning behind it. My husband asked her to stop causing drama. She emailed me apologizing for everything and how God always forgives his children. Yes, she is extremely religious. I let it go as I wanted her to like me. I toally understand her fear and even she called me a goldigger I was understanding. There are people who do this but not me. My husband received his orders to go back to the states so he wanted to go back to His family and officially introduce me to them. When we met, she was nice to me. Played a victim card very well, made me feel bad about how my husband treated her as a mother. She is on her second marriage, my father in law divorced her about 20 years ago but she still mentioned to me how her ex husband cheated on her etc etc. I felt bad for her, I did. She made me hate my fil, because how he "treated" her. We stayed there maybe 2 weeks. Moved to new house. Everything was great. I got pregnant and had my baby. She was very happy for us. We found out that hubby had to go to Cali for a 5 weeks to get his certification. His mother invited us to stay with her for those 5 weeks. We just had a baby, I thought she would help me take care of her and It will give her some time with granddaughter. Oh how wrong I was. We got there and everything was okay until hubby left for training. Everything I was doing was wrong, I should cover myself up because people can see my breast. ( i was breastfeeding, breast grows when you are pregnant, also it was too hot, it was 100 or so where she lives with no A/C in her house) no I wasn't running naked, I wore dresses and tank tops.She called me a whore because I talked to a security officer who checked my id when we went on post, my mother was a whore for raising me.I was shooshed and called stupid. She said she will take me downtown and show me where prostitutes are because I look like them. She hit my 6 months for spilling baby food on the floor. For 5 weeks I was constantly called a whore because some guys smiled at me or talked to me. She bullied me to the point I refused to eat and I got sick. She refused to buy my child formula because she wouldn't go to Wal-Mart when I was sick because i suppposed to brestfeed my kid. I wasnt eating enough to produce milk. I ended up in the ER and begging my husband to come back because I was afraid she might hurt my child. I asked doctor to let me go home since I couldn't bare leaving my 6 months old with her. It was the worst 5 weeks of my life. Yet, she still pretended like nothing happened. She warned my husband to be careful because I'll cheat on him. I haven't talk to her since then, we talked maybe once and she became toxic again and I just refuse to talk to her. You see because of her I start greying and having panic attacks. . She always has been very negative towards me, through Facebook comments or just when we were on the phone. I decided that removing her from my life is the best option but unfortunately I can't get rid of her. She still calls my husband and talks to him.When I hear her on the phone I start to get angry and bitter and become resentful towards my husband. She texted my husband that she never knew how we are because I deleted her for making a comment. I deleted her because I feel like she brings lots of negative feelings in me and I just want to have a peacfull marriage.and life . If it comes to her graundaughter, she is only grandma on Facebook just for the show. She doesn't call or talk to her. When hubby calls her she barely talks to her my kid doesn't even care for her. . So my questions are am I wrong for wanting her to be out of our life? How do I approach this whole situation? How can I heal from all of this? How do I stop all those negative feelings when hubby is on the phone with her? Thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted August 3, 2019 Report Share Posted August 3, 2019 Hello and welcome! I'm sorry you've got to deal with such a terrible person . It's good you've finally started trying to get some help / support for yourself (by writing here), even though I would have recommended it much sooner; perhaps part of the troubles might have been avoided. But I'm not blaming you, I'm just sorry you had to live thought (mainly) those awful 5 weeks with her. You haven't mentioned your husband's relationship to her, nor how he perceives this situation - her behaviour towards you and how it's been affecting you. How would you describe his perceptions, preferences, and opinions in this context? I just hope he's fully on your side and will help you with the changes you need. Although the so far worst experiences (those 5 weeks) are already a past, she's still hurting you too much and I would definitely suggest you to protect yourself from further harm and even, if possible, to get (professional) help for the damage already done. 14 hours ago, NewHere said: How can I heal from all of this? How do I stop all those negative feelings when hubby is on the phone with her? This is why I'd suggest psychotherapy (or counselling). You might be able to achieve it on your own, but good professional help would be very useful. 14 hours ago, NewHere said: am I wrong for wanting her to be out of our life? How do I approach this whole situation? My opinion is that you should cut any contacts with her to a minimum (or zero, if possible). Perhaps arrange, with your husband, his phone-calls (with her) to take place only when you're not home (/'around'). And here are some articles that might help you with figuring out your own answers to your questions: https://turnerpsychologycalgary.com/toxic-relationships-with-family-members-when-to-quit-counselling-articles/ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/heres-how-to-deal-with-toxic-family-members https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/mental-health/how-to-handle-a-toxic-family-member https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one/ Take care and good luck! jazz 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted August 7, 2019 Report Share Posted August 7, 2019 Hello, NewHere, and welcome to the community. I'm sorry you went through this. 🙁 Your mother-in-law's behaviors were abusive. I think sometimes it can be best to cut someone out of your life, especially when it has affected your mental health and well-being. It can be a very difficult and complex situation when someone from your family who you love is tied to another person who is abusive and cruel. Have you spoken with your husband about what happened and how you feel? I hope he has been understanding and supportive of your needs. I had a situation in my life some years back when a loved one was involved with someone who was manipulative and abusive. I struggled too and eventually had to remove that person from my life. In my case, though, life circumstances helped me to be able to do that. Sometimes we have to protect ourselves and it's okay to do that. I agree that talking with a mental health professional could be helpful. Reaching out here has been a first step. I hope you will keep sharing if it helps to talk more about your feelings. If not here, with a therapist, friend or family member. I wish you wellness and healing. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewHere Posted August 7, 2019 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2019 Thank you guys. Well, my husband, he says he supports me and understands me but sometimes we have arguments about his mother. I am sure it's pretty hard to be between a mother and a wife. But I believe since she is his mother it's his job to tell her to stop bit disrespectful. You see this is what bothers me. He tells me to stand up for myself and when i do try to stand up for myself he tells me that I need to calm down. For example, we came visit her few years ago and decided to stay in the hotel because we had lots of luggage ( we were moving overseas). Also, I feel like we are nuisance in her home and she started to get a bit upset when we were there. So when she found out we were staying in the hotel she started to cry and getting angry with me and playing a victim. Naturally, I would be quiet and let it be like husband always do when she " fake cries" but this time I stared to get upset with her. We literally had to sit on the couch like bunch of 12 years old and listen to her cry and guilt tripping us. So I told my husband that I can't do this anymore and I am about to start. He told me to keep my mouth shut. This is what I don't get it. He had a text message few days ago about how she never know where we are ( we moved to NC) she always has to find out what we are up to from his family members. She is upset because I deleted her on Facebook for making a stupid and toxic comments. She is only Grandma on Facebook so her family can see it. She admmited to making comments and she didn't mean to upset me and wasn't prepared to get deleted. He called her back few days later but she never picked up. When I asked my husband how he is going to explain to her why she got deleted he said he will play like he didn't know she got deleted. You see I feel like he is afraid of confrontation because she has this ability to turn his family against us. She already turn everyone against me. I am this point that deleting Facebook seems like a great idea. I question myself about this marriage and if I was more happy if we just got divorced. I love my husband and we are truly happy and but then there is his mother who has to step in every aspect of our life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted August 14, 2019 Report Share Posted August 14, 2019 Hello again and sorry for not replying sooner! I'm sorry it's so terribly complicated! It seems the problem is not only your MIL, but also your husband, at least when it comes to dealing with her. He should be more on your side and, mainly, trying much more to understand your point of view! On 8/7/2019 at 6:07 PM, NewHere said: I question myself about this marriage and if I was more happy if we just got divorced. I love my husband and we are truly happy and but then there is his mother who has to step in every aspect of our life. I see that the current situation may make you think about divorce . However, if your MIL is the only serious problem, it sounds like... well, you know. There should be other ways. One of the reasons of my late reply is that I didn't know 'what to suggest'. The only advise I have for you is to persuade your husband to start marriage counselling. Of course, first you should probably try to explain to him, really in details, what your problems are and how his reactions to them have been affecting you and your marriage, so that he would understand the point of the counselling: To find a way how to "deal with" your MIL without endangering your marriage. What do you think? Good luck!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted October 22, 2019 Report Share Posted October 22, 2019 Hello again! How have you been doing in the meantime? I noticed, by chance, excerpts of a "reality show" called "Monster in-laws" on YouTube. Perhaps watching them might bring you some insights. For instance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=js-b-zchayU&list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM&index=3 https://youtu.be/3jOKHgKPiw0?list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM https://youtu.be/hMZKpFwrqtY?list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM https://youtu.be/fee89ki8JhQ?list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM "trailers": https://youtu.be/d7zBMHW7JyI?list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM https://youtu.be/imnczaqeprA?list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM https://youtu.be/dQZS6M66Z8g?list=PLWM30ekX3EBa92RYubyJitPEosc7yKwlM Take care! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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