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Josephine2505

Should I force myself to move on? Or is there any hope left?

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Hello,


this is gonna be a long read with all my heart poured into it. So please forgive and thanks for taking the time to read.


I was happily in love with my fiance (28) for the past 2 years. We had a good relationship in my opinion. We weren't perfect, but there was nothing majorly wrong in my eyes. The usual senseless couple fights, a few disagreements and one fight that apparently changed it all for him.


For me, everything was exciting with him. He came from another country to live with me, he had nothing when he came here, but we built us a life together. I helped him find a job he fancies, we moved into a fantastic flat and I am just about to finish my education and help us live some of our dreams with more money coming in. We went on dates, he made me laugh, the sex was fantastic...for me it was a dream come true.


In February he proposed. To be completly honest. It was a mess and the point were everything turned bad. We had a holiday planned to Disney World in Paris in January (he originally came from France) and we discussed wether we meet up with his family or not. In the end we both said we shouldnt (cuz other friends came with us too!) and we would take another holiday to visit his family properly. A few days before the travel...his best friend suddenly asked me if there was still a spot in the hotel for my fiance's sister. I was...upset..disappointed. We had an agreement and I felt betrayed. I talked to him and he said it is a non issue...it turned into a huge fight and in the end he revealed why his sister was needed to be present...

He wanted to propose and she was supposed to deliver his Mom's ring and were to witness it (like filming it...)


I was devastated..angry.. I wanted to just dissappear from the face of the earth. He was very upset with me and started questioning the whole relationship from that point on (which he didnt show tho or talk about.....). He told me that later on.


He still went through with the proposal on Valentine's Day...it wasn't good. It wasn't meaningful...it felt very forced and not natural...but I said yes because I did love him and I felt guilty. I messed up my dream proposal, I didn't feel like I deserved more at that point.


Things continued to be quite normal in my opinion. Some more fights than usual and I did start to make the occasional joke about the proposal...I guess I was hurt (he basically didn't ask the question, just popped the ring, while  the TV was running in the background)... He did cook a fancy dinner tho and there were roses everywhere...it wasn't horrible..it was just disappointing to what I felt like he had prepared for Disney.


It's my fault for making those jokes, but he started to resent me for it. Blaming himself he could have done better. At least that's what I think.. He never really talked about how he felt or what problems he was dealing with.


In April then... I landed in the hospital. I was diagnosed with MS and it was a shock for me. He tried to cheer me up, but in the end he didn't even visit me on the weekend. (Fair I told him not to come, beacause the hospital wasn't close from home...but I obviously didn't wanna be alone either...) I saw that he made a reddit post 24h! after my diagnosis, asking for help because I wasn't okay with my diagnosis...I wasn't able to cheer and he was already helpless at what to do...I was upset.


I keep reading this passage out of it over and over again "I am trying my best right now to cheer her up, showing her that everything is gonna be OK, that no matter what I will be here for her, but she is very stubborn and I'm starting to be at a loss of words" and I just want to cry my heart out. How can he say those things and then leave me not even 2 months after on the 22th of June. And now in hindsight. How could he possibly cheer me up with those words considering they meant nothing? Looking where we are now.


There was no big fight. There wasn't anything. He was acting very cold towards me that entire week, on Saturday I asked what's going on and he decided to pack his things, sleep at a coworker's place and told me he'd decide on Sunday if he wants to stay with me or not. You can imagine I wasn't able to deal with anything, but I let him go.. unable to sleep myself I was cying all night. I texted him aswell, probably too much...


In the end he said on Sunday, let's try again. A trail period. 3 weeks. He doesn't love me as much as before, but there still is something. If it doesn't get better/more, he will leave... Furthermore we aren't engaged anymore. Just bf and gf. Speecheless..I accepted his terms ... 3 days later he ended it.


5 more months we lived together, with me begging and pleading every now and then, having some more conversations and him getting more and more angry with me. He told me hurtful things:  the proposal was all fake..he never wanted to marry me...he dislikes my personality..and we were just too different..and he would never love me again. On the other hand we watched movies, played videogames, cooked and he didn't mind me giving him blowjobs.


In August I gave him an Ultimatum. I needed him out of the flat by next October. I thought it was fair and I just couldn't live with the person I wanted to marry, but who doesn't feel the same anymore. He couldnt find a flat, but he left. Since then he is sleeping at his work. His boss is fine with it and he somehow manages...
I tried to not have any contact..failed..we stayed in contact, like friends, but it hurt me too much. I always ended up asking him to reconsider and a lot of times I was only there to satisfy his horniness..he asked me for sexual pics..


Well one time he said he would reconsider. One weekend he came home. He said it's a trail weekend. He will go back to work on Monday and then reconsider coming back, depending on how the weekend goes.. he didn't want to kiss me, but we had sex multiple times...then he didn't want to anymore..wanted to do more relationship things so he doesn't only miss the sex... I was anxious all weekend...tried to make it perfect...


Well, a week past after that. I didn't get any answer of him, I asked again, he said he needs more time and if I pressure him he will give me a direct no as an answer.
On Saturday another escalation, out of nowhere. He said to forget about it, he never wants to come back with me. I accepted and sent him a Whatsapp message that conveys my feelings, but accepts this goodbye aswell. He knew I didn't wanna be friends so I asked him beforehand to return my keys of the flat and not to contact me anymore.


A bit later he sents me a message saying "How are you?"..tries to phone me. Way later he says he is a piece of shit and apologises.. He sent me a huge message about everything that's going on in his head. About sleepinh at work, not finding a flat, etc. I understand and empathy with all of it..but where was I in all of this?


He said he regrets telling me his decision like that and wants more time again. We agreed to meet up next Monday for a final decision of his. Wednesday we he asked for a meet up. Just to tell me his point of view...he invited me for dinner, didn't really say much, but enough still to leave me going home sad.


I was certain of his answer at this point and I was leaving for a weekend at my mom's place. I was anxious, crying, talking all weekend about it to her and she told me. Just sent him the time of your return flight (it was quite late) if he truly cares he will pick you up. And there it was again this glimmer of hope. I didn't even think of this.
During the weekend he was constantly asking me how I was, if I was okay. It felt like he was pressuring me to initate a talk. Tell him how anxious I was. But I didn't. I kept cool. Telling him I look forward to Monday.


And no, he didnt pick me up at the airport. Instead he asked if I was mad at him because he didn't pick me up. Lmao. Way to pour salt into a wound, no? :(
I told him calmy that I am not mad. I didnt expect it. Sure it would have made me happy, but it's okay. He said he stays on Whatsapp till I am home tho. (It was like midnightish and I had 1 h drive home)...and he did. He ended talking to me once I was in bed. It made me happy, but I still knew it wasn't meaning much.


Monday came. He forgot he had a dental appointment on the same day... We were texting the whole day and he was giving me hints and mixed signals with every message....I couldn't focus at work, I took a halfday off and we meet around noon at my place. Until his appointment at 2 pm we didn't talk about the topic at hand.


He asked me to show me what I got from my mother (clothes shopping) and I did. He then asked to put it on so he can see it better...so ..basically modeling for him...I did.. and we ended up having sex..before the talk of wether he wants to get back together or not.. I know guillable..naive..I either thought at the time it's a good sign..or if I refuse he will rethink his choice? It was stupid. I was stupid. I honestly can't tell what I thought.


But tbh I enjoyed the sexual part of our relationship a lot. More than with the ones I had before, so it wasn't hard for him to put me in the mood.
After that, we rested until the appointment. He didn't say a thing about the intercourse. We head to the appointment together, I went to shop us a quick pizza dinner for afterwards and then waited for him at the dentist. We went home and started talking after I told him to do so.


"I have not made my mind up. I do not have a 100% answer, but for your sake I say No. Let's not get back together. So you can move on. And if I find myself wanting you and you are still not in a relationship I will tell you...". He said his decision takes so long because if he comes back it is supposed to last forever with marriage, kids and everything. He doesn't wanna leave again after a few months..and with the current situation he can't make a proper decision considering his living situation and all.  He doesnt want this to influence his answer.


I told him he will be fine, he doesn't need me and we both know this. He replied "Good that you know. I don't. What if after a few days I miss talkinh to you too much and I come crawling back?"
Again..giving me hope..but it's Day 4 now and I am the one on my knees begging to an invisible force to drag him back to me :(


I was devastated. For my sake he say's no. So I can move on?! While at the same time he still gives me hope. We talked for a few more hours. We ate the pizza I bought...and then he left. I asked for one real proper kiss, thinking it will be my last chance ever again. He did it.


Yesterday I went to a Halloween Party. I put some pictures up on my Whatsapp Status around 2-3 am...he did look at them.. He asked a common friend of us if he has 'news' from me...
I just..I feel so lost.


I am madly in love, probably more than I should. But after writing all of this down I feel like I am being toyed with. At least there is this feeling deep down in my gut telling me this. But then I think what if he really is just lost rn? Undecisive...


I want him. I really do. And this break up is the hardest thing I ever had to deal with..and I just got diagnosed with MS and have to do a lifetime of Injections. I cope better with those news than with the loss of him.


Am I an idiot for wanting him? For obviously still clinging onto some hope?
I have heard all the advice from friends, family and I am just at my wits end.


My head tells me to let go, but my heart just won't listen

 

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Welcome to the forum and to our community, Josephine.

This all sounds very distressful for you. Have you ever discussed with your boyfriend the possibility of going to couple's therapy together? I don't think this possibility can work, though, unless he decides this relationship is something he wants and is willing to work at.

So many of us struggle in relationships as adults, I think, because of how we learned to relate and were responded to in our very first relationships. The way things are going, as you have described it, may not be healthy for either of you. If both partners want the relationship and are willing to work together to stay together, I do think that healing can be possible. But I also think that has to be equal give and take...it can't be just you doing the work.

I hope whatever you decide that your heart finds healing.

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1 hour ago, IrmaJean said:

Welcome to the forum and to our community, Josephine.

This all sounds very distressful for you. Have you ever discussed with your boyfriend the possibility of going to couple's therapy together? I don't think this possibility can work, though, unless he decides this relationship is something he wants and is willing to work at.

So many of us struggle in relationships as adults, I think, because of how we learned to relate and were responded to in our very first relationships. The way things are going, as you have described it, may not be healthy for either of you. If both partners want the relationship and are willing to work together to stay together, I do think that healing can be possible. But I also think that has to be equal give and take...it can't be just you doing the work.

I hope whatever you decide that your heart finds healing.

Thank you Irma,

Indeed I actually spoke to him about it. How for me it looks like he just gave up with no effort of talking to me beforehand or as you mentioned couple's therapy. He said he regret not talking to me earlier, but he completly ridiculed the idea of therapy. Said it is only for married couples....

I do believe the same. I think it could work out, but not without effort from both sides. I am willing, he knows it, but he just doesn't seem that way. I am just so upset that even given an ultimatum, he doesn't take the responsability and clear things out. No he basically says something to keep me hoping, keep me hanging. Saying 'No, but...' isn't taking responsability in my eyes...

I don't think I have the power to decide anything. I am just trying my best to move on and forget about him. At least I managed to not text for 4 days now. Feels like an alcoholic trying to stay clean....but it get's better.. it has to right

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19 minutes ago, LaLa said:

Hi, Josephine,

perhaps you can try these articles and/or videos as a possible 'help':

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/how-to-break-up/

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/relationships/breaking-up-heartbreak/

 

Thank you! Yeah actually looking at a lot of those kind of videos including some Ted talks :)

It's one thing to listen and one thing to actually be able to cope tho sigh

Good luck!!!

 

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Hi, Josephine,

It seems something went wrong because you quoted my post but there's no text from you.

In any case, I'm sorry I only posted some links instead of some 'proper' reply :( . I didn't have enough time and mainly wanted to let you know there's this insightful source of 'practical psychology'. 

I'm sorry you're going through such difficult issues :( . 

On 11/1/2019 at 1:06 AM, Josephine2505 said:

Am I an idiot for wanting him? For obviously still clinging onto some hope?
I have heard all the advice from friends, family and I am just at my wits end.

I don't have any advise for you, but I'd like you to know you're definitely not an idiot. Love really is like an addition and it brings very strong and even 'foolish' attachments and desires. It doesn't work in our best interests. And when your ex behaves like he does, coming back and forth, refusing you and giving you hope at the same time, it has to be very painful (which can't make the feelings of love go away, obviously). It's cliché, but it's true: Only time can heal this pain. But time when you're not 'constantly' reminded of him (by his texts, calls, ...) and when you don't give a chance to any hope (to go back together).

At the same time, you need 'someone' - people close to you who are there for you, whom you can talk to, ...  It seems you have those (friends and family). I hope these relationships will help you to cope and will accompany you through your healing process.

Take care!

Edited by LaLa

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