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Toosmallforcomfort

Now divorcing after wife had multiple affairs over my SPS

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I'm 46 years old and have an erect penis under 5 for both length and girth.  Married for 15 years, but wife was really out of the marriage for the last 5 of them and told me to leave because she wanted to pursue another relationship.  About 5 years ago she told me that she was not being sexually satisfied and wanted an open marriage feeling her age setting in.  I thought that was a bad idea, jealously and all.  I suggested therapy, we went once, but she didn't want to go anymore.   4 years ago she had 2 affairs that i knew about and then one that lasted for 1.5 years that i did just recently find out about.  We have two kids and my older daughter now knows all about these.  Now I filed, she has a bf, and I'm very sad about it.  She has told me multiple times that I am a "little man".  I prolly shouldn't have stayed all these years, as it just hurt me to know she preferred others, but I did for the sake of the children.  Bad idea.

I've seen a sex therapist and there is no doubt I have SPS.  My first sexual experience was my next door neighbor when i was 11, he was 14.  He was quite well endowed and made fun of my junk.  This had a lasting impression on me.  While I don't think im gay for many reasons,  this feeling of inadequacy prevented me from having heterosexual relations for much of high school and college, even when women were clearly interested in an intimate experience. My roomate in college was very well endowed and would bring multiple women to the room to have sex.  He was proud of his junk, and I would be too, it was quite large and he would have sex in ways in the room that I could only dream of.  I was jealous and I dont' know why I didn't leave the room.  I lost my virginity to a bigger girl in college who I could not make orgasm.   Had one dry hump experience with another girl when i was 29.  Then met my future wife at 29 where i wanted to wait 3 months to make sure the relationship would last, despite her wanting to have sex earlier.  Despite the fact that we got married, i was never an initiator of sex because of my feelings of inadequacy.  She was the initiator.  My wife had a difficult delivery with my daughter and her vagina changed to the point were I felt I was clearly too small for her.  This made my SPS even worse, I withdrew, became disinterested in sex, and our marriage went on as described in the first paragraph.

My SPS and then learning of the multiple incidences of infidelity spiraled me downhill to the point where I'm not sure where to go, but here and therapy.  I've considered a celibate life.  I"m a successful physician and business owner who will be 1/2 less wealthy quite shortly.  

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I find it interesting that when we read these small dick “coming out” stories, there’s always an encounter with one or multiple male neighbors/roommates/friends/coworkers who trigger this lifelong obsession. Where are all the "average" dicks to put the mind at ease? 

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(Update:

I'm not looking for sympathy on this forum, but rather a place to share and vent.  I told her (my soon to be ex wife) about my long term SPS as a cause of our relationship downfall.  We have not discussed any of this before today. This is what I'm currently going through and have the emails to prove it.

After email communication today from my soon to be ex wife (yes, you should read my original post to gain full perspective),  she has told me that she could understand how I was jealous of her "adequately hung affairs" and she was "never impressed with me",  and that "Luckily, those years are in my rear view mirror now".  I asked for clarification, "What has never impressed you?".  She replied, "your small penis", " I mean it's small stature is one thing, but you didn't have any skills and that was my life for 17 years(we were married for 15) and you wonder why I'm bitter?"

Yes, gentlemen, I kid you not.  Be careful who you marry/have relationships with.  There are very, very mean women out there.   I married one and had two kids with her.  Crazy.

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When we were dating, I learned she had several bfs before me, and was engaged for 3 years, which at first I thought put me at a disadvantage knowing my lack of sexual prowess.  But, I continued on.  I was well accepted by her brother, my friend and co-medical student at the time, and her parents.  They were not happy with her previous bfs, and my overwhelming acceptance(into a first generation Vietnamese family) I believed pressured her in to accepting me, despite of my sexual shortcomings which I know she knew of before we tied the knot. So we got married, despite my uncertainty of long term success. And the rest is history. 

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what a cunt. 

I never understood what these tricks and/or skills are. I am sure this has to do with my own lack of skills and general disgust touching the female sex organ with my hands or tongue.

man I wish I was gay.

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8 hours ago, TheDane said:

man I wish I was gay.

No you don’t. If anything it’s worse. I’ve been on every kind of hookup site in the world...gay, bi, straight and everything in between and LGBT are merciless when it comes to dick size. And it’s logical because they are mostly gendered males on there looking for DICK. Even the “straight” or “down low” men specify they want bigger than avg...you’ll see ads wanting *hung* t-girls, etc. essentially they want breasts with a giant cock to play with. Otherwise they’d just go to tinder. Even the “tops” want hung men to fuck. In fact, based on my time on these sites, it’s actually the more masculine “bro” types who are more hung up on dick size than the stereotypical flamboyant gay guy or transsexual. They are actually more forgiving and more interested in the overall picture. It’s usually the ones who are hyper masculine that specify  big dicks which is just another piece of evidence supporting everything I’ve said for 15 fucking years. But Klingsor is stupid and insane and doesn’t know shit about shit so we’ll just ignore it and pretend all our problems are due to vaginas. Oh well. 
 

In 2019 if you are an average male with an average or below average dick you are sexually invisible. It’s too easy now with hookup apps and smartphones to find the magical 5-10% upper tier of men. These are the winners of the socio-sexual game, not women, and definitely not the average sub-alpha male. 
 

Penis size and youth are the only currencies of the realm in the LGBT world (at least the G & B portion).

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I challenge anyone to name any point in human history when sexually superior males have had it any better. The world is literally in the palm of their hand. Whatever appetites they have...college girls, milfs, hotwives, college boys, twink, trans, you name it...it’s simply a sexual buffet from which they can pick and choose. Even if they are dumb as a pile of squirrel shit there are cuckold couples and single women “sugar mama’s” willing to support them in return for that extra few ounces of meat hanging between their thighs. And all they did to achieve it was win the genetic lottery. 

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She is a mean spirited human being to say such things.  You are entitled to enjoy your sexuality too.  What has she done to enhance your sexual satisfaction?  
 

Your size is not the “problem”.  She seems so self-absorbed that she is incapable of sexual intimacy and wants only physical rubbing or friction.  That’s boring as hell being with a woman like that.

Oral, digital, anal, etc, are all fun as hell and don’t need a big penis.  You can use extending sleeves at times, dildoes, et for additional play fun.

 

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My opinion,,,,Problem with your statement above is your believing, it is a GOD that is doing it, If GOD made the bible, why would he make such a mess of a book, use logic, something is more powerful then we are but superstitious people will believe what they might assume religious people feed you. it took much for me to come to this position, I was taught much of christian religion, but logic in everything will steer you more right then wrong, except when it comes to forgiving yourself and others , in that order. If you are in your house you are not seeing what is actually happening in the world. reality is a b,pkkl!! This is once again my opinion. 

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@Toosmallforcomfort

Why do you think this problem is ignored or dismissed by the medical community? It affects the lives of many men to the extent that some have committed suicide. Here is how Wikipedia categorizes a disability due to mental illness (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mental_disorder#Signs_and_symptoms) -

Quote

Nevertheless, internationally, people report equal or greater disability from commonly occurring mental conditions than from commonly occurring physical conditions, particularly in their social roles and personal relationships. The proportion with access to professional help for mental disorders is far lower, however, even among those assessed as having a severely disabling condition.[52] Disability in this context may or may not involve such things as:

  • Basic activities of daily living. Including looking after the self (health care, grooming, dressing, shopping, cooking etc.) or looking after accommodation (chores, DIY tasks, etc.)
  • Interpersonal relationships. Including communication skills, ability to form relationships and sustain them, ability to leave the home or mix in crowds or particular settings
  • Occupational functioning. Ability to acquire a employment and hold it, cognitive and social skills required for the job, dealing with workplace culture, or studying as a student.

Personally, SPS has affected all three bullet points of my life (especially occupational functioning), and I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that most men who post or visit this forum can claim impairment in at least one or two of these criteria. 

Is it simply lack of awareness? I find this explanation difficult to accept. Or is it due to the reticence most men have discussing this topic openly? Or something else entirely? I'd like your thoughts. 

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37 minutes ago, Klingsor said:

Is it simply lack of awareness? I find this explanation difficult to accept. Or is it due to the reticence most men have discussing this topic openly?

It seems to me that it is the lack of awareness caused by the reticence of most men to discuss this topic. I saw several men here mentioning something of the kind that they "couldn't" speak to a therapist about this problem because they "wouldn't be understood"; but how can the mental-health-care community learn about the issue when nobody talks about it (to them or somewhere where they could see / hear it)? Just imagine the world where nobody with some different kind of problem wouldn't speak openly about it, seek help for it etc. - would you expect there being awareness and available (specialized) help? 

I don't blame the men suffering from SPS. I see that their issue itself prevents them from talking about the issue.

At the same time, I feel partially responsible. Because it seems to me that probably the only people who could now create the awareness and advocate for change and better help would be women who, thanks to forums like this one, understand what a huge problem it is for quite many people. Yet, there's another problem: If the woman is married / in a relationship, then such 'advocacy' would lead people to believe she's doing it "for her partner", which would, in this horrible world, as you know, bring a lot of stigma to that partner (even if he wasn't 'small' at all). That's also my problem :( . Yet, I could do it somehow anonymously. I just don't know how (yet?). I think I should find a way... Any ideas how to do it?

Edited by LaLa

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6 hours ago, LaLa said:

But how can the mental-health-care community learn about the issue when nobody talks about it (to them or somewhere where they could see / hear it)? Just imagine the world where nobody with some different kind of problem wouldn't speak openly about it, seek help for it etc. - would you expect there being awareness and available (specialized) help?

Tom begged for help. His GP was aware of his size issues and did absolutely nothing about it except the bare minimum of prescribing some loopy pills that made his insomnia 10x worse and regurgitating all that 'motion in the ocean' bollocks. They even begged the mental health team at the hospital for help the night he died but they just laughed, because it's hilarious, it's a funny joke that everyone can have a good giggle about. They're both dead because of that ignorant bullshit, but hey, it's not the medical staff at fault, who doesn't love a good small dick joke? After all, laughter is the best medicine. 

The mental health care community don't give a flying fuck about SPS, and it is not recognised as a genuine psychosis and it is solely the medical health care professionals at fault, not the person suffering. Ok, so most men dealing with this can't or won't speak about it in public because of the stigma and shame, but don't be fooled, the health 'care' professionals know all about SPS or phallic psychosis (as it should be called) and they ignore it and dismiss it regardless of evidence or first hand testimonies.

But you're right, it might be time for compassionate women to protect the men. If more women like yourself who know what we go through actually went out and made people aware of this issue, it could go a long way to finally getting the condition recognised. My rant wasn't aimed at you btw, lala. I know you're a good person, but I think it's a path that would require transparency and honesty rather than anonymity. 

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16 hours ago, Klingsor said:

@Toosmallforcomfort

Why do you think this problem is ignored or dismissed by the medical community? It affects the lives of many men to the extent that some have committed suicide. Here is how Wikipedia categorizes a disability due to mental illness (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mental_disorder#Signs_and_symptoms) -

Personally, SPS has affected all three bullet points of my life (especially occupational functioning), and I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that most men who post or visit this forum can claim impairment in at least one or two of these criteria. 

Is it simply lack of awareness? I find this explanation difficult to accept. Or is it due to the reticence most men have discussing this topic openly? Or something else entirely? I'd like your thoughts. 

Well, I'm not a mental health expert by trade.  My therapist seemed to know what it was given my couple sessions.  I've known I had inadequacy issues with my penis size and body (I'm a George Costanza body type) for 30 years+, but I didn't know it had a name.  SPS is a type of body dysmorphic disorder and part of the obsessive-compulsive disorder cluster.  For me, this mainly has led to dysfunction of interpersonal relationships, i.e., starting and maintaining intimate relationships, and less with overall social avoidance.  Severity of mental health disorders  of the same ilk and their resultant disabilities are different and unique to the individual.  Treatment is with cognitive-behavioral therapy and anti-depressants, such as SSRI's.

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On 11/13/2019 at 4:51 AM, Toosmallforcomfort said:

My therapist seemed to know what it was given my couple sessions.

 

Quote

A few years later, at one of Charcot's evening receptions, I found myself near the venerated teacher who was just relating to Brouardel a very interesting history from the day's practice. I did not hear the beginning clearly but gradually the story obtained my attention. It was the case of a young married couple from the far East. The wife was a great sufferer and the husband was impotent, or exceedingly awkward. I heard Charcot repeat: "Tâchez donc, je vous assure vous y arriverez." [Keep trying, I'm sure you'll get there.] Brouardel, who spoke less distinctly, must have expressed his astonishment that symptoms as those of the young wife should have appeared as a result of such circumstances, for Charcot said suddenly and with great vivacity: "Mais, dans des cas pareils c'est toujours la chose génital, toujours -- toujours -- toujours." [What's more, in such cases it is always the genital thing - always, always, always.] ... ... I know that for a moment I was almost paralyzed with astonishment, and I said to myself: "Yes, but if he knows this why does he never say so?"

A year later when I had begun my medical activities in Vienna as a private dozent in nervous diseases I was as innocent and ignorant in all that concerned the etiology of the neuroses as any promising academician could be expected to be. One day I received a friendly call from Chrobak, who asked me to take a patient to whom he could not give sufficient time in his new capacity as lecturer at the university. I reached the patient before he did and learned that she suffered from senseless attacks of anxiety, which could only be alleviated by the most exact information as to the whereabouts of her physician at any time in the day. When Chrobak appeared, he took me aside and disclosed to me that the patient's anxiety was due to the fact that though she had been married eighteen years, she was still a virgo intacta, that her husband was utterly impotent. In such cases the physician can only cover the domestic mishap with his reputation and must bear it if people shrug their shoulders and say of him: "He is not a good doctor if in all these years, he has not been able to cure her." He added: "The only prescription for such troubles is the one well-known to us, but which we cannot prescribe. It is:

Penis normalis dosim Repetatur! [A normal dose of penis, repeatedly!]

- Sigmund Freud, The History of Psychoanalysis (1914)

 

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38 minutes ago, Klingsor said:

the patient's anxiety was due to the fact that though she had been married eighteen years, she was still a virgo intacta, that her husband was utterly impotent.

That's very interesting, actually.  Although I'm not impotent,  it took my wife 10 years of marriage before she told me she wanted an open marriage.  She found her own prescription: 3 affairs in the last 5 years and now a bf within a few days of our separation.  Freud was on to something. 

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5 hours ago, TheDane said:

@ToosmallforcomfortI was at the pool!!!!!

SSRIs (I my case Zoloft) does nothing for me. except causing severe insomnia and problems with my libido.

I have yet to meet a therapist where cognitive-behavioural therapy made a difference.

Definite no-no's for me.

This is the standard of care for these types of psychoses.  It doesn't mean they will be successful or acceptable to the patient.  I'm on 50mg of zoloft and it has helped somewhat to quell my self negative rumination.  I don't care about libido because I'm just in no mental state to start a relationship at this moment.  

I'm a very logical person.  We were all born from the DNA lottery pool and we physically developed from that gamete exchange.  It's up to us to make decisions based on the hand we were dealt with.  There is no instruction booklet, no manual to refer to.  Some succeed, some don't.  It's up to us, alone, to figure it out.   Some will, some won't.  We all on our death bed will have regrets, some more than others, and some of those, were predestined from the moment we came out of our Mothers.  It is those phenotypes you can't change, but free will can modify your perception of those realities.  This is the crux of life.

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Nurse, hurry up for Christ's sake! This woman needs a normal dose of penis, repeatedly...STAT!

A normal dose of penis, repeatedly, twice a day after eating. Do not mix with alcohol or if using heavy machinery. 

Of course, not to be mistaken with an abnormal dose of penises, repeatedly. 

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