Now divorcing after wife had multiple affairs over my SPS

[Toosmallforcomfort]

On 11/23/2019 at 12:28 PM, lbaker said:

Those of us assigned a low male/sexual status, usually beginning with other men in the locker room, generally take the opposite approach, ie. want to "make it work" with the 1st or 2nd woman that goes to bed with us!

I wanted to make it work because I wanted kids, I wanted a good relationship like my parents and I felt the commitment of marriage to be important, through both the good and the bad.

[Toosmallforcomfort]

On 11/25/2019 at 6:34 AM, lbaker said:

 

On 11/25/2019 at 6:34 AM, lbaker said:

It's a stereotype, but in most of the world's cultures marriage is for economics and family status.  You are a doctor.  Her previous probably did not meet her family's status standards and/or, maybe, exposed her sexual appetite they couldn't accept.  Apparently, your wife was in rebellion to her family--a big issue in the stereotypical Asian family.

Bingo!  It took me many years to see this, but I think you are spot on.  She was a difficult teen and rebelled significantly, more than your standard.  In fact, I have a better relationship with her parents than she does.  Since we separated, I've seen them more frequently than she has.

On 11/25/2019 at 6:34 AM, lbaker said:

Interesting that your wife didn't seem to make any effort to instruct you to make you more satisfying in bed.  Apparently, she wanted another type from the get go.

I didn't see this until 10 years into our marriage.  I believe she longed for the sexual feeling, satisfaction from her prior experiences.  She was plenty happy what I could provide financially, but not in bed.

On 11/25/2019 at 6:34 AM, lbaker said:

I ended-up trying to "make it work" with women who had been abused by fathers and/or previous partners.  Not my intention, but that is what happened.  They were the ones I attracted.   They really were in love with me at first because I was so supportive and understanding, listening and bringing them out of depression, dispair, etc., even putting them on career paths.

Only later did the attention turn to my issues.  Then, they started to notice I didn't qualify for what they wanted in a man.  They noticed I wasn't the world beater they had imagined and not able to "learn" to perform sexually up to their standards. . . .    Well, I could go on and on.

She was sexually abused by her cousin when she was 12, as was I when was about that age with a next door neighbor boy.  Your second paragraph sounds very familiar.  She began to outwardly change and verbally described what she thought she was missing in her life.  I knew I could not provide this, got resentful and jealous as looked elsewhere.  

 

[Toosmallforcomfort]

On 11/25/2019 at 6:56 AM, lbaker said:

The type I ended-up with did.  Basically, they guided me to oral service and even femdom smbd, rejecting my penis, after abortive efforts to train me.  It was clear they were used to better.  I'll let it rest there.

Suffice it to say, you might not have been too happy with her "instructing" you, either. 

Personally, I have serious doubt about the SPS "diagnosis" which puts the "blame" on the under endowed.  In my mind, under endowment is a real handicap, not a delusion.  It can be overcome, but bad experiences and traumas inflicted by the phallocracy makes it objectively difficult.  No accident that the SPS "diagnosis" makes you feel bad about, not only your under endowment, but your failure to deal with it in an optimum fashion.

Basically, I think you are probably incorrect to "blame" your SPS.  Yes, I reject current psychological standards which don't even differentiate between the actually small and the clearly delusionally small.

 

Between 4 and 5 inches is not the smallest, I know this.  Again, I'm not a psychiatrist, but I do have some knowledge about mental health issues.  SPS is a body dysmorphic disorder, the same as anorexia.  You look in the mirror you see a fat person, you are clearly not, perhaps emaciated, but that doesn't matter, you still think you are fat.  Same thing.  You may be 5 inches, but you constantly ruminate that you have a tiny penis (obviously not true) and you feel that no one will like it and you will always suck in bed.  No one can tell you different.  It's a mental health disorder and it seems Under5 has conquered this issue.  I've dealt with this for decades and at least I know now it has a real existence and developed from my life experiences.  I know that I'm not alone and it can be overcome if I seriously put my mind to it.  Unfortunately, I've been traumatized by a bad relationship that appears to be based on a sexual issue that my wife felt was important enough for her to satisfy outside of our marriage.  Obviously, this does not help me psyche.  But I will live on.

[Wayless]

Dysmorphic should mean delusional about size as you state, but the psychological standard DSM-V in force does not clearly differentiate between someone 3-½ who has a real handicap and someone who is 5-3/4 and sees 3" in the mirror.  Admittedly, those in the middle, say 4.0 to 5.5 might be considered borderline, however, studies show larger guys have most of the recreational sex because of their superior confidence.  Thus, those in the average range rightly feel outclassed if they try to be active and experimental when young.  Active, adventurous women are exposed most often to the larger.

I'm just trying to indicate that everyone on the small side is traumatized to an extent by society's size worship, mostly at the hands of men and boys while maturing.

 

[YOTH]

Under5 hasn't battled and beat dysmorphia, he's accepted that he's small and moved past it as a handicap. Not that that isn't an achievement, it is, I'm legitimatly in awe of him. But SPS isn't seeing yourself as fat when everyone else sees you as normal, it's thinking you're small because you've been told a thousand times that you're small. I have eyes, I'm smaller. 

I think it should be called phallic psychosis. That in my opinion sums it up better than dysmorohia or a 'syndrome'. 

[Toosmallforcomfort]

34 minutes ago, lbaker said:

Admittedly, those in the middle, say 4.0 to 5.5 might be considered borderline, however, studies show larger guys have most of the recreational sex because of their superior confidence.  Thus, those in the average range rightly feel outclassed if they try to be active and experimental when young.  Active, adventurous women are exposed most often to the larger.

Therefore, natural selection should yield men with larger penises for the future of the human race. Although, research has shown that size is also dependent on the mother's genes as well.

[TheDane]

28 minutes ago, Toosmallforcomfort said:

Therefore, natural selection should yield men with larger penises for the future of the human race. Although, research has shown that size is also dependent on the mother's genes as well.

I have always been very interested in whether it is in fact natural selection that has made human genitalia proportionally oversized. 

is there a limit to how large the penises of future man can/will be?  does the vaginas grow in size accordingly ?

will future man just be a penis, nothing else?

[Wayless]

3 hours ago, Toosmallforcomfort said:

Therefore, natural selection should yield men with larger penises for the future of the human race. Although, research has shown that size is also dependent on the mother's genes as well.

Nope, probably not.  I was talking recreational sex.  The pill changed everything, but now the condom is back.  Ultimately, women must settle for the "less sexual" for family and children.  Simply aren't enough active, confident guys, usually with big dicks.  Further, those guys might not want to settle down, though they might eventually.

[Wayless]

On 11/5/2019 at 5:42 PM, TheDane said:

christ..... future man will grow even more abnormally large penises due to natural selection.  I wonder if that is part of God's plan.

Big dicks are for recreation, reproduction.

[Toosmallforcomfort]

3 hours ago, YOTH said:

Under5 hasn't battled and beat dysmorphia, he's accepted that he's small and moved past it as a handicap.

I'm encouraged by this even though I'm 46.  I've spoken to my wife about how I believe my SPS has been a detriment to our marriage. She mentioned that I don't think this is something that you can really overcome it just is what it is and you'll have to deal with it. Perhaps I do or I don't.

[Wayless]

On 11/12/2019 at 1:10 PM, LaLa said:

 

It seems to me that it is the lack of awareness caused by the reticence of most men to discuss this topic. I saw several men here mentioning something of the kind that they "couldn't" speak to a therapist about this problem because they "wouldn't be understood"; but how can the mental-health-care community learn about the issue when nobody talks about it (to them or somewhere where they could see / hear it)? Just imagine the world where nobody with some different kind of problem wouldn't speak openly about it, seek help for it etc. - would you expect there being awareness and available (specialized) help? 

I don't blame the men suffering from SPS. I see that their issue itself prevents them from talking about the issue.

At the same time, I feel partially responsible. Because it seems to me that probably the only people who could now create the awareness and advocate for change and better help would be women who, thanks to forums like this one, understand what a huge problem it is for quite many people. Yet, there's another problem: If the woman is married / in a relationship, then such 'advocacy' would lead people to believe she's doing it "for her partner", which would, in this horrible world, as you know, bring a lot of stigma to that partner (even if he wasn't 'small' at all). That's also my problem  . Yet, I could do it somehow anonymously. I just don't know how (yet?). I think I should find a way... Any ideas how to do it?

Professionals won't accept that having an average or smaller penis is a REAL HANDICAP, not always a mental problem (though it can be when delusion is involved).  Professionals mercilessly RIDICULE and DENY the perceptions of their patients, further victimizing them!  There may be something of a status/ intimidation game going on in sps "therapy", but mostly, Professionals are simply implementing what they learned.

Women were treated as property in earlier times so men didn't have to compete; all they had to do was afford a wife and impress her family.  Recreational sex was proscribed because it meant defeat for most men.

Not that I advocate going back to that, but it confirms the prevalence of competition within the the patriarchy or phallocracy that only the upper 20% or thereabouts of men can win.  I can still hear parents and teachers telling me how much fun dating would be when I got a little older, and then, when I got older telling me how much fun I was missing by being too shy or a stick in the mud, etc. 

I am old enough to remember what it was like before the sexual revolution of the 60s when sex was supposed to become recreation for all based on the "pill."   Naive educational authorities even trained kids for the coming "dating fun". . .   never mentioned was that only the top 20% of men were really of value for female recreation based on looks, body build, hormonal status, masculine assertiveness, level of physical masculinity, and, yes, outstanding penis size.

[Toosmallforcomfort]

9 minutes ago, lbaker said:

I am old enough to remember what it was like before the sexual revolution of the 60s when sex was supposed to become recreation for all based on the "pill."   Naive educational authorities even trained kids for the coming "dating fun". . .   never mentioned was that only the top 20% of men were really of value for female recreation based on looks, body build, hormonal status, masculine assertiveness, level of physical masculinity, and, yes, outstanding penis size

Again, my natural selection assertive. This in ingrained subconsciously for both men and women and very difficult to suppress these urges to overcome long term.  Are there exceptions? Yes. But for the majority of us, not so much.    We are human, but we are still animals in the eyes of nature.

[Wayless]

6 minutes ago, Toosmallforcomfort said:

Again, my natural selection assertive. This in ingrained subconsciously for both men and women and very difficult to suppress these urges to overcome long term.  Are there exceptions? Yes. But for the majority of us, not so much.    We are human, but we are still animals in the eyes of nature.

But, natural selection for recreation (or peak orgasmic release) not for reproduction is what is going on in our Brave New World.   Natural selection by definition means "for reproduction."

I hope i'm not insulting by applying this line of thinking to you.  You won the reproduction game with your wife, but lost the recreational competition.

 

[Wayless]

Do women who resort to breast enhancement surgery have BDD?  Well, some do!  Those who already have beautiful figures, but obsessively "want more."

But, no, many women are correct to perceive that their status among men and WOMEN would be increased with a better figure.  Ditto men in regard to their penis.

[Under5]

A mental health disorder regarding any body dysmorphia means that your do not realistically view your body or body part.  And, most mental health disorders in the dysmorphia realm have a strong obsessive component.

i know what size I am.  I do NOT think I am smaller than I am. And, my size does not affect how I view myself when compared to other men.  
 
I will sometimes fact check my own priorities with hypotheticals.  Like, would I give up 5 IQ points to have an 8 or 9 inch penis?  No, I would not.  Would I give up the way I respect and treat others for a big dick?  No.  Would I give up even one of my good friends for a bigger dick?  Nope.   
 

Its funny.  There is one clear PHYSICAL attribute I would trade for a bigger penis, and that is some of my height.  I’m only 5’9” but I’d trade an inch or two in height to add 3 inches to my penis.   I just don’t care  as much about my physical attributes in part because they have not given me my most important and valuable aspects of my life like my wife, daughters, career, friends, and activities.

 

Dysmorphic illnesses cause people to narrow their view to just certain physical attributes and a person misses the rest of the world.

I wish more men on this site had the emotional and mental health capacity to widen their views of the world.

[YOTH]

@Under5 I'll take the reduced I.Q. for an extra 3" please, Bob. I probably wouldn't miss it with all the fucking I'd be doing. Plus, as I've never checked my I.Q. I wouldn't know if any was missing 😂 now that's low I.Q. logic 

[Wayless]

9 hours ago, Under5 said:

A mental health disorder regarding any body dysmorphia means that your do not realistically view your body or body part.  And, most mental health disorders in the dysmorphia realm have a strong obsessive component.

Obsessive, yes.  Obsessive, because we don't know how to handle a real handicap in a major part of life.  We would know or could be taught how to deal with a withered arm or leg.  How are we supposed not to be obsessed with a deficit we don't know what to do about?

DSM V does not require a delusional view of a body part for BDD.  The dysmorphia means bad or difficult shape.(of body part).

In fact, the professionals, controlled by or implementing DSM V proceed to gas light the victim of a dysmorphic body part and call it a cure.

[Toosmallforcomfort]

13 hours ago, Under5 said:

A mental health disorder regarding any body dysmorphia means that your do not realistically view your body or body part.  And, most mental health disorders in the dysmorphia realm have a strong obsessive component.

 

13 hours ago, Under5 said:

Dysmorphic illnesses cause people to narrow their view to just certain physical attributes and a person misses the rest of the world.

I wish more men on this site had the emotional and mental health capacity to widen their views of the world.

Your understanding of BDD is spot-on. I've let my perceived small penis size limit my sexual life severely since I was a teenager. I knew that there was something wrong with this, however, I didn't know how to overcome it. It was only after therapy that now I do realize I have an irrational thought process. Some people may think that SPS is an just an excuse for not living a fulfilling sexual life out of mental weakness. However, in the eyes of the beholder, the obsessive ruminations of never being adequate is ultimately overwhelming. It is obvious that you do not suffer from this and I do wish to achieve your level of self-acceptance. At this point, I am not sure how. It's not like turning on a switch as I wish it was that easy. It would be logical to think that.

Being married to someone who capitalized on my insecurities for her benefit has been extraordinarily difficult. But my lack of self-esteem stemming from SPS made it easy for her. While she was clearly in the wrong, I am also to blame for allowing it to happen and for so long. Now, I have to figure out a way to overcome that as well and trust women again. So I'm in a bit of a hole. But, I am getting tired, perhaps many of you as well, of my woe is me posts. Maybe that's a good start.

 

 

[Klingsor]

4 hours ago, Toosmallforcomfort said:

It was only after therapy that now I do realize I have an irrational thought process. 

https://www.menshealth.com/health/a19534126/colorado-nurses-suspended-for-mocking-dead-patients-penis/

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4858046/Nurses-suspended-opening-body-bag-man-s-penis.html?ito=social-twitter_dailymailus

Some more examples of your empathic colleagues.

[Toosmallforcomfort]

12 minutes ago, Klingsor said:

Some more examples of your empathic colleagues.

There are immoral people in any profession.  Clearly, some women will even admire a big c*** even if it's dead. This says more about societal decay than sexual fantasies to me.

Edited December 1, 2019 by Toosmallforcomfort

[Klingsor]

[Under5]

My wife and I have talked a LOT about a woman’s perspective.  Part of the problem is that we do have a society, maybe more so In the US, that emphasizes dominance, power and subjugation, particularly over women.  Women in our society are trying to take some control over their own sexuality.  Yet, some women are equally influenced by the societal focus on power and “big”.  So, when some women can express sexuality, they become overly concerned about size.

I am NOT claiming that a larger penis can’t  change the type of sexual experience for certain women.  Girth can add friction, no doubt.  And, for certain women, as a purely physical aspect, length can stimulate areas near the cervix.  I’m not denying that.

The devastating insecurities come when a man assumes, because his penis is small, that he can’t sexually satisfy a woman.   This problem can be significantly compounded if the woman is focused too much on size.  It’s more about finding a full sexual female partner who loves many dimensions of sex.  I’ve been fortunate with that but I also won’t accept less.

i will say it again, a man with a small penis can experience the same physical pleasure that a man with a large penis can.  That should matter.  We are all entitled to our own sexual satisfaction.  
 

As a couple, we use my small penis to our advantage as much as possible, like with oral and anal sex.  And, with vaginal sex, I vary everything including speed, depth, etc.  

[Under5]

I will never blame the victim for feelings of inadequacy.  SPS is an actual mental health issue.  No doubt in my mind about it.  Yet, it is based in part on the same societal problems that have caused women to be subjugated,  I don’t accept those societal standards.  

[llbaker]

2 hours ago, Toosmallforcomfort said:

There are immoral people in any profession.  Clearly, some women will even admire a big c*** even if it's dead. This says more about societal decay than sexual fantasies to me.

Decay?  People have always been like that.  Even those to "moral" to express it, feel it.

[Toosmallforcomfort]

1 minute ago, smallguy said:

Decay?  People have always been like that.  Even those to "moral" to express it, feel it.

Not to get off forum topic, but, to your point, yes, there have always been bad apples.  But societies have changed with the free flow of information (internet) and loss of religion to a less moral standard in my opinion. Perhaps, I sound like my father.  But, times are changing and not necessarily for the good, like always. Sex is a very powerful animal desire and is embedded and integrated in our everyday lives. But we still have the free will to choose what is right and what is wrong.