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jojojojo

Small sph

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After recently seeing a sex therapist, I've been diagnosed with SPS.  I've had this idea that I didn't measure up since I was 11, but did not know until recently a known psychological illness could be established.  I've never heard of it before, despite being in the medical field.  But, SPS is becoming more and more prevalent in our society due to many cultural and technology evolutions that have been covered in many other threads.  I'm impressed with the many thoughtful and intellectual opinions expressed by those that suffer from SPS here.  So, I don't feel that this diagnosis is a coping mechanism, but it explains and confirms, based on my life's experiences, why I feel the way I do.

Now, the challenge for us is how we develop coping mechanisms to overcome or contently ignore this affliction.  I'm 46.  While it's never too late to change, it's more difficult to rewire your frontal cortex neural pathways that have been firing the same way for 35 years.  It'll take a lot of therapy if  you are committed to overcome this and achieve the goal of a  healthy sexual lifestyle.  Some of us may decide that it may not be worth all this effort and just accept the way you feel and live out your life the status quo.  I honestly don't know where I sit as I'm pulled both ways.  I don't like defeatist attitudes, however, it's still a personal life choice and should not be scorned.

 

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@Toosmallforcomfort I think at this point I've developed a full blown case of dysmorphia. Even when I dress ok and look fine (my issues start and finish with my bulge and appearing small) I'll never be able to walk around confidently without covering up in one form or another. Because of that I'll never be able to work or do things that most people take for granted. I feel that I'll just have to come to terms with never ever feeling comfortable in my own skin. I'd obviously prefer a few extra inches, who wouldn't in here, but I've always managed ok with what I have. But if I indulged my neurosis I'd stand in front of the mirror trying different ways of fixing what I see looking back at me until the cows came home.

I don't hate myself, I don't obsess and pray things will change, I'm way past that. But there's no escaping the feeling that I'm imprisoned in a body that I'll be covering up and disguising my bulge for the rest of my life. It's fucking tragic. My frontal cortex neural pathways seem cemented in place and I'm not sure I have the energy left to chip away and reroute them. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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@Toosmallforcomfort I take it you are not familiar with the difference between sps and sph?

@jojojojo I am very interested in this myself. I don't know whether it is ok to compare it to cases of lifetime imprisonment where you have heard of people "developing" homosexuality. also, I guess, as a coping mechanism. my point is that the human body/mind is able to change/ adapt to circumstances vis-a-vis sexual desire.  Are people "suffering" from sph  , as people with sps are "suffering from sps"?

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I really do not want to invalidate anyone on this site.  I just refuse to let dudes who are giant pricks dictate my self worth.  Sex is so much more that just a dick and a vagina.  Those who reduce it to just friction miss out on so much enjoyment, pleasure and satisfaction.

Let those who are so limited have each other.   There are more than enough real and good men and women in the world so we with small penises can and should enjoy our lives.

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I don't use it as a coping mechanism exactly, but it is something that gradually developed over years.

For a long time and due to secret feelings of shame and inadequacy, there was no way I could have had a sexual relationship with another person. But I still had sexual feelings, and masturbated frequently, and in time the feelings of shame associated with my penis size became part of the mental imagery I used to get aroused. 

My introduction to SPS (and in due course SPH) was due to having a (very) well endowed brother and my being less fortunate. It was only when I got to the age of about 15 or 16 that I had to face up to not being like he was, up till then I'd assumed I'd end up just as big. We shared a bedroom so pretty much every day I could see the proof of it and always took care never to let him see me naked, though if I succeeded I'll never know.

In truth I've never really come to terms with it, although I know that in real terms as problems go it's fuck all, certainly compared to the issues he had in life.

Anyway, the long term result was I developed a fantasy repertoire based on my having a smaller dick. I'm not into being humiliated by others so it's not really full on SPH, but it's real and it's not going away.

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On 11/4/2019 at 5:38 PM, jojojojo said:

I was wondering how many guys in here uumse SPH as a coping mechanism to deal with the depression and anxiety around being small. 

I am susceptible to sph (small penis humiliation) meaning I can be sexually aroused by feeling humiliated about my small penis.

I don't feel it is a coping mechanism for me however, though I can see how it could be if you fully embrace it.  I think sph is a variety of being a submissive in sex, which I have indulged with partners inclined to be dominant at various times.

When I first experienced sexual arousal from feeling inferior or humiliated about my penis, I was quite shocked and further humiliated.  Looking back it might have been the truth of my feelings about my genital status breaking through my defenses against feeling interior.

I think sph is a natural phenomenon that occurs to those of us severely under endowed.   I don't think anyone should condemn themselves for SPH feelings.  I don't think they are "chosen", but can be "accepted" or "not accepted."

Probably not a good "coping mechanism", but that is a personal choice.  Chronic SPH would seem to rule-out most sexual relationships, though I hear there are partnerships, both hetero and homo into it.

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Just to add a bit more information to the post above. It's hard to know how much detail to give, and what the point of it is and so on, but in some ways the above is only half a story.

For all his adult life and adolescence my brother destroyed himself through alcohol and drug use. Early on it wasn't so obvious that's what was happening, and in fact for a while I used to do the same thing before cutting back for different reasons. But by then it was clear that for him it was serving some sort of purpose but I never really put enough thought into what it might be.

After he died I learned what now seems obvious and that it was due to abuse. This also led to problems coming to terms with his sexuality. I don't think he ever had a successful relationship with anyone.

When we were younger one of the only things he had any confidence about was the size of his penis. I don't think he ever knew I wasn't in the same league though I don't know, I think he might have suspected it. He definitely never ridiculed me about it, but he did once comment on the unimpressive size of our dad's member which was totally the opposite of the way I felt as his was also bigger than mine.

The shame of having a smaller dick put me in a spiral of depression and self hatred and meant I never gave enough thought to what had gone on in his life even though I could see the signs clearly enough.

The irony of it in relation to this forum is that I actually have a big penis by any objective standards - probably somewhere around average when flaccid and well above average when erect. I knew this from my early 20s, maybe even younger, but still felt the shame and humiliation inside due to being the smallest dicked male of the household. Also the shame of being so dominated by insecurity and self hatred about the whole thing, and of watching someone struggle and destroy themselves but not knowing why or what to do about it and so actually doing nothing. And in fact my penis became a sort of lightning rod (sorry for the vaguely phallic imagery) for all the other problems I had in life such as limited social skills and shyness, so that any negative situations or events contributed to the feelings of shame and inadequacy, which I always linked back to the size of my dick and which in turn got reinforced when I masturbated with thoughts of my inferiority.

Anyway, that's the fuller version although in many ways it's still only half the story. I hope it's at least of some interest to some. I know it might not be helpful to people with very different experiences, but it's basically the abbreviated history of my SPS.

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53 minutes ago, Nimmo said:

When we were younger one of the only things he had any confidence about was the size of his penis.

I have heard of similar cases, but infrequently.

Apparently, some feel they "can't live up to their large penis"????  Possibly, some "big cock" guys have low testosterone or other more psychological factors that lead to negative feeelings and self-destruction.

I would be stunned if a brother could actually hide his penis size from a brother for any significant time.  But, I could be wrong.  Most brothers, it seems to me, compare and compete about just about everything.  Observing from afar, it always looked to me that "brotherly love" was just a sick fantasy.

Maybe the fact that the endowed brother did not harass the other brother about under endowment indicates he was low T or had some other psychological problem.

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1 minute ago, uptight outasight said:

I have heard of similar cases, but infrequently.

Apparently, some feel they "can't live up to their large penis"????

I would be stunned if a brother could actually hide his penis size from a brother for any significant time.  But, I could be wrong.

He didn't feel like he couldn't live up to his penis size. What he felt was a generalized lack of confidence, which one of the few exceptions to what that he valued having a large penis.

As far as hiding my own penis goes, certainly over the course of our lifetimes we saw each other naked countless times. But from the point of first beginning to suspect I'd never be as big as he was, at about 15, I definitely was never naked in front of him again or otherwise revealed my penis in any way. That might have told its own story, or he might have seen it when I was too drunk to notice or remember. If I had to guess I think that by the time we were both adults he probably had an idea I wasn't his equal but not the visible proof.

I don't think my dad ever saw it (once I was through puberty and fully grown) either. I know our mum did, at least twice, and both times it was shrunken and pitifully small. The shame and embarrassment of that has never left me and never will. 

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On 12/10/2019 at 12:32 PM, uptight outasight said:

Maybe the fact that the endowed brother did not harass the other brother about under endowment indicates he was low T or had some other psychological problem.

I don't know if that's in response to my post and reference to my brother, if it is then bringing low T into it is well off the mark.

Yes, he had 'some other psychological problem' - he'd been sexually abused at school, but no-one else knew that until years later. I didn't find out until the day after he died. None of that had anything to do with him not harassing me because his dick was bigger than mine, but it did have something to do with his lifelong addiction problems.

For years I felt the shame of being smaller, then the shame of caring about it so much when actually my dick is big compared to probably 80 percent of others. Now I feel the shame of having been too afraid to let him see that his penis was superior to mine, because I couldn't face the humiliation of being beaten in such a comprehensive way and the consequences of it for our relationship. If I outed myself so to speak as having the smaller dick then that would be it, the lifelong struggle between us would be settled once and for all, and in his favour and not mine. I was too afraid of that to let anyone know about it other than myself.

Maybe if I'd have faced it years ago things would have turned out differently somehow. True, he might have used it to destroy what little self respect I had (but no-one else knew that apart from me, as I used to put on a front of arrogance and superiority), or he might have taken pity on me and showed compassion. Maybe showing some weakness and vulnerability instead of pretending to be immune to it would have given him a means to do the same. I know he used to look up to me even though he was older, and I was too much of a coward to take the risk of being truthful about it. 

It really doesn't matter that compared to his my dick was small, but I let it fuck with my head so much that even when I could see there was something wrong in his life, I couldn't get past it to try and help properly or even see what was beneath all his self annihilation.

Maybe some time I'll no longer feel the same as I do now, but for now deep down I hate and despise myself for the way I acted down the years. There are more details to it than I can post, it's not that I ever did anything terrible but really I feel like I've always been a coward, a traitor and a liar. In so many ways my brother was a better person than I was but within the family he never got credit for anything  - he was always the trouble maker and I was always the prince. Although he tried to look out for me as best he could, when it really came down to it I never did the same.

Apologies for rambling on about the same things again. It probably won't be the last!

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23 hours ago, Nimmo said:

Apologies for rambling on about the same things again. It probably won't be the last!

No, I think your post was very clear except:

I've gotta ask, but feel free to ignore me, what was the nature of the abuse your brother suffered?

The power of "genital status" over the minds of men, even when above average, is amazing and tragic at the same time.

I would have thought that 2 decently endowed brothers could take small differences in stride, but apparently not.  

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On 12/10/2019 at 5:32 AM, uptight outasight said:

I would be stunned if a brother could actually hide his penis size from a brother for any significant time.  But, I could be wrong. 

Yep. I shared a bedroom with two brothers until we were in our early teens and I have no idea what size either of them are.

I know my dad was well endowed only because my mom would talk about it with her friends.

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19 hours ago, uptight outasight said:

No, I think your post was very clear except:

I've gotta ask, but feel free to ignore me, what was the nature of the abuse your brother suffered?

I don't get why you're asking that. I've said it was sexual abuse at school, further details aren't really needed.

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