Advice or opinions on what to do

[Nimmo]

I posted recently on the SPS board about how I ended up developing my variation of it (it's in an SPH thread). What is troubling me currently and has done for some time is how to disclose these feelings to my girlfriend, what I would hope to get from doing that and how it might go if I do.

Years ago I did bring up that I fantasize about having a small penis but the conversation didn't really develop in that she didn't really understand and I never brought it up again or told her how much of a thing it is for me. A couple of times since then she found some web searches I'd previously done but again I didn't fully explain the extent of it, basically through shame and feeling like I was being judged. Which the extent of is debatable but definitely I never told the full story of how I had such long term feelings of shame and inadequacy about my penis, and how over time these developed into a turn on for me. The main thing I couldn't bring myself to mention is that it developed from being smaller than my brother (and dad, but I didn't have to share a room with him until I was 19!).

Basically we got on with other things but it's always been depressing to me that this is a part of myself and my sexuality that I keep closed off.

Now I'm thinking about bringing it up again, not especially because I want anything to change in our sexual practices but more that I just want this part of myself to be seen and understood, and accepted.

It all sounds straightforward writing it down that doing this should be possible to do and that I should do it, but there's the prospect of it not going well and of making our relationship quite a lot worse. We've been together a long time and have young kids and in most ways things are good, so there is quite a lot to lose. It's just that I've been low level depressed about it for a long time.

It's not much over a year since my brother died. There were a lot of complications in both our lives and for me these are still unresolved and to some extent probably always will be. I don't want to disrespect his memory but feel I'm not being fully authentic and that this won't ever improve without me being open about this matter.

Any thoughts or opinions welcome. I hope this is in the right area, it could legitimately go in sexuality or SPS but at heart I think it's a relationship issue.

[Toosmallforcomfort]

58 minutes ago, Nimmo said:

What is troubling me currently and has done for some time is how to disclose these feelings to my girlfriend, what I would hope to get from doing that and how it might go if I do.

Life is a gift.  Making a life worth living is a risk.

With pretty much every decision you make there are pros/cons and the risks of each.  You have a gf so you must be doing something right. If she loves you, she'll accept you for what you are.  If you are not married, that is a plus actually, IMHO, as the motivation of marriage can be clouded for reasons other than love.  Whether you take the leap or not, I wish you luck.  She might end up liking that sexual lifestyle as much as you think you would.

[Wayless]

I agree with TooSmallforComfort in principle, but would add the caution, that women want to think positively of their husbands, so you need to be careful and be sure first.  You can always say something later, but not unsay something.

[Nimmo]

Thanks for both those replies. They basically sum up exactly my concerns as I don't know how far disclosing the true extent of my feelings in this area would just lead to her seeing me as diminished and a bit repulsive. And if that did happen, what I'd do. But on the other hand, it's true that without taking risks life is less worthwhile - the problem is that this risk relates to an area which is still stigmatized.

At the moment I'm thinking along the lines that I will do it, but not rush the decision.

One positive is I was seeing a therapist for a while, something I've tried in the past but never had success with. Eventually I talked about this subject and it went so much better than the last time I tried - no judgement or attempts to deny the problem or feelings involved, or trying to move on to other matters. Financially if I can manage it I might resume that at some point, possibly alongside having the conversations with my girlfriend.

Having said all that, if it seems the most likely result is that disclosing these feelings and preoccupations would lead to my girlfriend viewing me and weak and repulsive, it might be that I hold my tongue and carry on the way I've been doing so far. 

In that regard I'd appreciate any views from women as to what sort of response it might get. I know everyone's different and no-one can make the decision for me. To reiterate, and with apologies for rambling on, I'm not really trying to renegotiate changes to our sex life, but just to be open about a part of my life and history that's caused me a lot of loneliness, shame and secrecy for a long time now.

[Toosmallforcomfort]

1 hour ago, Nimmo said:

theThanks for both those replies. They basically sum up exactly my concerns as I don't know how far disclosing the true extent of my feelings in this area would just lead to her seeing me as diminished and a bit repulsive. And if that did happen, what I'd do. But on the other hand, it's true that without taking risks life is less worthwhile - the problem is that this risk relates to an area which is still stigmatized.

At the moment I'm thinking along the lines that I will do it, but not rush the decision

Let me add one more piece of advice, after that, I'm all tapped out.  I knew a very long time ago that I had a sexual inferiority complex based on my penis size.  I knew that going into a long term relationship that ended up in marriage.  I never disclosed this to my wife until we separated after 15 years of marriage and two kids.  Nonetheless, these personal feelings were omnipresent, but I did not disclose these fearing embarrassment, rejection, and everything else that you are worrying about now.  A part of me knew that she always knew something was a bit off with me in the sack from the indirect things she said and did which I have disclosed ad nauseum in previous posts.  The point I'm trying to make is that knowing what I know now, I would have addressed my issues verbally earlier for the sole purpose to make our sexual relationship more comfortable.  Although I hate to be a nay sayer, but I don't think it would have mattered for us, and perhaps would have sped up the inevitable in our relationship given her personality, wants and needs.  In saying that, my wife is NOT your gf, as all women are different and have different priorities in life.  Don't let my example stop you, but do let it make your realize that it could be beneficial to all involved if you disclose your closet skeletons earlier rather than later if you are committed to her for the long term. 

[Nimmo]

That makes a lot of sense, though we're pretty much in the long term by now! All being well - or not - at some point I'll report back on what I do and how it goes.

I have read quite a few of your other posts btw and I'm sorry things are so rough at the moment. It sounds like they have been for some time and while it's not really for me to say or much use in view of the ongoing complications, it sounds like a marriage you're better off out of. I hope you can get to a better place before too long.

[Wayless]

Another point I forgot to mention is that women are often quite aware of their mate's insecurities, though possibly they don't understand the cause.

They can be very disappointed or frustrated to be informed they haven't already solved that problem for "their" man.

[Nimmo]

Yes, that's understood. In my case it's gone beyond an insecurity - I really don't have any at this stage, at least not in relation to my penis and actual physical sex, though for many years I did.

What I do have is ongoing shame, and an arousal pattern that feeds off that shame. In fact and in all honesty I wish my penis was smaller, because then it would fit with the way I feel about it myself. God knows if anyone else can make sense of that, I can because I feel it and more or less know where those feelings come from. 

But that's kind of half the problem - everything's got so twisted up inside that it's hard to describe in a way other people could relate to. Especially to a woman, who doesn't have experience of the unique torments of having a dick!

[Nimmo]

Five days after posting this question, and it feels a bit ridiculous that I've even been thinking about having such a conversation. My brother's gone, I'll miss him forever, my girlfriend has no idea that he had a bigger penis than mine, she likes my dick the way it is and didn't really get how I could have enjoyed fantasizing about having a small one. So what would be the point? Only that the feelings will never go away.

Apologies for the repeated posts about myself and my penis. When you live with secret feelings of shame for so long, things can get quite obsessive.