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Joe08

Girlfriend flirting with someone else

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I will try to be brief.
I am 46, my gf is a 37 single mom (2 kids)…few months ago she went to a club with some girls, i found out that she ended up flirting and dancing with some young guy of 21. Before i find out she told me that some guy came to her, talked to her while she was dancing, but she refused him and sent him away. I found out that she danced with him, i confronted her with this, and said “yeah, i forgot, we danced a little bit, few seconds, but that’s it”, and she swore that it was it. After a while i saw some videos made at that club, and i saw that she danced in an intimate way with him, several times, and spoke and laughed several times (flirting), and at some point she danced with him on the table, also in an intimate way (when i say intimate, i didn’t see any kissing, but intimate positions, grinding…etc).
I confronted her again with this and she said that simply she forgot about that dancing on the table, because she drank too much that night, and the reason that she danced with him because we had a big fight that day and she just wanted to forget.
The idea is, whatever happens we can talk about it, even if we end up cheating, we can discuss it, so i don’t understand why she still insists on lying.

I am not sure if what i wrote makes any sense to you. But i appreciate your advice.
Thanks in advance

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Hi, Joe08, welcome! :)

It seems to me you're too sure of your interpretation and don't trust her. You say

9 hours ago, Joe08 said:

whatever happens we can talk about it, even if we end up cheating, we can discuss it, so i don’t understand why she still insists on lying.

so you're open to some things, but not to admitting that she might as well tell the truth and not to remember due to the alcohol.

But let's consider the option that she does remember but wanted to deny it.

One lies in such cases to protect the partner from very unnecessary sadness, jealousy, anxiety etc. Even if she knows she can be open about such topics with you, she choses to hide it because talking about it wouldn't bring any important point, only unnecessary, useless feelings that she prefers to protect you from.

If she wanted that 'flirt' to somehow punish you (for something) or make you feel threatened and "try harder" in your relationship, she wouldn't want to hide it. If she wanted to change or end your relationship or / and find someone else, she would probably take this opportunity and tell you about it. But, as she said,

9 hours ago, Joe08 said:

we had a big fight that day and she just wanted to forget

so it was a special occasion - to forget one thing that had happened, to have a good time for a while, nothing more. (This may be true if she didn't remember how she had that fun as well as if she does.) She didn't do anything that could be considered cheating, despite the influence of alcohol, which is great, isn't it?

Here is something very insightful about flirting - I wonder if that makes you less uncomfortable with your wife's behaviour:

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/why-flirting-matters/

Take care!

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A very close girl friend once flirted with a guy that was "small penis" shaming me when I foolishly wore a tight bathing suit on a beach.  His tight suit was "full".  The shaming was pretty covert involving double entendres.  The girl friend denied noticing the shaming, but certainly seemed to respond to it.  When I pointed it out later, she said I was paranoid, but couldn't repress a smile.

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4 hours ago, LaLa said:

Hi, Joe08, welcome! :)

It seems to me you're too sure of your interpretation and don't trust her. You say

so you're open to some things, but not to admitting that she might as well tell the truth and not to remember due to the alcohol.

But let's consider the option that she does remember but wanted to deny it.

One lies in such cases to protect the partner from very unnecessary sadness, jealousy, anxiety etc. Even if she knows she can be open about such topics with you, she choses to hide it because talking about it wouldn't bring any important point, only unnecessary, useless feelings that she prefers to protect you from.

If she wanted that 'flirt' to somehow punish you (for something) or make you feel threatened and "try harder" in your relationship, she wouldn't want to hide it. If she wanted to change or end your relationship or / and find someone else, she would probably take this opportunity and tell you about it. But, as she said,

so it was a special occasion - to forget one thing that had happened, to have a good time for a while, nothing more. (This may be true if she didn't remember how she had that fun as well as if she does.) She didn't do anything that could be considered cheating, despite the influence of alcohol, which is great, isn't it?

Here is something very insightful about flirting - I wonder if that makes you less uncomfortable with your wife's behaviour:

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/why-flirting-matters/

Take care!

Hi Lala, and thank you for your insight.

If I understood right, do you consider her flirting (grinding) with a young man in a club harmless?

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I think that if it becomes a habit, it may 'bother' you and thus it won't be fully harmless (the 'harm' being your feelings about it). But that's how I see it and what my impression has been from your post.

It also seemed to me that you were mostly concerned by her, possibly, lying, not by the flirting behaviour, while now it seems you probably mind also how she behave. Am I right? Or is it only due to the uncertainty - you don't know what to think and what to believe, so you have suspicions?

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25 minutes ago, LaLa said:

I think that if it becomes a habit, it may 'bother' you and thus it won't be fully harmless (the 'harm' being your feelings about it). But that's how I see it and what my impression has been from your post.

It also seemed to me that you were mostly concerned by her, possibly, lying, not by the flirting behaviour, while now it seems you probably mind also how she behave. Am I right? Or is it only due to the uncertainty - you don't know what to think and what to believe, so you have suspicions?

I didn't say that I don't mind her flirting, of course I do! what I said is even if we end up flirting or even cheating (which I am not ok with any of those 2) it will make it worse lying, denying and downplaying what happened, that we can talk about it as long as everything is transparent. I do believe that if we don't admit what we did, and discuss it, chances are it will happen again in the future

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Welcome, Joe08. Have you spoken with your girlfriend and expressed your discomfort with her behavior? Do you both share the same expectations in your relationship? What are her feelings about a committed relationship? What are yours? How are things otherwise in your relationship?

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13 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

Welcome, Joe08. Have you spoken with your girlfriend and expressed your discomfort with her behavior? Do you both share the same expectations in your relationship? What are her feelings about a committed relationship? What are yours? How are things otherwise in your relationship?

 

13 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

Welcome, Joe08. Have you spoken with your girlfriend and expressed your discomfort with her behavior? Do you both share the same expectations in your relationship? What are her feelings about a committed relationship? What are yours? How are things otherwise in your relationship?

Hi IrmaJean, yes i have spoken to her about it, and as i mentioned she lied at the beginning about it, then when i saw the videos she said that she simply forgot and insisted on downplaying it, saying it was just one dance, where obviously there were multiple dances and there was flirting (it can be seen clearly). My problem is she isn't admitting what happened in order to discuss why it happened and what to do in order not to be repeated. It seems to me, after this incident, that her feelings about committed relationship are with double standards, meaning that she's offended and jealous if some girl gives me a "like" on a post on FB, or if a female friend/co-worker texts me just to say hi or to ask me something.

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2 minutes ago, Joe08 said:

 

Hi IrmaJean, yes i have spoken to her about it, and as i mentioned she lied at the beginning about it, then when i saw the videos she said that she simply forgot and insisted on downplaying it, saying it was just one dance, where obviously there were multiple dances and there was flirting (it can be seen clearly). My problem is she isn't admitting what happened in order to discuss why it happened and what to do in order not to be repeated. It seems to me, after this incident, that her feelings about committed relationship are with double standards, meaning that she's offended and jealous if some girl gives me a "like" on a post on FB, or if a female friend/co-worker texts me just to say hi or to ask me something.

I would like to add that she clearly mentioned to me, several times over the course of 2 years, that she doesn't accept any "intimate" interactions with the opposite sex (texting, flirting....etc), not to mention cheating, where she says she NEVER can forgive or forget.

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6 hours ago, Joe08 said:

I would like to add that she clearly mentioned to me, several times over the course of 2 years, that she doesn't accept any "intimate" interactions with the opposite sex (texting, flirting....etc), not to mention cheating, where she says she NEVER can forgive or forget.

Well that’s good. 

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