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scruffycat

I really think this might be the end of the line

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I just can't deal with this. Please. If anyone has time to spare, could you please talk to me? I've attempted suicide twice in a few months' time. Last time was this New Year's eve. I think If I had some guts I would take Ibuprofen for liver damage and die for real. But I can't live like this. I'm being haunted by so many things and one thing in particular haunts me tonight.  I'm afraid to even say it because it's awful. Please. I need to get some tjings off my chest but im afraid. I know it won't help but im desperate.

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I just can't let go of the past. I have OCD and depression that make my life miserable. I've done horrible things. I wanted to tell someone what I'm thinking about right now but I can't. I thought I could. It's just over. Everything is black. I regret things immediately after doing them so I regret posting already. I just wanna be happy but I can't.

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No need to regret posting anonymously.  But from your words, you are in a very bad place and that sucks. You already know what you suffer from and I think that's a great first step... Acknowledgement.  But you need to be brave enough to take another.  Are you able to consult a licenced therapist?  That would be my recommendation.  No shame in that.  I believe most, if not all of us here, have done that at one time or another.

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I've talked to therapists before. My issues have been known for a while. I'm seeing a therapist in a few days, as decided when I was in the hospital the other day for that suicide attempt I mentioned. I hope it goes somewhere. I know I have to keep an open mind. But I'm an adult and things have been horrible since my early teens, so at this point I know I'm a lost cause. Yes, a part of me wants to hope. But at the same time I know it's hopeless.

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I'll ramble here and look like an idiot, I'm not sure if I care. i'm gonna sound incoherent, i'm sorry, I know it's weird and obnoxious. i just need to say things. I know you are not therapists on this site, I'm sorry. I'm just tired and I want this to stop. Things have changed. They're not what they used to be. At the same time I was always fucked up. I want to die, but I'm scared of death. If I could just jump off a bridge. It would be easy but I'm too scared. I want to scream at my mom that she should care more. Which is pathetic because I'm an adult and she's not obligated to watch my every move. But iI still resent her, but why? Should I be angry? Should I be angry that she left for a vaction when I was in the hospital in September for the other suicide attempt? I'm even telling the internet this. Because I'm angry. Why? She was sad, it's not like she didn't care. When my brother comes over, I can feel the air turn to ice because I think he's angry and disappointed that I could do such a horrible thing to my mom. And everyone else. But they all know that I'm sick. It woiuld be better if I were dead. I know that, for several reasons. I shouldn't have been born to begin with, everyone wanted mom to abort me. I've been angry my whole life. I am actually a freak of nature, because I do have all this shit. i should tell a therapist this but I think it's easier because I can't see the person I'm speaking to? I have worrying traits. I'm not the person som epeople think I am. The doctor at the hospital coukd read me like a book, but he still didn't understand. I can't say why. Well I can, but I'm too scared.

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I actually feel like I'm losing grip on reality. I'm not dissociating, I do have a grip on reality, but at the same time it feels like I'm not here. I can't explain it. i think it's like I'm looking through a lens? or in a bubble maybe. I want to go fir a walk and clear my head, but I'm afraid I'll do something stupid. I hate that every time I write or speak things don't come out the way I want, it's like I have to check it. Do I sound too desperate or too calm? I'm scared people will think I sound too calm to be sick, or like I'm pretending to be sick.

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Although I don't know you, what I do know for certain is that now is not the time for you to die. No way. From what I do know about acute psychosis is that you need to get on some type of psychotropic medication (perhaps temporary), calm your mind a bit and go into therapy, again.  Reach out, no matter how awkward it may seem, to family and friends.  I wish you luck.

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Scruffycat, I'm so sorry for your pain and confusion. There are people out there who care. We are listening. Is there someone there with you tonight? Are you possibly able to see a therapist sooner? I hope you stay safe. Sending gentle care to you.

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