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POCD, pedophilia, or something else?

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hello, I have a lot going on, and i’m going to have trouble organizing this. I could preface by saying that I have been diagnosed with depression, multiple anxiety disorders, and ADHD while i was in high school if that plays any effect into this. i have an “obsession” with pedophilia, to put it bluntly. i find myself obsessed with and romanticizing fictional, 2d pedophiles and pedophilia (lolicon), while vehemently despising actual pedophiles and child molesters. i think i’ve been what can be considered a ‘lolicon’ since i was about 13. i’ve never felt particularly guilty about the thoughts towards fictional drawings, and mind you i don’t have any urges or desires for real children. however i feel extremely guilty being anywhere around children, especially young girls, or anyone under the age of 18.  i will sometimes get brief flashes of intrusive, sexual thoughts, and immediately be sickened and disgusted. additionally, i’m not sure if this is relevant at all, but it’s sometimes similar that has been slowly getting worse since i was ~17. sometimes i refer to it as “age dysphoria,” as odd as it may sound, where i do not physically feel right in the body of an adult woman; that the body i would feel ‘right’ in would be that of a 7 - 14 year old child. i’ve even gone as far as to consider surgery to reduce my chest and height, however, it being extremely out of my price range (and the fact that it will never be exactly what i need) leaves me with despair. i cope with this through CGL/ageplay/age regression. it helps a little, no pun intended, and it also feeds into my “obsession.”

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Hello and welcome! :)

It sounds very distressing :( . I'm sorry you're going through this...

To me, it sounds like POCD and I also like your term “age dysphoria”! (BTW, few years ago, there was a member in this community whose teenage / adult son behaved like a baby, insisted on wearing diapers, ... and he definitely seemed to have some kind of "age dysphoria". There was also another member, a young man, who's been very unhappy about not being a boy anymore; he loved playing with children and couldn't make adult friends (he also worried about being a pedophile). I'm mentioning them to show you that there are indeed people with very similar issues and that these issues can have different forms.)

You mention that you've been diagnosed, so you've met a mental health professional. Did you them him/her about these POCD-related issues? Are you still in his / her care or in psychotherapy? I'd say it's important to find a good therapist specialized on OCD and having experiences with POCD. It's a terrible illness you probably cannot fight alone :( .

Good luck!

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4 hours ago, LaLa said:

Hello and welcome! :)

It sounds very distressing :( . I'm sorry you're going through this...

To me, it sounds like POCD and I also like your term “age dysphoria”! (BTW, few years ago, there was a member in this community whose teenage / adult son behaved like a baby, insisted on wearing diapers, ... and he definitely seemed to have some kind of "age dysphoria". There was also another member, a young man, who's been very unhappy about not being a boy anymore; he loved playing with children and couldn't make adult friends (he also worried about being a pedophile). I'm mentioning them to show you that there are indeed people with very similar issues and that these issues can have different forms.)

You mention that you've been diagnosed, so you've met a mental health professional. Did you them him/her about these POCD-related issues? Are you still in his / her care or in psychotherapy? I'd say it's important to find a good therapist specialized on OCD and having experiences with POCD. It's a terrible illness you probably cannot fight alone :( .

Good luck!

thank you for replying. I’m seeing a counselor currently, and was seeing a different one when i was diagnosed. i’m scared to bring up the pocd stuff and whatnot, and i may even have had a misdiagnosis with some things (long story)

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