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Is this pocd or genuine pedophilia?


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I'm a 19 year old girl and around age 13 or so my friends introduced me to type of p*rn called "shota" that contains sexual illustrations of anime boys with young features. I thought it was weird at the time but over the years I occasionally touched myself while looking at it, thinking it was harmless because they were just illustrations and that what I was doing was normal, albeit slightly strange or "kinky." It was never my primary choice of p*rn and I typically watched other types of p*rn. Recently I came to the realization that shota is essentially cp and I'm extremely disgusted at myself and anxious about what this may mean. I've always been sort of anxious and uncomfortable around children. I never knew how to talk to them. I've never fantasized about touching or harming a real child and the thought that I might ever want to makes me want to vomit. I keep looking at pictures of normal real children and checking myself to see if I've gotten aroused. I don't think I have but at this point I'm so anxious I can't tell. I don't feel comfortable changing diapers or seeing naked children (I never have). I'm not sure what to make of that either. I'm terrified and disgusted at myself. I want to talk to a therapist but I'm worried that I might get reported. I thought I was normal but now everything has been flipped on its head and I'm consumed with anxiety and self hatred. I can't eat or sleep. I just want to be normal. I don't want to be near another child ever again. I wish I could be medically castrated. I don't ever want to hurt an innocent child

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Hello and welcome! :)

What you describe is definitely not pedophilia; it's POCD.

Remember; having intrusive thoughts does not make you a bad person. They are a misfiring in the brain, not a reflection of your character.

Have you already read enough about this diagnosis? For instance here:

https://moodsmith.com/pocd/

http://www.ocdspecialists.com/pedophile-ocd/

https://www.madeofmillions.com/ocd/pedophilia-ocd

On 8/25/2020 at 10:17 PM, ineedhelp said:

I want to talk to a therapist but I'm worried that I might get reported.

It's great that you're already open to get professional help!! That's the only effective way of getting your life back to normal. You have no reason to fear getting reported. They only have to report people who did something horrible or who seem to plan to do it. Your case is very clear; there's no reason to worry you would harm someone. Only your illness is harming you. But you can heal. Seek help as soon as possible.

Good luck and take good care!!

 

 

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