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Does anyone have advice?


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I wasn't sure what to title this. I have what I suspect is OCD, not officially diagnosed so I can't say for sure. Extremely excessive handwashing, ruminating, fear that I might hurt people in various ways, and other awful things. But there's another thing that might be OCD-related that I can't get out of my brain. I get thoughts that I don't agree with. It's hard to explain. Example: I love my nephews. When my youngest nephew was about a year old, my brother told me he nearly suffocated on some food because he was too impatient and hungry, and inhaled the food. When I heard that, I immediately got the thought of, ''Serves him right, now he'll know not to be such a glutton''. I felt happy when I thought this. But then I immediately tried to shake the thought and I felt sad and disgusted for thinking it. I have other thoughts like this, and they don't make sense. Like, I will genuinely feel happy and I have to make a conscious effort not to, it's almost a physical effort. Sometimes I feel angry with someone, but then I think ''but I KNOW in my heart I'm not angry at all at this person'', but I still have to make an effort not to feel angry. It makes me confused, like, are my feelings even real? Do I just think I like/dislike people? There's also something else, and I don't know if this is related. I get the wrong emotions in different situations. For example, let's say there's an event I've been wanting to go to, like a concert or a party or whatever. I've been looking forward to it for weeks. But then when I get there, I feel... pretty much nothing. It's not fun or exciting, it's just... meh. Or let's say that someone tells me, ''this person died'' and I'll feel happy. I hate these wrong feelings, they disgust me. Am I a sociopath or something? I'm going to talk to a professional about this in the future, of course, but it's the middle of the night right now and I just wondered if someone might know what it could be, or have an inkling? Please?

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2 minutes ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Sounds like depression to me.

What do you think it is?

I'm not sure. I am depressed but I feel like this is something else. I thought it was Alexithymia but when I looked into it more, I didn't think the symptoms matched. I just want my emotions to be normal. Medications don't seem to work against this. 

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I think most people have inappropriate thoughts. As long as they just dance across the stage of your mind and then exit it’s not a problem. When they persist and upset you that it is a problem. 
 

I’ll speak for myself that during times when I’m under stress and I’m unhappy with myself it can be difficult for me to have normal relationships with people.  
 

Actually I’m not a big fan of the labels (they call the diagnoses which is a joke because there is no objective evidence anywhere for these ‘diagnoses’) BH doles out because they are not helpful.  If I label you with borderline personality disorder for example what does that accomplish? How does that truly help you? The point is to get better and feel better and do better.

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True, I'm not alone in having these thoughts. But I think mine aren't normal, or at least I think about them too much. I get a thought and ruminate and ruminate, trying to pick it apart for days. Some specific thoughts have been on my brain for years (not continuously, of course) and I'm getting very tired. I understand why you don't like diagnoses, but I think they can be helpful, so I can get the correct treatment and such. Also it makes it easier to explain to my friends why I'm behaving in a strange way. It feels good to be able to say, for example, ''Sorry I'm having such a hard time talking to you and making eye contact, I'm autistic'' so they understand there's actually a reason I'm being weird. I just wish I'd been diagnosed earlier, so I wouldn't be so emotionally stunted as an adult.

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