Anyone know solutions to dependency/'obsessive love' sorts of problems?

[tourdelove]

Hi there,

I have search high and low for what the heck might be going on with me. I have been in therapy before, which help me at the time, but it seems like problems are resurfacing now. I don't have a job and don't have much money at all at the moment so, therapy options are very limited, but I still want to help myself.

It seems like the "obsessive love disorder" describes a lot how I have operated in my life. Other things that sometimes fit how I feel are: dependency, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression...

I have started researching this on my own [you can check my blog if you want] but would appreciate input on how I can make improvement in my life.

This has been a problem that developed, as far as I can trace back the 'signs', to when I was a teen.

A lot of the information on the net ironically and sadly talks about how resistant to treatment dependent people [like me] are, even thought they appear willing and compliant, that this problem is likely to go on all my life, and it also talks about how a therapist should cease treatment as soon as possible...

Anyway, I am looking for ideas on how to explore changing beliefs that cripple me, and ways to change this behavior. I am so tired of not being able to live my own life, pursuit my dreams, get all attached to people and being needy...

Thanks for your time, responses, in advance

s

[smallstar]

Hi tourdelove, I just wanted to ask a question. When you say you are dependent and want to live your own life, what is it that is stopping you from living your own life? Who are you dependent on?

I'm just asking because I can kind of relate to what you are saying but probably in a different way. I sometimes feel held back in living my life because I fear hurting certain people, I have a need to please certain people and even though it hurts me I hold myself back because I couldn't bear to be the one to cause the pain.

Is this at all what you are referring to??

I hope I can offer some advice

Edited April 6, 2009 by smallstar

[tourdelove]

When you say you are dependent and want to live your own life, what is it that is stopping you from living your own life? Who are you dependent on? (...) I sometimes feel held back in living my life because I fear hurting certain people (...) Is this at all what you are referring to?

Hi Dawn, thank you so much for your reply! I will try and answer.

First, I do hold myself back sometimes, because I feel jealous, when I am in relationships sometimes, but in my life, I don't necessarily hold back living my life in fear of hurting others, but rather, in fear of failing, ending up alone, not being as what I think others want me to be, but the only goal for me it seems, is that it is all to get attention and affection.

The others things I think stopping me from 'living my life' is I can't seem to understand clearly what are reasonable expectations in terms of fulfillment. I often get bored rapidly when I reach a plateau in most of what I do and jump to another career, sport, art... In any activity, when I am making progress, and feel I am progressing rapidly and 'performing', and get compliment from other I feel good about the activity, but as soon as I feel I am not at the front of the line, or the compliment stop, I loose all motivation!

I feel ashamed of this, but the reality is I don't really know when it's time to really stop an activity because I am truly bored, or if it's just that I've lost interest because I stopped getting attention!

thanks for reading!

s

[smallstar]

Hi tourdelove, I understand what you are saying. The best advice I can give as far as your activities is maybe you haven't found the right one yet? I think that in anything you do you can't be doing it for someone else. It has to be something you love for the sake that you enjoy it. It can't be about what others think of you doing it. If you are only striving to be the best at whatever you may be you will never truly enjoy what you're doing because you're not doing it for the right reasons. You need to find something you love cause it makes you happy, not because you are the best or because it makes someone else happy. You need to enjoy it for what it is, not for being perfect at it. Hope this makes sense to you. Sometimes I understand what I am trying to say but have a hard time putting it in to words. Hope this helps.

Edited April 6, 2009 by smallstar

[emptysoul]

you sound very similar to me.

so i can't really help as i can't even help myself,

but i can relate to how you feel, i hope you figure it out

as for the no money, therapy thing;

there are free ones, i was seeing one at the university and hoping they will re see me once i re enrol. they might also see non students ? i'm in Australia though so things might be different everywhere. Do google it though and see if you can find a free counselor, my ex is also seeing a free phys at the hospital, he got recommend by his doctor, so maybe even go see your doctor and see if they can line you up with someone to talk to.

(It seems like the "obsessive love disorder" describes a lot how I have operated in my life) what is the obsessive love disorder? i have never heard of this.

(First, I do hold myself back sometimes, because I feel jealous, when I am in relationships sometimes, but in my life, I don't necessarily hold back living my life in fear of hurting others, but rather, in fear of failing, ending up alone, not being as what I think others want me to be, but the only goal for me it seems, is that it is all to get attention and affection.) hm yes i can also relate to that,i generally don't care who i hurt, i don't fear that, i fear people hurting me, i want people so close and near me so i'm not alone, but then after a week i hate them, i feel theyre out to get me and i push everyone away; some guys tend to keep trying and i fall head over heals and then all the drama starts, i'm jealous of everything around me, i live in a dream world and then get disappointed and i always end up alone, i tend to drive guys insane, literally they have all ended up trying to kill themselves, counselors, and drugs, i destroy peoples lifes but all i want is to be loved.

i lose interest in everything after a week or two, i move alot, i change my job alot, drop out of courses and drop friends alot, i get heaps aggravated and turn against people 'even customers' i find it hard to stay being nice.

as i said i can't really help, only relate

i hope you didn't find that too annoying

your story just reminded me alot of myself

my best advice would be to find something you really like and try to do it as much as possible, maybe draw? i spend most of my time locked away, so now i just play tetris, photoshop manipulations and draw and i'm surprised how fast the days fly by, i try not to watch much tv and movies as they upset me. though maybe that is not the bext advice :confused:

let me know how things go though, okay

[tourdelove]

you sound very similar to me. so i can't really help as i can't even help myself, but i can relate to how you feel, i hope you figure it out

Hey guys,

thanks so much for your replies and support, you don't know how much it means to me!

Well, regarding finding free help, here, it's not free but it can be subsidized for people who do not have work, which is pretty much me at the moment. It's still expensive but doable, and I just feel like I have to bite the bullet as I want to work this through.

I know I refuse to stay like this. I have never accepted it, however, until now :eek: and pretty much 'lied' to myself and others, pretending that I was an 'independent' person, but the reality is different. When I am in a relationship, I appear to function [at least, from an outsider's perspective], but it is mostly with the encouragement/help/attention of my partner...

Regarding obsessive love, well, it is sort of like being dependent on a love one, but with the obsession twist were several things can happen:

1] You get attracted almost instantly toward a guy [or girl, but anyway]. Because of a few external qualities that you focus on and idealize, it can be that he is successful, he's good looking, he is popular in the community, or all of the above. This regardless of if he is in fact 'compatible' with you. But the main thing is you look up to him, you are intimidated by him and you feel that if you would be in a relationship with him, it would make you a 'better' person, meaning you would gain status, or you would feel like being with him is an accomplishment in itself. You talk about him a lot to your friends, you are so proud of him, you need to mention him and that you have a relationship with him...

2] You feel like you have to impress him, you start doing things you don't normally do just because he does it, you want to be thinner, you are always worried about the way you look. You aren't able to tell him what you want, to express yourself. You are devastated when he gives any signs of disapproval or doesn't like something you do. You start preferring his friends to yours, his music, etc. You are looking for is approval.

3] You start to feel like you need him to be with you all the time, to touch you, you only feel good when he calls you, and you feel depressed and wait by the phone when he doesn't, etc. And, no matter what he does, it is never enough, and you are always disappointing in the end, even if you don't tell him necessarily, but you may just pout or question him indirectly: "where have you been? Who's that girl? etc."

4] When it's over, you might 'stock', even in secret, by driving by his place and looking if his car his there... Feeling panicky if it isn't. You look him up on the internet, calling or texting him with an excuse reason, or go to places you think you might see him, etc... You fantasize about how, if you 'improve' yourself, you'll get him back. In your fantasy about 'getting back together with him', he's all nice to you, looks at you all lovingly, and giving you exactly what you want.

5] Other things in general you might do is you go from one relationship, or one love interest to the next, without any down time in between. Or if there is forced downtime, you feel incredibly depressed, you let yourself go, or you focus on your looks, workout a lot, etc, preparing for the 'next one'. Flirting a lot, feeling all up when a 'prospect' pays attention to you, and all down when no one does. You also feel bored and restless by yourself, or even with friends when you go out and there is no 'interesting' guy to focus your attention on...

6] You pride yourself in having multiple guys who 'want' you... Regardless of the fact that they aren't compatible or are unavailable...

In a nutshell, that's obsessive love, or at least how I understand it.

Anyway, thanks again for reading this!

I feel less alone in this

Edited April 10, 2009 by tourdelove

[emptysoul]

the things you say just make so much sense

here is my little piece on what you said,

and what came to my mind as i was reading it and how it made me feel, what i generally feel from the things you said, and yeah [hope you don't mind]

they/them just means the partner, not your friends and family, sorry if that seems to get a bit confusing, i wanted to try and separate the feelings/what you do vs the inner feeling and what you mentally think. I tend to make things sound more confusing then needed sometimes, sorry.

1] *The feelings*They/the partner seems so wonderful, everybody just seems to disappear, they're all you need and want. From their wonderful hair, to the clothes that they wear. You fall in love with the smile, the eyes, and make them everything there is in life...

I don't really fall easily, but when i do fall for somebody, there is always reasons, and i find it so hard to let them go as much as i push them away. I fall in love with the words that they say 'my last boyfriend impressed me because everything i said he agreed with, we seemed so alike, he had the same beliefs as me, and said he'd always be there for me and never do what my past boyfriends done, we had the same interest and much more'; little did i know that everything he told me was a lie, and he made a fake person for me to love 'as he admitted'.

2] *the feelings*You want to be the most beautiful person in their eyes, you want them to only desire you, you want their friends to think good of you as you know if they say you're ugly or anything bad your partner may listen to their thoughts and think it also. A bad hair day will bring you to tears, them not saying you look beautiful makes you feel so rejected, yet when they do say you feel beautiful you feel so upset that they didn't say it the day before, did you look bad yesterday ?. ...

i use to and still do run to mirror every couple of minutes to check my make up and re do my make up on a bad day, sometimes hourly on a good day 'depending on what we were doing', i will check myself in the mirror every couple of minutes while waiting for the boy i love just in case i rubbed a bit of makeup off. i always fixed myself up in case he came over after work with a surprise visit, even at 12am, i'd re shower and do my hair and make up with a 90% chance he wouldn't even come over, i tried to be beautiful in his eyes and then felt so rejected when he had photos of others and not me, i broke down when i was half naked in front of him and he watched the tv instead, or when i felt him get hard over movies yet he seemed to have so much trouble with me. But as much as it hurt and i was angry, it made me try harder and harder and to erase every other girl in his view and in his mind, i wanted to be it all, no competition. You drive both yourself and your partner insane, yet it becomes so hard to control.

3] Reading that one actually brought tears to my eyes.

*the feelings* You want all their time, every second of their life; i guess you get so lost in the moment you can't even see what you are doing. you want them to be there, and when they aren't you feel so betrayed and rejected, are they watching tv or looking at girls on the net, or doing things that will hurt you and putting other things over you, why aren't they with you, they should be with you...

I feel so lost whenever my ex isn't around, i need him there, i don't leave my room unless his here with me, otherwise i'd rather just be in my bed. I've lost track how many times i have told the boy i love to get out of my life because things didn't go my way and i felt betrayed, and when he doesn't come back i freak out, once i realize his given up on me i feel so alone and beg for him back, and when he comes back, even if only as a friend, then the bad thoughts come back, it a circle that is so hard to end

4] That is the scariest part, you want to know what they're upto, you want them to hear you, i called my ex tonight just to say i wanted my bangles back, and felt sick when i heard background sounds. I day dream about how i'm going to fix my teeth, remove my freckles and get rid of everything i believe is a flaw so i am perfect and so he'll love me and treat me how he treated others, so he'll be proud to have a photo of me. i tell myself his missing me, and yet usually find out with snooping his turned back to past girls or new girls.

i think i just learnt something about myself by doing that little activity;

like i know it wasn't a activity and it's probably really annoying me constantly talking about myself, but um i think i know one of my problems now.

thank you for writing that, it really hit the spot and made sense to me

though everyday i tell myself and try to control all of those feelings and it never works, soon as i think i see him look at another girl my mood changes, even now when his only a friend i can't help but act like a obsessive girlfriend, i want to be there for him as a friend, i want to try and make him love me again, but then i see him perv and i know it's never going to happen, but i want it so bad.