A list of my problems

[Dark Enity]

I am trying to put together a list of issues which I need to fix, so I can fix them.

This is what I have come up with so far. Please chime in if anybody else see anything else they think I need to address.

1. Passive Aggressive

2. Sexual addiction (frotteurism)

3. Narcissist

4. Controlling

5. Total lack of empathy/ Lack of compassion

I think that when Ginger stopped feeding the narcissist in me is when I went south.

I have told her to leave for her happiness as I really do want her to be happy.

I have joined a sexual addiction group on line for my sexual addiction.

Other then that where do I start to fix these problems.

[David O]

Dark Enity,

I would be more interested in a list of what qualities your believe are positive, strengthening and affirming about you. Since you've joined, I've read a long list of everything possibly wrong with your personality... what I haven't heard are things about you that are positive.

If my only lens to see myself was microscopic, darkly tinted and only took a kaleidoscope of pessimistic and depressing images, I would be unable to start therapy. If you approached me as a friend or as a therapist with this list, my first question would be: "Is there anything within you, that you see, that we can build on?" Few people are purely darkness.

I worked in a prison for 5 years, even among the inmates we were able to find and build upon their strengths.... please tell us about those things within you that are redeeming.

[Dark Enity]

David O. Thank you for your help. I tried to post a little earlier, but the post just disappeared. I use to have good qualities, but they have seemed to have disappeared. Here is some things which I have thought of. If they are not what you are looking for please let me know and I will try again.

1. I like to help people. (does this feed my narcissist.)

2. I tend to focus on problems at work till I get them taken care of.

3. I have been looking back over the length of my marriage and I can see that I was a poor husband and father. This is making me feel real bad.

4. I do feel bad about what I have done.

5. I am starting to get more spiritual reading the bible etc.

I hope this answers your questions, but if not let me know and I will give it a another try. I saw your response this morning and tried to post asap, but my post disappeared. Thank you and God Bless

[David O]

Dark Enity,

You’ve been involved so long in looking at your problems I fear you’ve lost sight of what may be “good” within you. My picture of you is colored by so much of what has happened between you and Ginger, and so I wonder if yours might be also, but even more so? Look carefully within yourself… do you see honesty, compassion, warmth, intelligence, wisdom, the true desire to help others, etc. You will need to find these within yourself or develop them as you look at your life ahead.

Do you have close friends? Do you have anyone in your life, such as family, who deeply cares about you and can see what is good within you? You may need to find these things.

Dark Enity, some ways that could really help would be to begin devoting some of your time to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, or an animal shelter, a nursing home, as a mentor with the Big Brothers, or any other organization devoted to helping others. It’s easy to describe who and what we are, much more telling is to begin acting these definitions of ourselves. I’ve seen lives changed once they begin to give to others and lose themselves in the process. Make a plan to contact any one of these organizations within 1 week, and to be “on the job” within 2-3 weeks. Shoot for no less than 4 hours per week to start, then move to 6 within 3 weeks and 8 within 6 weeks. You’ll begin to see changes within yourself in a few months. This will only work if you stick to it for an extended period. The key is to stop self absorbing/focusing on yourself so much and begin focusing on how best you can get outside of this belly-button perspective. As an aside, the ongoing tensions between you and Ginger can only further damage each of you-- is there a way you can stop these interactions?

Is there anyone in your community you can talk with about these issues

Good Luck and I hope this helps

[Guest GingerSnap]

David O: My husband said to post. My husband is talking to someone about his issues, me and let's face it, I am the only one who is willing to actually talk about the problem at hand and not dance around it and try to get him to understand and do something positive about it whether that be leave me and find someone that tolerates it or take care of the problem. We don't have extended family. Big Brother, what about his own son with Down syndrome? Right now my husband is working 55 hours a week and trying to finish home repairs that must be completed before winter. And, "As an aside, the ongoing tensions between you and Ginger can only further damage each of you-- is there a way you can stop these interactions? " Yes, and he knows that if he stops the fetish behavior or suggestions that would lead to it, especially the identified ritual, the tensions would greatly decrease. My husband is standing behind me and says "Amen to that." Isn't there a get your head out of your butt therapy? Seriously, early in the marriage when I said "That is it, get your head out of your butt." and stayed with it, things were better. Now, when I say "What do you think the problem is?" He says, "My head is up my butt." Isn't there a therapy for that? Maybe a set of forceps is all that is needed? While we both appreciate your suggestions, these will further strain the situation and not bring a resolution to our immediate problem. He already ignores his family and you suggest that he go out into the community - these are good suggestions for when he is on his own. We all know that my husband does not want out of this relationship and would probably do anything that I asked if he could, he can't shake the fetish but has started the SAA online meetings. Just got this verified from him, he is making coffee in the kitchen a special brew and my son is touching my head, the dog asleep at my feet. Our yard is filled with beautiful flowers and decoration and a vegetable garden. House is clean, clothes clean, home cooked meals always on the table, whenever anyone comes to visit - they don't want to leave as they say it fills so peaceful here, crafts made by all family members adorn the walls as well as photos from our life, there are special home dehydrated snacks, cupboards full of herbs and herbal tinctures, and as it said in our homestudy done for adoption, (I wasn't suppose to ever see it - I have ways), "The family has interesting dynamics but any child that would be adopted by this family would have their needs met". I was telling my husband this morning that our lives go along in a "normal" way but the fetish always rears its ugly head and ruins everything and it is not a negotiable - I put up with so many other things but they were not a violation of my value system. ***Switching to husband so you know I don't have him locked in the closet while I sneak around and post on his thread:

This is Dark Enity: I thank you for your suggestions, but I think they would cause more problems at this time then help. I need to put in more time doing things for my family while I still have it. I am planning to do something with our youngest son this morning, and then do some work on the house for winter. (I replaced the door on the basement yesterday and plan to paint it today) I am going to go to the SAA online meetings tonight and tomorrow night in attempt to get rid of this evil fetish which I now have. Planning to order a copy of the SAA manual to give me more help with it. I am also reading the bible more and listening to the bible on tape. I have also listening to CVY america and AFR radio. I have a CD from Jimmy Carter of a Sunday school lessons which I listen to. I am also reading Dr Phil books in an attempt to get my self on the straight and narrow. (Reading life strategies) I am doing all these things and while I do feel there are changes they are small and not coming fast enough.

[David O]

Thank you both for answering, I feel somewhat like a mosquito at a nudist colony... I know what I gotta do but I just don't know where to start-- you're there and I'm here! The going out, as suggested earlier, was not just about helping others and getting out of your skin... it was also about creating some distance as it seems each of you is underfoot at some time or another. I could be very wrong here, but if the main issue is the "fetish"-- then this would be my point of attack.

This community may not be the best place for resolving this as being here may only postpone the real need to see someone professionally ASAP. I know you guys live in a small community and there aren't many resources, but my thinking is that even small communities in West TX, NM, PA and in other states, with populations of <1500 have mental health services. Is there anything where you guys live?

My suggestion, and I'll end here b/c we seem to go round and round daily on one or another aspect of this, is to see your MD (Dark) and get placed on an anti-depressant (an SSRI) and then you seek counseling, even from a minister. The issue to address would surround intimacy problems. Wait 6-8 weeks after the meds start before you begin counseling. The counselor should be someone who can both dig beneath the surface to "why" this occurs and then also assign you behavioral homework of things you should do between sessions. I would have you use the TEA or ABC form (which gets at your cognitions/thoughts) before you engage in the behavior.

Ginger and Dark, I'm so sorry if I'm not understanding all of the issues, tjis is very complex and each new post is another window into your relationship.

I know this has been a hard life for both of you.

Edited September 20, 2009 by David O

[David O]

Dark and Ginger,

I seem to keep going round and round here and then becoming slightly discouraged. I can only wonder how much more you guys must feel this way. I began to do a reality check for myself, something I do when things keep going in circles for me. I think it's best to be honest at this point since hurdles keep popping up. My hope is that neither of you take this as an insensitive and heartless observation, it's simply an observation. A few days ago Malign made an comment that resulted in some defensiveness and throwing of "rocks" at him. I tried to expand on his thinking, but got a curt thanks but no thanks. I thought immediately that maybe there was more to it.

Let me put it on the table, hoping that both of you will be open to this possibility and honestly explore it alone or together. It seems to me, from reading the combined posts of both of you over the past month, that each of you have a lot invested in maintaining the status quo. Suggestions to make changes are usually met with reasons not to make a change. Likewise, interpretations by others of what is occurring, especially those that place responsibility equally on both of you, are often quickly rejected.

My 1st wife had Bipolar Disorder and a long term affair: this doesn't mean I was an innocent victim-- I contributed to the demise of our marriage too, although I claimed innocence and victimhood for 2-3 years after the marriage ended. Couples I see in therapy sometimes come in with only one accepting or being compelled to accept all of the blame, but as we dig deeper, we find that in 99% of the cases, both have contributed to the problem. Rarely is one 100% innocent and w/o blemish, and yet both parties are 100% responsible (note I didn't use the word "cause") for the marriage either collapsing or being a happy union.

Listen to yourselves, listen carefully to what you read and write about each other, and do so as objectively as possible-- you may reach the same conclusion. By way of example, Ginger, in one post you worried that your husband who was with your son, alone, might be sexually inappropriate with him and you weren't sure you wanted them together; however, in here you suggest that he spend more time with him as opposed to going elsewhere to volunteer. Contradictions and inconsistencies such as this are scattered throughout.

The next question for me would be whether or not you're both really ready to make changes, and if so, to what extent. Your response to this will help me (and both of you) understand and know better.

Edited September 21, 2009 by David O

[Guest GingerSnap]

David O: As posted in my blog, "too many cooks in the kitchen'! :eek: I know, as does my husband, that you especially have put a lot of thought into our situation, a whole, whole lot sincerely. I just have a set of beliefs at my core that will dictate where I go with this and I came more in search of knowledge of the issue rather than a solution. I do know, however, that suggesting someone volunteer for Big Brothers when they have an outercourse fetish/addiction not being fulfilled - might want to rethink that unless you are like the counselor he saw? It was hard because the counselor he saw twice (I was so happy the first time he went because I thought this was my dream come true, finally he was going to get help) minimized the fetish/addiction problem. My husband is working the SAA program now along with some reading materials and he agrees that we have become overwhelmed by the outside world. I have immense trust that God will direct my path and my husband will either "get it" or he won't. Oh, and don't hold your breath until I accept any responsibility for the poor condition of the relationship, walk a mile in my shoes.... David O, really I appreciated it. I'll be departing the community as I am overwhelmed, exhausted and perplexed by this but God will direct my path.

[David O]

Ginger,

I respect your decision and believe you know what is best given what you've been thru. Your comment tho, which you also shared with Mailign, "Oh, and don't hold your breath until I accept any responsibility for the poor condition of the relationship, walk a mile in my shoes.... David O, really I appreciated it." shows just where you are in this long process.

I'm so sorry for where this is ending and where it's been. I wish both of you well. God bless.

David

Edited September 23, 2009 by David O