Love and personality disorders.

[Donna]

Im ashamed admitting this i say i love my children and my grandson and im not sure im being honest because i dont believe in or feel any of that movies,books, songs and poetry BS which is supposedly how it's meant to be tbh if that is how it's meant to be im glad i dont have all that to deal with lol

I really dont understand how love's supposed to feel i just dont have those so called feelings there that other people say they have, they sound so alien kind of like someone describing a red banana to me.

some people have tried to explain it to me and it always seems to me like they're talking crap and sound like they're auditioning for gone with the wind or love story!

Ive read that people with personality disorders dont feel love ..so why dont the two go together?

[IrmaJean]

Loving is caring for another person's happiness, health and well-being. It involves feelings of fondness and a deep affection for someone. You appreciate the person and accept them as they are, faults and all. You enjoy being in their company. I think we respond differently depending on who it is we are loving, but in essence the feelings are affectionate and caring.

When we are in love with someone, that person seems to bring out some of our very best qualities. I believe that some of the good feelings we experience from being in love (aside from the rush of chemicals being released in our brains) comes from the realization of what we have discovered in ourselves.

I'm not really certain what you mean about a correlation with personality disorders and difficulty with loving. :confused: It could simply be my ignorance on the matter. Maybe you mean that certain challenges which any one individual might have could cause these types of feelings to be confusing or difficult to manage?

[mscat]

Im ashamed admitting this i say i love my children and my grandson and im not sure im being honest because i dont believe in or feel any of that movies,books, songs and poetry BS which is supposedly how it's meant to be tbh if that is how it's meant to be im glad i dont have all that to deal with lol

I really dont understand how love's supposed to feel i just dont have those so called feelings there that other people say they have, they sound so alien kind of like someone describing a red banana to me.

some people have tried to explain it to me and it always seems to me like they're talking crap and sound like they're auditioning for gone with the wind or love story!

Ive read that people with personality disorders dont feel love ..so why dont the two go together?

Personality Disorders, do not mean a person does not feel love. Some personality disorders, BPD, i think iMO, feel it stronger, deeply and more intensely.

A socio path is the only disorder that I know of that does not care how other think or feel . A narrsisist is anther one, but that is not a personality disorder.

Sometimes, It is difficult for a lot of people to show love, towards others. Not uncommon. Music , about love and relationships, well, that is just music, not all music is going to move a person.

Thing is, if a family member was to become hurt, or serioulsy ill, that is the true test, those feelings of caring , and love will surface quickly .

[Donna]

.

Thing is, if a family member was to become hurt, or serioulsy ill, that is the true test, those feelings of caring , and love will surface quickly .

thats kind of what i meant, i have to act that' i know at times like that im supposed to be upset or worried or something but i dont really, im more worried that im not acting worried or upset when im supposed to be.

for eg when my son was hit by a car everyone was crying shaking etc i had to make myself watch them and act as they did so that people would know i was upset and cared, in reality i was a bit numb and other than that it was a bit of a shock and i didnt want him to be hurt i didnt really feel anything and thats the same with anything, like at funerals i have to make myself cry like everyone else does.

and the romantic stuff..i dont get that in a million years! im diagnosed with bpd but i can say hand on heart that love is the last thing i strongly need or want or feel.

IrmaJean, you said that love is caring for another person's happiness, health and well-being. It involves feelings of fondness and a deep affection for someone. You appreciate the person and accept them as they are, faults and all..thats something else i dont really have, i try to but it just isnt there..i see someone i supposedly care about and they are ill unhappy or whatever and (well i generally i dont see it unless they tell me lol im a bit thick in that department!) i dont have a clue what im supposed to do or say tbh half the time i want to tell them to shut up and go to the dr or something all i can think is why tell me? what the hell am i supposed to do? as for peoples faults well they drive me nuts!! and i cant accept them and definately cant have them pushed on me! yes im aware i have my own faults too,more faults than most people have and that people cant have mine pushed on them either.

and as for the touchy touchy stuff urgggh it usually makes my skin crawl,im not a touchy feely person i can manage to hug and kiss my children and occasionally my b/f but if they touch or kiss me it's very very difficult, i can cope with my kids doing it ..just..but when my b/f does it i have to get away it makes me want to hit him most times.

but thats what i meant about love and personality disorders, i thought thats how it was and that the two dont go together?

Edited October 8, 2009 by Donna

[JulianP]

deleted....

Edited February 5, 2010 by JulianP

[Donna]

Thankyou JP,

It was a rhetorical question i dont actually have any desire to be loving,emotional etc it simply isnt there and the understanding of it isnt, like the red banana anology i used, if anyone can understand that?

i do however worry that my children and grandson will suffer, although i know they havnt, they're always telling me and showing me how loved they feel by me.

i am very defensive and protective of them and they do feel happy secure and loved with me which probably plays a big part in that, i do have feelings for them just not the ones other people say they have,and i show them in other ways, i can hug and kiss them and tell them i love them like i see other people do with their children and im very good at acting when they hug and kiss me although i do find that extremely hard.

i have had a few awkward times in my life and my b/f has also said many times that he believes it plays a part in it and that i have built up defences but i honestly dont believe thats true for me, before anything ever happened my mum said i was that way as soon as i was toddling and independant enough i would extract myself from any affection, was indifferent and never was the type who would run crying to mummy or daddy if i grazed my knee, got ill or whatever and i would brush off any attempt of sympathy or care and stop crying (if i even started to) the minute anyone came near me.

i never thought anything of it before and just thought other people were soft, sloppy or watched to many soppy films, it wasnt until i was diagnosed with bpd and began reading about it that i noticed the supposed ''differences'' and wondered why/if the two were connected.

an aside..it's interesting that mscat mentioned narcissism and sociopathy ive been compared to that on quite a few occasons and told that im cold unfeeling have no empathy or concern for others selfish attenton seeking (and loads of other similar lovely traits lol) although i dont believe i am either of those and i do have sympathy for people if they're not physically near me for eg i come here and read peoples stores and can feel really sad or angry for them but im just not good at showing it or expressing it it's in person that i dont feel anything..again i was led to believe that they were all traits of bpd.

none of this really matters i suppose but i am a very curious person and once i start to learn about something in relation to me especially i want to know more and more and to understand it.

and i guess i want to know why or what makes me a bit 'different' to most people even if i dont really give a toss that i am, except when it suits me not to be on occasions.

Edited October 8, 2009 by Donna

[mscat]

OK , well, I am not a touchy feely person AT ALL :mad: one bit . That one has got me real good. If that means love, than well I am screwed.... Even a tap on the shoulder gives the the shudders, I just can't deal with any type of physical touch . Not well at all.

Never much have ever been . Yes, I have a diagnoses of BPD< and PTSD, as well as MAjor Depression. and have been raped as a teen. as well as abused the first 3 yrs as a child, then further absued in foster care> NOT a great life.

HUmmmm , guess i am jsut a little messed up? the only physcial touch that seems to appease me is SI, once in a blue moon a hug can be tolerated. other than that , my body senses a revulsion to a normal touch.

I hate it. That is not an exageration.

What I do accept is to pet my dogs, this comforts me . my son, he is affectionent, and this is difficult. My own child, and sometimes, he startles me badly, I feel so terrible. Of course I love him so much, however, physically , it is very hard for me to show him with hugs and stuff.

I think in my case it is just from my past experiences that have ruined what is supposed to be pleasant, has made it to be really bad and tereible for me. Even as a small child I have not tolerated hugs or to be touched well. I always startled easily , and hated to be touched , always!

To me , that is not really love ? but just a way to express love, but not all ways .

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Mscat,

The things that happened to you are truly terrible.

I want you to know that you are not "Messed Up." You are you and we love you and value YOU!!!

Allan:)

[Guest GingerSnap]

"Love" is an over used word these days. Love is not a noun but an action verb. As I read your post, I saw that you love your children (in my definition) by your actions and I see a lot of people that say they love their children but it doesn't show. Love is difficult to define.

[JaneE]

I have the same problem, Donna, so I feel for you!

I was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder, for the record.

It's always been hard for me to be affectionate. I have no memory of abuse, but I do believe I was somewhat neglected. I had a roof over my head, decent clothing and food, but I was left alone a LOT. I didn't mind it, I think... I know I always preferred to be away from people.

I never wanted to grow up because I saw love as being the primary destroyer of peoples' peace of mind (at the very least). I saw adults behaving horridly and blamed love. I cultivated an interest in Things instead of People.

I never really acquired "womanly" skills. Never learned to be nurturing or whatever, never was interested in cooking/food/hostessing, never dreamed of getting married/being a bride, that sort of girlish stuff.

I live with a man who is very physical, and that's been extremely hard for me, very wearing and vexing. It took me years to get him to stop groping me inappropriately, and he still does this weird thing of trying to pat my stomach. After the birth of my son, my stomach has been the weakest part of my body, and I have a lot of physical problems there. So I flinch whenever he does this and he gets angry with me!!! WTF? I've told him please don't do that but he thinks if he keeps doing it I will change my mind about it. Grrrr His attitude makes me wanna slam my head into a brick wall!!

So yeah, I can totally relate, I'm so tired of feeling like a freak. At times I just wanna go away somewhere by myself forever.

[Symora]

I was interested in reading your description of yourself. I agree that you are loving and kind in your actions, so what difference does it make what it is called or not called....

While I was reading I was thinking about autism for some reason, the incapacity to connect on certain levels ...

It does not appear to affect your capacity to function or be there for your family. Sometimes I wish I would be more detached emotionally, perhaps I could make better choices for my life

Salut Symora

[JaneE]

Oops I know this is old, but I just wanted to say it's really the OPPOSITE of detachment, it's like you're too overstimulated and freaked out to tolerate more than just physical proximity. Being in the same room can be too much sometimes. Actual touch becomes overwhelming!

I have to "detach" and grit my teeth for physical encounters, if you take my meaning. I just pretend to enjoy them. I cannot reach out.

I often blame my husband's physical abuse of me early on in our relationship for this, and I think that's part of it, but I have never been an affectionate person. I hated for my parents to touch me, too.