I don't want to be alone today

[smallstar]

I don't want to be alone today but I don't know how not to be. I don't have options. I can remain in my room or I can go downstairs but that is worse. I should be used to it but some days it's worse. Even if I did have a friend I wouldn't know what to do with myself. There are no solutions.

[IrmaJean]

I'll sit here with you, Smallstar. I'm not familiar with what has been going on in your life, but you sound lonely. I'm curious, though, why would going downstairs be worse?

[smallstar]

Hi irmajean, thank you. I try not to go downstairs, my family is down there, too much tension and anger. I am lonely, though I don't like to admit it. I wish I knew how not to be alone, but it's not something I'm good at. I just wish things were different that's all. It's just been a long weekend, I think that is why things seem harder right now. My guess is I'm not trying hard enough but I am too busy convincing myself it's pointless, trying not to fight reality. Either way though, it hurts.

[IrmaJean]

That's sounds very stressful and sad, Smallstar. Interesting screen name. Is that how you feel? As if your light is not noticed? That you are a "small star"? Stars that glow often have the potential to shine brilliantly. Any other family members upstairs with you who aren't tense and angry? Walking on eggshells all of the time can be extrememly stressful. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way.

[smallstar]

The name isn't interesting, the word small is random, I was sadstar but needed it changed,can't be just star, I like the stars. It's my parents downstairs, my siblings are out, they have lives. Walking on eggshells is exactly what living in my house entails. I try to keep them happy, I've given up trying for my own life to try and please them but it still doesn't work. Now it's too late,things are too set, I'm too old, and my being here is too expected. I know it's not right but I'm too afraid to change it.

[SweetSue]

hi star,

Hun Im sorry your feeling so alone, its really harsh for you

Things are so difficult for you at home. Is there any chance that maybe you could take that big step and find the inner strength to consider moving into your own appartment ?

I understand that, that is a scarey idea for you, and the guilt of leaving your mom alone with your dad is overwhelming. Sometimes you need to put yourself first.

You deserve some happiness star, and you have the right to find your own independance and have the feeling of calmness and safety in your home.

We all care about you star, and are here for you. Im proud of you star, and hope that thingss work out for you

take care hun

sue

[smallstar]

Hi Jj, thanks. Leaving isn't possible for me right now. Too much goes through my head just at the thought. I am okay, it was just a long weekend, I guess I was being a bit of a brat yesterday. It's hard because sometimes it's okay and sometimes it's not. Yesterday just wasn't a good day.

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[smallstar]

Thank you jetliner, that is kind of you.

[SweetSue]

star,

You are not a brat, you have never acted "bratyfied" (ok dont know if thats a word ~ guess it is now )

its ok, to express how you feel hun

Were all here for you,

take care

Jj

Edited November 30, 2009 by SweetSue

[Guest GingerSnap]

smallstar: Well, if you went from sadstar to smallstar, maybe you'll be shiningstar here down the road a little. Ref: "Now it's too late,things are too set, I'm too old..." in my 55 years of life and all the thousands of people that I have met, this usually isn't why I have seen "too late, too set, too old" really don't apply to life in general - maybe catching a bus, arriving at work, joining the Army, and Jello can be "too set" to mix in the fruit (I can never remember to get in stirred in not even when I was younger, I have no idea why.). I am not very familiar with your issues but I have seen people move on in such amazing ways once they find the proper "tools" and understand what it is that they want to do with their lives - one's life really should include a map of where they are going and a plan for the trip to get there. Hope you feeling better.

[smallstar]

ha, yeah, I don't think I'll ever be shining star

thanks gingersnap. I know that technically it's not too late, but I just don't believe I'm strong enough to be able to change things. Each day gone by everything seems more permanent. Even if I weren't afraid to talk to people, how does someone even begin to make friends at my age? And, even if I were brave enough to try I'm not lying when I say people just don't like me. And besides all that, I need to try and make my brain understand that it is okay to go out, I shouldn't feel bad for not sitting with my mom, but I do, and I can't get past it. Even on the rare occasion I will go out somewhere with my sister, the decision to even leave takes forever, than the whole time I'm out I'm just worried about when I'll get home, and try so hard to get home before she goes to bed, I feel very guilty if I get home after she's already in bed. I don't know, I'm going on about nothing here. My point is I just feel like I've set up my life this way and don't think I am strong enough to change it.

[Guest GingerSnap]

smallstar: Never answer any question I ask unless you are comfortable but I am endlessly curious, like the cat and I know what it did to the cat but, anyway, how old are you? I am really hoping you are younger than me because otherwise, if you are too old, what am I? OK, maybe like ancient. In our mid-50's, we are trying to change our lives because it is necessary. I pushed both of my kids to be independent after seeing what my mother was doing to my brother who is dysfunctional in I am guessing a major way by this point -even my adult son with Down syndrome who functions at the pre-school level has an air of independence (OK, this doesn't work so good obviously but I am still proud that he is so outgoing and independent although,,,but that is another story). Right now, we are getting ready to totally change our lives. I know that it must be hard with your mother but still, you need a life of your own. You obviously need confidence and be able to really look at yourself the way that others probably see you. People that are shy and/or quiet are often misunderstood as being "stuck up" or "unfriendly" so people tend to shy away from them - could this be an issue with you? Like I said, I don't want to make you uncomfortable but I just sort of jumped in your life this morning so am trying to catch up. I am, however, interested in what "too old" is defined as since I am getting a "complex" being in this thread.

[smallstar]

Oh, I don't think you're old, I just mean I am too old in that I have wasted too much time that I don't think I could ever the life I would like to have. I am 27, I know that probably doesn't sound too old, but I just think I missed too much time and more time is passing. I don't see a way that that will change. I know it is up to me to change it, I just don't think I am able to.

Yes, I think that my being shy makes people think I don't want to talk to them, or like you said, that I am unfriendly. I am not unfriendly, but it is probably true I don't want people to talk to me, but then I know that there is no way to make friends unless you talk, so I'm just a little stuck there.

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[Guest GingerSnap]

smallstar: 27? Well, then I wouldn't be ancient to you, I would be prehistoric!:eek: I have changed my life a lot of times. I started out "shy" but, something happened a long the way that made that different but still, often even though others would see me as really outgoing and in the middle of everything, I just have to get away from them because of being overstimulated - they are driving me crazy! I have the advantage of being willing to try even though my chances for success are not always that great. I can laugh at myself. So, what would your life look like if it were what you want it to be? What do you wish your life was? I have asked myself this question, answered it and am now working on the dynamics of getting there and it won't be easy and being "prehistoric" there is more risk involved. Maybe this is my second childhood or third, fourth......So, imagine yourself with a happy life and tell me about the elements involved in that.

[smallstar]

Jetliner, I don't have a secret. I don't know what keeps me from talking, but whatever it is, it is strong, and I have a feeling it can't be changed.

Gingersnap, yeah, I don't see you as shy

Myself with a happy life, well I'm not really sure. I wish I was able to be at home with my parents and not be worried the whole time. I wish I was able to leave my parents house. I would love to live alone, where I could be okay, and be able to relax. I wish I could get married and have children. But I can't even have a friend, how could I ever have a husband. I feel guilty just going to bed earlier than my mom, how could I leave home altogether? I know these things are my own fault, and can only be changed by me, but I have a strong feeling that these things will never happen.

[IrmaJean]

Hi Smallstar. What Gingersnap eluded to about shyness was my very first "lightbulb moment" in therapy. It sounds so simple and yet I had never even considered it. For my entire life, I'd always thought that no one liked me. But in truth, I was unapproachable. I was so self-conscious and worried about how I was being perceived that I was too afraid to give. During therapy, I tried an experiment at work. I work as a cashier in a convenient store. I tried improving my posture, appearing confident and smiling at everyone. Suddenly people began responding to me more positively, which gave me more confidence, to which they responded to me even more. I was pretty amazed. It can be scary at first, but it really does work.

Gingersnap is right about never being too old to change. I'm 41 and I just worked through my shyness a year or so ago. I'm still an introvert, but I find that I really do enjoy people. Sometimes you have to give yourself the chance. It's a risk, but it can be very rewarding. As you share more of yourself with others, you will also come to learn more about yourself.

It's okay to get out there and do things for yourself. Does your mother have someone else there to sit with her at night?

[smallstar]

I'd imagine that would be difficult to do, learn not to be shy. After knowing only shyness for an entire life. No, noone else would be with my mother, but it's not necessary, she's plenty capable of being on her own. My dad would be in another room. My brothers are never home, they are out, doing whatever. I don't know why I feel so bad leaving her. Whenever I am going to go out for whatever reason, I always tell her I don't really want to go, and make it like I'm just doing it out of obligation, even if I really want to go. I don't know why I just don't say to her that I really would like to go do whatever it is. I don't know why the guilt is there. After I tell her how I really don't want to go she than starts trying to help me come up with excuses, and than gets mad when I won't use the excuses, but it's because I wasn't really looking for an excuse, I actually wanted to go. I make things more difficult than they need to be.

[Guest GingerSnap]

smallstar: I am wondering too about your mom, what her needs are in the way of "care". I can't help but think of my brother and my Mom - I said once "I wish Roger would get married." and she said "No! He can't get married I need him here with me." - Well, my mom died a couple years ago and my brother lives on welfare in my parents house which he inherited, no friends, no wife, no life. This was unfair of my mother but for some reason he chose not to leave and he is now 52 years old. You would need to take all of this is small steps. First the shyness I suppose so you can get some confidence going - well, with guys my friend years ago taught the "come hither" look! This was a riot but simply amounts to giving some signal that you might be interested in talking a little - a look and/or a little smile? Really, no one wants to be rejected putting themselves out there so you have to start meeting people halfway. IrmaJean gave some good advice. I was actually one of the candidates for shyest girl in the class! Now, when I tell people that they laugh and think it is a joke! Good places to pick up guys - well, what kind of guys do you want to meet? The hardware department is good and so is the grocery store. You go into the grocery store and just get one of those hand carry baskets and look for guys with those too and just buy single serve (no shopping for the family) and just study the food and ask "Have you ever tried this." Or, the bookstore. Or, the video store. Or, the library. A glance. A smile. This works to make friends of either sex. You just start small. My older son, I swear I thought that child would never marry and finally at 27, he met someone and they have a couple kids now. He was more the just looking for a wife rather than the whole dating thing. I think being comfortable, body language is everything because I try to mind my own business - OK, who's going to believe that:D - and people are drawn to me asking about products and what I think of things and in 2 minutes I am visiting with them since I knew them from birth - I guess learn to love yourself and let yourself shine - hey, shining star, that's how it will happen.

[smallstar]

That's my fear, that I will be living with my parents forever. And that future for me just seems more solid everyday.

I can't just meet people in stores and such. I avoid people in stores. I have no skills with people whatsoever. If someone approached me and asked me if I ever tried something, I'd probably shake my head no, put my head down and dart in the opposite direction. Pathetic.

[SweetSue]

Hey star

(me again, hey hum) star you wont be living at home with your parents forever hun, ok, so maybe your still be there next week or next month or even next year. But one day you will just wake up and realise that you just need to move, the urge to move and have some freedom will become stronger than the guilt that is keeping you living at home. Sounds silly eh ? but its kinda true. one day you will put yourself first, and realise that its ok, to do so, and that your mom will be ok and manage without you being there 24/7. And you will soon discover that you are perfectly able to cope with living on your own.

You're not pathetic, your having a harsh time.

Your get there hun

take care

Jj

Edited November 30, 2009 by SweetSue

[smallstar]

thanks jj, I guess it just feels impossible right now. Who knows what will happen, but I'm sure whatever happens it will be through no choice of my own, or decision of my own.

[SweetSue]

awww star

Dont under estimate yourself hun. You are perfectly capable of making choices for yourself on your own. you have just been put down for so long now, that you cant see it

You know you make good choices everyday. I reckon if you thought about the possitives of what you do, and achieve then things wont feel or seem so bad. star you manage to hold down a really difficult job, Im sure you have to make decisions all the time at work, right ? You dont have anyone there doing your job for you. Theres not many people that would have the patience and the people skills that your job demands. So right there, that shows me that you can do anything once you set your mind to do something.

Give yourself a little credit hun, try be proud of yourself. Were proud of you

[Guest GingerSnap]

smallstar: You have to kind of push yourself to do meet people, set a goal to say "hi" or flash a smile. No, it is not easy but it, like everything else, gets easier with time. I'm not sure what job you do but I know a lot of times, the job you do limits the types of people that you have contact with and that can be very limiting. Also, do your parents need you to live at home or do you need to live at home or is it a little of both? You are going to have to push yourself a little at a time to do this. I'll ponder this and maybe have some more to say tomorrow. You need to make some goals about meeting people though, little ones and you can start with greeting Grandma and work your way up to the hot guy! Here in this terrible town, many of these people lack social skills in a major way so I walk past people who do a variety of things: stare at me with a cold look, head down, and my personal favorite - when I say "hi" they stare at me like a bird just landed on my head and I just say to the dog once we are past them "Well, I guess they just didn't think much of us." - I imagine she agrees since she loves being petted by anyone. I still have to push myself to be assertive in public sometimes but it pays off. Baby steps - you have no idea how my parents overprotected myself and my brother and how hard it was to turn it around, it takes awhile but determination "I will do this." versus "I will try." you can do this - I did! I never raised my hand once to answer a question in school and I was one of the "smart" kids - I just tried to be invisible - now I am just like, well, sort of like a tornado:D ***Have you tried this: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=353&cn=353

Edited November 30, 2009 by GingerSnap
Thoughts popping into my head a little late again