I don't want to be alone today

[IrmaJean]

Yes, I agree. Baby steps. My therapist told me about the SUDS (Subjective Units of Disturbance) scale. There is a 0-10 scale, where zero is neutral and 10 being the greatest disturbance. The idea being to keep challenging yourself and work your way up the scale. When you expose yourself to your fears you gradually (hopefully) become desensitized to them. It can also be helpful to know of your own progress and to be proactive about changing things.

[smallstar]

thanks everyone. Babysteps, I've been told that before, I guess I'll just need to try and figure this out. I am home now and everything is impossible again. My parents they don't need me here, they're healthy and not too old. I don't have the guts to leave. He would be angry and I guess I really don't have a good enough reason to leave. I wouldn't have an argument, not that I'd argue it anyway. I don't know why I can't figure this out.

[SweetSue]

Hey star,

Maybe you cant figure it out coz, its just to hard for you. Or maybe you have figured it out already but cant accept in your heart that the conclusion that you arrived at is right. Do think that you might just be scared, that you will be judged if you do work things out by your parents, and that they will be cross at you ?

Oh I dont know, just thinking out loud really, does any of this make sense to you hun ?

Hope your ok tonight

take care

Jj

[smallstar]

hi jj, yeah you make sense. I guess none of it really matters anyway I don't even know why I'm going on about it. Maybe one of these days I'll get something right. I need to do what I was trying to do which is to just accept it and stop thinking about cause I guess I already know there's no answer really. Whatever happens is what will happen.

[IrmaJean]

It sounds almost as if you feel that external forces are controlling your situation. Smallstar, you have the power to control your own destiny. You don't need to give your parents a good reason in order to make it acceptable for you to leave. This is your life. You have to do what's right for you. Maybe try and identify exactly what it is you're fearing in all of this. Is it their anger? A fear of being out on your own?

[Guest GingerSnap]

smallstar: This may not be all you as you seem to think. A situation that I have seen many times is that the parents need to be needed. This isn't something that they say but an "air" that they put off. I'm not blaming any parents that do this and don't know if your parents do but you might consider it. Just like with birds, the little ones need a nudge or two to get them out on their own as the parents must want to see the child become independent because that is what is best for the child. My older son left home when he was 18 and now he is 32 and a part of me just wishes I could have kept him with me forever - even with the posters and Madonna CDs blaring down the stairs but I empowered him to become an independent adult and now I am trying to do the same with our 23 year old son with Down syndrome which is hard because he needs protecting but the greater need is to be his own man also. I am feeling that you are getting close to starting the process of coming out of your shell. I think you are ready because the longer you wait, the less chance you will have of doing it - that is just a fact. The first few steps are always the most difficult. Make a plan; work a plan. Come on smallstar you have your cheering section here standing by.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Smallstar,

Well, I really believe that Ginger and IrmaJean are giving you excellent advice and important things to think about. Thanks, Ginger and IJ:)

It is never easy to leave home but small steps is the correct way to go about things, gradually exposing youself to more challenging situations so that you slowly become "desensitized" just as you said. However, that time does come where its important to be pushed out of the nest. If you parents won't push, then you will need top push yourself. All of us had to do that, me included. Its scary but it feels great when you realize you are flying on your own.

Allan

[smallstar]

I'm not afraid to be on my own, not even a little bit. That is what I want, to live alone. It's not about my parents not pushing me, or nudging me to leave. They would be angry if I were to tell them I was leaving. I understand that I should not let that affect me, but I do. I understand there is nothing anyone can tell me to help me. I don't know what will happen, but in the mean time I will learn to just deal with it.

[malign]

You're a bird, starry; you can't "just deal" with not flying.

Not flying will kill you.

So, we have on the one hand, you wasting away to no purpose in a dead-end house waiting for people you increasingly hate to just die already, OR, maybe making them mad for a while.

{This is me trying to push, since they're incapable.}

[Guest GingerSnap]

smallstar: I am wondering why your parents would be angry if you told them you wanted to get a place to live and start becoming more independent. Any possibility that you could transfer to another job making it necessary to move? Gosh, as much I did and do like the kids, it would be nice if the younger one could find his niche. My parents were sort of upset when I moved out at almost 21 years old because it left a void for them to fill but they still "had" my brother. OK, my mother who never seemed to even like me went off in a big way and got really mean about the whole thing and was basically forbidding me to leave. My dad did accept it. Sometimes it helps to hold a less than great marriage together if the kids stay around. Are you sure your parents would be angry? Have you ever approached the subject with them before? smallstar, I don't want to be pushy or bossy but my heart sort of aches for you there in this situation. Everyone deserves to be happy and each is responsible for their own happiness, both parents and children, independent of one another. We want to help you sort this out and I know you are the one that has to actually do this but you deserve to be happy and your parents should want that for you.

[smallstar]

Yes, I am more than certain there would be anger if I were to say I was leaving. Not from mother, she wouldn't be angry, but my father wouldn't let it happen. Maybe I shouldn't let him have that much control, but it's too easy for him, he'd have me from the first word. I can see the situation play out in my head. I have heard it from when my younger brother told him he was moving out. He could handle it, I can't. I used to have a part time job in addition to my full time job. I was lucky I was "allowed" to do that. And it wasn't easy getting out the door for that either. He told me I may as well be begging for money, that the owners at this part time job were just using me, that strangers are more important to me than my family. Every weekend before it was time to go to work I would be frightened the entire time before it was time to go downstairs and say I was leaving, sometimes it was just a dirty look, sometimes it was screaming, sometimes he'd ignore me. When I try to go out it's the same thing. If it doesn't involve him or my mother I am being selfish or ignorant. Sometimes it's okay though. Depends on his mood. He's made me scared to even say if I have plans to go somewhere, and I've pretty much given up at this point, it's not worth it. I don't know I'm just saying that I don't believe I have the courage to ever tell him I am planning on leaving. After this is how I am treated most of the time when I try to do something on my own, have my own plans, when my sister comes home on the occasional weekend he asks her what's wrong with me, and tells her she needs to take me out, because I never go anywhere, but I don't understand where he is coming from, doesn't he realize that I never go anywhere because I can't take having to fight about it every time. My mom would be supportive of me if I wanted to move out, go out, have a second job, any of it, I don't why I have such guilt about leaving her, but that is a problem. I'm sure this is all under my control, but I can't seem to be in control of any of it.

[Guest GingerSnap]

Oh, smallstar, your father should not be treating you this way - this is so abusive dear and no one deserves that. Do you have an EAP (employee assistance program) where you work? I am thinking if you could sit down with someone that they could help you approach this situation. Gosh, all I can think is that I wish I could storm your house and remove you and your things, bring you here, build your confidence and then you could visit your parents, head up high, confident and able to put your father in his place which somebody needs to do:mad: I can see why this is so hard for you and I do not understand why your father is this way:confused: - I would like to give him a talking to or more! The sooner you are out of there, the better for your mental health. My heart does go out to you and please read back through this thread and see what advice you would give if it were not about you - I find that really helps put things into prospective. ***Edit: smallstar: I do know what you are going through. I joined the Air Force to get out of the house and it was the best thing in the world I ever did and no, I don't advocate joining but just getting out of the house felt so good - I was a person, a single unit and felt so free - I didn't need years of therapy, I just needed to be who I was and in the house, that would never have been allowed I was too plain, too quiet, couldn't have a job that would embarrass my mom which was everything I was interested in, I was everything my mother never wanted in a daughter, so unlike her and so much like her mother-in-law, Grandma - I was Grandma's girl! Thank God someone put in a claim on me! I am pushy and bossy aren't I? Well, I can't help it I have been there, am out and want the same for you - shiningstar emerging. Cathy

Edited December 1, 2009 by GingerSnap
Been there, done that

[smallstar]

thanks gingersnap, I do have a job,(that my dad got for me), I should have been smarter like my sister and gone away to school but I didn't want to go at all back then. I was forced into community college, but dropped out. I'd love to go to school now though. I don't have eap at my job that I'm aware of. But I do have insurance and a dr but I'm not good at talking to the dr I don't think he even knows much about my home situation, he knows bits but it's been a while since we talked about it.

[IrmaJean]

This sounds like controlling behavior that has likely has had a huge impact on you. His behavior probably has to do with his own fears and neediness. There has to be some way for you to get out of this unhealthy situation, Smallstar. Do you have a sibling who could support you with getting out of the house? What is it exactly that you're fearing from him? His anger or his disapproval? I hope you are safe.

[Guest GingerSnap]

From my own situation, the anger with all the insults and humiliation - the self-doubt that it brings about...smallstar: what about copying the thread and taking it into the dr. and telling him: "This is me. I need you to walk me through the steps to be assertive enough to move on with my life. I want and deserve to be happy and I know that can't happen as long as I am living at home." I always take a list everywhere I go with any kind of issue - yeah, they love it when I arrive especially when I carry a notebook! You would be surprised how far you could go with just being assertive. I know how much you want this.

[smallstar]

I am safe Irmajean, thank you. He's not violent and rarely physical, just loud and gets his way. What I fear is the anger and the disapproval. I do not want to hurt him in any way, either of my parents, I just don't want them to ever feel hurt. I know it's not something I can always prevent but the least I can do is make sure I'm not the one causing the pain. My father is very controlling, and he needs it to be known that he is in charge.

[smallstar]

gingersnap, if I were going to discuss this with my doctor I would probably do it in some written form, but the thing is I know if I bring it up he'll expect me to do whatever he says and I'm certain he'll get angry when I'm hesitant. I am aware I can be a frustrating patient but I just think this would be better off without his involvement, I do understand everything everyone is telling me here, I'm just not sure when I'll be able to take any steps to fix this, if that makes any sense.

[SweetSue]

Hey star

Your doctor can and is very rude, and at times has been out of order

star, maybe you could write down, expressing how you feel, and just hand him the note. I know how difficullt it is for you to talk to him at times. Perhaps that would help a little.

Its what I have to do at the moment,

But even when I could talk, I used to spend most of my appointment staring at the clock and watching as the seconds ticked by, occasionally being bought round by my p/doc clearing his throat (a tad annoying) waiting for that time when I could leg it out of there (oops). But then I didnt like him very much, we clashed, he was rude, I was scared of him and his attitude, so I changed him for someone else (eventually)

Hope your ok star

take care

Jj

[IrmaJean]

Smallstar, I understand where you're coming from about becoming distressed by others' pain. I experience that too and even with folks I don't really know. But you could never be the direct cause of whatever is distressing your father. I get the sense that whatever hurts him comes from his own insecurity and pain from his past. Punishing yourself is not helping him or you. I hope you know and feel that you are very worthy of being taken care of. It's okay to get out there and do what is right for you. I'm sorry to hear that your doctor is not very supportive. Do you have anyone else who can help support you in this?

[Guest GingerSnap]

smallstar: Maybe you are hurting your father by staying? He obviously has issues that he needs to work out and by having you to control, he probably isn't all that happy with himself anyway - maybe he needs to realize that he needs something in his life also. I would still like to see you take this thread to your doctor and explain to him that you need to become more assertive and need a plan based on baby steps to accomplish it. At the very least, you need to look online for some sort of assertiveness training and the other thing I would do is make a budget that I would be using when I moved out and maybe look at what sort of apartment, etc. I would be able to afford and if you can't get up the nerve to look at them, drive by and maybe park in front of them and imagine being "home". Make the dream more real, more desirable thereby making yourself more driven to get it. Tell your mind you are going to be doing this. If your father is hurt by this, well, that it is not normal to be hurt by a 27 year old daughter deciding to move out on her own and your mother, well, she sits there and sees how your father treats you so she should not be angry either. If you go to see the doctor with a list and he gets angry tell him he is on your dime and you need a plan that gets you out of the house with a minimum of hassle from your father. Your parents will recover from this but if you stay there your mental and physical health will erode and you may not recover. You are responsible for you and some day for your, lets see, maybe 8 children - bet you like kids, you better get started. Cathy

[smallstar]

I do believe that if I could live outside of my parents house things could be better. Thank you for the input I will have to figure something out.

[Guest GingerSnap]

smallstar: As you tell by this thread, people care about you here and because you can bring out this compassion in others, you can succeed in this. We are here as you can see. Yes, you have to do this on your own but using a support system is a sign of strength not weakness. We all need others, you know the old "No man is an island" thingy. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Cathy

[Guest ASchwartz]

Smallstar,

I want to completely back up what Ginger said to you and she said it with very great sensitivity and love. Ginger, that was terrific

When you are ready, you will get out of your family home. Use your psychotherapy and take one step at a time.

Allan:)

[IrmaJean]

How have you been feeling, Smallstar? Haven't heard from you in a while.

[smallstar]

Hi, Irmajean, I'm alright, thanks. I hope you're doing okay.